; @madreiisms
How was it that a week could feel like an entire lifetime but also feel like it was at a complete standstill? As Dean laid wide awake next to a beautiful woman - one whom he cared for a lot - in a comfortable bed and a safe home, he couldn’t help but wonder what life was going to throw at him next. There was no way the things out there were just going to let him be and he was going to slowly get over losing Sam, have a normal, safe life with Lisa and her son.
The messed up thing was he would almost be okay with that life, but he didn’t feel he deserved it, so the fear of having it ripped away was threat enough to keep him afraid.
Deep down, he knew he wouldn’t leave, because he promised Sammy. Which sounded terrible to him, like he was saying he was living this life for Sam and not because he loved Lisa. Which wasn’t the case, he loved being around her, it was just knowing that if Sam wasn’t gone he might not be here and maybe that was what Lisa didn’t deserve. Those were the thoughts that kept him up at night, the thoughts that he found himself trying to drink away- and this night would be no different.
He carefully, and quietly, slid from the bed and made his way down the stairs to the kitchen. When the fridge door was opened, the soft light of the bulb caused him to squint- and he stood there for a moment trying to will himself to stop floating through life like this and go back to bed- start being happy, or at least attempt happiness for Lisa and Ben’s benefit.
“Fuck.”
He’d try again tomorrow, he promised, as he pulled the beer bottle out.
