Untitled... for like, Ever.

ii have thoughts. every once in a while, this is where you will find them.

[gracethemania]

now the sun peaks at mid-afternoon.

and if ii say 'my love', is it projected from the ether of my soul or is it the faulty component ii've implanted, to help me distinguish what's real

saying things to make love real or believing things to feel real love

a fire within my core... as there is heaven beneath me, there is heaven above.

[gracethemania]

7 Deadly Feedbacks

your fear is feeding the monster. your rage is feeding the monster. your inactivity is feeding the monster. your attention is feeding the monster. your consumption is feeding the monster. your negative reaction is feeding the monster. your emotional investment is feeding the monster.

[gracethemania]

with the utmost gratitude... ii acknowledge the highs, plateaus, and the lows of this life. plateaus are a new degree of opportunity, whereas ii once perceived it as the emptiness that consumed me.

[gracethemania]

creative.

the magic in these hands...

the infinite stretch of praise, gratitude, and humility I feel when I use them. the conscious efforts I take to care for them. the strenuous limits I push them, then the delicate rituals I do to preserve them.

the stretch. the feel. the effort. the care. the limits. the rituals.

these hands. god made.

[gracethemania]

Love, True.

[gracethemania]

& Now A Daze...

ii considered the mental tenacity it takes to revisit this case... ii am considering the capacity of this new time and space. ii will consider it as the first seed of a newfound grace. because the reality ii knew... was the death of a dream. an inconsistent theory, unfolded in a volume of three. levels of resistance, detachment, & ethereal belief. although the trauma of that mindset was insipid, ii developed from immature, to elusive, to vivid. and here and now, ii have a truth worth living.

[gracethemania]

a long walk, calm thoughts, and Lepidiolite in hand to soothe... everything is everything.

[gracethemania]

& how you are subtly teaching me simplicity... something ii'm growing into understanding. something ii never allowed for myself.

[gracethemania]

new moon.

1253p [Angel Number 10}

hence, resetting my intentions...

with a vivid focus and lightened sense of direction, ii hope everyone understands that my content curation is a meditative process. ii’ve learned to withstand the waves of premature success.  sewing scraps of ambition and truth to weave the most ideal tapestry my artistry can offer.

[gracethemania]

stoic.

still have my moon peeking through my window. still have my genuine spirit. still have my philosophy. still have my positivity. still have my potential. still have my freedom. still have my honesty. still have my silence. still have my energy. still have my space. still have my smile. still have my Light. still have my Life. still have my Art. still have my Self. still have my Love. still have my Truth. still have my words. still have my Magic. still have my peace. still have my journey. still have my enigma. still have my tranquility. still have my sensuality. still have my everything. still have my time to make. still have my beauty... embedded & apparent. still have Me, even if ii don't have You.

[gracethemania]

It only hurts a little, that people misinterpret my enigma for evil.

[gracethemania]

iiFeel

[gracethemania]

in closing.

This year has served me well, and I am proud that I have been conscious for a majority of the time, versus being blacked out and shamelessly reckless & wasteful. There are 5 weeks in January, and I am going off of the radar to tend to my home, peace, craft. There are new pages to fill, new adventures to seek, new energy levels to acquire. I have successfully distanced/removed myself from any&everyone that cannot contribute to my vision, positivity, and spiritual well-being.

No bridges were destroyed, I only decided to take routes that were a bit different, and way more efficient. My entities have been on the back burner as I assisted others with their visions, but I’ve come to realize that I am much more fulfilled when I am not restricted.

No One Can Micromanage My Creativity.

The road was paved with fields of flowers, sunlight, and a light breeze for the pollination life cycle to flourish. I was that scared, adventurous little child, wandering into the depths of the forest, chasing dreams in the form of fairies holding tea lights inside lanterns as they navigated through the pathways. Suddenly, it seemed as if I had been walking forward with my head turned to see all that I left behind. Focusing on my losses, I was stumbling my way through with my hands feeling for the most reassuring surface. My vision was primarily blurred, and only cleared up momentarily as my skin was pierced by sharp objects. The pain gave me abrupt clarity, and I used it to redirect me.

Somewhere along the way my vision went completely blurred, from a culmination of the atmosphere, from my blind bliss, from the tears that filled my eyes to the brim. I had to stop and wait for it all to settle. In those stages of immobility, I dwelled amongst a diverse bunch of flowers: some silent, some singing, some even screaming. Some radiant, some dull, some with a voice, and some null. I sat, lay, and wait with them, feeling and listening my way around. They told me the beauties and horrors of their lives, and it got me thinking of mine. As I retraced memories back to the furthest point of recollection, I began to filter my gain, losses, and suppositions. There seemed to be an additional pile that came about, called ‘Dreams’. Those dreams piled the highest, and seemed to all be incomplete. They looked like roots: flaring, sprouting, reaching for one another at every angle. The flowers had mixed reactions, ranging from excitement and horror, encouragement to skepticism, acceptance to resistance. I kept sifting through the memories with what little vision I had, not deterred by the flowers’ input. By the time I regained enough sight to proceed on my path, it made no sense to carry every pile of memories. The losses were dead weight, the gains were expiring, but the dreams were lively and shimmering. I decided to carry the dreams so their upbeat chatter could keep me company. Whenever I felt as if I was on a well paved road, the dreams were interactive, direct, and rational. If ever I steered onto a shady path, they were full of whispers, nervous inquiries, and questioned my logic. Either way, I came to realize that despite the routes I took, I was still accumulating dreams. I did not want to overlook new potential -and I certainly did not dare to abandon the ones I already gave nurturing attention to- so I began to plant the more mature roots in places they would flourish best.

So much time has elapsed since I began planting, and so many locations have been visited… it is nearly impossible to remember every dream. A special few have been cherished, and some have yet to be preserved, but now that I have explored the unknown depths of this enchanted forest with faeries & flowers as my guiding support, I’ve earned enough experience to reflect on how far I’ve come. Looking back with a refreshed perspective, filled with gratitude and quick wisps of nostalgia in the passing breeze, I inhaled and close my eyes with a subtle smile, as I turn away and proceed on my journey.

[gracethemania]

battery 100%

I feel as if I am only able to say I’ve grown because I am no longer amused by the destruction resulting from faulty logic, nor do I find chaos entertaining. I am an advocate for healthy living, healthy relationships, with no tolerance for abuse in any form. Limiting my output early in interactions has allowed me to see what actually exists rather than being enthralled by a haze of ideal potential. I’m not impressed easily and I’ve become so jaded by repeated failures and disappointments that I am in a mental space of serenity and sweet comfort when I am alone or in the company of others on a spiritual journey.

When I walk in peace, with my consciousness at its peak… all of the questions I’ve dreamt of seem to manifest themselves as a translucent stream of particles hovering in front of me. In motion, yet possessing a stillness within… my soul has acquired its protective mold & casing. Breezes that confirm the change in season is all the more reason to plant new seeds of believing.

The indigo child… wild & screaming. Looking, seemingly lost yet determined to find the answer, the purpose, the light which fills those empty spaces within us. Whether it is a void self inflicted, or scalped by another, we question its placement and seek its origin. Every mold I ever sought to fill could not reach its capacity because I was allowing others to try, instead of taking the responsibility. Nothing and just about no one could give me the peace and clarity I desperately needed, mainly because I wasn’t sure what neither of those concepts truly were, yet I supposed it was in conjunction with having some sort of unity with another being.

Overlooking my needs, just to get what I wanted. No wonder why I was so haunted. Desires became empty vials with cracks running along the sides, and my experiences were gathered and accumulated… but found a way to seep through, leaving me with only lessons and more questions. Stillness, I’ve become accustomed to, over the span of my growing moments in solitude. More revelations came in those times than I would have wanted, and the pain I’ve dealt with was mainly due to me being unreasonably selfish. Darkness was not just a phase, it was a flawed mental programming. As I experimented with Change, the light seemed to present itself at the turning points of my awareness, and shadowed the dark clouds I loved chasing, latching, and dragging myself behind. There is not one particular occurrence that made me better in my decision making, but rather a gradual awakening that led me to believe the problem was me.

I felt imprisoned by my freedom because in order to love anything, it was my power I was sacrificing. There may have been reciprocation, but I only had the intention of forcing them to comply to my distorted beliefs. Then I forced them away from me because something was still not working.

[gracethemania]

maybe ii’m not getting better… maybe ii’m just getting crazier.

[gracethemania]

Lucid Lover

Seems as if true romance only exists in my mind.

When will it come to a point where I am not scavenging for reasons to be fully satisfied, and I can elevate from minimal extrinsic efforts, to maximum intrinsic bliss. Is the mindset of a recovering manic depressed loner so flawed that this damsel is cursed to always be in distress. Have I branded my chains from the era when I was once bound, and my suffering is all an illusion.

Most of my emotional thoughts play out in slow motion, with a magical glow and the objects of my past, present, and future desires looking eye to eye to eye. Should I begin to make those experiences more intense, since reality can’t seem to coexist…

When approached, I can drift further away, with a slight hover above my ideal other, and see if this is really what they want.

I will allow my heart to freeze, crack, and shatter that area of my body to expose the wildfire that smothers my organs as electricity shoots through my veins. My eyes will resemble the keyhole portal I have tattooed on the back of my neck: filled with dark clouds, that will lurk and swirl like the birth of a supercell storm. The electricity from my veins will emit sparks from my fingertips, and my blood will hemorrhage into pools beneath me, boiling. I will be the Alpha Medusa, with my hair breathing a life of its own, sprouting into sections, forming Venus Flytraps among rotating vines of poison ivy… a beautiful filigree.

Of course, I will cry.

Liquid hematite that will solidify soon as it drips into the boiling pool of blood, then roll to the edge of my vicinity, forming beautifully polished stones. It will be quite a scene, as some will run away in fear, some will observe in the distance, some will accept it as a summons.

The fearless will not be phased, but I will not be soothed. If they shall move closer, I will hyper-ignite, forcing them to be displaced. The daredevil will be overcome with the thrill of a challenge, taking an untamed leap to reach but their ill-mannered gesture will disgust me so much that I will pixelate into a transparent hologram and they will fail to ever achieve the slightest grasp.

The observer will not understand the purpose of such an occurrence, nor do they want to. They are content, pleased that they have the opportunity to see as they juggle the possibility of whether or not to believe. Some may take some abstract meaning from it, some are waiting to see what comes of it, if there is an end result. They rarely inch forward, some hide in the distance, keeping a safe distance in case I erupt. So the observers do not pose much of a threat unless I sense a shift in their intentions.

The empath is a gamble.

Since I am unable to see or hear as I am in that state, I cannot identify the species of fellow empaths. I can only feel the pulse of their soul, and if they withstand my distractions I will stabilize and their identity will be revealed. A lot of times I encountered animals being drawn to me because of their pure compassion, or muses that conjoined to form a protective barrier from outside forces as they harnessed and amplified my output. Those with the capacity to truly love, to be a True Love, will endure, absorb, and reciprocate my force. Patient, still, and vibrant… my Lover matches the height of my hover, being a force that magnifies the hematite, cools the boiling blood pool, while emitting light into my dark clouded eyes. They will reveal their core to me, so that I can feel the electricity and warmth of their soul. The only difference we have between us is that their heart is warm and mine is cold.

The longer they stay, the more my core repairs. My hair will lose its venom, and sprout into exotic flowers. My tears will cease and I will be able to see. I will observe my Love thoroughly, and after I am reassured of their intentions, I will be calmed, relieved, and exhausted from the magnitude of immense energy I released. I will fall faint for an extended amount of time but my patient ideal other will nurture and respect my idleness until I resurrect. By the time I regain strength and consciousness, we will unite as if we knew we would find each other after the universe played the greatest game of Wander & Seek, placing us on opposites sides of the world with a burden of awareness, hypersensitivity, and a vast assortment of obstacles and distractions to prolong our fulfillment.

I will finally thank my muses for preserving me: as some lived through me vicariously, others whispered cosmic affirmations, and others hummed mystical hymns to keep my pulse going. The creatures I drew near me will rejoice and flutter, dance, and sound off their praises. The observers will maintain their distance: some relieved the phenomenon did not end in disaster, some disgusted at the time they spent waiting on some grand spectacle, some apathetic about the entire ordeal...just proud to have yet another story to tell.

My Lover will become my other lung, staying close, in sync as I share all the visions and explorations I had while in my mode. We will laugh and play with the possibilities of never finding one another, secretly cringing at the reality of ending up with a completely opposite mate. We will be triumphant in the way our cosmic alchemy ordained our fate. The holes will fill, the cracks will mend. We will be able to choose whether we will return to earth’s standard of gravity or ascend beyond cosmic reach. The reality we construct will overcome and surpass those unfortunate scenarios of separation.

Passion galore, what more. We will be free… weightless, waitless.

[gracethemania]

easy stay, where the insane stay...

wait & play for all their days.

pray & wait, for the day they awake...

say and claim how their saviors will save.

as they tremble from misery that swells & makes their bones ache.