About your "a little thing i'v realised" I just wanted to say that i was so happy for you because i realized this recently and it's so much better now. And that your post about it is really relevant! The saddest, in this kind of story is that's our entourage, like our friends, don't really help about this. And it's just ignorance and/or jealousy that push them to be this cruel.
It’s so freeing, isn’t it! I didn’t realise how trapped I felt until I got free, it’s kind of scary. And that’s exactly it, it’s not as though they were attempting to be malicious or cause me that much hurt - I think they genuinely thought they were trying to make me ‘better’, and it’s not their fault if they didn’t really want to be around someone who is always criticising (critiquing) everything. If that’s not how they want to live, that’s fine, but for a long time I definitely felt like I had to conform to what they wanted. And it made me feel quite resentful of them, even if they didn’t mean it. We were just too different and I didn’t belong with them.
Like once I was out and this footballer dude was being kind of casually homophobic, so I grabbed him by the shoulders and (similarly lightheartedly) was like ‘you are everything that’s wrong with the world!!!!!!!!!!’ My friends were all shocked like old Victorian ladies or something ‘*gasp* Emily!! Oh my god!!!’ Like?? The guy did not mind. We ended up talking most of the night and I teased him a little about being ‘afraid’ of his gay team mate and he chilled out a lot about it. I think we ended up teaming up to be a wingman for a guy trying to get a date with a girl we knew??? I would never have had that fun night with someone I wouldn’t usually hang out with if I’d done as my friends wanted and just sat all timid with my mouth basically sewn shut. Even once in high school, I blew up at this annoying jock guy (always the sporty types I swear - I yelled at him to ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP’ bc he was being a dick), but now whenever we (rarely) run into one another he gives me a hug and is like ‘lol do u still hate me??? are u going to kill me Emily??? hey Emily i’ve made out with ur sister haha isn’t that awkward wait no don’t kill me’. Like jeez you don’t always have to be 50000% nice and never rock the boat. Life is so much more than that.
Sure, I have no chill and can sometimes end up causing a scene but that’s how I deal with things so tough shit to anyone who doesn’t like it, haha.
