#memoirsofasadist

[gracethemania]

battery 100%

I feel as if I am only able to say I’ve grown because I am no longer amused by the destruction resulting from faulty logic, nor do I find chaos entertaining. I am an advocate for healthy living, healthy relationships, with no tolerance for abuse in any form. Limiting my output early in interactions has allowed me to see what actually exists rather than being enthralled by a haze of ideal potential. I’m not impressed easily and I’ve become so jaded by repeated failures and disappointments that I am in a mental space of serenity and sweet comfort when I am alone or in the company of others on a spiritual journey.

When I walk in peace, with my consciousness at its peak… all of the questions I’ve dreamt of seem to manifest themselves as a translucent stream of particles hovering in front of me. In motion, yet possessing a stillness within… my soul has acquired its protective mold & casing. Breezes that confirm the change in season is all the more reason to plant new seeds of believing.

The indigo child… wild & screaming. Looking, seemingly lost yet determined to find the answer, the purpose, the light which fills those empty spaces within us. Whether it is a void self inflicted, or scalped by another, we question its placement and seek its origin. Every mold I ever sought to fill could not reach its capacity because I was allowing others to try, instead of taking the responsibility. Nothing and just about no one could give me the peace and clarity I desperately needed, mainly because I wasn’t sure what neither of those concepts truly were, yet I supposed it was in conjunction with having some sort of unity with another being.

Overlooking my needs, just to get what I wanted. No wonder why I was so haunted. Desires became empty vials with cracks running along the sides, and my experiences were gathered and accumulated… but found a way to seep through, leaving me with only lessons and more questions. Stillness, I’ve become accustomed to, over the span of my growing moments in solitude. More revelations came in those times than I would have wanted, and the pain I’ve dealt with was mainly due to me being unreasonably selfish. Darkness was not just a phase, it was a flawed mental programming. As I experimented with Change, the light seemed to present itself at the turning points of my awareness, and shadowed the dark clouds I loved chasing, latching, and dragging myself behind. There is not one particular occurrence that made me better in my decision making, but rather a gradual awakening that led me to believe the problem was me.

I felt imprisoned by my freedom because in order to love anything, it was my power I was sacrificing. There may have been reciprocation, but I only had the intention of forcing them to comply to my distorted beliefs. Then I forced them away from me because something was still not working.

[gracethemania]

in closing.

This year has served me well, and I am proud that I have been conscious for a majority of the time, versus being blacked out and shamelessly reckless & wasteful. There are 5 weeks in January, and I am going off of the radar to tend to my home, peace, craft. There are new pages to fill, new adventures to seek, new energy levels to acquire. I have successfully distanced/removed myself from any&everyone that cannot contribute to my vision, positivity, and spiritual well-being.

No bridges were destroyed, I only decided to take routes that were a bit different, and way more efficient. My entities have been on the back burner as I assisted others with their visions, but I’ve come to realize that I am much more fulfilled when I am not restricted.

No One Can Micromanage My Creativity.

The road was paved with fields of flowers, sunlight, and a light breeze for the pollination life cycle to flourish. I was that scared, adventurous little child, wandering into the depths of the forest, chasing dreams in the form of fairies holding tea lights inside lanterns as they navigated through the pathways. Suddenly, it seemed as if I had been walking forward with my head turned to see all that I left behind. Focusing on my losses, I was stumbling my way through with my hands feeling for the most reassuring surface. My vision was primarily blurred, and only cleared up momentarily as my skin was pierced by sharp objects. The pain gave me abrupt clarity, and I used it to redirect me.

Somewhere along the way my vision went completely blurred, from a culmination of the atmosphere, from my blind bliss, from the tears that filled my eyes to the brim. I had to stop and wait for it all to settle. In those stages of immobility, I dwelled amongst a diverse bunch of flowers: some silent, some singing, some even screaming. Some radiant, some dull, some with a voice, and some null. I sat, lay, and wait with them, feeling and listening my way around. They told me the beauties and horrors of their lives, and it got me thinking of mine. As I retraced memories back to the furthest point of recollection, I began to filter my gain, losses, and suppositions. There seemed to be an additional pile that came about, called ‘Dreams’. Those dreams piled the highest, and seemed to all be incomplete. They looked like roots: flaring, sprouting, reaching for one another at every angle. The flowers had mixed reactions, ranging from excitement and horror, encouragement to skepticism, acceptance to resistance. I kept sifting through the memories with what little vision I had, not deterred by the flowers’ input. By the time I regained enough sight to proceed on my path, it made no sense to carry every pile of memories. The losses were dead weight, the gains were expiring, but the dreams were lively and shimmering. I decided to carry the dreams so their upbeat chatter could keep me company. Whenever I felt as if I was on a well paved road, the dreams were interactive, direct, and rational. If ever I steered onto a shady path, they were full of whispers, nervous inquiries, and questioned my logic. Either way, I came to realize that despite the routes I took, I was still accumulating dreams. I did not want to overlook new potential -and I certainly did not dare to abandon the ones I already gave nurturing attention to- so I began to plant the more mature roots in places they would flourish best.

So much time has elapsed since I began planting, and so many locations have been visited… it is nearly impossible to remember every dream. A special few have been cherished, and some have yet to be preserved, but now that I have explored the unknown depths of this enchanted forest with faeries & flowers as my guiding support, I’ve earned enough experience to reflect on how far I’ve come. Looking back with a refreshed perspective, filled with gratitude and quick wisps of nostalgia in the passing breeze, I inhaled and close my eyes with a subtle smile, as I turn away and proceed on my journey.