#mahlyfe

[justfuckingkillmealready213-blog]

Her...

When I'm with you I feel like I could lift a truck or catch a bullet or stop time itself if you needed me too. Everytime I see you I instantly feel settled, all the doubts and fears just disappear and I can actually be happy. But I'll never truly be happy because I can't tell you how I truly feel.

[flabbyslutton]

Stage 1

So I’m just gonna start this here and now, because I don’t think a pen can keep up with the amount of shit coming out of my brain. I’m fucked. I’m just so fucked? I’m a pretentious fkn able ass white girl and the most I do is complain. I dont know if I was just always a shitty girlfriend or if I just kind of took past experiences and ended up this way. I dont know how it hasnt hit me before that two and two work together and that if i’m not making myself better then it’s going to capsize and hurt people I love. I feel like an asshole right now for slipping. I hate slipping. This can’t happen anymore.  I just want to learn. Want to care. Want to stop this. I do so well sometimes and it’s just a line that I cross and can’t come back from. I want people to love me. The real me.  Like no more games and fake personas. Just Abi. Alcohol is not doing this to me. I’m doing this to me because I’m not well enough to fully comprehend how terrifying it is. But hey snapped out of it today after some really good talks. I can’t keep pretending this isn’t an issue and I can’t do this by myself. It’s not working. Maybe for a few months here and there but I always fuck it up. So this is my stage 1. Learning what to do. Talking to people. Asking for help. I know I’ll never get fully clean, I’m still a rodent, but I just want a beer at dinner? Not an entire slab? I am so lucky. I have amazing friends. Amazing family. A fucking amazing boyfriend. Why am I even like this?? Im genuinely confused. I don’t want to hurt myself or anyone. It’s time to pull my head out of my ass and work on myself. I just wanna be happy and dumb and in love. So cheesy, but tomorrow is a new day.  I want to be me again.

[justfuckingkillmealready213-blog]

Love

I'm honestly not sure I've ever actually been in love... I've felt like I have many times but I think that was more lust than love now that I look back at it. I'm pretty sure I've found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with but I'll never be able too.

[justfuckingkillmealready213-blog]

Numb...

I cried for a good thirty minutes this morning, now I just feel numb and empty...

[justfuckingkillmealready213-blog]

Thoughts...

I don't even know why I started writing here... Maybe I just needed somewhere to be completely honest where no one knows me. Maybe I'm hoping that someone reads this and shows me some sympathy, I know nobody will and I'm kind of happy about that too because I'm not looking for sympathy.

I am glad I started writing here it is helping.

[justfuckingkillmealready213-blog]

Just stop it already!!!!

I'm so sick of crying!! Every little thing sets me off too! I'll be completely fine one second and a total mess the next and it's exhausting...

[justfuckingkillmealready213-blog]

It's killing me!

I'm struggling to hide my emotions. I feel like I can't be around anyone at the moment in case I have a breakdown. I'm so tired of putting on a happy face all the time and lying to everyone all the time about how I am. I'm honestly exhausted and I don't know how much longer I can keep it up.

[justfuckingkillmealready213-blog]

Happy New year...

It's already been a great start to the year... It's the 4th today and I have broken down every day. The only time I haven't felt like crying was last night and I know exactly why but I don't dare say it because then that makes it real. I want it to be real so bad but it could destroy everything else in my life and I honestly couldn't care.