#manicmemories

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Interview with Des Rocs

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My answers didn't come to me until after I stood in front of the blender sobbing. I was this pathetic, sporty-looking mess of a girl, bawling while the blender whirred up my green morning smoothy. ...

Start following me today as I spend this year rediscovering myself after losing my husband to mental illness and losing my marriage too. 

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I left feeling lonesome for the husband I had to leave in that room. And I also felt helpless.

This page is dedicated to the end of my marriage and the eternal optimism that has kept me going through my darkest days. Please follow me today.

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Holding Up

Tic. Tic. Tic. I listened to the second hand sweep around clock in my husband’s hospital room for hours. He slept a lot that first day. And I’ll admit it was a nice break from having to try and make conversation. It wasn’t like I didn’t know my husband – I knew him intimately – but he really wasn’t himself, not truly. He couldn’t really keep up and he was groggy most of the day. So why try to…

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Life Interuppted

I woke up on a cold, snowy Monday to a new reality. My husband was in the hospital and I had to make the call to work to tell them that I wouldn’t be in the office for a few more days. That was hard. I’m private – always had been until now! – and I didn’t know how much to share. So I shared very little and everyone could make their own assumptions. Even my boss was in the dark about the entire…

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Misunderstood - 88/89

These last couple of days I’ve been thinking of mental illness and how misunderstood it is by most people. This was sparked by my therapy session and what I hear from friends who regularly say things like “we just don’t get him” or “he’s so frustrating” – the “he” always refers to my ex. It’s hard for me to hear these comments and find myself defending my ex husband and try to explain that he’s…

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Stand by Me - Day 86

…I stood there watching as my husband calmly walked to the ambulance with the paramedics. I stopped to catch my breathe – clasped both my hands over my mouth and hunched over as a flood of emotion took over me. Oh my god, oh my god, was all I could say. My sister and I were escorted to the front of the ambulance as we took off out of the airport, lights and sirens running – there was no…

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What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Reflecting on day 81: When we landed in Chicago my heart sunk. My husband had started making the sign of the cross and hitting the console above his head on the airplane. He kept mumbling and then laughing and then snapping his head around. To those of us watching, it was a scary and tragic scene. We were those people who you always wonder about – and feel sorry for – when you see the ambulances…

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