#maybe will delete

[rogerzsteven]

Eek look at this color

[shu-bullshit]

HOW TO DRAW DAVE GAHAN™

“ A useful tutorial.”–says me

And a bald Dave for your entertainment (if anybody would really want to do that)

[bettsfic]

personal post under the cut!! because i have Feelings and nowhere else for them to go!!

99% sure my present crush is unrequited (or at least, totally unfeasible) and i am going to have to Get Over It and i’m just so sad. i haven’t liked anyone like this since 2013. like for real-real “oh shit we could be good together for like, a long time”

i know i shouldn’t go from “your crush doesn’t like you back because sometimes there’s not the kind of connection you think there is” OR “they do like you back but you fall in love 0 to 100 and most people aren’t like that and your eagerness kind of freaks them out so maybe tone it down” to “you are fundamentally unworthy of love and you will die alone” [jaskier voice] and yet here we are

i’m trying to remind myself that you don’t always have to want things from people, it’s okay to just appreciate knowing them and enjoy the feelings they conjure in you, without acting on them or pushing them

since it’s been so long since i’ve had a proper crush and i can now see it through post-therapy eyes, i’ve definitely learned a lot about myself, namely that romantic love is actually very important to me, and if i go a lifetime without it, it’ll feel like something is missing. unlike sex, which i am truly ambivalent about. this really firmly answers the “am i aro” question i’ve had for a long time, and that answer is no.

i’m finally home and my grandma is going through some kind of major trauma event where she’s hoarding food in the spare room and organizing it by expiration date, fixating on eating almost-expired food, and every time i see her she begins listing every food item in the entire house along with the expiration dates, which she has memorized

yesterday i was trying to focus on adding stuff to our online grocery order and she just wouldn’t stop listing food and i had to cover my ears and beg her to stop for just a few minutes so i could finish the grocery order

she’s buying food she knows she won’t eat, just because she noticed the grocery was out of it. has never once in her life eaten frozen pineapple but bought a five pound bag of it just because the freezer aisle looked a little empty. a huge thing of baby wipes even though we don’t have a baby. big jar of pizza sauce for absolutely no reason. when i asked her what she planned to eat it with, she said “you could put it on bread or something” and i said “but do you like that? does that sound good to you?” and she said no but she bought it anyway “just in case”

she spent all day demanding i put food on the grocery order, and when i finally did, she got on me for buying food for meals “when we have plenty” but i tried to explain i don’t want to eat a bunch of expired boxed and canned food for meals, and she was APPALLED, like how dare we try to live normally when clearly we should be living and eating like we’re in a bomb shelter

i’ve been gone for 7 weeks and in that time she has not bought a single fresh fruit or vegetable

i shouldn’t have left the residency. i was happy there. i had friends and we hung out every other night and made food for each other. i was in a town where no one had tested positive and the groceries were well-stocked. we had a makeshift movie theater in my apartment. and i left because i was worried about my grandma, and now that i’m home i realize my presence is not really helping her anyway, and i am so far out of my depth.

i’ve been thinking a lot about self-neglect and the way everything i do exists to fuel my writing and how that’s not a particularly balanced way of living.

more specifically i’m thinking about how before i became a teacher i was still a teacher you know? like i didn’t have a job teaching or a classroom or a subject, but my personality was still very much a teacher. it’s in my genes. there’s no avoiding it. and so that whole part of me came out in inappropriate ways because it couldn’t be helped. i was didactic and pedantic and i lectured people when i had no authority. and as soon as i was put in front of a classroom with a syllabus and students, it was like, i finally had a place to put all that energy.

and i was a writer before i wrote, too. i journaled obsessively starting at 14, and the entire time i wasn’t writing i was denying myself that energy that needed to go to Making Stuff. and when i started writing, that excess creative energy had a place to go.

so i just wonder, what kinds of energy are misplaced? i think maybe i’m a mom without children, and that’s why i’m so inclined toward caretaking even when it’s not appropriate. and i’m a wife with no spouse. an athlete who doesn’t train. a chef who doesn’t cook. i deny myself all these things so i can put all that energy into the writing box, when really i need love and family and exercise and nutrition. 

two friends gave me tarot readings last week. FOUR of the cards were the same across both readings. the sun, the hanged man, nine of pentacles, ten of swords. it just seems clear to me the universe is trying to tell me something and i am trying so hard to listen but i don’t feel like i have the tools to fix anything right now. 

it almost doesn’t matter; everything is on a path. unless universities close for fall semester, i’m moving to mississippi in august and my whole life is gonna be different anyway.

okay!! that’s all!! intermission over. gonna go back to thirstposting geralt of rivia again

[blushingcurrently]

slutty trans boys in slutty skimpy tops <33 (he/him-- I'm drunk yippee did u know that)

[faeiyn-cant-write]

me, setting a boundary bc of my disabilities: former friend: pushing you to go against that boundary bc my disabilities don't act like that so yours shouldn't either isn't ableist

[gobs-archive]

Reminder: there is a major difference between giving criticism about a character, and saying they suck without any justification

I was on reddit and asked for opinions for certain characters. Someone commented that one of the characters I mentioned is 'boring and dumb", and then I went and said they shouldn't be rude about it because there are others who like the character and what I received was 'I will apologize to a fictional character immediately'

Blocked.

Maybe it was sensitive of me, but it's not worth my time if I get a smart-ass comment when trying to have a polite debate.

I should probably stay away from that site for at least a while.

[gourmetmilfs]

I drew this :)

[talkingwithstraykids]

decided to post these, cause why not