small blurb in response to my brain being mean and torturing me with trauma memories and thoughts of the void. vampire theif sounds like being in a battle with past traumas and current feelings that swirl in your mind.
tw; depression, suicidal ideation and desires, isolation, mentions of not eating, spiral of bad thoughts. angst. probably not comfort.
you felt like a void creature was slowly eating away at your will to exist and go on. you felt worthless, like scum--someone who'd be better off thrown away. and perhaps your behaviors mirrored this. short temper, isolation, lack of self care, refusal to eat. it was an downhill climb that happened and you didn't realize until it was too late.
granted it was triggered by a lot of various things; you didn't feel valid in the way you were feeling. you have more than some others, so you shouldn't feel this way.
you wonder what would happen if you didn't wake up. would you be found? would wilbur miss you? would your sister even bat an eye? it was tempting, but you'd never do it. there were countless times in your childhood that you almost did it, but you didn't want to die. you just didn't want to hurt.
you don't want to hurt. you want to be happy. you want to have happiness.
but you don't deserve it, do you? all of that work for nothing, all of the hours of therapy and self help and nothing. just a hole, a pit of death wishes.
you sat up in your bed, staring blankly at the wall as your mind swam with endless thoughts of black nothingness. what you desire, or rather what you think you desire.
you don't want to die, you just want it to end. those are two separate things.
you felt fully out of control, spinning thoughts that pull you each and every way and you can't even begin to stop it all. you want it to stop.
stop
stop
stop
end it.
you wipe the pool of tears in your eyes, away with the heel of your palm. taking a shaking breath you retreat back under the covers, contemplating grabbing your phone.
no one cares enough to say anything, you're sure.
you don't know how many days you've been rotting away. you used to not be able to isolate, but now it's all you do.
you wonder if wilbur noticed.
did grace?
they have lives, you're the least of their concern.
it's fine. that's fine.
it's all fine.
fine is a lie
what is there to lie about? to lie to?
what if you just, checked?
maybe they were worried. maybe they did care.
you opened your phone, blank, nothing.
that's okay, it's okay.
are they okay?
they're fine, they're okay.
they're happy.
you're not.
that's okay. it's all okay.
you turn on your back, staring at the ceiling.
is there a point? should there be a point? surrounded by people, yet the love feels like ounces compared to the pounds of hatred.
an endless spiral of never ending thoughts and pain.
