#menards dude

[dinosinthedark]

How can someone see you for everything you are, see exactly how you are as a person, your mistakes, your true self and still stand there and love you? How can someone look at you and know you so completely and still want you? Still desire to have you around? How can you hurt someone and they look at you knew that this would happen and still want to have you be a dominant part of their life?

"Maybe you just need to take a five minute break from life and get your shit straight."

Maybe I do. I guess that's what I'm doing...

[deedahleet]

I wanted you in a way that I knew was wrong. I wanted to feel your tongue hot as fire against my skin. There are things in life that hurt. There are things in life that when they hurt it feels right. Like a punishment that is deserved. I guess where I'm at this wasn't how things should go, but it felt like exactly what I needed.

[deedahleet]

The end of something pleasant. Timer ran out on Menards dude. Which is fiiinnnnneee. Lind of expected it to. But you know. Was hoping for more. Now to get my damn head in the game.

[deedahleet]

Absolutely dont know what it is. But car sex with Menards dude is rocking. No idea why. I hate car sex! I hate rushed sex! I honestly don't know. But like literally did that and wow. My whole body is cleansed. Hahaha.

[deedahleet]

Slightly anxious about tomorrow. It'll be a busy day, I'll be running around. Also am suppose to meet with Menards dude, but it has been called off before. So not sure if this will happen again or not.

Me and SO are fighting, but not entirely. Just a lot happening, and not having the time and energy for each other. Sucks.

[dinosinthedark]

CAN I JUST STOP BEING SO ANGRY AND CONFLICTED

[dinosinthedark]

For anyone curious. Basically, crushing on a coworker, ended up fucking them in the backseat of their car. Broke some rules of my relationship. So V is kind of disappointed in me, and yet still knows exactly who I am, guessed that i fucked Menards dude, before I even told him..

Then I'm like in self destruct mode, I am making silly purchases, screwing that dude, making mistakes with work related things. Also it kind of feels like I know I'm making mistakes but that I'm just throwing my hands up and not stopping myself... I legit know, and yet am still doing it?

So I basically took today for myself, and just hung out with a friend, went to antique stores with him. Then kind of just cleaned the house up a bit. But have a lot more left to do. But making some steps to get back on track. I absolutely have terrible mental health and need to get some better skills to deal with this stuff.

[dinosinthedark]

What the fuck is wrong with me?? This self sabotage on every aspect of my life is bullshit and I seriously need to get my fucking act together...