I’m just done waiting.
Hellooooo interwebs!
I guess I should start from the beginning before the word vomit takes over and I’m no longer coherent… or maybe I’ll be even wiser. Who knows honestly. I feel like I should maybe say something to draw you in but you’re here anyway. Anyway, like I said, let’s start from the beginning.
So, my name isn’t Teddy but it’s what I’ll call myself. I’ve been an aspiring writer for a long as I can remember. I’m 30 and working a dead end bullcrap job that doesn’t feed my soul and barely feeds my wallet. I was raised by a single parent, my mother, who is currently battling stage 3 breast cancer. It might be Stage 2. I feel like it’s 2 but someone said it was 3. Anyway, the specifics don’t matter. I’m from a fairly traditional Asian family; they think you shouldn’t move out unless you’re getting married. My sisters managed to escape but I’m still here. Long story short because who needs that long winded blather: I wanted to pursue a creative career. The family is super opposed. I’ve been trying it their way and I’ve been miserable for as long as I can remember. Okay, so maybe I should delve a little deeper because I should kind of privileged and annoying.
Why am I so miserable? I know, it’s my life, my choices. I’m your classic people pleaser; needing validation from my family and hoping they’re proud of me. They expected a lot, you know? I was the “smart one” and now I make the least. I was always heavier and it was always a problem. I wasn’t as attractive as everyone else. All I had was the smarts and potential and as far as they’re concerned, I shit it all away. Getting promotions at my then part time job didn’t make them proud, it made them fear I was settling for something sub-par. So now I work in a lab, hating every minute of it so they’ll be proud of me and fun fact… they’re still not. Should note that I’m not a full time employee. I have this weird contract that means I work full time hours but don’t get full time benefits. I know. Why haven’t I left? It’s been 5 years. You know how it is, you get comfortable, you make excuses and you hustle your ass off to move up stay exactly where you are. I’ve done it all; the networking, the mentors and the sponsors, the seminars. I. Am. Still. Exactly. Right. Here.
So what’s different this time around? It’s safe to assume that if I’ve put that effort forward into trying to “move up” then I’ve been trying to “change” my life too. Ding ding ding, you would be correct. So really, I know, you’re asking, “Teddy, why the blog? What’s different?”
So I had an epiphany. Those who know me will say, hey you always have an epiphany! What is it ACTUALLY this time. So I’ve been a sadsack for a while now, I’ve been the victim of circumstance forever… My coworker quit. That’s what happened. Why is that relevant? Let me tell you the ways. So we’ve both been stuck in that shithole forever. Years. Less for her but years. I used to spontaneously burst into a piddling crying machine just standing in the lab. Everything sucked. We always commiserated on that. And then suddenly, she did it. She quit. No plan. Just didn’t wanna be miserable.
Now I went through all the damn stages of… not grief but just all of them. All the stages. Happy. Sad. Mad. Jealous. Happy. Mad. Resentful. Happy. Mad. Happy. Mad. Happy… WHY AREN’T YOU GRABBING YOUR OWN LIFE BY THE BALLSACK?! Real talk. That’s what happened. I was in a funk for all of five minutes and then I was like no, no no, teds, you’re a powerhouse. Thanks V for saying that. It’s stuck with me ever since. But really, other people see it in you, why don’t you? What is holding you back?
And then boom. It hit me. Physically. Kind of. I was sitting at my local Super Lube getting an oil change and he slammed the hood of my car down and it was like something snapped. All of a sudden, I was like okay, no. You know why you struggle soooo much? Because you know this isn’t right. You know that you’re in control you’re just too chickenshit to actually take control. No one’s holding a gun to your head saying oh you’re fucked.
So how do we do this? How do we grab life by the ol’ cahones and trudge full steam ahead of the powerhouse-y, creative swirly twirly happy dappy teddery grahamery that you know you’re more than capable of?
And here’s why we’re where we are… and why we have this blog. Everyone says, manifestation is the way to go. Manifest the life you want. There’s no time frame though so how do I know if it’s successful? Honestly, I don’t know. I guess my happiness level and if I’m getting to where I want to be.
Leads us to our next questions obviously: where do you want to be?
Instead of being generically “happy”, I’m going to try to be more specific on what I want. I want to move into a job that feeds my creative soul and makes me feel fulfilled. I want to attract abundance and not have to live paycheque to paycheque. I want to share the things I create with people who aren’t just in my inner circle. I want a relationship with someone who understands and loves my brand of weird. I want to move into a space I’ve created to be my own. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and take my health back; lose some weight and be able to keep up in a spin class. I want to travel somewhere I’ve never been even if it’s just a small town somewhere close. I want to manifest the life I know I deserve and am capable of living.
Day one starts tomorrow. Thanks for following along!
-Teddy
Today I feel: Rainbow (angry, sad, happy, invigorated and a little drunk)