once again queerifying your beloved early 2000s crime procedural (the mentalist edition):
Patrick Jane:
the most chaos bisexual to have ever chaos bisexual-ed
i need him to get hit on by a guy who is the prime suspect and flirt right back and then go on a date with the guy and in typical jane fashion out him as the killer during the date
and the whole crew is like ??????
lisbon is jealous cause like him flirting with women is one thing but with a man??? she can't compete with that (or so she thinks)
cho is the definition of unbothered, he tells rigsby yeah i've tried it out a couple times and then watches in amusement as rigsby wraps his head around what "trying it a couple times" means
van pelt is her usual supportive self, so is rigsby but he is also awkward about it
patrick expertly avoids explaining himself, but lisbon gives him a little bisexual flag pin to keep with him at the end of the episode
(my theory would be that he realised that he was bi as a teenager and just decided to not announce it because it was more fun watching people make assumptions and then be wrong)
Lisbon:
also bisexual
specifically the kind that gets flustered around gorgeous, smart femmes
i headcanon her as having somewhat known all her life but not exactly putting her finger on what the feeling was
until she gets flustered around a witness and cho kinda raises an eyebrow at her
he says something precise and impactful (maybe something along the lines of "the butterflies don't go away")
and she goes home and does some reflecting on herself
again, she does not advertise this (she's already a woman in a position of power she doesn't need anything else against her) (also her general dislike of revealing things from her private life)
but goes extra hard for any cases concerning queer people
Rigsby
straight man. ally ✊ (awkward about it)
Van Pelt
straight woman with a queer sibling
Cho
this is a PANSEXUAL MAN.
he does not give a shit about gender but has generally gone for women cause that's what has tended to be more available
had a boy toy while he was serving in the army
also keeps this to himself, apart from when passing some sage wisdom to lisbon and teasing rigsby
definitely the kind of guy who had a homoerotic relationship with his best friend when he was younger (gang era) and then left him behind which destroyed him a little bit
JJ La Roche
this is a gay man.
i remember when jane first was like "oh i know your secret" and i half thought the secret was that he was gay
he has a husband who works in a high pressure industry and they take a week off every couple of months to just chill together
also does not advertise this, because of fear of discrimination in the workplace and also his general private nature
harbours a teeny tiny crush on jane, which his husband thinks is hilarious
Madeline Hightower
i want her to be a lesbian because i think she's incredibly attractive
but also like it could have been a factor in the divorce, like oh i don't love you anymore and it turns out it's cause she's not attracted to men!!!
(the affair could be like her last ditch attempt to convince herself she is attracted to men)
anyway. i just think she's neat.
Bertram
homophobic
Brett Stiles
people think he's gay which he does not enjoy and he's not sure why it happens
and that is it. you're welcome, folks
