Chapter 10
Series Summary: There are moments in our lives that have a major impact. The interactions, the adventures, and the love, all make up who we are. But when Harry can't remember those moments with YN, they are both left wondering what that means for themselves and their relationship.
Chapter Summary: Well, I think some of you wanted this, a version of it anyway, so here it is! It's a shorter chapter because I didn't want to stretch things out with unnecessary filler. Plus it's the lead-up to the next (and potentially last) chapter.
If it sucks, I blame it on being sick.
~~~~~
Chapter Warnings: Some explicit language, cut on hand, mention of blood and glass, mention of ex-girlfriend, airports, and angst
~~~~~
"Fuck!"
The sting of the wound on your hand just accompanies the pain in your heart. As you begin to wash the blood away under the water of the kitchen sink, you hear a knock at your front door. Frustration instantly fills you, wishing Adhira would just give you some space that you want tonight, but knowing she won't. Only because she cares. It just isn't convenient for you at the moment.
You look up and notice that you, yet again, left the door unlocked, so you relent.
"Come in…" You grumble, loud enough for her to hear from the other side, turning your focus back to cleaning your hand. You hiss at the sting again as you hear the door creak open.
"YN…?"
Your body freezes instantly as you hear that beautiful, deep, British voice that once disintegrated every ounce of pain you had ever felt. But now your cut isn't the only pain you feel, and the one person who could usually take it away is the one who caused it.
Your eyes shoot up to see him, and as he slowly takes a few more steps inside, you see his gaze drop to your hand.
"Shit! Are you alright?"
Before you can respond, he rushes over to you, narrowly missing the pile of broken glass on the floor, before appearing next to you at the sink.
He gently grabs your hand and assesses your wound, his brows furrowed with concentration. Every fiber in your body instantly reacts to his touch and your heart begins to race. You haven't felt it in so long. You've missed the warmth and tenderness. All you can manage to do is stare.
"Stay right there." He states, swiftly moving into the bathroom and almost immediately showing up right beside you again.
He takes your hand into his and squeezes the antiseptic cream onto your cut, causing you to wince in pain.
"M'sorry. You alright?" He asks as he reaches over to the counter and grabs the bandage he brought from the other room.
"Harry-"
"Almost done." He interrupts, full concentration on his task. The task of taking care of you. Of your wound. If only it were that easy for the rest of the hurt you're feeling.
You have become frozen in a daze, still unable to comprehend what he is doing here and why he is tending to the slice in your hand that seemed to also be the final cut to your heart. If ever there was a sign to leave, that was it, literally penetrating your skin wide open.
With the bandage secured, still holding your hand in his, he runs his thumbs gently over your palm. His eyes flicker all over your skin and he twists your arm and then switches to the other.
"Are you hurt anywhere else?" He asks quietly, his voice alone being soft enough to cuddle into.
You shake your head as his eyes shoot up to yours, seeming to wait for words that you know won't come. Not yet. You're empty.
"What happened?" He straightens up his stature, turning towards the remnants of what was once your water glass.
You follow him around the kitchen to see the remaining evidence of your most pitiful moment.
"I… uh… I tripped." You manage to reply.
He motions you to the couch, walks right over to the hallway closet, and grabs a broom. He carefully makes his way around the broken glass, making sure to get every visible piece
And your eyes remain glued on him. What is normally considered such a simple, thoughtful gesture has caused you to become rigid. You still don't know why he is doing this. Or why he is even here to begin with.
Of course, the unusual reaction just strengthens the confirmation that everything has changed. Your normal with Harry is no longer normal, and is no longer with Harry.
The sound of the closet door closing finally snaps you out of your daze and anxiety ripples through every ounce of your body. He saw and cleaned your hand, then saw and cleaned your mess. You still do not know why he arrived at your apartment in the first place, and every muscle tenses. That's what is left for him to do. To tell you. And whatever it is, you are sure you would rather not hear it.
"Alright. All clean." He states, casually washing his hands in the kitchen sink, as if it's any other normal day together. He dries them off and places one hand on his hip, running the other through the curly locks you wish you could twist between your fingers one more time. "So, you're alright?"
You nod, eyes fixated as you watch his expression transform from calm and caring to chaotic and concerned. His chest begins to rise and fall frantically. You could swear yours has already matched its rhythm.
"What happened tonight, YN?"
"I-... I told you… I tripped." You stutter, attempting to gather your thoughts. Why is he here? Why does he care? What does he want?
"That's…" He pinches the bridge of his nose, his expression, with the undertone of frustration, softening with every rapid breath he takes. "That's not what I meant."
"Harry. Why are you… here…?"
His eyes shoot up to yours, and his expression is indiscernible.
"I wanted to talk to you."
You figured as much, though your emotions begin to run high. There's only so much more you can take, and if this conversation is going to go the only way you can assume it will, it might actually, fully, break you.
"But you left the bar so quickly." He adds. You notice he takes a few steps in your direction, and that is when your body stiffens. Your emotions, however, are still unclear. Everything about Harry is mesmerizing. You know your heart still loves him, and clearly your body is not aware of the pain you've been through, because as he steps closer, the beating of your heart increases dramatically.
Maybe the fact that everything is changing is a good thing, at least in part. If you can't be around each other anymore, your throat won't get dry and your hands won't get shaky. You won't feel dizzy, in that fun lustful way, and you won't want to be held by him forever.
You'll be able to reset and not react with yearning whenever he is in the room. Because you can't feel any of that any more. You won't. He didn't choose you. He doesn't want you. Not his heart, his mind, or his body wants you. And every part of you needs to remember that.
You shake your head to shake out your thoughts and regain your gaze only to find him staring back at you. You haven't responded and he seems to be waiting.
"I didn't want… I mean, you…" You sigh, knowing that it is all coming down to this moment. The moment you get the confirmation that this is over. The thought, and the hope, that you'll be together is about to truly be destroyed. Therefore, you might as well lay it all out there.
"I didn't want to stay!" You exclaim, watching as his eyes widen.
"I was hoping you would-" When a subtle smirk appears on his face, shock shoots through your veins.
"Are you serious?" The reason for your rapid heart rate transitions from desire to anger almost immediately. How could he think you could stay? And just be okay? How could he possibly think you'd want to listen to him sing about the ex-girlfriend he has now chosen over you? You understand his memories are compromised, but his logic isn't. At least, you didn't think it was.
"Well, yeah, I just-"
"You walked out on opening night…" You grit your teeth, no longer feeling timid and flustered. Now you feel anger. And the pain you've been feeling for over a month. You want to get this over with. "Listen. Clearly, it's better if we aren't around each other. I walked out because…"
Harry's eyes close and his head drops down as he crosses his arms across his chest. From everything you know about him, you know that stance means he's bracing himself. But you can't understand why. You cannot fathom a reason as to why he cares that you walked out.
"Because it's too much for me."
He steps even closer, lifting his eyes back to you, and you curse your body for still reacting in such a flustered way. You are right, it's better if you aren't around each other.
"What do you mean?" He asks with a soft tone. He is infuriating. He can't be that clueless, but he also shouldn't be getting this close to you either.
"Harry…" You swallow down the lump in your throat as he sits down on the coffee table in front of you. It causes you to shift in your spot, moving over a few inches so that your eyes aren't directly opposite of his.
This isn't fair. How he's acting isn't fair. Of course, he isn't the one who is left broken-hearted, so of course he's acting so casually. He got what he wanted. It's just not you, and you're the one who is left with nothing.
"I think you should leave." You mutter, bringing your thumb up and placing the nail between your teeth. His breath hitches, as if surprised by your statement.
"YN-..."
"I don't understand why you're even here! You chose Tabitha! I get it! You don't remember me, you don't remember us. But I do! I know you, I know us. And it's too much for me to be at a bar with our friends and watch you sing songs about her! Watch you sing songs that used to be about me! It's too much! And I can't do it. Okay? I can't."
"Just let me-"
"I can't watch you kiss her, Harry. I can't watch you love her. I can't watch you have the life with her that you wanted with me! It's too much. And…" You sigh, only hurting yourself with this decision but feeling it's the best thing for you. "I have to put some distance between all this."
"Wait, what?" His breath becomes shallow. You can just see from the corner of your eye that his leg begins to bounce and he starts fidgeting with his rings.
"I'm gonna move away. Be closer to my parents."
Suddenly, the warmth of his palm is pressed against the top of your hand, and you close your eyes for a moment to dwell in his touch once again. One last time. Your eyes meet his and see pain. And sadness. A deep sadness you don't know if you've ever seen before.
"Please don't leave, Cupcake, plea-"
"I can't stay here Harry! I need to-..." You sit up straighter and your eyes go wide. You can't determine if your mind is playing tricks on you, but if it is, it's the most evil thing you've ever done to yourself. "What did you just say?"
"Please don't leave."
"No… not that…"
"Cupcake." He quickly responds, a subtle smirk appearing on his face. Your eyes lock on his, attempting to gather more information just from your stare alone, since only heavy breathing fills the room
"Do… do you… you used to…" You stumble through your sentence, still in complete shock and confusion. Maybe you bumped your head when you fell. It's possible that this is all just a dream. A very, very cruel dream. A single tear runs down your cheek and Harry's finger quickly moves up, grazing across your skin with a gentleness that could solve any problem that came your way.
"I used to call you that." He states, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles, matching the tenderness you felt against your cheek. "I remember."
"What?" You respond with breathiness. "What… What do you… remember?"
"Everything." He smiles, grazing your knuckles again lovingly. "I remember that your favorite color is blue, but specifically a Caribbean blue that only you can pick out. I remember how you ask to pet every dog we pass by, making me think we will need one someday. I remember how we met, I remember kissing in the rain, I remember how loved you always make me feel. I remember everything, Cupcake. You, us, everything."
You stare blankly, all ability you had to function properly has been wiped away along with that recent tear. You have thought about this moment since he first asked if you were the one to hit his car that night. So many nights you cried yourself to sleep, wishing this moment would come, and dreamt every night of the possibility. Every time you saw him, or heard his name, or did something that even remotely reminded you of him, you had hope that he would love you again.
So why, once you have received exactly what you have been longing for, does no happy and relieved expression display across your face? Why are your arms not flinging around his neck, and your mouth not passionately pressed against his? Why have your eyes dropped their gaze down to where he touches your hand, and a subtle frown appears between your brows? Why do no words leave your lips?
"YN?" Harry asks, scooting closer to the edge of the coffee table and your knees touch his.
"So you're not… with Tab-"
"No! Definitely not! No!
"Did…" You wince at the thought that pops into your head, and your heart prepares itself to drop back down from the spot it began lifting up to. "Did you… sleep with her?"
"No!" He instantly exclaims again, his eyes wide, making his green irises shine in shock. "YN, no. I promise. No."
You manage a nod.
"Did you do… anything… with her?"
His gaze now drops and your heart begins to sink back down. The moment at Tasty Palace, where your heart shattered at the sight of him with her, replays almost as clearly in front of you as Harry is now. He had his arm around her. He was whispering in her ear. He was making her giggle. His answer could be yes.
"We, umm, went on a date… well, it was just dinner…" He runs the back of his neck, and you almost wish you couldn't read him like a book. "And, shit… we sort of… kissed afterwards."
You let out a gasp, small enough that Harry may not have even noticed, but he clears his throat and squeezes your hand tighter.
"It was nothing, YN."
"Except it wasn't." You utter, another tear trickling down your cheeks, this time not for a potentially good reason. It hurts. It still hurts to think about. Even though Harry's memory was gone, and even though he was confused, it still happened. It still meant something to him at that moment. You saw it, and you felt it. And that meant something to you. That meant heartbreak.
"I was confused!" He exclaims, placing his finger under your chin to bring your eyes up to his. There's still sadness in them. "I love you, YN. Only you. I promise."
"I love you too, Harry." You utter, without hesitation, and you see a grin begin to form across his face. "I never stopped loving you."
The grin disappears, and he closes his eyes, letting a tear escape just as you had moments before.
"I know you didn't… know… or mean to hurt me. But now I know how that feels…" You clear the lump in your throat, attempting to hold back the sobs that are threatening to burst out. "I know what it feels like… to lose you."
You can't hold back, and the sobbing starts. Warmth wraps around you as Harry's arms do, now sitting right beside you and pulling you into his chest. You so desperately wish that you could feel all the pain melt away in his embrace.
"I'm here, Cupcake." He whispers, kissing your head, and leaving dampness from his own tears in your hair. He pulls back and grabs your cheeks with his palms, his gaze flickering between your eyes as they stare back at him. They move to your lips and instantly you feel the pressure of his against them. A whimper escapes you, but as your lips are still connected, you frown. Was it out of passion, or pain? It didn't feel perfect, like it usually does. Then thoughts flash before you, yet again, and you pull away.
"I… can't." You utter, being tortured by the image of Harry leaning in to Tabitha, and looking at her longingly. You would do absolutely anything to erase that from your own memory. You would do anything to make the pain from the past several weeks be healed by this moment. It should be. This is everything you've wanted. But maybe your heart is too broken to receive it. "I love you. But I can't."
"YN, please." He whimpers back, and you recognize that both yours and his have been out of pain. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I'll do whatever it takes to make this right. I love you. I love you, YN. Tell me what you need, and I'll give it to you!"
You stay silent. You had not even thought it would come to this. This moment was supposed to be a lot different. You don't even know what you need, because you didn't prepare for this. You didn't think you'd need to. And now, you gain a little more sympathy for Harry. He was so confused, as you are now. You, in fact, may be on an entirely other level, since you actually know that you love Harry but can't seem to agree to be with him again. At least his excuse was that he didn't remember you.
"Time." You reply. You hate that word was your response. Harry needed time and look where it led you. Heartbroken. "I need time. To clear my head."
"Are you… still leaving?" He mumbles, causing your heart to squeeze tight. You hate that this has become so complicated, so painful.
"Yeah. Just for a bit." You respond, suddenly more conflicted than you've ever been before. But this will be good. You need this. "I just need… time. I'm sorry."
"S'okay, YN." He answers immediately, throwing you off guard. He really meant it when he said he will give you whatever you need. He didn't fight it, which is actually the reaction you need at this moment.
He kisses your forehead one last time and stands up from the couch, and you quickly join as you walk him to the front door. He stops as he grabs the door handle, a familiar action of hesitation that you've become accustomed to doing recently.
He turns around slowly, gently grasping your hands into his and kissing the knuckles of both, going over each more than once.
"But I won't give up on us." He whispers, sending a once distant feeling sparking through your body. "You're the love of my life, Cupcake. I won't give up unless you tell me to."
•••
As you lay on the couch, curled up into Harry's body, with the last episode of 'Friends' playing on the television, you look up and see his index finger over his lips.
"I think those airport scenes are a bit cheesy."
"What?" You pull back and gasp. "You're, like, the biggest fan of rom-coms and romantic gestures!"
He shrugs and looks down at you with a smirk, rolling his eyes.
"Dunno, just seems unreasonable." He shrugs, kissing your lips and hovering just in front of them as you feel his warm breath breeze against your skin. "But I'd do it for you, if I had to."
"Well, you won't." You whisper back, brushing the tip of your tongue against him.
He lunges forward, pushing you down onto the couch as he hovers over you, his cross necklace dangling down like a hypnotizing pendulum. Even though he is mesmerizing all on his own.
"Good." He replies, a sultry tone to his voice. He bites his lips and softly runs his hand up from your hip, pushing under your shirt, and stopping just at your ribcage. Your breathing becomes rapid, and a heat rushes to your core, as his fingertips graze your skin.
Suddenly a tingle ignites and your body begins to squirm as he tickles your most tender spot, causing you to squeal out giggles between labored breaths.
"Harry! Stop!" You laugh, doing your best to push him away, aware that your attempts are wasted. "Stop or I'll change my mind!"
"Don't you dare!" He growls, and you open your eyes to see a mischievous smirk on his face. He picks up the pace of his motions as you writhe under his body. Not that you mind too much. To be honest, it's one of your favorite places to be, besides in his arms. "Please take it back."
You manage a nod, catching your breath as he props himself up on his palms.
"Harry…" You breathe out, running your hands over the strong arms you can only ever feel safe in. "I can't picture a time that I'd ever want to leave you."
It's been a week since your talk with Harry, and as you look at your plane ticket, and the faces of your closest friends, you wonder if you're doing the right thing.
"Just leave already, Didi! Fuck!" Adhira snaps, crossing her arms and rejecting your attempt for a hug.
"Harsh." You respond, knowing full well that she isn't actually trying to be rude.
"Yeah, well, I feel abandoned." She replies, scoffing as the words leave her lips. You grab her arms anyway and pull her in, smiling as you feel hers wrap around you anyway.
"You're acting like I'm headed to South Africa or something!" You exclaim, looking around to see the solemn gazes of Steven, Gemma, and Anne as well.
"You're joking, right?" Gemma growls. "You're moving away! Doesn't matter where. We won't see you!"
"I'm going to visit… to… test it out. I haven't decided yet…" You quietly reply, unsure if your words were heard through the busy airport.
"Yeah, but we know that once you put your mind to something, it's most likely gonna happen." Adhira argues, crossing her arms back in front of her chest like a toddler who has been told not to eat cookies before dinnertime.
You let out a deep exhale and try to keep your composure among the thousands of people bustling around you. You thought being without Harry would be the hardest thing you'd have to do, but this is definitely competing for that spot. At least a close second.
"I'll be back in three weeks. Okay?" You open your arms up for a big group hug.
Once you let go, Anne pulls you in again, kissing your temple and resting her chin on your shoulder.
"You always have us, YN. Alright?" She whispers in your ear, and you rest your face in the crook of her neck. "And I'm sorry."
"For what?" You whisper back, pulling yourself out of the embrace closest in resemblance to Harry's.
"I couldn't find him this morning." She replies, momentarily dropping her gaze. She looks up to you with sadness in her eyes, almost as if it's for both you and Harry. It makes sense, and you're just so grateful for all the love she's given you throughout the years, especially these last couple of months. "I thought he'd come."
"It's okay Anne." You reply, making the statement more for her comfort than your own, considering you're not sure how much you believe it.
You give one more round of hugs, assuring Adhira you'll be back, encouraging Steven to draw up some of his own designs for new clients while you're gone, promising Gemma you'll keep in touch, and thanking Anne for everything she's done.
As you make your way up the escalator and to the security checkpoint, you turn back around, scanning the blurry faces of your loved ones through your tear-filled eyes. Your heart sinks a little and you realize you did have some hope that Harry would come. Even if it wasn't to convince you to stay, you thought he would at least say goodbye.
Maybe he didn't want to give you time. Maybe he did give up.
~~~~~
Series Masterlist
~~~~~
If you like what I post, and want to just send some extra support, I have a ko-fi account. Even the smallest amount is greatly appreciated. There is no obligation or expectation to donate, because I am honestly just so grateful that you're here! 💗 Bee xx
~~~~~
Overall Taglist: @watermelonsugacry @tw1nflamebruis3 @hopefulwastelandcreation @tenaciousperfectionunknown @that-daydream-look @queenmadi2 @runway-to-my-aid @theekyliepage @be-yourss @harryistheonlyoneforme @b-reads-things @behindmygreyeyes @michellekstyles @a-strange-familiar @yousunshineyoutempter @buckybarnessimpp @little-freak-satellite @msolbesg @sleutherclaw @katiebaxterrrrrr @percysaidnever @thatbitch2828 @mrspeacem1nusone @thurhomish @sushiabby @woanderry @harrystylesrecs @vickiii17 @itsbebeyyy @divalovesyou @bxbyysstuff @jessitpwk @sunshinemoonsposts @theroosterswife24 @boybands-baseball @austynparksandpizza @missmielyhoran @harryspirate @qualitygiantshoepsychic @tiaamberxx @matildasatellite @fool4him @cherryshouse @yatebe-kohayu @perfectzinenerdperson @babyiamperfectforyou