wow i really can't even let myself talk about serious things without berating myself from every angle huh. i am attempting to write down my thoughts and feelings. they do not have to be rational, justified, wise, correct, or of moral value. i am aware of my privileged, comfortable, and safe position in the world, but nonetheless i have feelings and i am allowed to talk about them. for fuck's sake (frustrated with myself)
there's something wrong! there's something wrong with me! my memories and emotions are not as they should be! i feel like a fucking goldfish! i don't feel like i fully recognize my family members and friends! i can't remember how to behave around them! i have lost access to the intangible residual feelings one has about people and places! i can't remember how it feels to love almost all the people i know, in words, that i love! i don't know what's happening to me! my therapist doesn't know what's happening to me! i don't know why it's happening now of all times! it's so difficult to articulate because it's so abstract and subconscious! i am experiencing a strong feeling of alienation!
if this is some dissociative thing it's not an episode, for the past... year? especially in the last 4+ months. my "brain hard reset" window--what I call this phenomenon where it feels like there's a certain point in the recent past, such as the previous notable event in my life, preceding which my memories and emotions feel inaccessibly blurry, garbled, and distant--has shrunk from months to weeks to now, consistently, about four days. my memories from more than four days ago are... garbled, distant, intangible, out of reach. feels like i'm clawing through smoke. i can remember them in words, if i concentrate, but the residual intangible elements, the emotions, don't carry over and don't feel like mine. remembering them feels like reading them off a piece of paper.
sometimes i feel like i don't recognize my family. sometimes i feel like i'm almost seeing them for the first time. i feel like that residual memory well of emotion and love, those subconscious feelings that accompany the people you know, are missing, inaccessible. it's fucking scary and upsetting. mostly, it means i'm uncomfortable, distant, and irritable around my family. i feel like i'm only seeing their flaws and their decay. it's unsettling. noticing how starkly my parents are aging does not fucking help matters.
i think i've been experiencing my first (recognized) autistic burnout for the past few months. i crashed really hard once last semester ended, and i haven't gotten any better. i can't tolerate stimuli. i'm so irritated at the slightest noises. i shut myself in my room to avoid my family even more than usual. i have to flee them sometimes because i can't stand the sound of them chewing or breathing. like actual fight or flight response. i feel trapped in my house and in my room. i feel so fucking stuck.
being out of the house is exhausting. i keep wanting to be productive after class but then i crash (rest, nap) literally from noon until dinner. i've been keeping up well with school for the first half of the semester--that comes easily to me unless i'm in a seriously bad place--but i am slipping fast right now tbh.
how the fuck am i supposed to motivate myself to try to live like normal right now. i am angry and afraid and despairing at the state of the world and the rise of fascism, literal fucking nazism, and what, you want me to write a 20-page paper about midcentury cinema? you want me to write a cover letter with keywords and sell myself to you? they're killing my sisters they're murdering my fucking sisters they're burning my fucking sisters at the stake they're in lock step to KILL MY FUCKING SISTERS. and my family is pissed at me because i cannot muster the will to speak at dinner anymore, because all they talk about is fucking finance. i feel like i'm on a different planet.
i'm gonna try to talk to my mom about my feelings i guess. have you considered it might be insensitive to your transgender son that all anyone in this house talks about is how the fucking economy will be affected. have you considered that it makes me feel like you don't care, or don't take current events seriously. it's not that i even want it to be a topic of conversation--it upsets me and i don't want to talk about it--but it makes me so fucking angry to sit there night after night in silence while my sister tells me to invest in fucking invidia.
