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i remember feeling fat

I remember being 4 and 5 years old and looking down at myself in the bathtub and thinking I was fat.

I remember being in 2nd grade and looking down at myself (in my too tight school uniform because we were too poor to get a new one) and feeling fat.

I remember being 10 and being the first one in my class to get boobs (and i felt so so fat.)

I remember being 13 and getting my 1st period (and new braces, and pimples, and a really bad haircut) and feeling fat.

I remember being in love with the cutest boy in class and finding out that he was in love with the skinniest and prettiest girl in class (and i felt fat again.)

I remember being 14 and starting High School and not knowing anyone and hearing all the other girls talk about sex and cheerleading and how fat they all were (even though they really weren’t) and I thought, “wow, if they think that they are fat then i must be REALLY fat.”

I remember being 15 and going to another High School and making only one friend who of course had curly red hair and sparkling smile and a great outgoing personality and all the boys loved her and didn’t even look at me me (and oh, there’s that fat feeling.)

I remember the summer before i turned 16 when I was in love with another boy who toyed with me, and cheated on his girlfriend with me, which i thought was his proof that he really wanted to be with me (and i let him kiss me and touch me all over because for the first time in my life my pants were falling off of me and i felt kinda pretty (even though i still felt kinda fat.)

I remember being 16 and starting yet another new school and finding out from my doctor that the reason i was so skinny was because i was sick and they had to fix it and fixing it meant i would gain all that weight back which meant that i would be fat again (even though i had never really felt skinny.)

I remember being at junior prom and looking up at my best friend and realizing i was so in love with him and when he looked back i got nervous and paranoid and had to run to the bathroom to make sure that I still looked ok.

I remember being 17 and watching him date a tiny wisp of a girl instead of me.

I remember taking thyroid pills which made me go from 124 to 140 in less than 2 months and there was nothing i could do about it.

I remember starting college and not having time to eat right and just grabbing fast food whenever i could and gaining 15 lbs and being bigger than any of my friends.

I remember being proud of who i was and refused to diet bc I’d rather be fat and happy then thin and deprived (but i still felt fat.)

I remember starting a ballet class and looking around and seeing all the willowy waify girls with their slender backs and upper arms and long limbs and i was so short and squat with thick muscular legs and i thought “i’ll never be like that, why should i even bother to try” and i ate for comfort and gained even more weight and felt even more fat.

I remember summer came and i lost all the weight because there were too many other fun things to do besides eat and I went down to 143 and i thought i looked damn good and my pants started to fall off me again and my mother said i looked good but “5 more lbs and you’ll be perfect.”

I remember meeting a boy. A perfect boy (even though he plays too many video games and watches too many cartoons.) I remember falling in love with this new guy for the first time since that not-so-fateful prom night back in junior year.

I remember having sex for the first time and being on top and praying that i wasn’t crushing him.

I remember him telling me he loved me and looking at me like i was the most beautiful girl in the whole world.

I remember being terrified of getting pregnant and having to go on birth control.

I remember not realizing i was gaining weight until one day i couldn’t put my jeans on and i got on the scale and it said 161.

I remember my mother telling me that i was starting to look like “a fat girl.”

I remember having to drive my boyfriend to live with his parents 60 miles away and not knowing if he was going to come back home eventually or if i had to go there just to be with him and i remember the long drive back without him and me crying all the way home and stopping at a McDonald’s in a service station and eating two double cheeseburgers and fries and super-sizing it then feeling too full and too fat.

I remember coming home to my grandma’s and she told me that she would help me do weight watchers and that i’ll probably lose all the weight really quickly.

I remember losing only 6 lbs.

I remember giving up because my doctor told me it would be really hard for me to lose the weight due to that fucking birth control!

I remember the day my boyfriend proposed to me and my mom took pictures and when i saw them all i could think of was how fat my legs looked in my sundress.

I remember being ashamed because my fiance had a six pack and i didn’t.

I remember hating the fact that he was 35 lbs lighter than me.

I remember hating the fact that i wasn’t comfortable with him picking me up (even though he is strong and could do it easily.)

I remember the day i moved in with him and i was on my feet all day and i remember how my feet hurt and when i told my mom, she said it was because i was too heavy.

I remember standing in my bathroom, straightening my hair and my calves started tingling and i told my doctor and she told me it was because i was too heavy.

I remember being at a funeral and my cousin told me “you have such a pretty face. It doesn’t matter that you’re a little overweight.”

I remember trying on a wedding dress and having it zip up on the first try and i didn’t have to struggle at all and i felt so happy.

I remember finding out that it was a size 16 and i felt so fat.

I remember looking in the mirror and thinking i looked really good because it covered so much of me up.

I remember my grandmother telling me i looked good (except for my back and arms.)

I remember wishing i had a prominent collarbone like the skinny bride-to-be in the next dressing room.

I remember my mother telling me that she would get that weight off of me “if she had to beat it off.”

I remember getting on my scale 2 weeks later and being shocked that it said 169. (I remember thinking I was fat at 124.)

I remember looking at old pictures of myself and saying “wow, i wasn’t really fat at all.”

I remember getting married and wearing a corset underneath that squeezed me so tight i felt like i would faint.

I remember gaining and losing the same 15 lbs over and over again, never going below 160.

I remember getting pregnant.

I remember gaining 30 lbs in 30 weeks (which is pretty darn good) but then developing pre-eclampsia in the last week and gaining 15 lbs of so much water that i could press on my legs and the dent would stay.

I remember being 215 lbs on the night of my c-section.

I remember not even being able to move (but barely, since i was so high on magnesium.)

I remember losing 30 lbs within the first three weeks and being so proud of myself, but then it stopped and i didn’t lose another pound after that, even with the breastfeeding.

I remember when my son was five months old, I looked in my closet and saw all the clothes i couldn’t fit into anymore. I put on the only jeans i owned that I could button and saw my stretchmarked stomach hanging over the top of them. I cried as i pulled on a pair of maternity pants.

I remember 4 months ago when I started a new thyroid pill that is truly a miracle. I lost 15 lbs in the first month. My hourglass figure is back, but i still have 20 to go. and then another 20 after that.

I hate dieting but i hate eating, looking forward to it and dreading it at the same time.

I cry to my husband that i feel fat. Before he would tell me that I’m perfect and beautiful and he loves me so much and he doesn’t want to see me unhappy, now he tells me, “well, work out.”

I should celebrate my body. I carried a human being! I had a difficult delivery and we came out healthy and happy and whole. I should be proud of what i have done and it shouldn’t matter what I look like. and i will do it all over again (and maybe even again after that.)

I’ve never been able to get into a bikini and it seems like I’ll still never be able to, so I should get used to it. and celebrate my body! with a piece of cake.

#GPOY #self esteem #my life #fat girl problems

#GPOY #fat girl problems #my life #self esteem #MaryMoo