#mcsweeneys

[dispatchesfromtheclasswar]

AI Economics for Dummies

“Xavier owns an apartment that he rents out at a loss of $1 billion/month. Seeing this success, he decides to make financial commitments to

[tilbageidanmark]

It’s decorative gourd season, Sigourdney Weaver!

(76 years old today)...

[seawallblvd]

[el-ffej]

Hi, It’s Me, Wikipedia, and I Am Ready for Your Apology

“Wikipedia, the constantly changing knowledge base created by a global free-for-all of anonymous users, now stands as the leading force for

A very funny anti-ChatGPT, anti-AI column. (It's short.)

[brightlotusmoon]

The Louvre Is Thrilled to Announce It Is Rebranding to “UVR” - McSweeney’s Internet Tendency

The Louvre Is Thrilled to Announce It Is Rebranding to “UVR”

“X is the future state of unlimited interactivity—centered in audio, video, messaging, payments/banking—creating a global marketplace for id

If there’s one thing we’ve concluded from the millions of visitors who pass through our doors every year, it’s that art is passé. Art is stale in an age of content—unlimited content you can hardwire to your cerebellum with maximum connectivity, allowing you to upload videos with your smart shoe, get a crappier version of the cable television you cut the cord on years ago, and watch reality shows transpire in real-time in reality with no scripts, no actors, no directors, no cameras, no crews, no catering, and no pesky union wages that make it impossible to hoard all the profit for yourself for work someone else did.

You see, in the future of tomorrow’s today, we’re visioneering. You can do banking with a flicker of your eye, communicate with your dead loved ones with incoherent AI that regurgitates gibberish that sounds nothing like them, and record audio with your mind before it’s swiftly forgotten unless you order our memory-enhancement supplements—be sure to sign up for a subscription, fam, for the best deal and assurance you’ll never run out, lest all your cherished memories be erased. Memories are content, and content is here for its coronation, baby. After all, we once hosted French kings, so we’re an authority in telling you there’s a new king in town, and that king is content, beautiful, sweet, sweet content—oh, content, my love, how I long for thee, how my aching loins quiver for thy sweet embrace.

[infinitemonkeytheory]

Template for White People Outraged Over Lizzo Playing James Madison’s Flute

“Pop star Lizzo this week got the opportunity to play a 200-year-old crystal flute that was once owned by President James Madison—and some c

I can’t believe they let Lizzo [play a flute owned by James Madison / twerk even though she’s not skinny / continue to exist as a Black woman].

I found this event [triggering / in violation of my need to only ever see thin white women on my timeline]. As someone who spends a fair bit of time yammering on about our nation’s heritage, it deeply offends me that [Lizzo seems to care about our nation’s heritage / a Black woman is now the Librarian of Congress].

Clearly this horrible event was a form of racial retribution. I know this because I believe life is a zero-sum game where [there are only winners and losers / only white people should put their lips on white people flutes / Lizzo should be as sad and lonely as my white nationalist substack subscribers].

Some people saw Lizzo playing James Madison’s flute and thought, Gee, what a nice thing that any normal person can enjoy. But this is the wrong reaction. Whenever anything happens in the world involving a prominent Black person, the correct thing to do is [immediately make it about myself / have a knee-jerk reaction I will never honestly explore / interpret it through my precious and lucrative lens of white grievance].

I don’t care if Lizzo is a [classically trained musician / popular and beloved artist / cultural icon]. Those things don’t matter to me, because when I look at Lizzo perform, all I can ever see is her [skin color / gender / body size], the three things that matter most to me when I judge a woman.

Speaking of which, what is a woman? Having given this question an unhealthy and inappropriate amount of thought, a woman is someone who should be [a virgin until she is married to a man / forced to give birth against her will / white if aquatic]. A woman is not someone who should [feel entitled to dress the way they want / dance the way they want / behave in ways that don’t please me personally].

I am absolutely qualified to make judgments on Lizzo’s performance, musical talent, and clothing choices because my only talent is [whining about white victimhood / obsessing about trans kids / podcasting about the scientific validity of Black mermaids].

James Madison is one of our most venerated forefathers, and in my anger over this Lizzo abomination, I’ve never once stopped to consider that President Madison [owned slaves / believed women didn’t deserve the right to vote / never once played his crystal flute]. And now that I’ve learned about the existence of this crystal flute, it seems very important to me that it should remain hidden away, just like [women who don’t conform to a Barbie standard of beauty / honest historical accounts about slavery and its enduring legacy / the truth behind my knee-jerk disgust response to Lizzo].

There are those who might take this event as an opportunity to celebrate the fact that Lizzo [actually cares about American history enough to tour the Library of Congress / is bringing welcome attention to the Library of Congress’s collection / is a multitalented artist and musician using her fame and powers for the good]. Me? I’m taking this opportunity to [embarrass myself, yet again, on Twitter / expose myself, yet again, as a petty and pathetic human being / enrich myself, yet again, off the dollars of people who still believe Trump “drained the swamp”].

At her Washington DC concert, Lizzo thanked the Library of Congress for preserving our history. She sparked international interest in its archival collection and inspired band kids everywhere to play their instruments with pride. What a sad episode for anyone who cares about this country. In fact, I feel quite ill. In a minute, I’m going to need [some smelling salts / to write yet another think piece about the catastrophe of wokeness / my comfort Confederate flag].

The Library of Congress should never allow someone like Lizzo to touch their archival instruments again. And that’s because [these instruments, which I’ve never given a thought to before today, are very important to me / Lizzo living her best life is something that makes me really mad / when I talk about our “heritage,” this is just code for “white people”].

[luisprada]

My Writing Portfolio

I’ve written a lot of stuff for a lot of outlets. Here are my favorites; the ones that really show off what I’m capable of. I’ve added some context for a few of them. I’m looking for a full-time writing job. Does your video game need a writer? Hire me! Does your TV series writer’s room need a new writer? Hire me! Want to give me a book deal? Sign me up! Does your website need an editor/writer in a full-time salaried position? Hire me! You can DM me here, or find me on Twitter @Luis_Prada. My email is [email protected]. 

Cracked - I wrote for Cracked on and off for over 15 years. Eventually, I became a columnist and a member of the columns editorial team. I wrote hundreds of articles and wrote a few video scripts. 

3 Recipes For The Perfect Last Minute Mother's Day Brunch - Don’t let the title mislead you. This was the first time Cracked let me write an article that was pure fiction disguised as a helpful, fact-based recipe article. If you like this, I have a whole podcast that’s basically this article in audio form. Links at the bottom of this post!

10 Very Dumb Questions You Should Answer Right Now - This is part 1 of a survey of the Cracked readership. Part two, below, is where it gets fun. Posting this one for full context.

10 Dumb Questions I Asked You Guys (And Your Dumb Answers) -- And here’s Part 2! Never got to do this survey again for another column but of everything I’ve ever written, it’s one of the ones I’m most proud of.  Amazon Thinks I'm Some Sort Of Serial Killer In Training

This Article Will Explode In 5 Points

The Hoax You Didn't Realize Dominated The 80s - The Cracked article I’m most proud of. 

The Most Weirdly Specific, Lazy Spam Email I Ever Received How I Tried (And Failed) To Stop Snoring With A Didgeridoo Why Don't We Have Flying Cars Yet? Well, Here's The Thing...

4 Spam Emails That Deserve To Be Movies

I Ate At The World's Best Sushi Restaurant

4 Ways I Realize I've Changed (Thanks To The New Zelda Game)

The 6 Most Useless Features Found in Flashlight Apps

5 Creepy Things People Say About Sex When Granted Anonymity

4 Recipes That Came From The Mind Of A Child (Taste Tested)

4 Things That Shock You About Dogs (If You Never Had One)

4 Creepy Unspoken Agreements We All Make With Public Places 4 Terrible Golf Tips For Beginners (By a Beginner)

Drones: The Movie Pixar Doesn't have the Balls to Make - The first time I was ever allowed to break the traditional listicle mold. Still can’t believe they let me do this.

5 Random Questions You Didn't Know You Wanted Answered

5 Newspaper Articles From History You'll Swear I'm Making Up

Taco Bell's Website Is Absolutely Insane (No, Seriously) Papa John’s TikTok Has Intense Divorced Dad Energy

The Mary Sue - I’ve long admired the work going on over at The Mary Sue. I finally got the chance to write for them as a Contributing Writer. Here are a few of my favorites so far.

‘Star Wars Outlaws’ does ‘Skyrim in Space’ better than ‘Starfield’

Sorry, McDonald’s: Your new collector’s cups will never beat the ‘Batman Forever’ mugs

New Cult Hit Horror Game Raises Uncomfortable Questions About Your Gaming Habits

Even the MCU’s Floundering Can’t Touch the Reason Deadpool Always Hits

I Live In Constant Fear That I Would Like Racewalking if I Tried It

Vice - This is my current day job. Topical Writer is my official title. Essentially an old school daily news blogger. Incredibly fun, everyone is fantastic, and I get tons of creative freedom.  

LA House That Broke in Half Is on Sale for $499,999

This Video Game Flopped So Hard Sony Is Refunding Anyone Who Bought It

Heinz Insults All of Italy As It Introduces Carbonara-in-a-Can for Gen Z Eaters

Austrian Doctor Fired After Letting Her 13-Year-Old Daughter Drill a Hole In a Patient’s Head (this one got me on NPR’s Wait Wait...Don’t Tell Me!)

Microplastics Are In Your Brain, Testicles, Placenta, Lungs, Soul

People Mostly Use AI for Homework Help and Erotic Fiction

Bunny Ears - The site, which was owned and operated by actor Macaulay Culkin, gave me the chance to do something I’d wanted to do for years: get paid to write the silliest stuff I could imagine. The site was a satire of celebrity lifestyle sites like Goop but started sprinkling in some broader pop-cultural stuff toward the end. 

6 Bathrobes Perfect For Doing Coked-Up Naked Karate

I’ve Been Holding In A Tantric Orgasm For 22 Years. Please Don’t Touch Me

My Secret Ingredient Is Love, Which Has Been Recalled Due To Fecal Contamination

For The Last Time, I’m An Electrician, Not An Energy Healer

3 School Lunches Your Child’s Bully Will Love

We Just Tried Western Medicine, And Holy Shit Is It Effective!

I Traveled The World And Didn’t Learn A Fucking Thing About Myself Lavish Vacation Spots To Visit When You’re On The Run From The Securities and Exchange Commission

I’m An Introvert And I Need Every Person On Earth To Know It These 5 Posh Hotels Have One Thing in Common: You’re Banned from Them

Our Article Ideas Algorithm Says You Should Marinate Chicken In Piss

I Climbed Everest And Still Can’t Maintain An Erection

Funko Pop! Used My Likeness Without My Consent A Good Night’s Sleep Made Me A Much More Efficient Asshole My Restaurant Will Proudly Fuck Up Your Culture’s Signature Dish I’m Trying Really Hard To Not Turn Your Vitamin D Deficiency Into A Dick Joke

I’m Totally Okay Being Trapped Under This Weighted Blanket Reminder: Don’t Fuck Up This Turkey, Because You Can Really Use A Win Right Now

Marvelous Meat: This Plant-Based Burger Not Only Bleeds, It Screams

We Can’t Get Enough Of These 5 Celebrity-Recommended Tax Havens

Grounding: Connecting To The Natural Energies of Your Home By Sticking Metal Rods In Power Outlets

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency 

Click “No” If You’d Like Us To Guilt Trip You For Not Subscribing To Our Newsletter

The Inaudible Podcast Network - My time at Bunny Ears led to the development of a short recurring segment on the official Bunny Ears podcast called “Meditation Minute with Luis Prada”, a parody of guided meditation podcasts and Youtube channels. When Bunny Ears closed down, I was able to keep Meditation Minute. I spun it into my own podcast. The Inaudible Podcast Network is an audio sketch comedy series about four podcasts on a fake podcast network. Those shows are Meditation Minute, Truest Crime (a true crime podcast hosted by two serial killers), The Feed (a food culture podcast), and Three Indistinguishable Guys Talking About Movies (a movie podcast). I’ve completed two seasons so far, totaling 80 episodes, 20 of each podcast. Here are direct links to my favorite episodes so far. But first, here’s a link to the Patreon!

https://www.patreon.com/InaudiblePod

I can use the money! Season two just ended. I’m writing season three now. Anyway, onto the links...

TRAILER/Ep. 1 - Meditation Minute - Midroll Meditation

Ep. 2 - The Feed - Fleeing Flavortown

Ep. 4 - Three Indistinguishable Guys Talking About Movies - Review: The Family Circus Movie

Ep. 5 - Meditation Minute - Building a Happy Place

Ep. 28 - Truest Crime - Where Are They Now?

Ep. 33 - Meditation Minute - Breakout

Ep. 41 - Meditation Minute With Luis Prada - A Meditation for Those In A Rush

Ep. 42 - The Feed - The Indiana Sausage Wars

Ep. 47 - Three Indistinguishable Guys Talking About Movies - I See Myself In Luke Skywalker Despite HisGross Alien Genitals

Ep. 48 - Truest Crime - Riddles For Pestering The Cops

Ep. 58 - The Feed - Apologies To Canned Ham

Ep. 62 - The Feed - The Fight To Save Bees

Ep. 69 - Meditation Minute With Luis Prada - Corrections and Retractions

Ep. 78 - The Feed - Our Fascinating World of High-End Cheeses

Ep. 80 - Truest Crime - Most Truest Crime with Host FBI Agent Antonio Rodriguez

[woshibai]

Got McSweeney's 64 Audio Issue, I did some illustrations for one of the stories, much thanks to AD Sunra and McSweeney's. You can subscribe to it or learn more via the link below: https://store.mcsweeneys.net/products/mcsweeneys64?taxon_id=1