(Public post if you wanna :) ) I'm agender and I'm starting to realise I don't even like they/them pronouns. Not sure if it's my friends who struggle with them that's making me uncomfortable or if its me just hating pronouns that much. Do you have any perspective/suggestions on this? The friends say made up pronouns are easier but I don't like them and I'm entering a career where I feel those would be unrealistic anyway. Thanks for any insight Asy! :)
Re: special pronouns:
I don’t know that many people who’ve used special pronouns over a long period of time. I know lots of people who’ve tried them!
Basically, I’ve been told the tension is: feeling 100% comfortable v needing to school literally every person you meet in how to use the pronouns.
Here’s what people who use other pronouns have told me:
Having the ‘correct pronoun’ conversation gets easier every time you have it. You eventually become numb to people’s reactions, even if they’re bad.
It’s a good way to filter out people who are not ready to try and understand your gender and be accepting from people who are open and curious about it, and ready to accept it.
Friends and family typically do become used to them over time and eventually don’t even have to think about using them.
Re: Binary Pronouns:
I’m non-binary, I use binary pronouns and I present as a woman. I don’t even really mind woman-gendered language, even if I always noticed it and feel a little uncomfortable. I always pause before I type ‘women’ if I’m talking about myself in that group of people. I notice when people call me a woman. I notice pronouns and feel a little weird about them, and I really, really dislike discussing my gender except in really safe spaces or spaces I control (like this one). I say my ‘preference’ is woman-gendered pronouns, but it’s not strictly true. I would prefer to live in a world where pronouns aren’t gendered in ANY language. Gendered pronouns seems so ridiculous to me. Gendered language seems so ridiculous to me. Gender seems ridiculous to me, when I think about how I relate to it, although I understand it on an intellectual level.
I feel like while ‘woman’ doesn’t describe me, in a way it does? I’m oppressed in the same way a woman is because I look like a woman. I use ‘woman’ to describe myself for the sake of easy. I feel a kinship with the term, even though I’m not 100% comfortable with it. I’m also reasonably comfortable letting people assume I’m a woman.
I wouldn’t ‘recommend’ using binary pronouns, because it’s a decision each person needs to make for themselves about what they feel comfortable with.
I work in a professional job where I meet new people every day. I can’t be bothered having a discussion about gender to everyone. I work in a position where I’m counselling and advocating for very vulnerable people. My service is about them, not about me. I need to be invisible, and not having a gender that confuses people makes sure they aren’t focused on me and my personal life.
Binary pronouns work for me. Everyone needs to figure out what works for them :)
