#manyfacets

[safetyapparel]

Surveyors are an opinionated bunch of machete wielding mathematicians. Though we come from different backgrounds and have different ways of surveying, we have much more in common than not. #justopinions #debates #conversations #mediamadness #manyfacets #keepcalmandsurveyon #loveyall❤️ (at British Columbia) https://www.instagram.com/p/CE7BJm1hk8S/?igshid=1nryy7pim4b5o

[acebanca]

Ya boi knows how to clean up for a swanky night. What y'all think? #swanky #suave #blacktie #cleanup #manyfacets #fullofsurprises #pose #strikeapose #vogue #imtoosexy #imtaken #followme (at Acebanca) https://www.instagram.com/p/B8ZzVg9pB-t/?igshid=q8hhstt6hkea

[sliicknik]

#halloween #nurse #cheshirecat #porcelindoll #doll #corpsebride #somanyfilters #manyfacets (at Danbury, Connecticut)

[emmgrp]

Multifaceted 💎 #catchnyc #catchroof #cocktails #manyfacets #cheers #EMMDRINKS (at Catch Rooftop)

[happynaturalista-blog]

Time to #Renew. I got work to do! #HappyNaturalista #IslandGirl #RealEstateProfessional #NotaryPublic #Visionary #ManyFacets #PriceIsRight ;-) #IDidntStartToStop #CantStopWontStop #Sweet16

[rldavisbooks-blog1]

Chapter Preview #2! Chapter 15: "load'Blizzcon2013.trip',eye_status=tears"

*A note ahead of the chapter itself - this one is a former Falling Into You chapter. It's also a 100% real tale, no layers of abstraction outside of the names. Yes, Blizzcon was still amazing. No lack of communication can kill that show.*

*0000=2013.11.06-10:15.07*

Wednesday, November 6th was a fun day. I set out with my friends Louie, Joe, and Jake to head out to Blizzcon. Joe’s friends and our World of Warcraft guild mates Dean and Deb were also coming, and we met up together, the 6 of us in two cars, and set out from Carson City to Anaheim, California. Blizzcon is a fun two-day game convention that we had all been looking forward to going to since May, when we all bought our tickets to the show. 

It was, to my mind’s eye, a bit of a reprieve from the constant worry that the time without Valerie was inflicting upon me. It was now fifteen days without physical contact with her - 15 long, grueling days, in which my mind had started to inflict terrible wounds upon me. I was talking to her nearly every day, and yet the distance had never felt larger. She was in the same city as me, and yet I could conceive of her being in some other place in the world, and I wouldn’t know the difference.

At least we still had plans to see Gramatik, and that fact helped calm my nerves somewhat.

The road trip down to Anaheim eight hours in the car, is some of the most fun of the journey. It’s a constant barrage of jokes, game humor, life stories, and odd observations about things we see on the road. Dismantled KFC signs, truck nuts, and random bumper stickers and road signs fill our sight and we laugh and crack wise about all of them. The last time we made such a large-scale road trip was back in 2009, going to this same show. 

We finally arrived into Anaheim near 8 PM that night, after meandering our way around the southern end of California. We were staying at the Hilton Anaheim, a hotel right next to the convention center we would be spending the majority of our time this weekend. We checked in and found our two rooms, planned to hold eight people. We would be meeting two friends who were flying in from Florida the next day.

But for this night, we had time to unwind. Jake, Louie, and I headed down Katella, past the shining lights of Disneyland and California Adventure as we went over to a family restaurant in the area. It was now nearly midnight, and we hadn’t eaten in a while, so this was a good journey. We sat down and listened as other gaming nerds chattered about the show we were all going to be going to, eating our meals and talking briefly while we listened in on every conversation we could hear.

We all returned to the hotel, and just as quickly, I headed back out immediately. The Hilton bar was already a hotspot for gamers, filled with a large number of our ilk drinking the night away. I took the time to send a few text messages to Valerie. She was writing some papers for class, and so we talked about how that was going, and about how my road trip had gone. I walked around the eerily empty convention grounds, the largest smile on my face as I received some favorable replies from her. We shared some jokes, and I ended the night at 2 AM, head to pillow on the hotel floor, when she replied to my inquiry if we were still going to Gramatik.

Valerie: Yeah, that should work.

*0000=2013.11.07-09:15.13*

We all woke up and headed off to have breakfast before we could grab our badges to the show. We wandered the convention grounds, taking pictures of the signs and setup we could see from behind the firmly-closed glass doors of the Anaheim Convention Center. Eventually, we stood in a line that could best be described as serpentine. Hours of standing, winding around the outside areas of the building, into a hall of the building, then into a packed maze of chain barricades and people standing around playing Nintendo DSes and goofing around on their smartphones. 

With our badges finally in hand near to 6 PM, we have some dinner. The less adventurous among us settle into the hotel rooms early to sit and prepare for the show. For me, that’s not quite enough. I manage to convince Jake to come with me to the bar downstairs, and the two of us, me, large and lanky as always, and Jake, a moderate-height black man with a thin chin-strap goatee wearing a fedora, head to the elevator and emerge into a massive nerd party. Hundreds of people are packed into every crevasse of the lobby area the bar occupies.

I buy us a round of drinks - a screwdriver and a red bull and vodka and we head upstairs one story to a floor that has some basic seating and a perfect view of the chaotic full house below us.

I was very glad that Jake opted to come down to the bar with me because he was the perfect person out of my group of friends to talk to about my plight - to hopefully escape the constant negative thought barrage that had been thoroughly damaging my self-esteem throughout the last fifteen days. 

What made it better, especially given that this talk between a couple of male friends is awkward to start, is that Jake wanted to discuss the idea of romance and started it.

“So, uh, what do you think about how things seem between Karen and I?”

Karen was a girl he had been dating for a little while, and I knew of her through a family member.

“You guys seem really cool together. You can tell you both are really into each other and that’s usually a good sign.” 

My reply elicited a smile in response. 

“I feel really good about it, you know? This is the first time I’ve wanted to get this serious with a girl, and she’s joking all the time about making mocha babies and that actually makes me laugh.”

He stopped for a moment, smiling due to receiving a text about that very topic from Karen at that moment, as if on cue.

He continued, saying, “I can see that Valerie makes you happy too, and that’s good. How’s that going?”

“Not very well, I think,” I replied, finally being able to vent some of my frustrations about the situation unfolding.

“I feel like on one hand she has been very honest with me and told me up front that she just wouldn’t have time…but on the other hand I worry that it’s more that she doesn’t see the value in being with me and just isn’t telling me.” My continuation sparked curiosity in Jake, and so he responded.

“Do you think it’s going to last? Even if it could, do you want it to keep going?”

“Without question,” I responded, elaborating further, “I really think I love this girl, and despite the issues, my hope is that when her time becomes available, it will be something we can make up for and it will be great. She’s so smart and we have so much in common in the way we look at things.”

It was time for more drinks before this got heavier. Nine dollars for a bottle of Blue Moon made me feel like perhaps I was being robbed, but it would prepare me for the buying options inside the convention proper tomorrow.

“So how about you and Karen? You mentioned you’re getting serious and you like it, but do you expect that it will continue on that way?” I wanted something to show me the ideal version of my plight.

“I really think so. Everything is just working - we enjoying being together and it doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of shit in the way.” His response captured the essence of the best days I had with Valerie to that point.

We finished our drinks, 1:45 AM, and it was time to sleep.

Tomorrow, we would dash into the massive glass building we had been in the shadow of for the past day and a half.

Tomorrow, my plight would get a little worse.

*0000=2013.11.08-08:15.36*

The time of Blizzcon had arrived, and we were all pumped to get down to the show. We woke up, grabbed some breakfast and headed into the convention center. Every indication was that we were going to get to see the new World of Warcraft expansion, which was pretty exciting as all of us played the game. We got settled into the main hall, where a massive stage and a ton of video screens were all set up, ready to broadcast the big show. The hall was dimly lit, grey concrete floors reflecting back the bright yellow lighting emanating from the main platform of the stage.

Over the speakers filling the hall, the rumble of war drums from Blizzard game soundtracks emerged, reverberating off the walls and echoing throughout the building. The group of us had fragmented a bit, and Louie and I found our way to the center of the hall, standing by the mix position trying to blend in with the crew on hand for the event.

We stood through the entire opening ceremony, confirming they would be showing off a new expansion for World of Warcraft as we had expected. We all traded text messages, reveling in our excitement.

As the opening ceremony concluded, Louie and I met Joe and all three of us found seats a little closer to the main stage, as they were about to reveal the features of the new World of Warcraft expansion. We got seated and the presentation started, all of these people in this room sitting through what effectively amounted to a very well-done Powerpoint presentation.

Suddenly, I felt a vibration in my pocket. I knew to expect friends might be coordinating seating, so I was ready to respond to any messages just in case.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket, half-listening to the Blizzard developers talk about being able to build your own fort in the game, when I realized that not only was it not a friend here, but I was having my concerns in my relationship with Valerie manifest in reality.

Valerie: “Hey, I’m going to miss Gramatik. Hope you’re not disappointed.”

And…well, I was. I let out an audible, quivering sigh that was loud enough to draw the attention of my friends, over the din of a massive crowd cheering for the announcements we were hearing. Louie turned and asked me if I was ok, and the best I could manage was a hand wave gesture while I began to think of a response.

Me: “Alright. To assuage my disappointment, this isn’t due to anything I did, right?”

Valerie: “No, not at all! I like you, but I’m not clear on our chemistry. Being at a loud concert won’t help.”

This was a fair point, and rationality seized me once more, calming my nerves slightly. Rationality would keep a hold on me, but it was about to change form.

Valerie: “I really like you. You’re cute and sexy. But, if I really liked you, wouldn’t I make more time for you? That’s what I’ve been thinking about.”

FUCK.

This was a dagger right to my heart. Every fear I had about the preceding days, the lack of contact, all of it just crystallized right before my eyes. Suddenly, the fact that I would get to play decorator in Warcraft meant nothing to me and nothing meant anything to me. I knew how I felt about our chemistry, I knew how I felt about this woman, and all I could think about is that all of it - all of it, was about to evaporate before my eyes. I fired off my best efforts to salvage it.

Me: “I’ve been thinking about that a lot too, and I know you’re busy. I honestly am ok with getting what I can of your time, as long as it’s worth it to you.”

Me: “You’ve done things for me like check in and ask how I was doing when I would post sad things to Facebook, and it means a lot to me.”

Valerie: “I’m glad that meant something to you. We should hang out when you get back. Let’s do dinner? Does Monday work?”

Me: “Yes, definitely.”

With those plans in place, it assuaged some of my concern.

But there was now her voice, planted in my head, telling me this:

“I’ve been thinking about if I like you enough to make time for you. Let’s see, I haven’t made time to see you in seventeen days. Do you think I find you worth it?”

I would argue that it seemed like she had made her decision. And that I wasn’t worth it.

In a weekend that included a live Blink-182 performance, the Gramatik concert, getting to play games that had not been released at that point, and meeting game developers I idolized, the most impactful event was this girl, whom I was in love with, essentially telling me I wasn’t worth her time.

That night, I walked the streets of Anaheim, a thick fog settled in the air.

Good. The streets of Anaheim are just like my mind, clouded with doubt.

[rldavisbooks-blog1]

Full Chapter #26 Preview: new_data_discovered, end subroutine

*0000=2013.12.15-18:15.23*

Me: “Still on for tonight?”

Valerie: “Yeah! Can you pick me up?”

Me: “Definitely! Be there at 6:15.”

Valerie: “Okay!”

The most life-changing moments begin with the smallest of events.

An ordinary text message exchange began this night.

I drove from south Reno out to Midtown, ready and excited for the night. I had some nerves, as they were always going to be there. Mostly, though, I was just excited. This was my night, and after all the false starts, the bullshit, her finals were nearly done and we would kick off her downtime in style. We could spend days together, enjoying each other, at events all over town, in each other’s homes, before our friends and out in plain sight. She would call me her boyfriend, I thought, and the whole thing would just be electric.

I’d no longer feel awkward about wanting to have sex with her all the time, because we’d be closer and I could just totally ask. We’d go to art shows, concerts, and movies. We’d meet each other’s families and maybe we could forge that bond for ourselves.

I got to SoDo first, around 6 PM. I sat in my car, a dingy, beat-up golden Ford Focus, and set to my work. I cut loose the bouquet I had purchased, placing it carefully into the vase, and pouring in water from a bottle. With that all done, I went into the restaurant and asked the host to have it at our table, as they were relatively slow. 

I then drove over to the manor, and Valerie was inside, at the bar, drinking, I joined her, along with Thomas and his fiancee, Katarine. She was a shorter woman, with short, chin-height blond hair. We all sat at the bar chatting about SoDo, other restaurants in the area, and about my comedy show. Thomas thanked me for the invite, an odd gesture given that I was grateful that he attended and laughed at my jokes and stories. 

It was now nearly 7:15 PM, on our 7 PM reservation. We got into my car, Valerie and I, and scuttled off to the restaurant. A short drive and we had already arrived. We came in and Valerie said hello to a classmate, a much younger blonde girl in front of us along with her parents. They sat in the corner and we had a table along the wall, with stool seats. The restaurant was a small space, a sort-of L shaped room lined with tables all around the edges and a bar at the center. Valerie noticed the flowers immediately, their bright, zebra-striped pink contrasting sharply with the gray walls of the establishment. She thanked me for them vigorously as we picked through the menu to order.

I don’t recall what Valerie ordered - I believe it was some sort of fish entree, and I a chicken breast with wild rice. She had a glass of wine and I had a local IPA. Dinner arrived, and we enjoyed a few bites. We had joked about posting the night on Instagram, so I took a picture of her with her food, and quickly put away my phone.

Suddenly, time stood still.

“Listen, we should have a talk,” Valerie started, grabbing a hold of my hand.

“I really like you. You’re amazing, and I’ve had a lot of fun getting to know you better.”

“I see that Thomas invited you to the Christmas party at the house, and I just don’t want you to be hurt when you see me flirting with my friends.”

The night became a crystal-clear sequence of events now. I stopped eating, stopped poking at my plate, and might have dropped my fork if I hadn’t been as low to the plate as I was. My face immediately paralyzed, contorting into a massive frown as tears welled up within. 

This…this was not good.

This was not what I expected at all.

“It’s just that I don’t see us having long-term potential. Oh no, were you not there too?”

As a matter of fact, no, I wasn’t, Valerie.

This hurt, to the very core of my being. At this point in my life, she was the only thing I had. Our relationship was all I looked forward to. Seeing her, being with her, kissing her, hugging her, making love to her, and just being in love with her - it was everything and the only thing I had. It was being pulled from me.

This isn’t how this is supposed to work.

I love this woman, and she said she loves me. Love is a real thing, it’s permanent, and it means something. It means a hell of a lot more than this, this casual, nonchalant bomb-dropping.

But I couldn’t cry. I felt ambushed, here in this restaurant, flowers upon the table and love in my heart, and I could feel her fingers metaphorically grabbing around the tissue of my heart and squeezing. If she had been chanting ”kali-ma,” it might have fit in Indiana Jones. 

I couldn’t speak.

She stopped, and now she appeared shaken.

She asked me if I could express how I felt. I couldn’t. Words failed me completely.

I made my first, meager effort to express my feelings. “I wasn’t expecting this at all. This is a complete surprise to me. I thought things were going well, I was ready to ask you to be exclusive with me tonight.”

“It’s just, we don’t have the sexual tension I would want, you know?” She said this matter-of-factly, as if that was all I needed. She was getting both more short, and somewhat exasperated. She wanted to cry, and hell, she probably could if she wanted to. There was no stigma on that. Society tells me that I can’t be heartbroken like that, and at this moment, I wanted nothing more than to degenerate into snot and salty tears right in front of her.

But I didn’t.

“When did you decide that this was the case?” It wasn’t a great question, but it was all I had the composure to ask.

“I didn’t decide. I just knew.”

Ok, so the theme of her Immolatoria theme camp was apropos here. 

Fuck what you know.

But I couldn’t say it. This was a night where words failed me completely. I was out and abandoned by everything and everyone I cared about in this scenario.

She continued. 

“You know, it’s just, like, I need someone that really blows my mind. You’re amazing, and I want you involved in my shenanigans, but we just don’t have long-term potential.”

“I need to use the restroom,” I said, after chugging my beer.

I sat on the toilet and I couldn’t weep, but I managed to tweet and say the word fuck repeatedly.

I had envisioned many scenarios for this evening. This was not one of them.

She loved me! She had romantic intent for me! How the fuck did we end up here?

I slapped my face with a moist, washed hand, ready to gain enough composure to talk this through with her.

I went out to the table, and I sat down, asking to have my meal boxed. I certainly had no appetite for a meal now, or even life. I wish I could just be emotionally numb, but I had opened myself fully to this experience, and I was in massive, incredible emotional pain.

“It just seemed like you didn’t want more of my time,” was the next thing she said, and I don’t think I could have ever helped the jaw-dropping that occurred, even if the damn thing was wired shut.

“I…just thought you were at school, and busy, and I asked here and there because I didn’t want to be a pest.”

This response was not my best, but I noted a swirling anger was starting to build up in me, melding with the sorrow to form some kind of super-charged unhappiness the likes of which I had never felt, before or since. I loved this woman, still did, but fuck, she was sounding horrible. I could see she started to realize that, because as I opened my mouth to speak my next words, this happened.

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I’ll pay for dinner, and let’s go to the house.”

Really? 

REALLY?!

Oh, okay, you don’t want to hear my side. Fine. I don’t know what my side is, because right now, I’m a pendulum between absolute rage and heartbroken sadness. I don’t know how I feel at this point.

After the business of the check was done, me sitting, mouth agape in silence, we left. Her classmate pointed out that she had left her flowers.

She grabbed them, but maybe she didn’t need to.

After all, much like my happiness, they were doomed to die anyways.