#maddiswritings

[tornskinpoetry]

“And every time I think I’ve finally escaped you - the feelings underneath my skin - the memories flood back in - in rooms you’ve never visited, surrounded by new friends who you’ve never even heard of. That missing piece. The little bit of you I wish I could still have. Your presence exists in places you’ve never been. It’s me who haunts these spaces with the longing for what could have been.”

I’m still the same person but I’ve hoped you’ve changed, sorry I’m never coming home // What I want to say {m.a.)

[tornskinpoetry]

“The ache inside me is for the fact that I never fully got to love you in the way you should have been loved, and the way I fully felt for you. But also there is an ache in me for the thought that I had that much love to give you and you never loved me even one half the amount I did you.”

I’m bitter because I’m still in pain // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

“I’m no longer the person you hurt.

My body has changed and I’ve covered it in tattoos and jewelry you’ve never seen.

My favorite color is different now. Sunset orange no longer calls to me like the soft blue green of my sheets.

I‘ve got 2 degrees you’ve never heard me talk passionately about before. I‘ve moved to another country to study my 3rd degree.

There are new friends whose names you’ll never hear come off my tongue.

The adventures and travels I went on in the years since I’ve left you’ll never get the privilege to know about.

But there are ways in which you still haunt me.

I cannot fall asleep in bed next to a man no matter now much I love him.

There are more scars on my skin that new lovers trace over without knowing why I felt the need.

There are ways I can no longer be touched and loved by others without an immediate sense of fear gripping my heart.“

I wish I could love and be loved normally // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

"I wish I didn't love as hard as I do. I wish I didn't always have to feel the heartache for the both of us"

To all my former lovers // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

"'Let's just keep things casual.' I want to scream and rip off the facade that I have to uphold. I never want casual. I want long lazy morning kisses, I want long boring stories about your day at work, I want to surprise you with your favorite baked goods, I want everything you have to offer. 'Yeah, no worries casual works for me too.' Until suddenly casual doesn't work for you. suddenly you are having a hard time with casual, and instead of wanting more - you end things. 'I don't know why this didn't work out but I'm having a hard time with just casual.' Why can't we just become more? Why does it have to end when you want more? Why am I not worthy of more?"

Please when is it my turn to find love // What I want to say {m.a.}

[tornskinpoetry]

"Why did you devote all that energy and attention to me if you knew you didn't even want to try to make our situation work?"

I know I'm being selfish but I really wanted a chance // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

"I fall asleep at night to the impossible thoughts of you actually loving me."

At least in my dreams you're mine // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

“It feels strange not to want. To not have a person I feel like I physically need. To not feel like I am missing a part of myself anymore.

Yet I close my eyes at night and I still wish for a now faceless body next to me. It’s almost lonelier now.”

Not feeling a longing pain does not mean I am happy // What I want to say {m.a)