INDIRECT & ANGRY.
Hi. I don’t have to put a name here for everyone to really know who this is for initially, but this is heavily applicable to anyone who I’ve said the words “I love you” to within the past few months. Also, bits and pieces of this apply to more than just who this is directed to, so those of you reading who are dear to me, you should take away just as much from this. I haven’t been completely honest.
Not with you.
Not with myself.
It’s funny how the people who make you the happiest also have the power to make you weak and so terribly sad.
It’s NOT funny how the world works against you, even when you work hard and do good and love without restraint, and then the people who you pour into LET the world get in the way.
I’ve never let the world stop me from what I know I want. You shouldn’t either.
But you do.
& so does the rest of this world.
& that’s okay. I have to accept that.
You take what’s given to you.
If what’s presented isn’t what I want, I don’t settle. I never have done it and I’m too damn blessed to ever in the future begin to do so.
I’m really broken by you, my love. Sometimes when I see you, I think I’m okay. I think I’m alright and I’m happy that you’re happy. …but the truth is, I’m so not.
I’m not enough. I couldn’t be enough. Ive never chased and tried so hard, and because of shit I couldn’t control, YOU let that break what I wanted.
The only person who could have given me all I wanted in the world, KEPT that from me.
I’m sorry, but thats… not okay.
I don’t think you get how much that hurts me. I really dont think you do. I don’t think you ever will or ever want to know.
You’re strong. You support me, or say you do. I can’t say I do the same any longer.
I don’t approve of the things you’re doing, or in pursuit of. But hey, that’s not my place.
You left me to pursue these things, these people, and you claim to love me still?
And then YOU… you claim to have tried to give me what I wanted and then ripped it away before I got the chance to kindle it?
Fuck you.
Oh, and fuck /you/, too, for showing me that history repeats itself.
Hello, angry Lys, nice to see you. You’ve been bottled up for a long time, told you’re not in the right, told a lady doesn’t ever start a fight.
I’m not starting a fight, I’m finishing it before the one inside of me breaks me down again.
I deserve so much more than what I’ve been given. I can’t believe I’ve let this hold me back for so long. Well, no, I can believe it. I’m in love. Ive always let my heart dictate what I do. That’s me. It’s what I do.
But goddammit, I’m so over pouring into people who don’t give back. I fucking wasted so much time and effort and now I’m in so deep I can’t pull myself out and disassociate like I’m so fucking good at doing for people I love.
Nope. Not anymore.
I hope you’re happy. You’ve broken me.
Yes, you.
You told me you loved me but you love yourself more.
& I love you more than myself, so I’m gonna let you do your thing.
When you see me, I’ll smile and laugh and joke with you. I’m still me. With you, I want to be myself. I can’t help being myself. You bring out a beautiful side of me I love so much.
But only when you’re here.
I won’t let you see my cry anymore. You don’t deserve it, the stress. To know you mean so much to me still. You don’t deserve this power to hurt me.
I HATE you. I do. I’m sorry, but I do. I love you, but I hate what you’ve done to me.
I’ll get better. I’ll get strong again. I won’t stay mad forever. I’m weak for you…
But right now, I’m angry.
Please don’t confront me about this. This is a jumbled mess of my emotions toward a lot of people and forces. If you’re reading this and it isn’t applicable to you, then don’t assume it is about anyone else. Take your L quietly and leave.
I deserved to get this out, to let people see me without upsetting anyone else. This indirect isn’t shade, it’s a vent that I’ve kept closed up and the toxicity was suffocating me.
Goodnight…