May 14, 2022
"I love you son"
Every time. Whenever I actually visit, and talk to him, in his messages.
I wish I could tell him how much that scares me.
How much it feels like a condition.
How much it hurts.
Son.
People call me bro, dude, guy, I don't like it but it's fine, I can live with it.
"Man" . That one is bad. It stings. It feels like the kind of insult you can't not let get to you.
But Son is the worst. It reminds me of my upbringing, of patriarchy and xianity, of why he's in my life and all the ways he hurt me.
We get along sometimes. We could be friends, he can call me his kid, his child, I can forgive him. But I can't keep hearing that word.
And I'm too much of a coward to even ask him to stop saying it.