Are you assuming that you are the problem and you need to be fixed?
When faced with ambiguity or uncertainty, what is your default position? What conclusions to you naturally jump to when things in your life are not clear? Does uncertainty send you into a state of worry, where you imagine the worst case scenario and automatically assume that the outcome will be bad? Does it send you into a state of rumination where you begin to MULL; churning things over and over in your mind to look for the ANSWER that would finally make things clear enough such that you could have certainty once again (where actually the only answer you are likely to find is that it is all your responsibility, you are at fault)?
In our evolutionary history, uncertainty or ambiguity NEEDED to be resolved as certain death was always a distinct probability! Even though the landscape of the modern human is vastly different, no sabre tooth tigers to ward off!!, our threat response system has not changed. Our threat response system has not evolved beyond the fight or flight activation; when we PERCEIVE a threat on any level – even if this threat is more to our emotional well-being, self-concept or livelihood rather than to our actual physical safety – then we experience the full brunt of our fight/ flight response.
This results in the ongoing perception that uncertainty or ambiguity is INTOLERABLE as it means that ‘I am in DANGER’, and we assume that it NEEDS to be resolved right now! You might feel intense feelings of fear or stress when confronted with situations in which there is ambiguity or uncertainty. When the FEEDBACK is inadequate to give us all the information that we need to know that we are SAFE, physically or otherwise, we begin to turn inward to try to figure it all out – hello rumination and worry!
The threats to our physical safety have certainly reduced over the course of our evolution, however the threats to our self-concept and emotional well-being have only ever increased, and these are A LOT more complicated to resolve, with the possibility that the threat response system will turn in on itself.
Internally you might go through a process like:
If there is a problem or threat then I must FIX the problem or threat.
Now what if this problem is ME?
What if I am the problem – I am broken, inadequate, not measuring up, not good enough in some way?
What if I need to fix ME?
We are then caught in a cycle, as lets face it, there really is no escape from YOU! If you are assuming you are the problem – you are not good enough, you are broken – where can you possibly go with that??
So when faced with ambiguity, where the feedback is NOT SUFFICIENT to let you know that you are doing a good enough job and that you are SAFE, then you are likely to jump to all sorts of PERSONAL conclusions about this and then try to change the situation by taking on 100% of the responsibility. If you are responsible, then at least you can fix that, right?
This conclusion, while it may be automatic and seem logical, it is likely to be an oversimplification of often complex circumstances AND it is based on a false assumption – that the problem is YOU! This is likely to contribute to massive suffering and will more than likely keep you stuck in an endless cycle of trying to fix a broken you!
Think about it for yourself, when has assuming that you are the problem and that you need to be fixed ever resulted in you feeling better and problem solving your way through?
My guess is that it hasn't!
So what is the alternative?
You could begin to question:
What conclusions are you jumping to about yourself that may be false or oversimplified?
If I was not 100% responsible here, or I were to assume it is not my FAULT, what else could explain these circumstances?
If I were to assume that I am doing my best with what I have AT THE MOMENT, even if I would like to make some changes, what feedback would I give MYSELF about the current situation that would be most supportive and helpful?
Based on your answers, what alternative explanations are possible to draw out of this situation that would be most helpful?
Based on what is most important to you in your life, what you are ACTUALLY trying to achieve, what action could you take that would be most aligned with your ultimate goals and intentions?
Now commit yourself to taking action in alignment with your ultimate intentions! Even if the conclusions about yourself come along for the ride for a little bit, allow them to be passengers on the bus, but you remain the driver!
As always, if you can bring kindness and self-compassion to this process, as opposed to activating the harsh internal critic, then this would be most helpful.
Why not give it a go and see what difference it could make for you?
Remember that Bodhi starts with you!
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Disclaimer: This information is in no way intended to replace psychological treatment should you be suffering from clinical depression and anxiety and be in need of personalised, individual therapy. This information can be used as an adjunct to your therapy and you can feel free to raise it with your therapist should you have one. If you are in any way suicidal, please contact your therapist or emergency support services.
