#maddisnow

[maddisnow]

I close my eyes and feel the moment. Sitting in my 24 year old red mustang, situated in a parking garage. I can feel the mixture of must, a pine air freshener, and his cologne wrap themselves around me like my favorite sweater. As I sit in the drivers seat, my eyes closed, he reaches across the center aisle and delicately places a stray hair behind my right ear. The first tear falls from my left eye. His rough hand is entangled in mine, and he pulls it up to his mint flavored lips, placing them carefully on the back of my wrist. My keys are in the ignition but I don’t want to start the car. I don’t want the moment to end. Finally the silence is broken, his strong voice cracking in the air. “What’s wrong?” “I don’t want to forget this.” I close my eyes and still hear his laughter sinking its way into my skin. I still feel his heartbeat in my veins for the first time as we lay scattered across my bed. I am there. I am naive and in love and my heart feels the way I always knew it could. I am hiding my secrets in the crook of his collarbone, my hands are racing each other across his back, my heart is beating in time with his. Before he left he placed his lips on the inside of my heart shaped locket, letting me keep one of his kisses and some mint chapstick. I haven’t opened it. I don’t know if I ever will. I know I’m about an hour and eight months late but I wish I would’ve kissed him harder. I wish that would’ve been enough.

20 January 2016 // poems he'll never read (M.S.)

[superspicytaco]

you're so cool what the heck

I don't know what to say to sound cool idk that's a lot of pressure thanks though you're pretty rad too

[maddisnow]

I think in poems and speak in feelings. Have you ever wanted to be the brick instead of the window pane? I want to know what it's like to be in love so deep the earth trembles. I want people to think there's an earthquake happening when in reality I'm just dying to hold your hand, to let you know how I feel. I want things to burn, I want to know the harshest and the coldest parts of it all. Kiss me deep, let's make the marina trench jealous. I want to see the scary parts of you, the parts you don't let see the light of day. What strange sea creatures lurk below the surface? Show me the battles happening on your chest. What's it like to have a civil war raging inside your rib cage? Do you see the lights of the canon fire? Or just hear the echo carry on through the night? What happens when it rains? I bet the thunder collides with the canon fire. I bet you see the shadows as nightmares and the lightening as daydreams.

Tell Me, Please by (M.S.)

[maddisnow]

The words flowed from his mouth, each letter slipping themselves in between cavities and rotting gums, as if trying to escape the prison of cigarette smoke and over priced vodka. “I’m leaving.” The tidal wave of trauma emerges, and I can feel every heartbreak that’s ever happened collapsing on my chest all at once. A hand waves in front of his face, disturbing the atmosphere and toxins he’d just let go of. Two oceans emerge from the fog and pierce a hole in my chest, the ribs adapting quickly to the foreign object invading their space. His eyes don’t match the words he is saying. My knees shake and I feel my heart toppling over itself, attempting to find refuge among the shattered windows and doors of opportunities now forgotten, opportunities abandoned the minute he unleashed those three syllables. How can I love someone that’s taking my sense of reality and ripping it to shreds? I know that cars crash, phones get stolen, and casseroles burn. I know sometimes I leave the lights on, forget to take out the garbage, and come home to a smelly house with a ghostly glow. I know sometimes beautiful shooting stars crash into the only moon we’ve ever known, leaving a dead wish and gaping hole. And I know that this time you’re the star and I’m the moon.

"So I Guess This Is It" // (M.S.)

[maddisnow]

I always think of you. And I think about that time we walked between tall grass and told each other the only three star facts we knew. Because I was trying to be fascinating, I wanted you to think I was someone you could take a long road trip with and never get bored. So I told you theories about the universe and instead of falling in love with each other, we fell in love with stars. We romanticized black holes and saw our futures lying in the milky way. I think about you and that time we looked at things people outgrew. Scarves no one wanted, pictures they forgot they took. We spent a half hour rummaging among books. We never pictured holding these first editions in our hands. I wanted to hold your hand instead of Dracula, I wanted to feel your thumb tracing circles. But that night I settled for the rough pages and splattered ink. And when I think of you, I remember sitting across the table from you, finding it hard to talk. Discussing yogurt flavors instead making a conversation. And I remember walking inside the door that night, wondering why I had gone out in the first place. Someday, I’ll hardly ever think of you. I’ll forget what color your eyes are, how calm your voice is when we argue. I won’t remember the time we snuck into movies, wasting hours on films we’d never have seen otherwise. You’ll forget that my hair smells like freshly cut roses because I always use too much shampoo. And it won’t matter that we kissed or that we spent Friday nights drunk off of songs because we will have forgotten what it was like to breathe in lyrics and breathe out our fears. And it won’t matter because someday I’ll have forgotten you. Your leftover books will no longer live in my closet and your name won’t take up space in my heart.

Like Dogs  (M.S.)

[maddisnow]

If they had told you 486 days ago that you would feel like stones were being pumped through your blood with each beat of your heart, I don’t think you would have believed them. To fall in love with only 16 summers gracing your skin is a beautiful tragedy. For the remaining winters your bones face, you wonder if there was something else that could’ve been done. Your mind refuses to believe that someone else’s kisses will be nearly as sweet or that you’ll ever feel comfortable in someone else’s arms. There is an invisible weight of words that lays itself on your chest the first few nights. You try and hold on to the empty promises he left behind, to the outline of where his body used to lay. You breathe in all the phrases he whispered in between the echoes of your heart aching and your knees shaking. Now instead of swimming delicately out to sea, you feel yourself drowning in a series of old text messages and photographs you forgot about taking. And then one day three months later you’re cleaning your room, trying to ignore the shirt he left behind in a scrunched up ball behind your bed frame, trying to ignore the fact it smells like the cologne he knew you hated. You would’ve felt yourself crumble 94 days earlier, under the pressure of being alone. But now you no longer feel suffocated, no longer swallowed whole by the words you never said. 94 days later, you’re standing taller then ever. And the remaining winters don’t matter, your heart isn’t the hallow noise the wind creates, it is the deer running freely through the woods. Your 17 springs and falls have nothing on the way the earth feels between your toes as you breathe in and out. It’s not worth the tears. Breathe in. Breathe out. Run. Climb the trees that won’t be climbed, smile at the kids because they’ll laugh, scream because you deserve to be heard, and remember that this is a life you are creating, not one that will be written by the actions of others.

How to Be Okay with Not Being Okay (M.S.)

[beemo-revival]

maddisnow replied to your post:I wish my favorite bands didn’t avoid Seattle like...

-cough- MODERN BASEBALL

AND INTO IT OVER IT AND FUCKING THE WONDER YEARS/THE STORY SO FAR GOD

AT LEAST IM SEEING EMPIRE EMPIRE NEXT WEEK AND MAYBE NECK DEEP/REAL FRIENDS NEXT MONTH AND MAYBE DADS

[skippingthewitches]

omg are you guys soulmates??????