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The Water Heater of Death (part 2)

After the hit post The Water Heater of Death (part 1) that was posted in the Washington Journal, we are proud to present the second installment of our presentation. We would like to thank the publishing company for allowing us to post excerpts from "The Water Heater of Death":

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I remember it like it was yesterday, this time from the distant future. I was in a dark basement on the third floor of a derelict building. I don't remember what month it was. Perhaps it wasn't even a month. But I remember that the time was about 15 minutes, and that from the large windows on every wall the absence of light flooded in and made the room look like a room that is not at all enlightened.

I touched the wall to my right trying desperately to find the switch. I run the palm of my hand a dozen times over the surface of the wall with gentle circular movements, each time trying to find spots I missed earlier in order to locate the position of the switch. An observer might assume that I was sexually pleasing the wall with my slow circular movements and my masturbation-scientific terminology. I finally found it and pressed. Seven and a half nanoseconds later the sun came up and illuminated the room.

The room was as big as a room. I looked carefully around and spotted the old bookshelves. It was a small but impressive set, made entirely from rare, holy wood. At its bottom were three small compartments, each the size of a Nike Air shoebox. I realized the tragic irony of the connection between the Nike shoes and wooden library: the reputation and commercial success of both was based on promotional advertising of people nailing it.

The locks of the compartments were made from an alloy of tin and potato salad, elaborately carved by the hands of an apparently experienced butcher. I scaned the room, trying to locate the hiding place of the key that would open the boxes. In the recess in the wall opposite me I saw a spot that was a very likely candidate, right beneath the sign "Here lies the hidden key". I was lucky: the key was there.

I took the key with a quick motion, because I didn't want to bore the future reader of this story with more useless and tedious details of how I got a simple fucking key. In the first box I found an array of weird mystical triangular books and ancient spells to cure erectile dysfunction. Then suddenly I finally found what I was looking for: a DAWN dishwashing liquid that my mother had asked me to get. I moved quickly towards the exit, pressed the switch, the sun setted, and I tried to make my exit.

I couldn't bring myself to leave. I felt a supernatural force calling me back into the room. A desire to be back in there; and it was so strong that no amount of logical thinking of my part could surpass it. I moved inside gracefully, like a waxed fire extinguisher rolling across an icy lake. I got the key out and tried the second box. Empty. I hovered over the third box and it was clear that it was trying to pull me in. I opened it gingerly. An intense, blinding light consumed me and blanketed the room. After the magestic flash I admired the contents of the box: it was the last thing I expected. A few inches away from me lay the head of Billy Ray Cyrus...

I placed the head carefully in the Cryogenic Storage Device that I always carry around with me and rushed out of the room. And at that special moment, I knew that soon the conditions would be ideal. Soon, Mars would be aligned with Venus and the moon would be red and Katie Holmes would inevitably clip her toenails and then... the Brilliant Ceremony could take place. Then, dear reader, and ONLY then, I could make the holy Talisman out of the left ear of Billy Ray Cyrus. The talisman that will give me the Power Primordial - the only power that can defeat... THE WATER HEATER OF DEATH!

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Join us tomorrow, for our last installment of the magnificent saga.

[attackofthequasars-blog]

The Water Heater of Death (part 1)

(This is a translation of the masterpiece Ο θερμοσίφωνας του θανάτου by the multi-talented George Margaritis. It was requested by Summy from paintingelephantofbeingawesome and I just couldn't say no.)

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Immersed in silence, surrounded by beautiful green meadows, the house seemed ideal. For the first time in her life, Isabella finally felt secure. The quiet farm was at least two centuries old, but the years had not left the slightest mark on it. The owners loved the farm and had renovated all the rooms. In all these years, only few additions were made and all of them were negligible. All except... the water heater in the basement that was added about fifteen years ago.

Three mysterious murders remain unsolved for more than fifteen years. The astute, racist inspector Beidempei and his two-digit IQ assistant Tony take charge in this masterful novel!

Also contains: dangerous street gangs, vows of revenge, a strange ciphered letter, a rotten cheese pie and the Mystical Lodge of Spyros Bibilas. Explosive action, brilliant dialogues, breathtaking action and a very sinister water heater that offers blood baths. The master of surrealistic modern crime fiction, Thanassis Grass, is back!.

Five short years after his first book, the highly successful autobiography: "The Prince of Crime novels" Thanassis Grass returns with his first crime novel.

"The Water Heater Of Death", a masterful novel that is the first volume of his upcoming trilogy of Deadly Water Heaters ("The Water Heater Of Death", "The Water Heater of Incestious Sodomy" and "The Water Heater Was Left ON and then the bill arrived") will not let you sleep at night...

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Join us for Part 2: Excerpts from the original manuscript by Mr. Thanassis Grass and Part 3: Read quotes from famous people who have had the honour of reading that fantastic masterpiece!