Your Memory Isn't Terrible, I Promise
Okay, please hear me out. This is NOT a post shaming you for not being able to remember anything. It is, in fact, the opposite. There will be no “Just try harder and you’ll do better! :) :)” type of nonsense advice.
Here’s the true root of the problem - it’s not that you have a bad memory. If you have ADHD, it’s most likely that you didn’t truly absorb the information that you were supposed to remember in the first place. Or it’s that you have so much external stimuli bombarding your brain, you can’t pull out the piece of information hidden in your mind when you need it because it’s buried under a ton of other things coming at you in the moment. And now you’re probably thinking “Uhh, okay cool but that’s still not helpful!!!???”
I used to constantly forget things. IMPORTANT things. A weekly meeting, doctors appointments, assignments - you name it and I’ve lost it in this grey matter behind my eyes. And then someone would mention it out of frustration or concern (usually both) and I would gasp, hate myself or just be completely shocked. The worst feeling is when you realized you knew something but your brain didn’t supply it until far after it was needed. I can’t number the amount of times someone has said “Em, did you know about this?” and a hot feeling of shame would pour over me because I did, in fact, know but had just completely forgotten. And it’s hard using the phrase “I’m so sorry, I completely forgot!” over and over again without skepticism from neurotypical people. “How is that possible?” they would wonder aloud as a I scrambled to make amends. Does this sound like a familiar scene?
So this is what I did about it - it might work for you, or maybe it will spark an idea of some things that are helpful.
First - names. I used to be the WORST with names. I’ve literally forgotten my cousin’s name while introducing him to a friend. I once read that if you said a person’s name three times during a conversation, you would remember it later. I couldn’t usually make it that far because the name would drop out of my head as soon as I would hear it, so I came up with another method. When someone tells me their name, I look them in the eyes and repeat it in my head three or four times. It took some time to train my brain to consciously grasp the information as it was being given to me instead of a panic of 1,000 other distracting thoughts, but I got into the habit. If I’m meeting a group of people, like clients or a team on the first day of work, I try a different tactic. When the name is mentioned, I repeat their name mentally with an unchanging feature. It will be something like this “Cindy - blonde, Cindy - blonde, Cindy - blonde”. If it’s a natural opening, I’ll make a point to speak their name out loud. “Cindy, it’s so lovely to meet you.” This helps cement it in my mind and makes sure that I’m consciously absorbing the information.
Next - write everything possible down. Smartphone notes are the greatest modern invention. If someone is telling me an important detail, I write it down immediately. Telling yourself you will remember it later is our favorite lie - don’t fall for it! Don’t be afraid of taking an extra moment or of people thinking you’re distracted - they actually love it. I will always say “Give me a moment, I’m just making a note of that in my phone.” and they are delighted that you’re showing that you heard them and the information is important enough to record. Again, it has the added benefit of forcing my brain to record the information instead of being distracted by external forces. It’s also a proven fact that if you write something down, even if you don’t read it again later, it reinforces that moment in your memory. And if you realize that your mind wandered while they were talking and you didn’t catch what you needed, writing something down is a great excuse to get them to repeat themselves without feeling as if you’re annoying them.
Now, you’ve put the facts into your brain - but how do you pull them out again? This one is a bit more tricky, and it has more to do with how your ADHD brain processes information. See, our brains are more controlled by external stimuli than neurotypical people. One theory is that ADHD was developed evolutionarily because the humans who could take in the most stimuli around them were more likely to notice and react to threats than neurotypical people, and therefore live longer. This was great while hunting on the savanna and far less helpful in a class lecture or corporate meeting. ADHD brains are great at reacting to what is right in front of us, but any stress - like being put on the spot to answer a question or being surprised by seeing an acquaintance out shopping - makes extra information harder to retrieve. When your body feels stress, it starts wanting to deal with it’s immediate needs and shoves everything else away.
To counteract this, I’ve found consistent practice of mediation very helpful. When I get the feeling I’m forgetting something important, I take a moment to calm my body and sort through my thoughts until the essential information begins to surface. The best way to explain it is that it feels like unravelling a crocheted scarf - if I can find the right thread to pull, everything else follows. “Okay, but I don’t have time to meditate in the middle of the grocery store when I can’t remember why I’m here!” you may be thinking now. I get it, and you’re right. The process I’m talking about should take just a moment. Consistent meditation practice will help you learn not to clear your mind, but instead evaluate and focus on specific thoughts. You know there is something important, and you start pulling threads until you find the right one. “Okay, I’m in the grocery store, and I know I’m forgetting something but what? What actions have I done today that could spark a memory? I was with my daughter earlier, and she has school tomorrow, is it something with that? Yes, she needs a packed lunch for her field trip! And if she has a field trip, she needs some sunscreen too and I need to remember to make sure her form is in her backpack. Lunch, sunscreen, form.”
The combination of meditation practice and writing everything down has changed the way I remember things and made me feel so much better about myself. Let me know if there are any other helpful memory tricks you use!
