#mbe mbhele

[mbembhele]

Ngahamba ekhaya ngimncane ngazi inhlonipho, ngabuya sengigugile ngazi inhluphekho.

Nyembezi zami zigcwele uthuli, zihlathi zami ziphihlika udaka.

Impilo yami? Ucwephe lephepha, ngine mfundo yeminyaknyaka kepha ulwazi lami luncane luyateketa. Ngilalele ngendlebe kwaze kwakhanya ilanga kanti kwakufanele ngilalele ngenhliziyo.

izandla zes'khathi azisafinyeleli umphefumulo udukile, indonga zidume kwazwakala, noma ngihleka kuvela ubala, sewasapa ezinkambeni amazinyo indoda.

Imizwa yami? ididekele, ime ndawonye ibindekile. ukube ngangazile ngabe ngavuma ukuba ingane kubaba kodwa ngakhetha ukuba ingane yezizwe.

ngakhetha inyuvesi ngafunda; yakhononda imizwa yakhihla es'kaShaka.

Sengihlala ngiyotyiwe, ngonyiwe, amanzi awasazigezi izithende zami, umphimbo wam', amakhala ami, amaphaphu ami, amaphupho ami, impuphu ekhaya, kugoqana unwele, esolwathamba ekwephuphu linethile.

Noma likhipha umkhov' etsheni kweyami inhliziyo likhithikile. ngigula okwangempela, kaze ngiyolitholaphi ikhambi? mhlawumbe ebhodleni, nginekeni ushevu - ngiphile. nginiken' ikhambi - ngife.

esami isono ngiyasazi, ukugijimisa ulwazi kodwa iqiniso ngalishiya ekhaya. mama, mama, uqinisile uqinisile, ngezenzo zami ngikubulale usaphila.

kungaphela izinkulungwane zeminyaka, ihlazo lami linomsindo okweqaqa. unembeza wami soze walifihla. noma izandla zeskhathi zingathi umzimba wami aw'mbozwe inhlabathi, ngizolivuma icala lam'.

[mbembhele]

quite honestly i do not have a need to reinvent myself, there is something suspicious about that concept. it supposes that my reinvention has to be inline with the demands of the industry and i have no interest in bending to the desires of the industry. so i do not really care what people are writing about these days, i do not care what they are watching or what should be enjoyed. i just want to be comfortable and do what makes me happy or sad without being pressured. if that comes at the expense of becoming invisible, irrelevant and outdated bring it all out, that for me is the hill i am willing to die on.

[mbembhele]

when making art i try to have fun as much as i possibly can & that frees me in a way. it releases me from having to perform even when i don’t want to. it allows me 

1. to say no, 

2. to be without anxiety around the quality of my work

3. to experiment

4. to be true to myself

5. to express without constraints  

[mbembhele]

The body always knows. Perhaps that is why I was not shocked when my sister came running to tell me that father had woken up from the dead. Many do not listen when the body speaks, my sister too. That is why she was crying, trembling and not knowing what to do. So I held her by the hand, felt the warm blood of her palms, gushing behind her confused flesh. ‘Do not worry sister’ I said softly to her, then we walked together slowly towards the house where the silence of bereavement had turned into loud whispers of puzzlement. When we walked in the mourners made way, perhaps for me or maybe the calmness in my eyes, but they made way.

There at the corner of the room my father lay, eyes wide open.

[mbembhele]

when my children ask,

father what happened?

i will tell them that i bumped into art, dented forever

to my son i will say: i read too much literature

if i ever do have daughters i will look at them, smile then say

do not listen to jazz

[mbembhele]

it is honestly not that complicated, 

this art thing is about keeping your head down and actually doing the work.

[mbembhele]

i thought i had ran away, screaming, eyes closed. i opened them and looked up, the colour of the sky had not changed. still blue, even behind those black clouds the sky maintained its colour. blue.

[mbembhele]

mud all over my shoes

heels are heavy

feet refuse to carry me

sun bent on burning me

eyes gorged, no longer see no longer seen

throat dry, lips dry, the world is closing in

who will follow me; lead me

when my mind is escaping me

time still but anguish moves rapidly.