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Math, Confidence, and Me

So I was talking to kiddo while they were doing their math homework and the fact I struggle with basic math is quite well known in my house.

As an adult I know I have Dyscalculia that was not treated or accounted for which is why I was often in gifted programs and getting straight A’s in my humanities classes and simultaneously failing math. (I also got B’s in science because I could understand all the concepts but couldn’t do the required maths)

But I tried to explain to Kiddo today the concept of “timed tests” in math and why I’m glad they don’t have to do them.

For non-Americans timed tests were tests you take weekly throughout elementary school (ages 6-11 at my school) where you are given 100 math problems and told to solve as many as possible in a minute. At my school you’d then have to stand up according to how many you got right starting with 100-90 down to 0-10. If you were in the bottom enough times you’d be publicly sent to “remedial math”

For someone like me it was impossible to do well.

It was humiliating and demoralising and did absolutely nothing to teach me how to do the math.

In fact often I could do these basic problems provided I was given enough time to actually do them.

My first panic attacks are directly linked to these weekly tests.

I told my kid about this because they had a similar sheet of maths in their homework this week and I had a visceral reaction to it. They informed me that they were given the option to time themselves but that they were told to try and do it in 10 minutes but that they didn’t have to time themselves.

By talking about how my elementary school taught me math compared to kiddo’s school I realised that while I am textbook Dyscalculia when it comes to very basic math a huge problem with it is just confidence. I had all confidence I could knocked out of me in elementary school so my knee jerk “I can’t do it” is at least 50% that.

I mean realistically I know I’ll never be able to do high school math but basics....I could learn the basics.

Oh I mean I know how to add and subtract and do the easy multiplication tables and I know how to divide...but I have gaps. Really bad gaps in my knowledge because my anxiety about math has reached such heights that I fucking run from it.

And really why should I let the adults who bullied me and made me feel useless and stupid as a child win?

So I mentioned how maybe I should find a way to learn the basics. Find a place that teaches it or an online course or something and my kid..my 8 year old STAR of a child got up off the couch and stood in front of me and held out their hand and said:

“I’ll help you if you want”

and that hit me in my gut and let me tell you I took that hand and shook it and said thank you.

Just the fact that they offered because they know they don’t struggle with it and that they are already ahead of me when it comes to math (I can’t help them with their homework) and they aren’t embarrassed or ashamed of me...

They just want to help me.

That means so much and I don’t set new years resolutions but goddamnit I’m setting this one. I’m going to try and learn how to fill those gaps in my basic math education. I am going to prove to myself that I can do this.

It’s not about needing it for outside reasons. I need to do this for myself because I finally am at a point where I can be fair to myself and recognise there are things I will be able to do if I try.

Even in maths.

#dyscalculia #learning difficulties #the american education system #life goals #math quest