#mandileblanc

[mandileblanc]

Hello, my name is Mandi, and I just had my second miscarriage OR Unlucky At All Times

Sept 11, 2015   

Hello, my name is Mandi, and I just had my second miscarriage. No sugar coating it, it has happened to me, again. I’ve had 2 miscarriages in the last 2 years. I didn’t really get that excited this time around when I found out I was pregnant, to be honest.  My family did, but I didn’t.  I guess I just somehow knew it wouldn’t stick around this time either.  But I got to experience all the awful 1st trimester stuff like nausea and not having an appetite, twice.  It appears my body just will not carry a baby after like 8 to 12 weeks. I’m not really sure how women can have multiple miscarriages and not just give up.  Because that’s all I want to do right now. I don’t ever want to feel this way, but, I guess it’s inevitable for me, as I said that last time and here we are, again.  I just feel like such a reject, like, nope, this is not for you, I thought I told you that the first time.

And why does this seem to happen to me right before big events?  When I need to have my A game on?  As if to say, don’t you DARE enjoy these things you should be excited about.  Last time, it was right before a work trip to Vegas.   This time, I found out that I would probably lose the baby the day before a big work summit and two days before I went on a solo trip to New York City to go to a music festival and see some Broadway shows.  It was REALLY hard to enjoy myself on this trip, even though I tried and sometimes did have fun.  The day after I get back from this trip, I find out for sure that I have lost it.  And I honestly don’t know how Jeremiah and I are going to recover from this for a second time. I don’t think I’ve even dealt with the first miscarriage really. I constantly think about it and I already feel like everything I try hard at I am denied, so what’s the point of anything anymore? And forget about trying to console myself with TV and movies, because everything I currently watch or I once loved, I now can’t stand to watch because of some pregnancy/abortion/miscarriage plot. Sorry The Mindy Project, probably won’t be watching you anymore anytime soon, and this makes me sad. And so it goes.

And again, I still don’t know how to act around people, especially ones I don’t know so well. I had to go to a dinner a few days after finding out where I barely knew anyone. I can only posture for so long until I just can’t anymore. Especially when half of these people have kids and spent the majority of the evening talking about them.  It was pretty much torture on Jeremiah and I. I am so sad, upset, angry, distraught, that I just don’t care how it affects others or how they perceive me right now. How I feel now anytime I’m with people that don’t know anything about this:

I seriously feel like my life is at a standstill.  Or a crossroad.  Or both, if that’s even possible.  And everyone else is just moving along, taking the path to starting their families, getting/having that job or career that they want/deserve, and Jeremiah and I are waving at the sidelines just hanging out with our cats and dog.  And I have NO IDEA what to do now or where to go from here.

I’m just trying to get through each day without a meltdown at this point, which is no easy feat.  Trying to get work done, keeping myself busy, trying to do daily tasks that I don’t want to just so I don’t think about any of this at all times, this is where I’m at.  And I’m still thinking about it, even if I try not to.

Thank God for Taylor Swift.  Seriously.  1989 has been my jam for quite a while now.  Girl is on FIRE right now and just lights up everything she’s involved in.  Jeremiah and I just saw her in concert this week and she has made my week SO MUCH BETTER just for being her.  She’s seriously a wonderful entertainer, I had so much fun at her 1989 Tour that I endured the line of young girls for a t-shirt.  And yes, I am 39 years old. Don’t care what you think.  Taylor is awesome.

[mandileblanc]

Why does everything seem so hard for me? OR Am I making myself miserable, get a new dream?

4.24.15

It’s National Infertility Awareness Week.  Who knew something like that existed?  Not me.  But it’s a thing apparently.  Nothing like getting something in at the tail end, Mandi. 

Anyway, I know it’s been awhile since I have written anything, and that’s because, well, I have nothing new to tell you.  And who do I think is waiting out there to read this?  No one, Mandi, calm down.  Your mom will get to it when she has time.  Sigh.

But this isn't going to help me get a book deal!

Once again, it seems I have failed at procreation last month, even with fertility drugs and the doctor telling me that my eggs and follicles were REALLY good. Meanwhile, everyone around me is getting pregnant, having their baby, having their SECOND, THIRD and FOURTH babies while I struggle and struggle month after month after year after year with no results at all.  And if sex could just be fun again and not have to be planned or had mandatorily at specific times each month, that would be great.  Sorry, but that’s the reality of it for me. 

We are on round two of Clomid, a fertility drug, this month and just waiting the two weeks you have to.  But, thanks to, well, being me, I got super sick while I was ovulating this month.  I’m talking, had to go to the emergency room for dehydration-get an MRI because we can’t figure out what’s wrong with you-on antibiotics that are not as strong because you are trying to get pregnant-sick. After 4 days, the doctors think I have a bacterial or viral infection that I have to just “let it run it’s course” and they have no idea how I got it.  Meanwhile, still not quite out of the woods and feeling 100% normal again.  Hopefully, the minimal sex we were able to have was had at the right times, but, knowing my luck, I’ll get my period next week, ON MY 39th BIRTHDAY, because that’s usually how things go for me.  Yeah, that’s right, 39.  And the clock just keeps on ticking, and the hits just keep on coming.

And, you know, I TRY to be happy and not think about these things, but they always seem to creep back up at some point, and I just feel like less of a person sometimes because of this.  I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away, but I just feel that all my efforts are usually for nothing.  And feeling like this ALL THE TIME is not fun, or healthy, but I’m not sure if I will ever not feel this way, and that scares me.  Being a person that can never not be slightly saddened or upset when she sees a pregnant woman, or a happy family, or hearing the neighbors outside playing with their toddler and hearing his cute noises, or watching ANY MOVIE OR TV SHOW now, because someone is ALWAYS pregnant, usually by accident, or can’t get pregnant or it’s something so similar to what I’m going through I have to turn it off because I can’t stop crying.  This is my life now.  Avoiding my favorite TV shows, movies, Facebook, when possible, so I don’t upset myself any further as I watch all my friends start and/or expand their families and get on with their lives as we stay in the same place.  I’m tired of this place.  I haven’t wanted to be in this place for almost 4 years now.  But, apparently this is where we’re supposed to be, though.  And I hate it.

It’s hard to keep caring when you get the same results, and I’m sure I've said this before because, at this point, I feel like a broken record.  And I’m afraid I’m going to drive Jeremiah away by all my sadness.  I am almost to the point of not caring, wearing a giant t-shirt,  sweatpants and no bra all day, barely getting out of bed, not going back to work ever because I just can’t care about things anymore for fear of getting hurt even more than I already am.  I don’t want that, but secretly that’s what I wish I could do 90% of the day because it feels like it would just be easier than caring or trying to pretend that I am happy these days. And when I read back these things that I have written, I am scared for myself and of myself.  Because, wow Mandi, really?  But, it’s also the most honest I've ever been with myself, or anyone, really.  I am a sad person right now, I know why this is and I have no control over it, and this is probably why I spiral so far into depression and sadness, because I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS.  I CAN’T STAND to not be in control of things, especially my own body.  Maybe it’s why I’m so hard on myself, because I just don’t like failing at anything, and I continue to fail at this over and over and over and I HAVE NO CONTROL over what happens, and I don’t like it.

When is something good going to happen to ME?  Can I get some of what everyone else around me seems to be getting?  And how selfish is that?  I’m not homeless, or starving or hurting for anything in this world, but I can’t get this chip off my shoulder and shake the fact that I’m almost 39 and I’m still not a mother.  I seriously feel like I am holding myself back, in life and just in general, focusing ALL my time and energy on something that just isn't happening.  It would kill me to just give up completely, and it’s REALLY hard not to obsess over something you want more than anything in the world.  I would love it if work or other things in my life would somehow be happy and fulfilling and keep me distracted from all the pain and depression I feel because of my loss, but it doesn't.  If anything, it’s just as bad and just reinforces the thoughts in me that nothing good or happy can happen to or for me and I am destined to always learn and find out things the hard way.  And most of the time, the “hard way” seems to mean I can’t have it.  Not for you, Mandi.

Ready.  Fire.  Aim.  That’s how my life feels at this moment.  It feels like I keep getting so close but somehow I shoot before I actually aim for anything, thus continuing the metaphor for my life.