Remnants and Ruminations Of A Hopeless Romantic

Messages to the boys I love, and have loved - these are all my thoughts and feelings that I was never able to express

[tornskinpoetry]

“The ache inside me is for the fact that I never fully got to love you in the way you should have been loved, and the way I fully felt for you. But also there is an ache in me for the thought that I had that much love to give you and you never loved me even one half the amount I did you.”

I’m bitter because I’m still in pain // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

“And every time I think I’ve finally escaped you - the feelings underneath my skin - the memories flood back in - in rooms you’ve never visited, surrounded by new friends who you’ve never even heard of. That missing piece. The little bit of you I wish I could still have. Your presence exists in places you’ve never been. It’s me who haunts these spaces with the longing for what could have been.”

I’m still the same person but I’ve hoped you’ve changed, sorry I’m never coming home // What I want to say {m.a.)

[tornskinpoetry]

“I’m no longer the person you hurt.

My body has changed and I’ve covered it in tattoos and jewelry you’ve never seen.

My favorite color is different now. Sunset orange no longer calls to me like the soft blue green of my sheets.

I‘ve got 2 degrees you’ve never heard me talk passionately about before. I‘ve moved to another country to study my 3rd degree.

There are new friends whose names you’ll never hear come off my tongue.

The adventures and travels I went on in the years since I’ve left you’ll never get the privilege to know about.

But there are ways in which you still haunt me.

I cannot fall asleep in bed next to a man no matter now much I love him.

There are more scars on my skin that new lovers trace over without knowing why I felt the need.

There are ways I can no longer be touched and loved by others without an immediate sense of fear gripping my heart.“

I wish I could love and be loved normally // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

"'Let's just keep things casual.' I want to scream and rip off the facade that I have to uphold. I never want casual. I want long lazy morning kisses, I want long boring stories about your day at work, I want to surprise you with your favorite baked goods, I want everything you have to offer. 'Yeah, no worries casual works for me too.' Until suddenly casual doesn't work for you. suddenly you are having a hard time with casual, and instead of wanting more - you end things. 'I don't know why this didn't work out but I'm having a hard time with just casual.' Why can't we just become more? Why does it have to end when you want more? Why am I not worthy of more?"

Please when is it my turn to find love // What I want to say {m.a.}

[tornskinpoetry]

“It feels strange not to want. To not have a person I feel like I physically need. To not feel like I am missing a part of myself anymore.

Yet I close my eyes at night and I still wish for a now faceless body next to me. It’s almost lonelier now.”

Not feeling a longing pain does not mean I am happy // What I want to say {m.a)

[tornskinpoetry]

It's my 8 year anniversary on Tumblr… terrifying 🥳

[tornskinpoetry]

“We were never meant to be more than we were. We both needed that comfort from someone else

We wouldn’t have survived a relationship”

Comments on what could have been // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

"You're back. I don't know how I feel about it. I'm sad for you that it didn't work out with her. In the same thought though I can't say I don't feel a little gleeful and self-satisfied that the reason you left ended up failing. But at the same time, it no longer feels the same to have you back. I don't know if I want you in my life anymore if it's not going to feel the same. I know it never will because I don't think I could ever go back to what was knowing how quickly and easily you left the first time. I also don't know how to talk to you anymore. I used to be able to say whatever was on my mind to you and ask you any questions but now I find myself rereading texts time and time again before hitting send and wanting to call to ask you questions but I no longer feel like I can. I want that ease again and the comfort that came with it. I don't think that space exists for us anymore.”

Almost lovers // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

“You checked in on me. Only 6 months too late in my opinion. It’s not too hard to follow through on what you said you were going to do and show that you can have empathy for someone. It screams guilty guilty guilty the way even in checking up on my you were hesitant. Hearing from you after I’d already moved on cut to the bone a wound that had been long healed. Yes I’m doing better. Yes I get why you reached out you said you would. But for me it feels like you are only now seeking forgiveness and closure that the distraction she brought you is gone. I’ve been aware for months now that what we had was over. I don’t need the closure from you. I found closure myself in my comfort music, and my tears and my plants and candles.

You’re treating me like a situation that needs to be handled. It’s too much like you’re trying to smooth things over that staying friends would iron out all the wrinkles and make your life easier. It feels fake and forced the way we are now. Like all the memories and emotions from the past can stay neatly behind us. I don’t know why you feel the need to reach out now. But I am doing better. Yes I’m doing better I don’t need the closure you seek for yourself.“

How closure fits my life // What I want to say {m.a}

[animatedtext]

requested by flowers-for-sappho

[shari-ya]

being tangled up around unresolved feelings is so crazy because one of us certainly fell for the other and i don't know if it's me or it's you.

[selfhealingmoments]

[wolkenleere]

And I wondered what it was like to be chosen. I was never chosen. I was a maybe, a probably, sometimes even a definitely but never the one, never the chosen one.

Unknown

[tornskinpoetry]

“I didn’t love you. I couldn’t love you. I didn’t know you.

I knew you. I’d met you. For two years. On and off. But I didn’t know you.

There were moments I thought I loved you. I thought it was a crush. Maybe it could be more.

I could text you while heart broken from whatever new guy I’d been with and you’d come right over. I could just want company and you’d always be there but we never actually talked.

You sent me the photos from your family trip. It threw me so off guard. We never talked. Why now? The beginning of the end for us.

I should have known then. But I didn’t want to see what would make this hard. Now you’re gone and I didn’t get my closure.

I wish I had gotten to love you. But now you’re off. Gone to your new adventure. To be the amazing person I saw in you but could never love.”

To the boy who was there for me whenever I needed him: I love you Luc thank you for everything, for the experiments, for the learning about who I am, and for teaching me what I love about myself// What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

"So there it is, just as I thought would happen you got to know me and now you want to leave. It's nothing new anymore don't worry darling. I'm used to it but I'm beginning to wonder if that's the problem. I don't want it to hurt so I keep my distance don't let you get to know me you feel the space and move on."

I always care though even though I know I can't change it // What I want to say {m.a}

[tornskinpoetry]

“I don’t know why I do this to myself. Push away people. He liked me. But I couldn’t pass up the idea that he didn’t. I hooked up with another guy the night after our date at a party his friends were at. Of course they’d tell him how the boy had marks the next day and so did I. I decided for myself that it meant that now he wouldn’t like me and cut him off. I didn’t give him the opportunity to stay.”

The hookup was worth it though // what I want to say {m.a}

[shari-ya]

being tangled up around unresolved feelings are so crazy because one of us certainly fell for the other and i don't know if it's me or it's you.