if it's okay, I want to talk rq abt what this actually looks like from someone who had to go through this process, for anyone that is trying to do so themselves. warning: very long because this is difficult to condense into a handful of pithy sentences and I feel like it really needs to be discussed in full
for context, i was raised on 4chan from age 11 and was surrounded by groomers/abusers until i was about 22. so, roughly 10 years of my brain being fried on all sides. (this was also the era of the internet where 'anti' wasn't even a thing, and everyone just did whatever and nobody cared [2005-2012 ish].)
You need to leave these communities. Remove any harmful content or mentions of it from your public profile or remake completely. Block and avoid people that condone/partake. Set boundaries with the people around you if you can't block or avoid them. Seriously consider breaking up with any partner that does not support this.*
*mine did not. he was very upset when I no longer wanted to participate in this culture or discuss these topics with him.
You need to do a lot of internal work, as well as external work. Read about things, learn about the harm, learn about what consuming this content does to your brain. Remember all of the things that lead you to this, all of the people and communities that made you feel like this was okay. If you feel like it's coming from a place of hurt and abuse, like you engage with it to self-harm, you need to acknowledge that and should probably seek therapy.
It's important that when you see the content, you think about the harm and the consequences - how will you feel after? how would a trusted person feel or react knowing you engaged with that content again? was it necessary to engage in that moment, or could you have done something else?
Fiction and reality get muddled when you're exposed to this stuff for a long time, so it's important to remind yourself about the real-world harm this stuff is based on and why it is not something to fetishize or romanticize. Read the work and testimonies of victims. But most importantly, figure out exactly what about these communities or this content makes you feel enticed.
Explore other, safer avenues that don't resemble real-world harm. The more you disengage from harmful content and purposefully engage with 'safe' content, the more your brain will adapt and new neuropathways will be created to disperse dopamine and other 'happy' chemicals, while the old ones will degrade and provide diminishing returns. this is exactly what people going through addiction have to learn to do. There are thousands of different things out there you can engage with sexually that don't emulate toxic or illegal behaviors.
Sidenote, don't believe people when they say things to disregard you, like saying those things are "vanilla" or "boring", or if they call you a prude or a puritan. ignore them. being into edgy, problematic content does not make someone 'cooler' or 'more queer' or 'radical'/'transgressive'.
Be honest with others, and yourself. The guilt and shame you feel as you try to push away from bad habits is normal, 'relapsing' is normal, trying to compromise or bargain is normal. Going 'cold turkey' and never thinking about or touching the thing again is not feasible for most people. The main thing is that you do not make excuses for these things, you don't lie about them, you don't seek out validation for them - you acknowledge your struggle and keep trying to change. Find people who will help and support you. A lot of people with toxic/harmful fetishes will be surrounded by yes-men and people that will try to soften the harm through thought-terminating cliches and manipulation. Don't listen to them.
It can take years. Especially if you've been steeped in it for a very long time. You may need to completely remove yourself and avoid certain triggering websites completely (for me, it was AO3 and 4chan). Use blocklists and browser extensions so your curiosity isn't tempted. Be patient. It can be very hard, especially if you've made it a core part of your identity or personality (self-identifying as a proshipper or radqueer or a MAP or you make a big deal about how much you support/love incest or necrophilia or whatever) it can be very, very difficult to change.
A lot of online communities operate as insular little echo chambers, and you bringing up any actual discussion on the subject of harm, morality, guilt, or whatever, can get you not only ostracized, but mobbed, sent death threats, and/or stalked by a group of very online, very toxic people who see nothing wrong with their behavior and might even think themselves the morally superior person.
(If you were, just for example, a very popular but controversial blogger that constantly posted about wanting to sexually abuse your little sister and how woke and cool that actually is, and you've surrounded yourself with sycophants that attack anyone who tries to disagree with you, it could prove very difficult indeed to change your behavior at all. You very well would have to completely reinvent yourself and block every person that condoned your previous behavior, as well as try to find a very patient and understanding group of people that are willing to put in the work to help you get out of this mentality that abuse and incest are good things to be fetishized. And you'd have to be completely amenable to the fact that many people would not trust you or want anything to do with you, especially minors or people with young children. you would have to, then, publicly acknowledge you were wrong, apologize, and never do it again, even in private. it's a difficult road, but not impossible.)
all of this being said, if you or someone you know is struggling with communities or behaviors like this, know that where someone is currently at is not always where they will stay. everyone has the power to change, even if they have done nothing but dig their hole deeper.
there are thousands of 4channers and incels that aren't like that anymore. there are thousands of ex-TERFs and ex-transmedicalists. there are thousands of people that used to be into MAGA or QAnon or some reactionary hate conspiracy movement that don't believe any of it anymore. there are millions of people who had horrible addictions that ruined their entire life that are now many years sober. there are millions of people that have recovered from horrible, all-consuming eating disorders that now have a healthy relationship with food.
people leave cults every day. millions of people fight addictions and problematic behaviors every day. every second, someone is unlearning a bad thought pattern or behavior. every minute, someone is leaving a toxic group or community they were in. every day, someone is sitting in jail thinking about how they're never going to do that shit again. people can change. they just need to try.
sexual proclivities are not innate. what you're into right now will not stay the same forever - it wasn't always there in the first place. it is something you explored and learned about, something that was solidified into place by others, and by re-treading and re-validating it over and over.
You might feel like you're losing some part of yourself, or you're losing your identity, but unlearning is what will enable you to grow and better yourself and be a better influence to those around you.
