#divorcedaze

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Ignorance is bliss

I’ve livid. I’m pissed. And above all, I’m questioning my own judgement. While I may have “almost” cheated on my ex – I never acted on any of it. I never really allowed myself to even comment on another mans’ attractiveness to friends. I guess I didn’t know I was missing anything until I met Hawaii Boy. And now, I’m flippin’ mad that I let myself think that I would be just the same after that…

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Dinner Date

While day 100 has come and gone… far less ceremoniously than the 4th, I think it’s interesting that my ex has asked me to dinner to discuss “something”. What is it? I’ve tried to probe…I’ve tried to pull it out of him, but he is determined to have a talk at a dinner. It makes me a little nervous for some reason – like I’m walking into a trap. Maybe he is moving and wants to take the dog…or maybe…

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I'm having a shit time assimilating...not backwards, but forward.

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Day 99 - All those red balloons

It feels like I’ve just been trying to catch those balloons…they are metaphors for emotions and understanding. This year is about all of that. It feels like I’m searching, but really just feeling my way without the weight of my ex husband’s disease, without the burden of his hateful parents (they didn’t speak to me at my own wedding) and now without the boundaries of marriage. This must be what…

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M.I.A

Day 98: It’s been four days since I’ve been able to have 5 minutes to recount my thoughts. Shit – I’m staring day 100 down on this blog. I think that’s a pretty big milestone…it feels like I’ve come a long way, but the road looks bumpy and hazardous until I get to the end. I’ve been avoiding the completion of the story about my exes mental break. I’ve realized that it weighs on me and that there…

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Misunderstood - 88/89

These last couple of days I’ve been thinking of mental illness and how misunderstood it is by most people. This was sparked by my therapy session and what I hear from friends who regularly say things like “we just don’t get him” or “he’s so frustrating” – the “he” always refers to my ex. It’s hard for me to hear these comments and find myself defending my ex husband and try to explain that he’s…

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Beast of Burden

Days 78 & 79 – sigh. I’m a bundle of nerves. It’s been three months since my divorce was final and I think I’ve been trying to keep myself so preoccupied, I’ve been ignoring the fact that I’m incredibly sad. My heart is so heavy right now, and this weakness allows for a man that I met for two seconds, to creep into my thoughts. I hate this – it makes me sick to my stomach. I need to purge him…

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"V" is for Vortex

Day 74: Tomorrow I have to say goodbye to Sedona. Such a bummer to leave this beautiful place. The good news is, that I’m taking a few things with me as I leave. The first, is the appreciation that my life is blessed by wonderful friends, a family that would do anything for me, and a job that has helped give me something to focus on during these past years of hard times. The second “thing” that…

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