#total crack

[smolgaedragon]

Hidden Twin (DP X DC)

Danny wasn't all too surprised when his texts with Damian began to get more and more spread out. His last message from his twin had been to let him know that he had moved in with their birth father, Bruce Wayne in Gotham.

Their mother had chosen to hide Danny away with a random couple in Amity Park, and seeing how it prevented him from getting killed by his grandfather and his horrible, contaminated ectoplasm pond, Danny didn't mind it all that much.

Danny never felt a strong urge to connect with Bruce Wayne, especially as he grew up with the Fenton's. Sure, they were a tad insane, but Danny fit right in, and he had Jazz to watch over him after he died and became the Ghost King, as his parents were still very much trying to kill Phantom and therefore kill him.

What Danny wasn't expecting to happen though is for Phantom's help to be requested by the Justice Leage to help with an out-of-control ghost that was making its way around causing havoc. Instead of doing this the normal way, Constitine, who had somehow gotten hold of his summoning circle decided to summon him to a Justice Leage meeting when he was in the middle of doing homework.

Damian, of course, wasn't allowed to be in the room during the summoning. So, he was hiding in a dark corner of the room, out of Batman's line of sight. And due to him being so distracted with the possible down-sides to summoning the King of the Infinite Realms, he hadn't noticed that Damian had snuck into the room.

So, when Danny poofed into the center of the summoning circle drawn on the space station's floor, he grumbled. "Constitine, you know there are so many other ways of getting me to talk than forcing me to abandon my homework, I had almost finished it!" Bruce sucked in a very small breath, probably noticing how Danny looked near identical to his son, mostly since he was currently Fenton instead of Phantom.

It was only now that Danny actually took the time to scan who was all in the room that he was just summoned into. He eyes holding up on Batman, and right where Damian was hiding behind him, then he turned to Wonder Woman. "Your grandfather speaks very highly of you" Which made her just stare at him before accepting this new information.

"So, what exactly do you need me for?" Danny turned back to Constitine, who was sitting rigid in a chair. "We have been unable to locate a ghost quickly enough to trap it and send it back to your realms" "Ahh" Danny said, leaning his back against the glass wall facing out into space that he was totally going to geek out over as soon as all of this stuff wrapped up. "So, you need to catch a little ghostling for you, you're losing your touch old man"

"Will you help us?" He grumbled out as the smirking teenager. "Of course I will, on 2 conditions" he said, eyes flicking over to Batman, who was the next one to speak up, "Which are?" "Simple!" Danny chirped, "I wanna be able to come back up here to look at the stars occasionally, " Which made the superheroes all nod secretly towards each other, as it wasn't all that much of a payment for saving them all a lot of headaches and time, "And second, I want to meet Batman's current Robin" he said while looking right at Batman.

Danny had instantly recognized the energy that his twin was giving off from his hiding spot in the corner and wasn't too certain on whether or not the rest of the Justice Leage were aware of who the Bat's all were and didn't want to be the one who released that information.

All heads turned towards Batman, wondering what he was going to say, and if it would cost the team Phantom's help if the man said no. "That could be arranged" And with that Danny had a giant smile on his face, "Great! I'll be back in an hour or 2 if that would be good with you both?" Danny questioned Batman, eyes glancing to Damian once or twice. Batman nodded. Danny kept his smile as he poofed away just like how he had shown up.

"What now?" Superman asked, "And why do you think he wanted to meet Robin?" "Guess we'll find out in a little bit" Wonder Woman said, watching Constitine leave the room with a slightly shell-shocked face, mumbling about needing a beer.

Batman was sitting in the meeting room alone an hour and a half later when Phantom appeared again, he was actually prepared and in his ghost form now, this time he showed up facing the window, completely entranced by the stars he could see. "I bet you were wondering why I want to meet with Damian, but knowing how Batman works I assume you have already figured at least part of it out by now?" Danny twisted his head to look at the man who his twin calls 'father', his form switching back to 'Danny' from 'Phantom'.

"I'll call him in" Batman said, his voice somewhat betraying that he did in fact have emotions as he went to the door. Nearly as soon as the door opened Damian stood inside staring at Danny, who was smirking at him. "What? Shocked I became a better superhero than you? You know, Talia did always say we'd become exactly like dear old Brucie, though I don't think that this was what she had in mind"

Damian took off his robin mask, walked up to, then hugged Danny. "Danyal, I apologize for not communicating with you more often" "Don't worry, its mutual, I totally forgot to send you a text after I died and came back too, we can swap full stories later"

"I do have like 2 more hours before Jazz realizes I'm not quietly doing my homework anymore, so we have time to chat more if you want, same goes for you Bruce" The duo sat down around the meeting table and started to swap some stories about what had happened since they last had an in depth talk with each other. Bruce almost felt like he was out of his depth, what are you supposed to say to your son's twin that you hadn't known existed before today and was apparently the king of ghosts.

Before Danny went home, he made plans with Damian to come to Gotham sometime soon to visit and meet his family, and for Danny to bring Jazz with him so she could also meet her brother's twin's family, and he had to promise that they would actually text each other now.

[shirleycarlton]

Flash Fic

So today, at our European Fic Writers' Retreat, we did a Zoom call with the Canadian retreat (which happens to take place at the same time!)

We used a random number generator to choose several prompts from various lists and websites.

First, you had to write a list of characters you were willing to write about, and number them. Then the random number generator tells you which ones to use.

This way, I ended up with the following prompts to use:

Lestrade Mrs Turner An argument flight superhero

The rules were: you have 20 minutes.

This is the result (warning, complete crack ahead):

Lestrade rang the doorbell too 221B and waited. And waited. After ringing it again two times, an unfamiliar elderly lady stuck out her head from the window nextdoor. “Sir, can you please, for the love of god, stop ringing that doorbell?” she asked. “They’re either not home or not willing to open the door!”

“But it’s urgent!” Lestrade said.

“What could be urgent at this time of day?” she said.

“I’ve finally found the proof that your neighbour’s tenants are most definitely in love with each other!” Lestrade yelled back over the din of the traffic, as several cabs passed at the same time. “They just haven’t realised it themselves!”

“So why is this urgent? And why is it any of your business, for that matter?”

“Tonight is the deadline for the betting pool at the Yard! I can finally afford the new skateboard I want if I win! This is my only chance!”

“Well, that obviously changes matters,” the lady replied, suddenly understanding. “What is life without a good skateboard?” she said, completely serious.

“But the problem is, they have to kiss or it doesn’t count,” Lestrade explained.

“Alright, I’ll mobilise the troops,” she said.

“Troops?”

“My friend, Martha Hudson. I know she’s been trying to get them together for years, but now that the stakes are upped, she’ll just have to try a little harder. And I’ll help her.” Her head disappeared from the window and Lestrade remained stood on the pavement of Baker Street, feeling a bit lost and silly. Now what?

After a few minutes, the front door to number 221 flew open. Mrs Hudson beamed at him. “Oh, Mr Lestrade, finally, finally! My friend Mrs Turner managed it at long last: Sherlock and John are snogging each other absolutely senseless upstairs.”

“No we’re not,” Sherlock said from halfway down the flight of stairs. He did look thoroughly snogged though, his hair tousled and his face flushed considerably. “We want in on the money. You can’t just profit off our happiness like this.”

“Why not?” said Lestrade. “You guys are already happy now. I can only achieve happiness with a new skateboard. Also, my wanting the money was the cause of your happiness. So sod off and continue snogging John senseless. Go!”

Sherlock shrugged, apparently admitting he had a point, and quite gladly did as he was told. Upstairs, they could hear the sofa legs scrape the floor.

“Thank you, Mrs Hudson,” Lestrade said.

“Oh, you should thank Mrs Turner! She’s the superhero here, who managed to do what no one has been able to so far.”

“True.”

However, she was nowhere to be seen.

Mrs Hudson pointed to the sky. “There she goes!”

Lestrade turned around just in time to see a rainbow-coloured cape disappear behind the buildings on the opposite side of the street.

He smiled and hurried to the Yard, looking forward to the riches awaiting him. At last.

[whydoesthecxgedbirdsing]

“Sasori get your ass over here! I wanna see if you’ll rust! I promise to fix any damage!”

@thefallenperfection

[possumwoodpie]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

I have been held responsible for bringing this into the world. the Asset gets to experience Culver's.

my little Wisconsinite transplant heart cannot take it

yes I will be podding this soon.

ily @writethewolvesaway

[thot-chi]

A Marvel AU where children can be born from someone's magic. In other words rather than Hela having an unknown mother she was born of Odin's magic. Frigga's child of magic could totally be Baldur, who was banished from ever setting foot on Asgard by Odin after he married Frigga.

I'm sure Loki would have a child of magic and it could turn out really hilarious like kid Loki was so strong that he got to have one early but Loki being a kid was like 'I want a magic horse 🐎' and that's how Sleipnir was created. But then it can go in a very whump way of Loki's child of magic born during his captivity with Thanos, who killed the child and drove Loki mad.

I had always thought of this idea for some time but the only reason I'm putting this out here because I was imagining during the attack of the Dark elves in Thor 2, Frigga was about to be killed but Baldur shows up before that happens and fights. Of course this causes Odin to be distracted because he does not like Baldur at all. Anyway in some way Odin basically dies for a bit but lives again but it's enough for Hela to be free.

She's like planning her takeover when suddenly.

Baldur: My Love?!?

Hela, looking at her hit-it-and-quit-it: Fuck!

Everyone else:WOT?

Baldur:My love. It has has been ages since I had last seen you, where have you been??

Hela, glaring at Odin: Here and there.

Thor&Loki: A brother and a sister?!?!?

Baldur: But my love you told me you were with child the last I saw of you!

Everyone: what

Odin: WHAT????

Hela, nonchalantly: ah yes, I disguised it as a Jotun infant and hid it in a temple on Jotunheim. Don't know what happened to...

[Hela then looking at Loki in realization. Loki going through 750th mental breakdown]

Hela: oh shit.

*Buldur, looking at Loki with love and admiration* 😲😲😲

Frigga&Odin, realizing Loki is their bio grandchild, who they lied to his whole life.

Thor, freaking out that not only is he not the eldest but his elder siblings fricked and created Loki, making his brother his nephew.

Loki, finding out he's not a Frost giant. He has half-siblings, those half-siblings are actually his bio parents. His parents are his grandparents. His brother is actually his uncle. And that he is blood related to the likes Odin and Thor again.

[cheers-mdears]

just imagined stede finding out about ed cutting off izzy's toe and being like "haha! nice" a la black pete

Or learning he cut off izzy's toe and then fed it to him and being like "oh I get it now" 😂

[thenotyetpublishedpen]

Me, cackling while adding Taylor Swift’s Marjorie to my Andromaquynh playlist on Spotify

“If I didn't know better

I'd think you were still around

What died didn't stay dead

What died didn't stay dead

You're alive, you're alive in my head”

And

“You loved the amber skies so much

Long limbs and frozen swims

You'd always go past where our feet could touch”

[robininthelabyrinth]

*snicker* Prompt: Where the Nie sect are all (secretly?) werewolves, and 'qi deviation' is code for 'stuck in/refusing to resume human form'.

“Da-ge!” Nie Huaisang said, poking his head in through the door to where Nie Mingjue was entertaining his sworn brothers. “I know I said I was going shopping, but I’ve changed my mind; I’m going to go have a picnic up the mountain.”

Nie Mingjue nodded his consent, and Nie Huaisang disappeared with a yelp of joy.

“I’m surprised you didn’t make him tell you what mountain,” Lan Xichen laughed. “It’s not as if Qinghe is short on them.”

“I’m surprised Huaisang agreed to go outside, especially instead of shopping,” Jin Guangyao put in with a smile.

“There’s only one mountain that matters,” Nie Mingjue said absent-mindedly. “And one of the family must have come to visit.”

“Family?” Jin Guangyao asked, lowering his head as if his interest hadn’t been piqued. The main branch of the Nie sect rather infamously consisted of just the two brothers, although the extended family was fairly large – though he’d never known either brother to make time especially for them. “What family?”

“Distant ones,” Nie Mingjue said shortly, and changed the subject.

Naturally, after a dodge like that, Jin Guangyao had to follow up.

“Who are you going to visit?” he asked Nie Huaisang.

“Great-uncle Lu!” Nie Huaisang said happily. “It’s been years since I last saw him.”

“I’m sure he’ll be impressed with how much you’ve grown,” Jin Guangyao teased. “Will he bring lots of presents from his travels?”

“Oh, he doesn’t travel,” Nie Huaisang said, and – what? How could not have seen Nie Huaisang for years if he lived in the area? Was there some sort of familial infighting Jin Guangyao wasn’t aware of? “And he doesn’t really do presents much – though he’s always very thoughtful about bringing lots of food.”

“Well, that’s something,” Jin Guangyao said faintly. Bringing food, as opposed to snacks to share, seemed rather rude to him, implying that Qinghe couldn’t act as a proper host – but Nie Huaisang was clearly very enthusiastic. “What’s he like, your great-uncle?”

“His temper’s even worse than my brother’s,” Nie Huaisang said, and that put a quick end to any thought Jin Guangyao might have had about asking to join in the visit.

Still, the curiosity was killing him.

“Don’t you think it’s strange?” he asked Lan Xichen, who blinked at him. “That it’s a great-uncle, I mean. I thought most Nie cultivators died young.”

“They also have children young,” Lan Xichen pointed out, but frowned thoughtfully. “I haven’t heard of any great-uncle before now, though. Did he mention a name?”

“Just ‘Lu’.”

“Huh. Da-ge once mentioned a Great-Uncle Lu, but it can’t be that one – he was apparently famous in Nie family lore for having a, uh, particularly explosive qi deviation, I think is how he put it…”

Jin Guangyao did not especially want to consider what that might have looked like. “Probably a different one,” he agreed. “Did you give Huaisang that fan you wanted to give him?”

“Oh no, I forgot!” Lan Xichen exclaimed, as Jin Guangyao had expected, and from that point it was fairly easy to convince him that they should just pop in on Nie Huaisang’s picnic to give it to him.

They find Nie Huaisang fairly easily, right in the middle of setting up a big fire for roasting; he was delighted to get the fan, and spent several minutes questioning Lan Xichen about the origins and meanings and artist while Jin Guangyao looked around for clues about the mysterious great-uncle.

He wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting, but there was nothing at all – at least until the giant tiger swaggered out of the forest, dragging a deer by the haunch.

“Tiger!” Jin Guangyao exclaimed.

“Deer!” Nie Huaisang exclaimed. “Oh, wonderful; thank you, Great-Uncle! I haven’t had venison in weeks, what with us eating our way through the boar that da-ge brought down last month.”

Jin Guangyao’s sole consolation was that Lan Xichen looked as lost as he was.

The tiger, on the other hand, seemed very comfortable: it was massive, as large as a horse, and had somehow become covered in a light layer of green moss that made it look highly unusual. It threw its head to the side, tossing the deer onto the flames, and then used its paw to point at one of the jars of spice Nie Huaisang had prepared, and that was about when Jin Guangyao actually internalized that Nie Huaisang’s Great-Uncle Lu was, in fact, the tiger.

“How did that happen?” he asked, utterly fascinated. He’d always liked cats. There’d been a handful of strays that congregated behind the brothel; he would feed them any scraps that were fully inedible. He’d never met a tiger before. “He was human first, right?”

“Of course,” Nie Huaisang said, expertly butchering and then seasoning the meat as his great-uncle lounged on his side, watching contentedly. “It was…three generations back, I think? Maybe four? Not that long ago, anyway; he had a really epic qi deviation – it was big, hard to describe, almost –”

“Explosive?” Lan Xichen suggested.

“Yes! Exactly. Explosive.”

“I understand that much, but how did he turn into a tiger?” Jin Guangyao asked.

Nie Huaisang blinked at him. “I’m not sure I understand the question. I just told you: he had a qi deviation.”

“Are you saying that he turned into a tiger because of his qi deviation?” Lan Xichen asked, looking dazed.

“More or less,” Nie Huaisang said.

“It’s not ‘more or less’,” the familiar deep voice of their eldest sworn brother said from behind them. “It’s exactly so.”

Jin Guangyao pasted on a smile before turning, but for once Nie Mingjue didn’t seem to be in a bad mood – if anything, he didn’t even seem all that surprised at seeing them.

“Why do you think our tombs only have a place for sabers?” he asked, sitting down next to Nie Huaisang and assisting with the roasting. “Burying the sabers doesn’t mean that if there were bodies, we wouldn’t need to deal with them as well.”

“That makes sense,” Lan Xichen said, though he sounded a little doubtful.

Jin Guangyao thought about the tombs he’d seen – how many tombs there were, and all filled solely by sabers. No bodies. Not even remnants thereof.

“How often do Nies turn into tigers upon deviation?” he asked, starting to rapidly re-think his plan regarding the Song of Clarity. It would be an awful shame for him to succeed in planning the perfect murder, only to be mauled to death by a tiger shortly after completion. “All of them?”

“Now that one is ‘more or less’,” Nie Huaisang said triumphantly, and Nie Mingjue rolled his eyes at him. “Quite a few do, anyway, and almost always the ones in the main line, since they bear the heaviest burden. There’s a short period in which their body collapses – we take them away so they can transform in private, and announce the death before releasing them on the mountain.”

“…this mountain?” Jin Guangyao said, thoughts of giant packs of roving Nie ancestor tigers. Angry ones.

“We release them on this mountain, but they live on a celestial mountain that can’t be easily accessed,” Nie Huaisang said.

“Oh, like Baoshan Sanren,” Lan Xichen said, and both Nies abruptly looked extremely shifty. “Not – the same mountain?”

“…possibly,” Nie Mingjue allowed. “Not that we’ve ever met her in person, of course.”

“Of course,” Lan Xichen said blankly. “Not in person. Right.”

“Speaking of in person, what are you doing here, da-ge?” Nie Huaisang asked. “I thought you were too busy to go see Great-Uncle Lu.”

The giant green tiger across the fire growled pointedly at that.

“Sect business comes first,” Nie Mingjue informed the tiger. “And you’re not quite important enough to draw me away, Great-Uncle –”

The tiger bared its teeth.

“– but Grandmother Bai is.”

Nie Huaisang jumped to his feet. “Grandmother Bai is coming?!” he shouted, and even the green tiger looked deeply concerned by this news, insofar as tigers could look concerned – it got up and paced around, lashing its tail from side to side. “Why didn’t you say? I should put on something nicer –”

“I only just got word myself and came up as quickly as I could,” Nie Mingjue said, and then looked at Lan Xichen and Jin Guangyao. “I’m afraid you should probably go.”

“Your grandmother has a temper, I’m guessing,” Jin Guangyao tried a weak joke.

He got a stern look in response, but Nie Mingjue was still opening his mouth to scold him when the earth shook. It was a good thing they were all sitting, or else they might have fallen.

It was a very temporary shake. Jin Guangyao would have assumed it was an earthquake if another shake hadn’t happened a few moments later, and then another after that –

“Are those footsteps?” he asked, horrified. “How large is your grandmother, anyway?”

“Uh, well, you know,” Nie Huaisang said, which was not an answer.

“A more important question,” Lan Xichen said. “You call your great-uncle ‘Lu’, presumably because he’s green. Does that mean you calling your grandmother ‘Bai’ mean she’s white?”

They both nodded, and Lan Xichen blanched in a way that Jin Guangyao didn’t understand.

“Da-ge, Huaisang,” Lan Xichen said, very slowly. “Are you telling me that your – that your ‘grandmother’ is the Baihu?”

The celestial white tiger? That would be ridiculous.

“We’ve never asked,” Nie Mingjue said. “It seemed like it would be rude.”

“And we don’t do rude with anyone that has teeth larger than Baxia,” Nie Huaisang agreed.

Jin Guangyao decided that his curiosity had been sated enough for one day.