haven’t been listening to mbmbam in a while so I can’t comment on whether the best ad read award is deserved based on their current output, so I choose to believe it’s retroactively rewarding all of griffin’s jingles for extreme restraints dot com
This is every time I could find that any of the boys said they died. Sorry if the audio isn’t the greatest, I had to compress it.
Transcript under the cut because it is very long
[Audio Description: A supercut of every time the Tres Horny Boys and the McElroys say they die, whether in a goof or for real, in The Adventure Zone
Griffin: Maybe the three of you will die, I don’t know
Travis: It kills you!
Griffin: It kills you, you die
Taako: I’m dying. [Laughter, all but Justin]
Taako: I’m literally dead.
Griffin: She kills you instantly. No.
Magnus: He’s going to kill us!
Director: He’s going to murder the three of you. [chuckling]
Director: Thank you for your service, goodbye.
Travis: Magnus’ neck breaks and he dies.
Griffin: Oh, a minus one. Then you die. [laughter] God, Travis, if only you— in trying to discern his fanciness, your nose just starts bleeding, and you fall over and—
Clint: You’re fancied to death.
Griffin: The train de-rails, and everyone on board dies. Three ghosts appear and strangle all three of you to death.
Travis: [providing sound effects, makes a “ka-chunk” noise and breathy exhale]
Griffin: [laughing] …And it depressurizes and you die, I guess?
Justin: I die. I die in fiction.
Griffin: [exhausted inhale] And, I’m dead.
Clint: Uhm… Uh, let’s see. You said 21? I’m, uh, 2 points dead.
Justin: Oh, I’m negative 5, baby. I’m dead as disco.
Griffin: Uh, the three of you walk into, uh, this room singing, uh, showtunes, uh, and everyone inside this building looks at you and kills you. No.
Justin: If you don’t use a character voice, you lose a hit point.
Travis: [laughs]
Clint: Okay.
Travis: You die.
Griffin: You run up, tear the box open and it explodes, you die.
Griffin: Okay. Yeah, this needle, first of all, passes through your suit-
Travis: And you die!
Griffin: It digests it and shits it out. And the shitty axe comes out and kills you.
Travis: Merle's dead. He bled out.
Clint: I'm dead, right?
Griffin: And— he died between episodes.
Griffin: And you are launched out of the cannon, and, yeah, it’s been a while since you’ve done this.
Travis: And he forgot to open the door.
Griffin: And you die and that’s the end of The Adventure Zone
Griffin: The clock tower snaps at its midsection as it chimes its twelfth chime, and it falls over into that large two-story manor at the end of the street with a loud crash. And the ground, as quickly as it expanded, it just falls out beneath your feet. And you’re falling. And you’re burning. And you’re being crushed by the shattered earth as it compresses down into the ground. And you hear an anguished scream come from something massive and furious, and all three of you have died.
Justin: I pull out a gun and shoot the two of them and shoot myself.
[Riotous laughter]
Clint: [Sing-song] Reboot!
Justin: Starting again.
Griffin: and then just like that, the ground compresses. And it pulls you down in with it, killing you, Magnus, and killing you, Taako, pretty quickly. Merle, you are also subject to this catastrophe, although right before it happens, those rocks— before Cassidy can do whatever she was doing to them, they get blasted out by a wave of force, like buckshot from a shotgun as the ground pulls you under. You are burned. And you are crushed. And you are dead.
Griffin: You pull on the lever to this locker and all three of you hear a horrible sound that lasts, like, a split second. And the sound is like, [explosion noise] and it was actually the sound of this room more or less exploding.
Griffin: And all three of you have died.
Travis: I’m gonna open E next.
Griffin: Boom! The room explodes.
Justin: Can we just stroll on through?
Griffin: Yeah, sure.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: It explodes and you die. No, I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding.
Clint: I take the meat and the ice.
Justin: Thank god.
Travis: It explodes!
Griffin: Because all three of you are almost instantly devoured by something as soon as you leave the light.
Griffin: I mean canonically, Magnus did say it, so you do have a trip to heaven
Travis: I cut the black wire.
Griffin: [Singing] To heaven we’re going on a trip together
Travis: I use Railsplitter to cut all five wires at once. [Clint laughs]
Griffin: [Giggling] You’re in heaven.
Griffin: All of you hold hands as both the flame and the purple worm burst through the bubble. The forcefield ultimately giving up the ghost and the room is flooded with fire and you are destroyed by a blast of nearly supersonic force and the last thing you hear is a scream of unbridled fury and you do not live long enough to hear the twelfth chime of the clock above you.
Griffin: I think the cave just collapses on all of you and Luca, and you get crushed by rocks.
Istus: You're going to be amazing.
Griffin: And then the building comes down.
Griffin: It reaches out and taps you on the forehead, and as soon as it does, your vision kind of goes dark.
Travis: And Magnus is dead.
Griffin: And Magnus dies and that's it. Thanks for listening, everybody! And now it's on to the next— no.
Griffin: [disgusted sounds] Oh come on, I’m in hell!
Griffin: But you also see a tear in the fabric of space, and it looks familiar. Because you saw something similar to that during your time in Lucas’ lab. It is a rift open to the astral plane where the souls of the deceased go after their death in the material plane. And you are drifting into it, Magnus. Because you’re dying.
Clint: I’m dead. I’ve just been killed. I’m as dead as dead can be.
Justin: I just killed somebody while I’m dead, what’s up!
Justin: You did die.
Clint: Yeah can we point out—
Justin: I mean, I don’t wanna get technical about it, but you... you are dead.
Clint: Yeah, your body got destroyed, so you’re dead!
Justin: You’re dead!
Clint: I’m sorry,
Taako: But I’m gonna need Magnus’s blood. He died, and we would just really like something to remember him by.
Griffin: You’re killed by a Yeti.
Travis: Yeah, I’m gonna die.
Griffin: They just—they just tear you apart. They just fucking destroy you.
Griffin: But, eventually like, you're left behind and you only, sort of, outlast the Hunger for so long before you are killed.
Travis: Oh, I’ll die then. That's fine.
Griffin: And so, I guess from the point of view of the rest of your party, who like, take some time, like this has happened a few times now, and it’s tough every time, like you're dead.
Griffin: She literally finds another gun and, like, does it—
Lup: Count the shells! gratatatatata…
Taako: Oh! I’m dying.
Griffin: Based on the rules of the game, Dad… you die. [Travis starts laughing] You tried to put some googly-eyes on a shell and the shell broke and it cut— It cut you to ribbons. And you died.
Griffin: And he extends his hand, palm first, and you see this sort of black fire surround his hand and you feel this incredible pain as black fire spreads throughout your body from your insides out, just killing you in a second.
Griffin: And he kills you. [This is repeated three more times]
Griffin: You take a step. And freeze. And I don’t just mean like, you stop moving? You feel something seize up within you as the dust that you breathed in as you’ve been in this chamber instantly calcifies and spreads throughout your body in the blink of an eye. And you are gone. And the rest of you look over and you just see a Magnus Burnsides statue made of this same white limestone as the walls surrounding you. Just frozen in place.
Travis: Well, see you all next cycle! [hums the Mario Bro’s game over tune] [laughter]
Griffin: And all of you feel it now. Just for a moment something… something hard just emerges from within you and you are instantly frozen, your shapes frozen atop the dais just lifeless, carved in stone.
Justin: Well, I… put my hand in it, I guess.
Griffin: You’re killed instant— no.
Justin: Then that’s going to do it for the Adventure Zone, we hope you’ve enjoyed this rich tapestry we’ve woven. Sorry I- boned it there at the end.
Griffin: Um, I don’t really have the same offer for Magnus that I did for Taako and Merle, I just have a question, which is, how does Magnus die? [long pause]
Travis: [emotional] You know… I kinda envisioned him from the beginning as like, a guy who was looking for a cause worth dying for, and I’ve always kinda envisioned this like, big Blaze Of Glory moment, and then, somewhere along the lines, he became… I realized that he had found something worth living for, and the relationship between Taako and Merle and all of his friends and stuff and what he was doing, started to trump that, became more important. I wanted him to live, I wanted him to survive. And so, if you had have asked me three years ago when we started, I would’ve said he died epically in battle.
Griffin: He got eaten by a dragon that he tried to fight by himself. [crosstalk]
Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, something like that. But now, I actually think he dies peacefully of old age. Um. [voice trembling] Calmly, and holding in his hand his wife’s wedding ring. That’s how Magnus dies.
Griffin: And other folks are there too, this is just, like- Taako and Merle are there too, that’s just how dwarf and elf age work, you got old before they did, and they’re there too, and they’re with you, and Lucretia is there with you, and she is much, much older, I think she is sitting in a chair at your side. Carey and Killian are there, and Carey is holding your hand in hers and she’s smiling, and she’s just saying,
Carey: It’s okay, bud. It’s okay.
Griffin: And Davenport is there, and he’s at the foot of your bed, just smiling warmly, and he places a hand gently on your leg. And Angus is there, and he’s all grown up! And, he is… He’s so upset, but he’s trying to force a smile for you, Magnus. Barry and Lup are both there, and they look so happy for you, they are this force of reassurance, all of your friends that you have known for over a century, who’ve been with you, and have loved you for so long are all with you. They’re all ready to say goodbye. You are surrounded by friends as things get hazier and hazier in a way you’re kind of familiar with. And then, in a flash, the world is clear, and there’s Kravitz. And he looks like Kravitz, he’s not in his reaper form, but nobody else seems to see him in this moment, and he reaches out his hand and takes yours, and he helps you to your feet, and he says,
Kravitz: My friend, I think this one’s gonna take.
Magnus: Well, let’s hope so for your sake, I don’t want you getting in trouble with the boss. /end of audio description]
Griffin trying to make a reasonable adventure for his players that have already defeated the boss of the multiverse and have an extremely overpowered sword that was only meant to be a joke is honestly hilarious.
