“A unit of something that equals one fourth of some larger unit.” -Dictionary.com, 1978
No one knows what’s going on. This year especially, I believe that people are having a hard time figuring out the world around them. Maybe not in the grand scheme of things (i.e. the world, the world economy, Hurricane Matthew, Zika, pumpkin season) but the small part of cyberspace in which Madden League operates. Kory is post-season Madison Bumgarner. People’s weekly grades are going from A to F and F to A. Defending champion, Danny, can’t buy a win here...probably not anywhere, like, not even a place with an incredible exchange rate. Cambodia, maybe. But even then he’d have to explain to the indigenous, through a series of hand gestures, what fantasy football is and why he needs a win so bad(ly). On top of that, could he really trust those he communicated with? The poor places in Asian countries, people are just trying to get by and they might sell poor Danny a knockoff win or the win might come with a condition. Sexual slavery. WHO KNOWS??? WE CAN ONLY SPECULATE AT THIS POINT! DANNY PLEASE GET A WIN!
Really the only person in our league who has any idea of where is and where he’ll end up is Jared. Sandbagging his way to the playoffs since 2013. (1-3) is an incredibly Jared place to be. In two weeks he could be .500 team and .500 teams make into the playoffs in this league. I know that it’s hard to believe someone could be this good at being bad but if anyone can make a thing of it, it’s Jared.
The Quarter Report’s power rankings are as follows. They are NOT subjective, not to be tampered with, and not only the result of on-field actions and off-field decisions, but also, empirical evidence and stats compiled by the Yahoo! Sports algorithm.
1. Baba Ghanoush (I think he was Amari Amirite? last week) - 126.25 points per week, (4-0), 505 total points, and most ACTs taken - and still to take - earns him the top spot. He matched up with the league commissioner in week four and dealt him a praiseworthy and a very brutal 130-70 loss. Give Kory a round of applause for doing to Derek in one week what 12 years in the public school system couldn’t...spanking him and checking for scoliosis simultaneously.
2. Griffin’ And A Tearin’ - team slogan: It’s dark and hell is hot. But do you know what dish is best served cold? Pizza. Not revenge. Not retribution. Alan is (3-1), has a scoring average of 127.75 ppg, 511 total points, and got an A+ on his matchup this week. Give him a huge round of applause for Yahoo! giving him what 12 years in the public school system couldn’t...an A+. The real MVP of week four is Matt Ryan, the plain face of the NFL, although, even without him Alan would’ve won by 16.
Spots 3 through 8 are occupied by (2-2) teams and managers who are incapable of self-actualizing and getting out of the middle class. We are constantly marginalized and taxed and beaten by ourselves, the top two teams, and our constantly disappointed fathers.
3. BadBad Antonio Brown - the league’s top scorer (512 points) which averages out to 128 ppg, which equates to a (2-2) record somehow, which is equivalent to one chimpanzee. Will is a borderline superhero. You should turn and run. Getting a ‘B’ in his last matchup against below average Zack/Zach was a great victory in keeping the shit from rising to the top and for that, we thank you.
4. New York New Noz (insert statue of liberty emoji) - most will say you got what you had comin’ to ya. Some will say that confidence and ambition are virtues. What I will say is that you have averaged 126.5 ppg after putting almost two hundred points in one week, you have 506 total points, and a received a failing grade against Kory. Now I’m going to say something harsh: your team will never be worse than it was last week, in fact, no team will ever be as bad as your team was last week.
5. Mouth Hugs - there is a time and place for everything and week four was Tyler’s opportunity to make something of himself and really backup all his trash talk this season. Now he has relegated himself to the middle of the pack and a life full ‘B’ grades, missionary position, and runs to Target for baby wipes. 125.25 ppg, 501 total points, and three transactions...I got bored just typing that. For only 59 cents a day you can save Tyler from the perils of the middle class world: passing on guac at Chipotle, buying Miller Lite, and face timing his girlfriend before getting on a plane.
6. Rim Job Cooter - if the playoffs started today, I’d quit the league, Zach/Zack.
7. Blood and Siemian - at least I have more points against than points for. That says something about my team’s grit and spirit. I’m like the 2016 American WCOH team. The two games I won were against opponents that were heavy favorites, in other words, they were two good people that by no fault of their own, weigh more than me, like considerably more than me. Thank “God” Julio got to steppin this week and got my total points up to 461. Yeah my team’s dog shit but I’m tied with six other teams...
8. Vaperaham Lincoln - 431 total points, 107.75 ppg, 36 transactions; these all sound like numbers that can be improved upon (the best backhanded compliment I could think of). Chris will eclipse 100 transactions for the fourth straight year but only this time it’ll cost him, probably more than the math says. He might’ve add/dropped his way into oblivion. Even with Tom Brady being back and Tony Romo projected to be back before the end of the year, he then has to live with the fact that Tom and Tony were both on his 2016 squad for the rest of his life.
The Bottom Two. (Disclaimer: THIS IS NOT A SEX POSITION)
9. Meme Dragon - Highest ceiling, lowest floor. The dude flat out gave Danny the business last week and is still the third lowest scoring team in the league. A+ effort for C- results. I hope Jared can turn it around this year, I would love to see him get second again. 114.75 ppg, 459 total points aaaaand 104.25 points against average (second lowest) can maybe be recipe for success but until the yeast rises, we’ll Jared’s hopes sink.
10. joshuatreesun - imagine you’re in a fight and the guy you’re fighting knows what he’s doing and is considerably bigger than you. He hits you in the stomach, you bring your arms to protect, he then starts wailing on your face, there’s no escape until your face hits the cold concrete. Danny is the lowest scoring team in the league and he has the most points scored against him...by a lot. There is no way out of this hell. For the time being the league’s punishment for getting last place is to take the ACT and for that, I think Danny is the most prepared. Unless we switch the punishment to an AP Econ exam.
I’d say temper your expectations for the weekly blog post. I would love to peak four times a year, and maybe I do, but it’s definitely at the wrong times.
