Inquiring Minds Want To Know [one-shot]
Blanket Fic Disclaimer
Original Prompt by: Anonymous
" you know how men rate girls on the scale of their hotness? And that girls do the same? But the difference is that men are scaled not on their hotness, but on the size of their penis" I read this line somewhere and was hoping if you can make a fic related to it? Cause that would be awesome 😂😂”
Author’s Note: As promised during Evil Author Day, my goal is to actually finish some of my WIPs this year. So, here’s one that a lot of people have been asking about.
Warning: Total crack. Like seriously. It’s going into the Poor Judgement ‘verse along with the other ridiculous stuff I come up with.
Beta Reader: *None but me and my editing software :)
Read it on Ao3 if you’re a registered user!
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“And, it’s official!” Sakura declares, pouring the last bit of sake into her cup before raising it in front of her. “The Fourth Annual Sexy Wives of Konoha Summit is now in session. Kanpai!”
The rest of the women in the back booth of the izakaya raise their own porcelain cups and chorus, “Kanpai!” before tipping back the alcohol.
“Can I just say, I think our summit is a lot more fun than the Kage summit?” Tenten suggests.
“Definitely,” Temari agrees. “More alcohol, which I’m in favor of.”
“And we probably have more interesting stuff to talk about,” Karui decides.
“Does anyone actually know what they’re talking about?” Ino wants to know.
“Something about tariffs,” Hinata replies. “Or…sheep, I think. Maybe both.”
“Or aliens,” Sakura submits.
“Or aliens.”
“You know what they should be talking about?” Ino wants to know. “Better footwear for shinobi. I mean, seriously, the athletic sandals we used to wear as genin? Do you know how much blood and muck I used to get between my toes? It’s a nationwide crisis, is what it is.”
“Yeah!” Manako agrees. “Screw aliens.”
“Or preferably don’t,” Sakura muses. “Since that’s how you get god-tier ninja prone to insanity and several lifetimes of angst on repeat.” Everyone glances at her curiously and her clears her throat. “Never mind.”
The other women murmur their agreements, clink their cups, and drink deep again.
Ino glances at her watch. “So how long do you think we have?”
“Until Sai instigates a fight between Naruto and Sasuke, and one or both of them go flying out of the Hokager Tower,” Sakura replies sagely.
Temari shakes her head. “You know, there are days when I think I married the biggest pain in the ass, and then I remember who you married.”
“Are those the days you take a break from bullying Shikamaru to stuff him with food?”? Ino teases.
“I wouldn’t have to stuff him with food if the idiot would just eat during the day.”
“Naruto’s the same,” Hinata sighs. “They’re so busy all the time. And it’s starting to affect the children. Boruto’s been acting out more and more since Naruto became the Hokage. And Himawari’s entered to ‘no’ stage.”
“I know how to fix that one,” Karui says. “If she keeps saying no, ask her if she wants something sweet. When she ‘nopes’ herself out of a treat a few times, that will stop.
“Augh! Are you kidding?!” Ino interrupts suddenly. “Are we seriously talking about our husbands and kids?”
“What’s wrong with that?” Sakura asks.
“Besides the fact we always talk about our husbands and kids? Come on, ladies, get it together! Just because we have babies now doesn’t make us any less badass. Let’s live it up!”
“Four more terrifying words were never uttered,” Temari says.
“Gai in a thong,” Manako offers without missing a beat.
Tenten and Karui spit out the drinks they were sipping, while Ino and Sakura groan. Even Hinata gives a bit of a shudder.
“I stand corrected,” the blond woman says, tipping her own drink in acknowledgement.
“I’m both intensely curious and terrified of the thoughts in your head,” Sakura informs the Inuzuka woman. “And I’ve been a medic in warzones.”
“We all have our little talents,” Manako says. “So—what’s the plan for tonight? Drinking games?”
“Obviously,” Ino says. “But how can we make it more fun?”
“We could go to the Hokage Rock and draw all over Naruto’s face. Not like doesn’t have it coming.”
“How can we make it more fun without getting arrested,” Sakura amends, rolling her eyes.
“Who’s going to arrest you? You’re a hero of Konoha.”
“We could do karaoke,” Tenten suggests. “There’s a new place that opened a few blocks away.”
“No one wants to hear me sing,” Temari says, while Hinata desperately shakes her head; she still tends to avoid any kind of public attention.
“All that stuff sounds complicated,” Karui says. “And it involves more walking around than I feel like tonight.”
“Assuming you can even walk at the end of the night.”
“That too.”
“What about Truth or Dare?” Manako offers, all would-be-innocence. “That’s always a crowd pleaser.”
That earns a few groans.
“That’s so predictable,” Ino complains. “We seriously can’t come up with anything else?”
“Well, we could do ‘Never Have I Ever’, but somebody’s husband officially blacklisted that game two years ago.”
Everyone looks at Hinata, who shrugs. “I still don’t know why he did that. Something about village morals.”
“If it involved anyone affiliated with Team 7, I don’t want to know,” Tenten says decisively.
“Now that that’s settled,” Manako nods and leers at Ino. “Truth or dare?”
“Oh my god, are we actually doing this?” she groans, and throws back her sake. “Okay. Fine. Truth.”
“Lame,” Sakura accuses.
“I’ll remind you when it’s your turn.”
Manako, after thinking about it a few moments, grins. “Alright. I’ve got one: if Sai wanted to roleplay during sex, who or what would you want him to role play as?”
Ino’s jaw drops. “Are you kidding me?”
“Wow, she went right for the dirty stuff on the first go,” Tenten guffaws.
“And you’re surprised by this?” Temari quips.
“Anytime now, Ino-pig.”
“I’m going to get you back for this.”
“You’re stalling,” Manako singsongs. “Do I need to come up with a penalty dare?” She grins, sharp canines giving her a wolfish look.
“No!” Ino snaps, rightly wary of any dare the older woman might conceive of. She purses her lips for a moment, cheeks still burning bright, and then holds her head up as if deciding she won’t be embarrassed by this. “I’m the daimyo’s virginal daughter and Sai’s the court artist commissioned to paint my portrait, only as soon as we’re alone he seduces me. Only we have to be completely quiet or we’ll get caught.”
The other women giggle a little at that.
“That seems very well thought out,” Manako says. “Also, kind of tame for what I expected from you.”
“What exactly did you expect, some kind of dominatrix fantasy?” Ino grumbles. “Sai’s very literal. It’s hard to get him to pretend things outside of what he knows.”
“That sounds an awful lot like it’s something you’ve actually done.”
“Forehead, truth or dare,” Ino orders, the abruptness more telling than an actual verbal answer.
Manako sniggers as Sakura rolls her eyes, folds her arms as if expecting a challenge, and replies, “Dare.”
“Coward.”
“Bite me.”
They stick their tongues out at each other.
“Fine. Wimp out. I dare you to…” Ino casts about for a moment, and then smirks. “I dare you to do a body shot off Hinata’s chest.”
“What?!” the Hokage’s wife squeaks as the other women roar with laughter.
“Now who’s going right for the dirty stuff?” Manako jeers. “Although I can’t say I disapprove.”
“That’s not…why would you…?” Hinata looks like there might be steam coming out of her ears.
“Relax, Hinata,” Sakura grumbles. “I’m not going to do something you’re uncomfortable with, and she knows it.” She juts her chin out at her best friend. “What’s the penalty truth?”
“Does Sasuke ever motorboat you?” Ino asks immediately. “Or try to, considering your lack of breasts.”
“Shots fired,” Tenten murmurs to Temari, who nods with a smirk.
“I hate you,” Sakura mutters, mortified. “And no. He doesn’t. Mostly because I don’t actually think he knows what that means.”
“I really, really believe that,” Manako says honestly.
“You have an awful lot to say tonight, Manako—how about you? Truth or dare.”
“Truth,” she replies, sipping from her cup. “I have no shame.”
Sakura raises an eyebrow at that, and then smiles in a good approximation of the older woman’s own merciless smirk. “What is the sappiest, most lovey-dovey, non-sexual thing you and Kakashi have ever done?”
Manako splutters, sake going everywhere as she coughs and tries to breathe.
“Penalty,” she gasps out, glaring at Sakura.
“So much for no shame,” Temari says.
“I dare you to…” Sakura thinks about it and then grins, “I dare you to let Tenten cut and style your hair with just a kunai.”
There’s a chorus of impressed ohs.
Manako glares. “I just got it back to the length I like since the boys were born.”
“Well, you could always just answer the question from before…”
Manako huffs and climbs unapologetically across the table to sit in front of Tenten. “Well, go on.”
“Bold of you to assume I have a kunai,” the other woman says.
“You own a weapons shop and you’re a shinobi. Of course you have a kunai.”
“I was planning on a night of drinking with the girls, not battle.” When everyone gives her unimpressed looks, she pouts and digs a blade out from the hidden pocket of her pants. “I was going to leave it home…”
“Sure you were,” Karui says, earning Manako’s attention.
“You know, you’ve been uncharacteristically quiet this whole time,” she says, frowning as Tenten begins to consider her back-length tresses.
“Why interrupt good entertainment?”
“Interrupt this—truth or dare.”
“Dare.”
“Take off your underwear and hang it from the light fixture for the rest of the night.”
“Who says I’m wearing underwear?”
“Then your bra. We know you’re wearing one of those, we see the padding.”
“I don’t have padding. All this gloriousness is me,” Karui retorts, cupping her breasts. “And you’re just daring me that because you want to see my tits.”
“Guilty,” Manako agrees.
“Sex and underwear. You’re kind of an unimaginative lot, aren’t you?” Temari wants to know as Karui begins shifting and shimmying her bra out from beneath her sleeveless dress.
“Sex and underwear and impromptu kunai make-overs,” Sakura corrects.
“If I come out of this looking like a porcupine, I’m sending the twins to visit you every day for a month,” Manako vows.
“Oi! Why me? Tenten’s the one cutting your hair!”
“You’re the one who came up with the idea.”
“My turn,” Karui interrupts as she drapes her brassier from the lamp above their table. Across the room, the few patrons still remaining murmur at the scandal. “Temari, truth or dare.”
“Dare,” Temari says.
The former Kumonin takes a few seconds to think about it, and then reaches for her purse to remove a tiny vial.
“This is Killer Wasabi,” she says with a smirk. “The hottest sauce available on the continent.”
“And you just happen to carry it around?” Ino asks.
“It’s not my fault the food in Konoha is so bland.”
“And yet I’ve never seen you refuse any of it.”
“That would be rude,” Karui says, affecting primness before her expression becomes mischievous again. She returns her attention to Temari. “This recipe was created by the first Raikage, and then passed down from teacher to student across the generations. It’s so hot it can make a grown man pass out if consumed in large quantities.” She places the vial on the table. “So that’s what I dare you to do. Take a swig of this straight.”
Temari blinks.
“That’s it?” she deadpans.
“Bii-sensei challenged the Fourth Raikage to take a gulp of it straight from the bottle and the man cried.”
“Shit. He didn’t even cry when he got his arm cut off, I heard,” Manako murmurs.
Temari considers the tiny vial, shrugs, and then upends it into her mouth.
Everyone stares.
“You’re not…you’re not human, are you?” Tenten murmurs.
“Are we sure it’s your brother that was possessed by a demon and not you?” Manako wants to know.
“Not possible,” Karui declares. “That’s just…not possible!”
“I went to the dentist today and can’t feel my tongue,” Temari confesses, earning groans and shouts from the others.
“Cheater!”
“Treachery!”
“You suck.”
“You didn’t ask,” Temari says with a shrug and turns to Tenten. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth.”
“How old were you when you lost your virginity?”
“Temari!”
“I’m just continuing the trend of inappropriate questions,” the former Sunanin shrugs.
“Fess up, Tenten!” Ino cheers, spilling a bit of sake as she chugs it.
“Personally, I wouldn’t trust any dare Temari comes up with,” Karui says.
“Fine,” Tenten hedges. “I was seventeen.”
“Really?” Ino purrs. “Who was it?”
“I’m not telling,” Tenten says primly.
“Was it Neji?”
“Don’t be insensitive!” Sakura hisses, smacking her.
“Ow! Watch it with the hamfists!”
Tenten is quick to change the subject. “Hinata—truth or dare?”
“Truth,” Hinata murmurs warily, as if not sure which is likely to be the worse choice.
“What was the most embarrassing thing you’ve shouted during sex?”
Hinata squeaks, pressing her flushed face into her hands.
“You’re going to give her a nosebleed,” Karui says.
“She could have chosen dare.”
“Do you actually expect her to answer that?”
Hinata mumbles something into her palms.
“What was that?” Ino asks. “Didn’t quite catch that.”
“‘Cauliflower’,” the Hokage’s wife mutters, only a hair louder but still audible.
Her friends all stare at her for a beat, trying to parse what they just heard, and then—
“EEEHHHH?!?”
“Seriously?!” Ino shrieks.
“What the hell, really?” Manako laughs. “What even…?”
“I was pregnant,” Hinata mumbles. “And craving.”
“Apparently,” Temari drawls.
“How did hubby take that?” Manako asks.
“He…he, um, went to buy some.”
“Actually?” Sakura want to know. “Or do you mean he sent a clone?”
“Um. No, he actually…he got all flustered, and confused,” Hinata admits. “And ran off to the market. He came home with about two dozen of them.”
“Cauliflowerus-interruptus,” Manako shakes her head. “I hope it was good cauliflower.”
“It’s cauliflower,” Tenten drawls. “There’s no way that’s better than sex.”
“Hey, food can be better than sex,” Karui protests. “And not only when you’re pregnant.”
“Well now I know what we should ask you next time you choose truth…”
“Except it’s not your turn to ask.”
All eyes go to Hinata.
“Hinata, ask me something so that I can go next,” Manako orders.
“If you go next, I won’t be the one answering,” Karui promises.
“Um…” Hinata bites her lips, and then nods and asks Manako, “Who was your first love?” she asks.
“Izumi Uchiha,” Manako replies without any hesitation or embarrassment.
“What, really?” Ino asks, eyes wide.
“Did I stutter?”
“That’s…that makes sense actually,” Sakura says. “You told me once that you’d loved an Uchiha, but I thought…I mean, you kind of implied…”
“That it was a guy?”
“Pretty much.”
“Contrary to popular belief, not all Uchiha are men,” Manako replies.
“You wouldn’t know it the way the history books are written,” Sakura mutters.
“Temari! Have I got a dare for you—”
“Truth,” the other woman says instantly. “As if I would be stupid enough to choose one of your dares.”
“I’m wounded. But alright, fine. Let me asks you the most important truth I can think of.”
Temari raises an eyebrow, but her face remains as stolid as ever. “Fine.”
But Manako doesn’t speak. Instead, she holds the tips of her index fingers together and then slowly starts to pull them apart.
For a moment no one knows what she is doing, but as the distance grows between the fingers—three inches, four inches—comprehension dawns on everyone.
“Oh my god!” Sakura sputters, before pressing her hand against her mouth to muffle her laughter.
Temari doesn’t answer or change her expression as Manako continues to move her fingers apart—five inches, six inches—and Hinata squeaks, cheeks filled with so much blood she appears about to faint. Seven inches, eight—
“Okay, now I’m actually getting worried for you,” the older woman says.
“You have no idea,” Temari replies, leaning back with her arms crossed and a satisfied smirk on her face.
“I can’t hear this!” Ino wails. “He’s like…ugh, he’s like my brother and you just…that image! I will never get that image out of my head.”
“Shit,” Karui says. “How are you still walking upright, woman?”
Even Tenten looks impressed.
“Okay, we have to get this out of the way right now, so no one else decides to draw it out over a bunch of Truths,” Ino says. “Over and done with. On a scale of one to ten—”
“On a scale of one to Shikamaru,” Manako sniggers.
Ino shoots her a dirty look. “On a scale of one to ten—”
Sakura interrupts. “The average length is about five inches. It’s beyond the norm to have a penis larger than—”
Hinata yelps in protest, and Karui gives her an unimpressed look. “You’ve had two children and copious amounts of sex, and the word ‘penis’ bothers you?”
“It’s…it’s not a very nice word,” the Hokage’s wife mutters, embarrassed.
“It’s not a very nice-looking body part, but it gets the job done.”
“Especially if you’re Temari, apparently,” Tenten chuckles.
“She’s got a point, though. Sometimes I wish I was only into women, so I didn’t have to look at a penis,” Manako says. “It’s one thing to know it’s there—and hey, I benefit greatly from having a partner that has one—but given the choice…” She seesaws her right hand up and down. “Honestly, I could do without.”
“You’d still be with Kakashi even if he didn’t have a dick?” Karui asks, surprised.
“Of course! You don’t know what that mouth is capable of—”
“Does he even have a mouth?” Sakura wonders.
“—and even if that wasn’t the case? Dildos exist for a reason. Whether you have a dick or not,” Manako decides. The raises an eyebrow at Karui. “Are you saying if Chōji was in an accident tomorrow and lost his balls, you’d stop being with him?”
“What? No! And besides, what accident would that be? He barely even goes out on missions anymore.”
“Actually, there are several ways a man can lose—” Sakura begins.
“I wasn’t actually asking,” Karui rolls her eyes.
“I think we’re all getting wildly off-topic here,” Ino interjects. “Now! On a scale of one to—”
“—Shikamaru,” Manako and Tenten say at the same time, grinning irreverently.
“—where do our guys fall?”
“I think that’s an inaccurate rating system,” Sakura protests. “Size can’t be the only factor.”
“Yeah, what about girth?” Manako wants to know. “It’s all well and good if a guy’s eight inches long, but if his dick’s as thin as a pencil, it’s pretty much useless.”
“And what about stamina? It’s not like it moves on its own,” Karui adds.
“Oh! And proper aim! Or, you know, additional use of fingers. Nothing worse than sex with someone who thinks penetration is the only way to get a woman off,” Tenten adds,
“Gods, this is turning into some kind of quadratic equation,” Ino complains.
“It’s not that hard,” Sakura protests. There are several laughs at that, and she rolls her eyes. “Pun not intended. But anyway, let’s say we have four categories—length, girth, stamina and miscellaneous—”
“What about…” Hinata begins, her voice barely above a whisper, and then she adds, “What about the feelings you have for your partner? That…I’m sure that makes a difference.”
The other women consider, and the nod in agreement.
“Alright, so we have five criteria, so if we put those out of ten, average them out and then assign them a value on the spectrum of one to—”
—Shikamaru,” Karui, Manako and Tenten chorus.
“Stop that!” Ino snaps.
“—then it would be more accurate,” Sakura finishes.
“If you’re still able to do math, you’re not drunk enough,” Temari informs Sakura.
“You have no idea what I’m capable of when I’m drunk,” Sakura retorts. “And besides—I don’t get drunk.”
“Oh, so that wasn’t you Sasuke was carting home from dinner last weekend, slung over his shoulder and staring at his ass?” Ino challenges. “Hm, must have been some other pink haired lush with a mutant forehead.”
They glare at each other.
“9/10,” Sakura says at last. “There’s some stuff Sasuke’s a bit shy about or doesn’t bother with, but everything else makes up for it.”
“9/10 for Sai, too,” Ino agrees.
“You’re just saying that to compete with me.”
“Says you! My husband happens to be an excellent lover.”
“Except when he accidentally says something insulting and ruins the mood, I’m guessing,” Sakura says. “He does it in normal conversation, so I’m pretty sure he’s done it during sex too.”
“Stop thinking about my husband having sex!”
“Can’t think about her husband, can’t think about her not-brother…who can we think about having sex?” Manako wants to know and Tenten sniggers.
“Choji’s an 8,” Karui says, interrupting the argument. “But that’s just because he keeps wanting to bring food into bed. And then one or both of us gets distracted.”
“Ugh!” Ino cries. “Stop telling me things I can’t unhear!”
“Shikamaru’s an 8 too,” Temari says, earning surprised glances. “And only because he falls asleep a lot.”
“Oh, Naruto does that too,” Hinata agrees. “They’re both so busy at work.”
“So Naruto’s also an 8?”
“No. He’s a 10.”
“No way Naruto’s a 10,” Sakura insists.
“Yeah, he’s got to have something wrong with him,” Ino agrees. “ I mean…he’s Naruto.”
“10,” Hinata maintains firmly, and whether it’s out of loyalty or reality, everyone senses it’s better not to ask.
“Well, Kakashi’s an easy 10,” Manako says. “But that’s just because he has more experience than any of your men.”
“Whatever, you old crone.”
“Now that we’ve established all of that,” Temari interrupts, “I believe it was my turn to ask…” She trails off, considering her next victim, and then smirks at Hinata. “Truth or Dare?”
“T-truth.”
“Was your wedding night the first time Naruto saw you naked?” Temari wants to know.
The other women burst into laughter.
“Why are you doing this to me?” Hinata groans.
“You could always choose dare.”
“Which would be…?”
Temari considers, and then nods to herself. “Pick someone in this room and lick their cheek.”
“I volunteer,” Manako says immediately.
“You would,” Sakura mutters.
“You’re full of hair,” Ino points out. “She’d probably get a hairball.”
“That’s cats,” Manako sniffs, shaking her head.
“Stop moving if you don’t want me cutting off an ear,” Tenten warns her.
“It wasn’t.”
The words are so quiet, they almost go unnoticed.
Almost.
“It wasn’t?” Temari repeats, staring intently at Hinata.
“You mean you gave it up before you got married?” Ino blurts out. “Wow, Hinata, I never knew you had it in you—”
“No! That wasn’t—we didn’t—Temari asked about the first time he saw me naked, not when we slept together,” Hinata complains, normally pale skin darkened by a blush and her pale eyes flashing with a hint of temper. “And that night wasn’t the first time. We were out on a mission once when we were chunin and I was meditating by the river and I didn’t have clothes on.”
“And he barged right in?” Sakura supplies. “Pervert.”
“He didn’t know I was there,” Hinata protests.
“Sure he didn’t…”
Hinata folds her arms and frowns. “Ino, truth or dare.”
“Oi! I make one comment and now you’re going to pick on me?”
Hinata raises an eyebrow.
“Truth,” Ino says, not quite trusting the usually innocent Hinata; it’s always the quiet ones that are the most dangerous, after all.
The Hokage’s wife ponders, and then a truly uncanny smile appears on her face, one that would look more at home on Naruto than her. “I heard somewhere that you perfected the Yamanaka technique of switching souls within bodies. So have you ever—I mean, on purpose—switched with Sai…you know…during?”
Ino’s jaw drops.
As does everyone else’s.
Sakura is the first to speak. “Well, I never would have saw that one coming.”
She almost sounds impressed.
“You have a dirty, dirty mind,” Manako says. “Good for you.”
“I think you broke Ino,” Temari points out, and everyone glances at the other blond woman who looks as if her brain has short-circuited.
“I think that’s a yes,” Sakura says, eyes gleaming with mischief. “She only over looks like that when she’s been caught out.”
“No way,” Karui says in awe. “So you’ve actually—?”
Ino snaps out of. “You’re all being ridiculous.”
“That’s not a no.”
“Stop it!”
“That’s a yes!”
“No it’s not!”
“So you actually know what it’s like to have sex as a guy?” Manako wants to know. “This I have to hear.”
“No, I don’t—stop putting words in my mouth! Truth! I choose a penalty truth!”
“Well-played,” Temari informs Hinata, who smiles sheepishly, before asking Ino, “If you could sleep with any of the Kage, past or present, who would you choose?”
“Nice one,” Sakura approves.
Ino thinks about it, and then says, “Kurutsuchi.”
Everyone gasps at that.
“Seriously?” Manako asks.
“Did I stutter?” Ino shoots back, echoing her words back.
“I thought you were completely straight,” Tenten says, surprised.
“I am. But given the fact that everyone else is or was either ugly, old, creepy or evil, I stand by my choice. Especially since Hinata said sleep and didn’t necessarily say have sex with.”
“Boo,” Sakura accuses. “You’re not supposed to logic your way out of an embarrassing truth. In fact, you’re not supposed to be sober enough to logic your way out of an embarrassing truth.”
“I’m just that good,” Ino sniffs.
“In your own mind, maybe…”
“Shut up. No, wait. Don’t shut up. Truth or dare?”
“Didn’t you already ask her?” Karui wants to know.
“Shh! It’s bound to be a good one,” Manako interrupts her. By now, her hair has been chopped off into an uneven, bristly pixie cut, and Tenten is grumbling as she pushes long locks of hair off of herself.
“I hope the manager of this place doesn’t mind cleaning this up,” she mutters to herself. “Maybe I can give him a discount at my store or something…”
“Okay, okay, I’ve got one, I’ve got one,” Ino interrupts, waving her hands to make everyone else shut up. “Okay—Sakura. Imagine you get Sasuke to agree to have a threesome with you and another guy—"
“Tch! Sure, in a parallel universe,” Sakura snorts, and then pauses, blinking. “On second thought, having met the Sasuke from a parallel universe, I think he might actually be into that sort of thing.”
“Wow,” Temari says with a blink. “I don’t know whether that’s hot or disturbing.”
“Hot,” Tenten decides.
“Disturbing,” Karui says at the same time.
“Both?” Hinata suggests tentatively.
“Both,” Manako says with a definitive note in her voice.
“All of you shut up, I haven’t finished my question!” Ino snaps, and the other women glance back at her. She renews her grin at Sakura. “So—say you get Sasuke to agree to a threesome with another guy, but it has to be a guy from your genin squad—”
“Ino!”
“—who would it be?”
“That’s not fair!” Sakura protests. “Three of them are married—”
“Kakashi and I aren’t married, we’re living in sin,” Manako interjects.
“—to people sitting in this room!”
“Well, fine, if you’re going to whine about it—for the purposes of this truth we can include members of your chūnin squad, too.”
“That’s no different!”
“If you don’t tell the truth, you have to do the dare,” Ino sing-songs.
Cheeks burning and expression mutinous, Sakura spends a few seconds considering the lesser of two evils, and then sighs. “Fine. Kakashi.”
There’s a burst of uproarious laughter and squealing.
“No way!” Ino protests. “He’s so old!”
“He’s not old, he’s experienced,” Manako corrects with would-be-haughtiness. “And a girl could do worse.”
“It has nothing to do with that!” Sakura cries and goes, if possible, even more red. “It’s the choice that makes the most sense! If it were Naruto, he and Sasuke would forget all about me and start some ridiculous competition—probably measuring their dicks or something—”
Everyone laughs, and even red-faced and perpetually embarrassed Hinata cocks her head to one side as if to say, ‘fair point’.
“—and that would end in a fist-fight. Then there’s Sai, who would have a comment for everything, and Sasuke would take it as criticism, and that would end in a fistfight,” she goes on, ticking options off her fingers while Temari snorts and takes another sip of sake.
“—and Yamato-taichou would be so unbelievable uncomfortable he would pass out—”
“Also, didn’t Sasuke stab him once?” Temari wants to know.
“—yeah, exactly! I doubt he’d want to get it on with the guy who stabbed him.”
“I don’t know if that would make a difference. Sasuke’s stabbed Naruto half a dozen times, and Naruto would probably still be down to fu—”
“Manako, if you finish that sentence, I will slip cocoa into your food and watch you asphyxiate to death in front of me,” Sakura vows, glancing over Hinata with the urge to press her hands over the other woman’s ears.
“Doesn’t setting off a severe enough allergic reaction that is causes anaphylactic shock violate the Medic-Nin’s Oath?” Manako challenges, and then makes a face. “Huh. Say that ten times fast.”
“There are loopholes,” Sakura replies primly.
“Sure there are…”
“Why are we focusing on Sakura becoming a murderer, and not on the fact that she wants to bone her former jōnin instructor?” Karui wants to know.
“I never said I wanted to bone him! It was Truth or Dare question!”
“Hmph. I personally would have gone with the Dare…”
“I don’t know,” Ino muses slowly. “I guess it could be interesting. I mean, he does read those books all the time.” She shoots Manako a questioning look. “Or does that not carry over?”
The older woman grins wolfishly. “Oh, it does. It really, really does.”
“La-la-la, I can’t hear you,” Sakura sings. Forget putting her hands over Hinata’s ears, she’s clapped them so hard to her head that she feels a bit of suction between palm and ear.
A sudden explosion rips through the air, sending a shockwave through the entire restaurant; it’s strong enough to knock Karui’s brassier from the lamp fixture. Outside, violent purple and fiery orange light up the night, behind the ruins of the Hokage tower.
“I guess that’s our cue,” Sakura sighs, getting up.
“Husband wrangling time,” Ino agrees.
“Who’s getting the bill?” Karui wants to know.
Everyone exchanges glances, and quickly stick their forefingers on their nose, except for Manako, who’s investigating her shorn hair. Noticing them all, she groans.
“Oh, that’s nice. Pick on the girl without super ninja reflexes.”
終わり
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So, there you go. It’s complete and utter crack, and totally just written for the sake of dialogue more than anything else. And all the sex info you never knew you wanted to know :P
Hope you guys had a bit of a laugh!
(Also, it occurs to me that Manako is the Naruto’verse equivalent of Captain Jack Harkness…)
I want to know what you think of my story! Leave kudos, a comment or if writing comments isn’t something you’re comfortable with, as many of these (or other emojis) as you want and let me know how you feel!
❤️️ = I love this story! 😳 = this was hot! 💐 = thank you for sharing this 🍵 = tea spilled 🍬 = so sweet and fluffy! 🚔 = you’re under arrest! the writing’s too good! 😲 = I NEED THE NEXT CHAPTER 😢 = you got me right in the feels 🤯mind blown 🤬god damn cliffhanger 😫 whyyyyyyy?!?!?
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