This is my first time writing anxceit, so I’d love to hear what you think!
When Janus finds Virgil alone in the common room, sobbing and struggling to breathe, the scene can’t help but feel achingly familiar. He’s been in this position so many times, seeing Virgil at his most vulnerable – but it’s been years.
So much has gone on since then, so much has changed. Bridges have been burned, at least that’s what it can’t help but feel like. Janus has seen hostility and bitterness and little else from Virgil for so long; it’s not completely unjustified, either, not nearly. He would do anything to keep Janus from seeing him like this now, Janus is sure of it.
But regardless, he’s found him. And he needs to act.
“Virgil, hey, hey,” Janus says quickly, crouching in front of Virgil sat on the couch, hugging his knees and trembling so hard, “Hey, it’s alright. Do you need me to get you, someone? Do you need Patton? Logan? Roman?”
Janus supposes perhaps Virgil wouldn’t do anything to keep him from being seen this way, just most things. Because as impossible as it often seems, something’s been established between them in the last few months. What it is, Janus can’t possibly say. But he can assess with confidence that whatever it is, it’s raw, and it’s fragile, and it feels moment from breaking each day.
He doesn’t think he can call them friends. Friends don’t have this much built-up hostility, at least not healthy relationships. Friends don’t look at each other that way, sizing one another up, guessing who might strike first. Janus remembers when they were friends. More than friends, even.
But whatever it is that they are, things have shifted. Virgil was not initially thrilled to know of Janus being on the road to acceptance; “not thrilled” doesn’t even begin to remotely cover it. He does everything that Janus expects – expresses that he can’t be trusted, that this is a terrible idea, etc. etc. But then, he does something Janus would never have entertained the idea of: he gives in.
It isn’t immediate, and it doesn’t irradiate years of troubled history, but it happens. Virgil decides, with time, that if Thomas wants to trust Janus, if he wants him in his corner, then okay. He can work with that. He can handle it. Janus is very sure this decision is what begins to smooth things over with him and Roman – not to say they’re still exactly on the best of terms. But Virgil, to some extent, gives his apprehensive blessing.
Slowly, Janus takes up more of Thomas’s life. He participates in conversations, engages in debates. Virgil’s by no means his biggest fan, and for a while, he avoids him, leaves the room when Janus enters. But that doesn’t last.
With time, Virgil peaks out of his shell more and more. He speaks to Janus directly, their conversations not consisting of pure bitterness, though it is certainly a major component. Virgil doesn’t hiss every time Janus enters a room, doesn’t complain when he joins them for movie night, doesn’t express his distaste for him at every given opportunity. This isn’t what he’d expected of the anxious side, and Janus doesn’t know how to feel. On the one hand, he’s gaining acceptance, building stronger relationships with the light sides. Even Remus hangs around with them, sometimes, which is nice. Remus was the only one Janus had for so long. On the other hand, memories can’t help but crop up. Janus reminisces far more than is healthy, remembering the way things once were. He finds himself waking up in a cold sweat some nights, caught in the disillusionment of dreams. Sometimes, he expects to wake in Virgil’s arms, the thought always foolish, always heartbreaking.
And now, here they are, and Virgil is having a panic attack.
“Virgil,” Janus repeats, just slightly louder, trying to push through the cobwebs of the emo’s mind, “Do you need me to get you, someone? Do you want me to find one of the others?”
Virgil shakes his head, tears running down his cheeks, smudging his eyeshadow. It isn’t the answer Janus was expecting but, okay, he can roll with this.
“Do you want me to help?”
If Virgil says no, Janus is sure he’ll have no choice but to wake one of the other sides and have them offer their assistance. Despite what others might think of him, Janus is not a monster, and he can’t find it in himself to so much as imagine leaving Virgil alone in the state that he’s in.
Virgil nods. …huh. He actually wants his help. Imagine that.
Shit. Okay, okay, this is fine. Janus has done this a million times before – it’s been quite a while, but still. He’s got this.
“Can I touch you?” Janus asks softly, making sure he doesn’t kneel too close to Virgil. He doesn’t want him to feel boxed in. Virgil shakes his head fiercely, pushing his back further into the couch.
“Okay,” Janus says, holding his hands up as if to say, it’s okay, I’m not going to touch you, I’m not going to hurt you.
Janus couches Virgil through breathing exercises, offering as much support as he’s able. He checks in often: “Is this okay? You’re doing so good, Virgil. So good. Come now, it’s alright. You’ll be alright. That’s right, in and out, just like that. That’s very good.”
It’s wrong, how natural this feels, even now. It has to be wrong; Janus decides. Virgil hasn’t been much of a part of his life in so long, and now here they are, interacting like nothing’s ever been bitter between them.
I’d help any of the sides like this, if they needed it, Janus thinks to himself, trying to rationalize away the pit in his stomach, it doesn’t make it any different that it’s Virgil I’m helping. But even he can’t believe that lie.
It takes a while, but eventually, Janus helps him reach a calmer state. He offers Virgil a makeup wipe to remove the rest of the smudges on his cheeks, and a glass of water. Virgil takes the glass silently, his hands still trembling, and then the wipe, removing his eyeshadow. It’s the first time Janus has seen him without makeup in years, and the bags under his eyes reach nearly as far as the eyeshadow usually does.
“Are you feeling any better?” Janus asks, finally breaking the silence.
“Y-yeah,” Virgil says, his voice a little raw, a little wobbly, “I’m fine.”
“Fine” probably isn’t the right descriptor, not right now, but Janus doesn’t call him on it.
“That’s good to hear. I’m glad you’re doing better.”
Tension settles over the pair, heavy and intrusive. Janus shouldn’t let it surprise him, but he is. He tries not to keep his eyes trained on Virgil, scanning over the walls, the kitchen. But when he can’t help himself, when he catches sight of Virgil, he looks so damn tired.
“Dec–,” Virgil starts, pausing halfway through as their eyes meet, and swallowing down the word, “Janus… thank you.”
Janus doesn’t miss the way he struggles with his name, has been struggling with his name, but he’s saying it. He isn’t calling him Deceit, or snake, two-faced, or any other less than polite things. He’s just… calling him by his name. It’s nice. It’s been so long.
“Of course,” Janus says, still keeping his distance. “Did… did you want me to give you some space now? Or take you back to your room?” Janus has to bite his tongue to keep himself from saying ‘I don’t want to overstep.’
“No, I – you don’t have to go. If you don’t want to.” Virgil’s words are anxious and quiet, but that doesn’t hinder the fact that it’s so clear Virgil doesn’t want to be alone. He wants Janus’s company, even after he’s been calmed down, and that’s… god, it’s a lot to process.
“Alright,” Janus says, pausing a moment before sitting down on the sofa beside him, albeit a distance away, “Virgil, are… are you okay?”
Virgil snorts, but the sound lacks much humor.
“Uh, no. I thought that was obvious?” Janus sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Right, how stupid of me. Let me rephrase; why aren’t you okay? What’s wrong?” And then, he caught the look of terror in Virgil’s eyes. “Only if you want to tell me, of course. You don’t have to.”
“Why’re you doing that?” Janus blinks.
“I’m sorry?”
“Being so nice,” Virgil clarifies, wringing his hands, his eyes everted, “Why’re you being so fucking accommodating? Why’re you being so… I dunno, gentle?”
“Would you prefer I was ravenous? Is uncaring and cruel more your style? Because last I checked, it wasn’t.”
“Don’t be an asshole; you’re avoiding the question.”
“An asshole? Why Virgil, you wound me. Just a moment ago you referred to my behavior as ‘gentle.’” Virgil lets out a sigh, long and exhausted, the look in his eyes so soft it sends a shiver down Janus’s spine.
“Janus. Please, just – just answer the question. I’m too tired for this shit.”
It’s the ‘please’ that really gets him. Virgil isn’t begging, but he’s damn close, and Janus doesn’t want to see that. He doesn’t want Virgil to beg, pleading for answers. In all fairness, he doesn’t want to answer, either. But what choice has he got?
“You were having a panic attack,” Janus says, his voice smooth and to the point (at least he hopes it comes across that way), “I walked into the common room, and you were alone, having a panic attack. So I helped you.”
“But this isn’t a new thing. You’ve been being nice to me for weeks. Months, maybe. Even… even when I was avoiding you.” Janus sucks in a breath. Of course, he knew Virgil had been avoiding him, but he hadn’t expected an admission. “Why?”
“Your behavior was… understandable. I know we’ve not always been on the best of terms.”
“And we are now?” Janus sighs.
“I didn’t say that. You must forgive me for trying to salvage what I can.”
It’s hard to dial down the sarcasm sometimes when he isn’t paying attention, and now certainly isn’t the time for it. still, it’s very late, and the tension is overwhelming, and it’s a crutch Janus has relied on for quite some time. Virgil too, he remembers. He isn’t the only sarcastic prick in the room.
“I didn’t… god, I’m not saying you shouldn’t try. I-it’s kind of nice, that you are. I mean, I don’t know, man, I –.”
“You’ve been trying, too. Don’t think I haven’t caught on. We’re on speaking terms, after all. And that wasn’t the case weeks ago.”
“Y-yeah, well, I kind of have to, right? If Thomas is cool with you hanging around, and the others are. I’ve gotta make an effort, or whatever.”
“But you don’t,” Janus counters, “You could still be entirely hostile towards me if you so desired to do so. I really wouldn’t blame you. You don’t have to try either, but you are.” Virgil quiets, a look of contemplation settling over his face before he nods slowly.
“Yeah… I mean, I guess so. Hey, what were you doing out here in the middle of the night, anyway? I thought you’d be getting your beauty rest.”
Truthfully, that isn’t a question Janus had been expecting. He doesn’t really have an answer, either. At least not something that made much sense.
“I just… I had a feeling, okay?”
In all fairness, it’s true. Janus had woken up with the slightest inclination that something was off. He didn’t know what it was, or why it was bothering him so much, but he couldn’t stop himself from walking into the commons room, just to check things out, to explain that odd feeling. And then, there had been Virgil.
“You had a feeling?” Virgil asks flatly, “What the hell does that mean?”
“Are – are you sure you’re not too tired? Because, if you are, we can consider this conversation later. We –.”
“Janus stop it. Cut the bullshit and stop fucking lying.”
“I’m not lying,” Janus says softly, making a show of clenching and unclenching his knuckles, “See? The gloves are off.” Virgil’s eyes widen, and huh, he must not have noticed Janus’s lack of gloves until now.
“Holy shit,” he breathes the words out like it’s the most shocking thing he’s ever seen, “I don’t – I mean, I can’t remember the last time I saw you without your gloves on.” Janus shrugs.
“It’s not a big deal.”
“Like hell, it’s not. You’ve always been weird about it. You never let anyone see your hands except…” Virgil pauses, his eyes grazing over the scales on Janus’s left hand. He sucks in a breath. “Except me.”
“It’s still you,” Janus says like it’s not groundbreaking, “I didn’t figure anyone else would be out here. And, I don’t sleep with them on, you know.”
“I know.”
“I’m… I’m trying to be more open, alright? Hard to believe, I know. Seeing as I’m usually such an open book.”
Virgil can’t help it; he giggles. It’s a turbulent sound, still riddled with anxiety, with uncertainty. But he does it all the same.
“Right,” he says sarcastically, “Same. I just love talking about my feelings and all that shit.” Janus squints at him in mock offense, pressing a hand over his chest.
“Excuse me? Are you stealing my bit? Lying is my schtick, not yours, stormcloud.”
Oh. He didn’t mean to say it; he can’t have meant to say it.
“What’s the matter? Virgil what’s – oh. Oh, I’m, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean – I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. I shouldn’t have said that.” Janus gasps as he suddenly feels Virgil’s hand in his.
“It’s okay. I was just… surprised, for a sec. But it’s okay.”
“Virgil…”
“You want to know why I was freaking out?” It feels like a trick question. Is Janus allowed to ask? It doesn’t seem like something Virgil’s happy to share, but… he asked, right? Janus hates this, the self-doubt he’s facing. It’s not like him to be so uncertain.
“I want you to tell me whatever you’re comfortable sharing.”
“Do you want to know?” Janus sighs.
“…yes.”
“I was thinking about you,” Virgil says softly, his eyes widening when he catches sight of the look on Janus’s face. “Shit – no, no it’s nothing bad! I mean – kind of, but you didn’t do anything.”
“Thinking about me spurred on a panic attack? How is that ‘nothing bad’? How can that possibly be ‘nothing bad’?” Panic bubbles in Janus’s throat, and it takes Virgil squeezing his hand to quiet him, that look of dread not leaving his eyes.
“I… okay, this is going to sound stupid. But –.”
“Yes?” Janus asks, desperation scraping up his throat.
“I was thinking about how things have been… different. Which, uh, is a good thing. To be clear.”
“A good thing made you have a panic attack?”
Virgil exhales sharply, looking at Janus. It’s strange, seeing him without his hat and gloves, his hat fluffy and just a little ruffled from sleep. His pajamas are silky and black and gold because, of course, they are. Virgil would expect nothing else. He hasn’t looked at Janus like this, so softly and introspective in… god, he doesn’t know. A damn long time.
The resentment hasn’t burned away, not completely. The memories of lies still linger. “I’m just trying to protect you. To keep you safe!” And maybe he was, but it still hurt. Still does, sometimes. But not like it used to. These wounds haven’t healed completely, but they're old. Fading all the time.
“I got overwhelmed. I was thinking about how we’re talking again, and you’re hanging around a lot more lately and – and I freaked out.”
“Why?” Janus asks. His voice is so raw that it hurts. Virgil shuts his eyes, though his grip on the deceitful side’s hand doesn’t lessen.
“Because it makes me think about how things used to be,” Virgil admits in a whisper so soft it’s almost inaudible, “I think about us years ago. Do… do you ever do that? Think about the past?”
“Yes,” Janus chokes out, struggling to keep himself from saying more. From saying, ‘Yes, all the time. Every day. I miss you more than anything. I wake up with your name on my lips. Come back to me. Please, come back to me.’ “Yes, I do.”
“I… I shouldn’t have left you guys without saying anything.” Janus blinks, feeling pressure building behind his eyes, and no, he won’t cry. He won’t.
“Virgil you- you don’t have to do this.”
“Yeah. I do. I left you, I left Remus. And I didn’t say anything. I was just so tired, Jan. I was so fucking tired, and – and scared, and I didn’t know what to do. And things were complicated with us, I mean, they still are but I – well, you know. So… so I left. I’m sorry for that. I’m so sorry, Janus.”
Janus has dreamed of this moment. He’s dreamed of it forever and ever, but now that it’s happening it’s so much.
“I still stand by some of it. You did some shitty stuff; you lied to me too much. I hated that. You know I hated that. But… I was an asshat too. I have been an asshat, even when you’ve been trying to make things right. I’m sorry.”
It takes a lot for Virgil to apologize, Janus knows it does. And here he is, exhausted, and emotional and more open than Janus has seen him in so long, just laying it all out. It’s… it’s amazing.
“It’s alright,” Janus finds himself saying, “Of course, it’s alright. Remus will say the same thing. I know you two haven’t always – haven’t always been on great terms. I know he terrorized you more often than not. But – but he misses you. Very much.”
That, it seems, is the breaking point. Tears spring from Janus’s eyes and he lets out a choked sob, his hand retracting from Virgil and covering his mouth instinctively, as though to shut himself up. Only then is Janus aware of the fact that he’s trembling.
“I-I –,” Janus tries to push past the lump in his throat, to say “me too,” to say, “I’ve missed you terribly.” But all he can manage is tears. Janus hates the weakness he can’t help but exhibit; he hasn’t cried like this in ages.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay. Can I hold you? Would that be okay?” Janus nods furiously, gasping as he feels Virgil’s arms around him. It’s edging on awkward, Virgil’s hugs always have been, but it’s home and Janus never wants to be anyplace else. He buries his face in the crook of Virgil’s neck, clinging to him fervently.
He doesn’t know how their roles could have been reversed so drastically. Moments ago, he was talking Virgil down from a panic attack, and now. Now Virgil’s rubbing circles into his back, slow and gentle, and whispering words of encouragement that don’t quite make it through in Janus’s frantic state of mind. But it’s nice, knowing he’s reassuring him and holding him just as tight.
“I’m- I’m sorry,” Janus pants weakly the moment he finds his voice, his face still buried in the warmth of Virgil’s neck, “For everything. I’m s-so sorry for everything, stormcloud.”
“It’s okay,” Virgil says. It’s a promise. Not a pretty lie; he means it. “It’s gonna be okay, Jan. I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” Janus says, as passionately as he can, so that he can prove without a shadow of a doubt that it’s true, “I’ve missed you desperately.”
They sit like that for a long while, clung to each other, Janus’s tears still steadily falling. But after a while, things die down.
“There you are,” Virgil says reverently when Janus finally peaks up from where his face was hidden. He can feel the human side of his face growing flushed as Virgil cups his cheeks.
“Can… can I – ?” Virgil begins to ask before Janus’s lips are on his, a pair of hands caught in his hair. Virgil reciprocates quickly, hands settling on Janus’s shoulders, and then his sides, and in his hair, too.
It’s by no means a perfect embrace; nothing about this situation is. But it’s theirs, and it’s real, and it’s all Janus has wanted for so, so long.
“We’ll try again. We can do that, can’t we?” Virgil asks, pulling away just slightly, his breath still hot against Janus’s face.
“Yes,” Janus agrees quickly, maybe too quickly, he doesn’t care, “That’s all I want.”
“Me too,” Virgil says, smiling tiredly. Janus clings to him like he might disappear if he lets go, even for a moment. But this isn’t a fleeting dream. Not anymore.
“I love you,” Virgil says, “I… I don’t know if I ever really stopped.”
“I love you, too,” Janus whispers like it’s a prayer. Like it’s the holiest thing that he could speak aloud. “I love you, Virgil.”
They’ll talk more in the morning. They’ll talk in detail about the trust that remains, the love that they still hold for one another, even after all this time, and the things they’ve got to work through. But for now, they hold onto one another, exhaustion finally fully settling in.
Sleep comes quickly, and they lie there on the sofa, a tangle of limbs. For the first time in a long time, both Janus and Virgil sleep peacefully.
This should be the best part of the year for Virgil. And he is determined not to let collector change that.
The next day, Virgil was determined to put everything behind him. For at least the next 48 hours he would not think about the collector. It was his birthday tomorrow and Wednesday Halloween would be here. This was his favorite time of year. He would not let it be ruined by some wierdo. He was even going to be at the Halloween dance this year. His lunch group was going as a collective, to take the pressure off for everyone to find a date. Which was a good thing. Otherwise Virgil might have felt the need to ask Roman if they could go together and he’d probably chicken out and ask him as a friend or something. They were still going as friends, but there wasn’t an embarrassing conversation that prefaced these plans. And who knew? Virgil might find the courage to ask Roman for a dance. But that was something to worry about Friday.
After dinner, Patton had a surprise for Virgil.
“Virgil… Over the summer, I asked you a question, and you said I should ask again after living with you for a while. A few months have passed, so I want to ask again. Can I adopt you?”
Virgil was stunned. Many thoughts ran through his head. Mainly excitement. Patton had very quickly become a dad to him. As if he was always meant to be part of the family. Having him actually commit to being his legal guardian, especially now that Virgil knew for a fact that Patton was aware of the mess Virgil and his dad were in… He didn’t need to be worry he’d change his mind if he found out.
“I did all the work. All that’s left to do is sign a few papers tomorrow… But only if you want me to sign,” Patton clarified, taking Virgil’s silence as reluctance somehow. Virgil made quick work off that misunderstanding by hugging Patton. “Of course I want you to be my pops Pat! Thank you!” he assured him. This news and Patton’s insistence on making it official on Virgil’s birthday so the adoption day would match helped immensely in clearing Virgil’s mind of anything else.
Even when his parents had to leave to work on the project aka go to the GTH to track down Collector or help Prince in some way, he didn’t feel the need to go out on the street. He deserved a relaxing night in. He had to take some time to really process the things he and Pikani talked about yesterday anyway.
He started his evening by calling Janus. He hadn’t talked to him all week and after the past few days he needed to hear him. Especially since he heard… That name.
Luckily J didn’t keep him waiting. “Virgil, hi.” It sounded like he hadn’t been expecting his call. Which was kinda odd. He always made sure to call at least once a week.
“J! What’s up?” he asked, feeling himself relax upon hearing his friend’s voice.
“The usual,” J said, Virgil could almost see him shrug. “How are you? Everything okay?”
Maybe Virgil hadn’t been that good at calming himself down before calling. Or… Maybe his fears were right and Janus knew…
Not thinking about it now. “I’ve been better,” he admitted. “It’s been a weekend. But I am looking forward to next week! I feel like things are turning around for me you know?”
If his plan worked, if things went well when his parents talked to the teachers, if he managed to talk to J… things would be the way they should be soon. Pikani had warned him about wanting to fix everything by himself all the time, which was part of the reason why he had contacted the GTH. Still, he couldn’t entirely help the feeling that he should be doing something to help J out of the mess he worried he’d found himself in.
“Hanging out with Roman really softened you up? Since when are you so optimistic?” Janus chuckled, making Virgil smile a little, hopeful that he was just paranoid.
“I’m not being optimistic,” he argued. “I’ve just really been through it lately so for the sake of balance or whatever I am due some good fortune right?” Virgil argued. “Besides… I had some fun news tonight, so things are already looking up.” Virgil’s smile widened at that.
“Oh? What’s that?” Janus asked.
“Patton asked if he could adopt me.” Virgil felt his cheeks starting to hurt from smiling so much.
“That’s great Virgil,” Janus offered.
“I can’t wait until you meet him,” Virgil told him earnestly. Sadly it didn’t have the effect he’d hoped for. “Yeah… Listen… I gotta go.” Virgil felt himself deflate at that. He’d hoped to remind Janus that he cared about him. “Oh… Okay. See you at school,” he said a little dejectedly.
“Yeah… See you later.” And then Janus was gone.
He wanted to believe that this was just because the principle would soon confer with both their teachers and their parents to see if it was a good time for them to rebuild their friendship.
This was something the adults had insisted on. Virgil had always planned to be the one to make that call though. And he wanted to tell Janus as much. But that was more of a face to face type of conversation in his opinion. As well as his discovery of Serpentine’s name. It couldn’t be a coincidence… And if it wasn’t, then his best friend might be in danger.
He hoped he was wrong and if he was, then there was no sense in putting the team on a false trail and have them waste their time. So he’d talk to J as soon as possible and they’d figure things out.
The next morning his parents stayed home a bit longer to wish him a happy birthday. When they left Virgil made it a point to address Patton as Pops and Logan as dad. Both smiled happily and gave him a tight hug.
He arrived early at his locker and since he had time he decided to start the week with organizing his locker quickly. The task wasn’t thought consuming enough to avoid his mind from wandering. He recalled how uncomfortable he’d felt walking to his bus stop that morning. He really didn’t want to be affected by what happened. But he’d been affected by the accidents, and he was definitely affected by the attack.
“Morning Virgil.” Roman’s greeting would’ve probably made him jump if he hadn’t been checking his surroundings every two seconds. He’d just managed to stop doing that and now he was back to where he started.
“Hi,” Virgil said, trying to smile convincingly as he closed his locker and heading to class hoping that he didn’t show where his thoughts had been. Roman’s eyes told him he was unsuccessful.
“Everything alright Virgil?” he wondered gently. “You sounded… Tense when you called Friday…” Ah. So he’d known all weekend.
Virgil sighed. “It’s… You aren’t allowed to blame yourself okay?” he whispered. He didn’t deserve it. It was Virgil’s stubbornness and Collector’s meddling that were to blame.
“Something happened on your way back,” Roman concluded. Okay, that wasn’t hard to figure out. Virgil kept staring at him sternly though.
“Alright. I won’t,” Roman nodded with a sigh.
Virgil kept looking for a moment until he felt sure he meant it. “Okay,” he nodded. He took a second to collect himself before he’d confess what happened. “I took a shortcut and someone tried to rob me. But I’m ok. Dream Prince saved me.” Virgil spoke fast and quite so Roman wouldn’t get the chance to worry over his wellbeing and no one would be able to overhear.
There was a pensive frown on Roman’s face as he nodded. “Ok. I’m glad you are unharmed. Is there any way I can help you feel more comfortable?”
Of course Roman would ask that. Virgil was about to dismiss the offer, but bit his lip. He probably should give himself a safeguard against making dumb reckless decisions. Besides, he didn’t want to have to deal with that feeling he had that morning ever again. Not if he could help it.
He let out a resigned sigh. “If it's no trouble… Is the offer for rides still open?”
Roman nodded without hesitation. “Of course! I will gladly escort you wherever you go! Just say the word!” he vowed formally before breaking out in a grin. “You know I’ll take any chance to make up for lost time,” he winked, making Virgil look down to avoid his gaze. He was definitely blushing.
They arrived at homeroom and when Virgil looked around, Janus wasn’t sitting behind him. Was he late? If he was that meant that Virgil would have to hope to run into him during the day if he wanted to talk.
Virgil hadn’t really mentioned his birthday, so he didn’t have to hear everyone give him birthday wishes, nor anyone offer him a birthday kiss. He liked it better this way. Maybe he’d be up to making a bigger deal out of it next year. But this year, he was really glad that virtually no one knew.
He was sketching during lunch, finishing designs for Roman’s uncle that would be presented to him in the upcoming weekend. Stacey and Fabio were debating over something and it was getting pretty intense, though Virgil was not paying attention. Stacey was trying to get the rest of the group involved but no one was biting.
A strange smell pulled Virgil’s attention away from his drawing. It was citrusy, but there was something very off about it.
He wasn’t sure what had happened, he just saw Roman push Stacy’s hand away before pulling his own back with a painful flinch. Virgil was already out of his seat to help Roman to the nurse when his roaming eyes found the boiling orange juice… Had Stacy just discovered she was gifted?
“I’m so sorry, Roman are you ok?” Stacy worried, clearly upset at what happened.
“It’ll be ok Stacy. I’ll look after him. You’re fine,” Virgil assured her hurriedly.
“Yes. I know you’d never hurt me on purpose Firefly. I’m in good hands,” Roman smiled, though it was clear he was in pain.
Virgil hurried him to the first bathroom he could find and held his hand under the water. As he did so he pondered his options. He was going to do something like this anyway… He would’ve liked to tell his parents first though. He’d planned on doing it tonight. But Roman was hurt now… He trusted Roman to keep it a secret for as long as needed.
He carefully let his healing touch spread over the burned skin. It was a familiar intimate feeling and if he hadn’t been so nervous about Roman’s reaction he’d probably have a bi panic right about now, wondering if it felt this intense for Roman too.
“Virgil?” Roman breathed surprised as his injury healed before their eyes.
“I haven’t told my parents about this yet,” he told him as he turned off the water and, after making sure he’d finished healing the burn, let go of Roman’s hand to dry off his own.
Roman stared at his hand fascinated as he moved it experimentally.
“Would you keep it a secret until I have?” Virgil asked, though he knew the answer already.
“I… Of course… Virgil… This is an amazing gift,” Roman told him awed.
Virgil shrugged, fighting a blush. “Not really. I mean it’s useful I guess. But nothing big or fancy.” That was the point after all.
“Agree to disagree. I always found subtle gifts quite charming,” Roman told him. God Virgil could not handle that soft and sincere tone when he said nice things about him.
“Well, now that I have you alone…” Virgil’s heart skipped a beat when he heard Roman say that. Was he about to confess romantic feelings to him? Ask him out? Call him out on something? Did he know something fishy was going on with him? Before he could panic, Roman reached into his bag and retrieved a nicely wrapped rectangular box.
“Happy birthday,” he smiled as he offered the present to him. Of course, Remus would’ve told him when Virgil’s birthday was. It wasn’t that hard to remember.
Still, the fact that Roman had spent money on him left him speechless.
“Before you open it,” Roman said a little rushed as Virgil took the box. “Remus and my parents all chipped in. So it might seem like a bit much but this is three gifts in one.”
His curiosity now truly piqued, Virgil opened the gift. It was a nice box and when he opened it he saw something shimmer, but his eye was drawn away by a familiar logo. It was of the company Virgil got all his costume supplies from. In a fancy font it listed that he could expect a mannequin 3 wigs and a generous amount of prosthetic makeup. “I don’t believe it,” he gasped, feeling excitement well up inside him as he thought of all the things he could do with these new toys.
“I noticed yours is getting a bit too well loved so…”
Virgil threw his arms around Roman without another thought. “Thanks Ro!” he grinned. “I have been postponing getting a new one for ages, and the wigs and… Thank you. Thank you so much.” Virgil let go of the hug, still clutching the box in his hand. “And I’ll be sue to thank Remus and your parents when I see them, but will you tell them for me tonight?” he asked.
“Gladly,” Roman assured him with a bow.
As they made their way to the gym Virgil looked back to the box, slowly realizing that it looked too nice to hold only a note. Looking at it, he realized that it was a jewelry box and that along the note, there was a stormcloud charm. He didn’t make a big deal out of it, but he was determined to find a nice chain so he could wear it every day.
They found Stacy pacing in front of the changing room. “Stace?” Virgil called out. Stacy looked up and hurried over. “Everything alright?” she pleaded, guilt evident on her face.
Roman grinned and showed her his unharmed hand. “It’s fine Stacey. I wasn’t injured after all. I must’ve pulled away just in time. Virgil insisted on making sure though. I am sorry to have worried you,” he assured her. Virgil wished Roman didn’t have to lie to his friends for him. But he was determined to have this secret out in the open come tomorrow morning. So he wouldn’t have to cover for him for long. “Really?” Stacy frowned confused as she inspected Roman’s hand.
“I could’ve sworn…” Roman chuckled. “Satisfied with your examination?” he teased.
Stacy let go and looked up at Roman. “I’m glad you are okay. But I’m definitely telling my parents about this, like tonight, and I’m going to start training at the GTH as soon as I can,” she promised.
“I do look forward to seeing what you can accomplish in the future. Don’t worry about it okay? And if anyone gives you trouble…”
“Just give us their name,” Virgil piped in. Knowing how important being supported in what made you different could be.
Stacy laughed. “Well, with you two on the case, I doubt anyone would dare even try,” she told them.
“I’ll be heading to class now.” And after exchanging a wave she was gone.
“We better hurry and get changed,” Virgil muttered nervously. He wasn’t as early as he’d like. They were kind of late actually. So on the bright side most of their classmates were probably already in the gym. On the other hand… He’d have to change with Roman in the room. As someone who was very self-conscious about his body, changing in front of his crush was extra terrifying. Though Virgil doubted anyone was very comfortable with that.
“Hey, I won’t look okay?” Virgil looked up surprised.
“I totally get not liking to change with others in the room. I always make sure not to look at anyone while changing since I don’t want others to be uncomfortable once they realize I’m gay. If you want I can take my uniform and change in the showers. Unless you’d rather go there…”
Virgil was kind of flattered Roman had noticed this about him.
“Um… Thanks,” he smiled a little awkwardly.
“No problem. The last thing I’d ever want to do is make you uncomfortable,” Roman promised.
Which was kind of funny. Prince had said something very similar that weekend.
The rest of the day, luckily, went by without any incident. Virgil chose not to stay after school that day. It was his birthday, he wanted to spend it with his parents. Celebrate that he now officially had two dads. And tell them that he had a gift. Or two, actually. He’d tell them about the very basics of his shield. That way Collector couldn’t even hope for a secondary gift to show up.
Sure, he still had value as BrainStorm’s son. But that was only important if Collector knew Brainstorm’s secret identity. And even if that were the case, there was little Virgil could do about it.
When Virgil got home his dads and uncle Thomas were already there, showing off a frame that held both his adoption certificates. He read them over for a moment with a fond smile.
“Virgil Logan Caleb Anker” was now officially son of both Logan Anker and Patton Bonaire.
They ate dinner in the living room while Virgil unpacked his presents.
He got a new drawing tablet from Logan and Patton. Uncle Thomas had gotten him a new sewing machine invoking the sweet sixteen card and his rights as a godfather to spoil his godson on occasion. Virgil was not complaining since his previous one had been kinda faulty even when he got it. When he showed them what he’d gotten from the Castile family they all shared a knowing look he decided to ignore.
“There’s another gift,” Logan informed him as he brought out a wrapped box from under the couch.
Virgil stilled. He recognized that wrapping paper. Without fault the Bullards always used the same paper for every gift, every year.
It was bittersweet to know that they wanted to be a part of this occasion even though they couldn’t be here. If Virgil had his way tough, they’d be celebrating thanks giving together. Back to normal.
When he took of the wrapping paper it revealed sewing supplies. Tons of colored threads and beads and sequins. Special pens and dyes for fabrics. And a card.
One of those musical cards that played happy birthday and had a sixteen pop out when you opened it, but there was a smaller envelope tucked inside as well that fell out.
Virgil picked it up and was in such a hurry to open it, he managed to cut himself.
He gasped, barely biting back a curse, and put his finger in his mouth. Well, this wasn’t how he planned telling his family about his gift. But it would be easier.
“Oh, gosh Virgil are you ok?” Patton asked worriedly as Logan got up, presumably to go get the first aid kit. Virgil released his finger. “Dad, wait, it’s fine see?” he objected as he showed his now healed finger.
Everyone stared for a moment. “Virgil,” uncle Thomas said. “Are you… Do you have a gift?”
Virgil suddenly felt rather embarrassed, as if he was caught sneaking a snack right before dinner.
“I mean… It’s nothing special. I didn’t even realize I did anything for a long while. I just… Scrapes and bruises heal pretty fast,” he explained. “And sometimes when I fall down or stuff like that, it doesn’t hurt as much. Really handy during dodgeball. It’s like a bit of cushioning?” He looked around tensely, unable to shake the feeling of being in trouble.
Then he saw, ever so subtly, tension leave Thomas and Patton’s bodies. Logan still seemed to be processing. Which was quite out of the ordinary. Usually his dad was pretty quick on the uptake. He wondered why this was so shocking. Was it merely disbelieve at good fortune? Knowing that Virgil was all taped out on gifts, that Collector wouldn’t be able to wrangle something out of him… Was that it?
“Dad… Are you mad?” he asked nervously.
Logan blinked confused. “No, of course not,” he assured him as he sat back down beside him and took his hand to study it. “Not even so much as a scar,” he muttered.
“How long have you been able to do this?” he asked.
Virgil knew this was coming and he felt kinda bad about the answer. “Not sure… I noticed it in middle school. It just never seemed worth mentioning,” he felt a little guilty about keeping yet another secret for so long. He knew it tended to upset his father when he discovered Virgil had been holding back stuff. “Recently I noticed that sometimes my friends heal up faster too though. And today… Roman got burned and when I took him to the bathroom for first aid… I tried it out and I managed to heal him. So… It seemed like time to tell people.”
When Virgil met his father’s eyes he was shocked at how proud he looked. There was even a shimmer of tears in his eyes. And then he was being hugged fiercely.
“I need you to know, that I never cared either way. That this is the way your gift manifested is confirmation of what I knew all along. You are a very special young man. Your parents would have been so proud,” Logan told him softly before letting go. Virgil smiled up at him, relieved that this was over.
He picked up the card again and opened it. He recognized the handwriting and the message made him smile. “We will celebrate soon.” It was a promise Virgil was definitely going to hold Janus to.
“Speaking of your parents, I found the books I mentioned,” Logan said, drawing Virgil’s attention.
Logan looked at Patton who nodded and left the room, soon returning with a box full of books.
There were some books you expect to be in a single parent’s bookcase. Cookbooks, romance novels, parenting tips, coloring books. There was also a “my first year” book that had his family’s interest piqued. Virgil mainly found it odd to now know that he was born a little before midnight. It felt oddly fitting. Of course there were also all the baby pictures. His mother seemed to have been determined to capture every last memory. Virgil felt himself choke up a little as his hand drifted over her handwriting. Feeling her presence. There were a few pictures taken selfiestyle or by strangers that allowed him to see his mother hug the younger version of him. He was incredibly jealous of that little dude. She looked like she gave great hugs.
He felt his dad’s arm tighten around his shoulder, reminding him that he still got to have some pretty good hugs growing up. He smiled up at him and took the next album. This one filled with pictures of his parents over the course of their relationship. Seeing a teenage version of his dad with freshly tousled hair and a prize was odd. And he understood what he’d meant when he said that he and his birthfather were like brothers. In the same picture Caleb had a proud arm around a sheepish Logan’s shoulders grinning as if he was posing with the president.
He couldn’t help but tear up a little when he saw their wedding pictures. His mother was gorgeous and his father was handsome. Though it was clear that the wedding had been modest. They had deserved better. It didn’t look like either cared that Logan was the only blood relative present. From the looks of it he’d been his mother’s man of honor.
There were a lot of friends present though. Some of them undoubtedly on the list Virgil hadn’t looked at yet. He was waiting until the whole mess with the Collector was cleared up. He also wanted to visit his parents’ grave when that time came. Pay his respects.
The final picture in the album was from his father in his uniform, ready to leave for the final time.
Virgil decided not to dwell on it and pick out the next book. This one was a sketchbook and Virgil was quickly lost in the world viewed through his mother’s eyes. His mother didn’t do portraits or still lives. She drew fairies and meadows and mountains… She drew to escape to far off worlds it seemed. Some of the later works had stains on them and a touch of crayon that didn’t belong.
There was even a page that was just pure chaos, that had his name in his mother’s elegant writing at the bottom.
“I think, we should call it a night,” Patton suggested gently. Virgil looked up, it was indeed about time for him to get to bed. “Yeah. Thank you guys. I really loved my birthday, and thanks for the presents,” he said as he hugged uncle Thomas goodbye and kissed his parents goodnight before heading up.
Once in his room he retrieved the box he’d gotten from Roman and dug through his sewing supplies. He soon found a long piece of left over leather thread, he’d used the rest for some detailing on an old costume. He quickly measured it, attached the charm on it, securing it in place by waving a Keltic knot and secured the ends. He smiled, satisfied with his work, as he hung the finished product over his bedpost, planning to put it on first thing in the morning. He got settled into bed and for the first time in a while he went to sleep without a single worry on his mind.
The next day he told Roman that he had told his parents and that he didn’t have to worry about spilling the beans anymore. During art Stacy told him that her parents were cool about the gift thing and that she had an appointment at the GTH for that weekend.
That’s about how far they got before Mr. Grant came over to observe their progress.
Stacy was the star of the table during lunch though and she didn’t mind.
Virgil got up extra early on Halloween morning. Packing three costumes and his makeup bag.
His parents dropped him off at the Castile house. And it was a very nice big house.
But Virgil didn’t really care about that.
“Virgin!!!”
Virgil didn’t have the chance to get his things from the car before being tackled roughly to the ground by a feral agent of chaos, also known as his old friend Remus. Thank god for his shield or he’d definitely be sore the rest of the day. He was proud that he managed to fight past the panic attack at being tackled and pinned to the ground. Though he was pretty sure he’d have attacked Remus if he hadn’t recognized his voice when he came screeching at him.
“You’re here!” Remus grinned. Virgil tried to be subtle about the calming breath’s he was taking.
“I am, now get off or I’ll leave,” he grumbled. Trying not to show that he really needed Remus to get off of him. He didn’t like being trapped like this.
“Ha!” Remus laughed. “You’re not going to disappoint Roman are you?” he grinned.
Virgil’s eyes widened. How did he even know about that!? His heart was quickening, feeling threatened in multiple ways now, making it harder to keep a hold of himself.
“Virgil are you okay?!” Three voices chorused. His parents, who had gotten out of the car when they saw him being tackled, and Roman who was rushing down the driveway.
“Remus get off him now!” Roman added.
Remus looked up and Virgil was sure there was some sort of remark on the tip of his tongue.
The glare Roman sent him must’ve been impressive enough though, cause he kept his mouth shut and got off him. Virgil shot up to a sitting position, running a hand through his hair to get the dirt out and to give himself a moment to collect himself.
When he looked up, he found Roman standing by him, offering a hand and a concerned look. “I’m so sorry,” he said as he pulled him up.
“It’s okay Princey. I kinda saw it coming,” he assured him while dusting off his clothes.
“I’m fine,” he added with a look at his parents. “Thanks for the ride,” he said as he collected his things, handing some off to Roman. “Good luck at work.”
“Okay, have fun,” his dad allowed reluctantly.
“We’ll see you tonight kiddo!” pops waved before they both got back in the car and left.
“Patton seems nice,” Roman offered gently.
“He is,” Virgil nodded.
“Hey, is it okay if I tell Remus… You know? Just so he doesn’t do that again,” Roman asked softly.
Virgil sighed. Well, it was probably for the best.
He nodded. Which prompted Roman to turn to his brother with a furious look.
“What?” the walking natural disaster wondered.
“Virgil has anxiety Remus. What you did could’ve triggered a panic attack. I told you not to overwhelm him. Did you think that I had no reason for that?” he demanded, keeping to the bare minimum of Virgil’s issues.
Remus’s eyes widened. “I thought you were being overly cautious about my extra making him change his mind about being buddies with you,” he argued defensively before turning to Virgil.
“I’m sorry V man,” he said sincerely.
Virgil shrugged. “It’s fine. I just… Don’t make me feel like I’m stuck again okay? I can mostly handle sudden noises and stuff, but being trapped is tough to handle.”
Remus nodded. “Okay! Don’t you worry V. This jackass doesn’t stumble twice on the same stone!”
Roman frowned in confusion. “What?”
“It’s a Dutch proverb,” Remus grinned proudly.
“Only you would learn foreign proverbs just for the sake of a lame joke like that,” Virgil chuckled with a shake of his head.
“Got you in a good mood didn’t it?” Remus countered.
Virgil couldn’t argue against that.
“Well. With that out of the way…” Roman stated, eyeing the costume bags.
“Okay your majesty. Let’s get you two all prettied up,” Virgil grinned as he headed towards the door.
“Not that you need much help,” he whispered teasingly as he passed him.
He didn’t look back to see how he responded. And soon he was swiped up in the whirlwind of the Castile family.
Mr. and Mrs. Castile greeted him with much enthusiasm, he barely got the chance to thank them for the gifs. Luckily Roman and Remus saved him from being smothered by taking him up to a guest room they had set up for him to do his magic.
“Alright,” he said as he shrugged off his jacket, apparently making Roman notice his necklace and the charm. “Oh, you’re wearing it,” he noted with a smile.
“Yeah, of course. It’s really cool,” Virgil told him with a grin.
“You mean the charm? The gift that’s just from you to him? That you picked out especially so he’d have something to remind him of you that he could wear every day,” Remus recounted while leaning on his brother as though he was swooning, batting his eyes excessively. Distracting Roman enough that he probably didn’t notice the way those words made Virgil blush. Though his foundation might hide that for the most part. He hadn’t worn this much in ages and he was a little worried he might fall back on old habits. Then again, cutting applying it out of his morning routine was a big relief.
“Quit it Remus,” Roman objected flustered as he stepped away from his brother, pushing him to the ground. “For your information. My therapist mentioned getting a talisman to me and I thought… I’d get Virgil one to remind him that there are people in his corner,” he objected.
Remus snorted. “Since when do you go to therapy?” he asked.
“I went a few times after nearly being crushed. Sue me,” Roman huffed.
“Not cool Remus. There’s enough taboo over getting help when you need it,” Virgil added as he meticulously set up his makeup, not wanting to look at his friends.
“Dang it. No I didn’t mean it like that V. Sorry Ro. You know I don’t mean anything by it right?”
Virgil recalled that Remus had a tendency to push people’s buttons. He found it funny to get them flustered or frustrated, but never angry or hurt.
Clearly he had to adjust to being back in social situations that included people other than his brother.
“Yeah, I know. I don’t mind. But seriously. Don’t say stuff like that. I’ve got multiple friends who have been and are going to therapy for various reasons. And they never had a chance to get to know you in the past, so they won’t be as understanding as us,” Roman explained as he inspected the bags.
“The one with the red tag is yours, Ro. Remus, you’re green. Get changed I’ll be ready to do my thing when you get back,” he told them as he picked out the make up supplies Roman had provided that could add to the things he brought with him from his own collection.
Virgil didn’t have a foundation that matched the twins’s skin tone. But luckily Roman did.
He also had red, purple and green eyeliner. With sparkles. Perfect for what he had in mind for the complete look.
He’d practiced with some cheaper products. For today he was going to use top shelf stuff.
And these… Were brand new… He smiled to himself. Roman, going the extra mile as always.
He turned away from the makeup station and unzipped the bag holding his own costume. Time to get changed.
He was just done adjusting he collar of his vest when Roman and Remus walked in.
They were matching outfits. White, bloodstained and torn blouses under black sleeveless vests. The vests could be turned inside out to reveal a black with burgundy roses design and a black with green vines design respectively. The ripped up black pants would later be tucked into black leather boots.
“Wow, Virgie. You clean up nice,” Remus observed approvingly.
“Thank you,” he grinned as he slowly turned to show off his matching ensemble. His blouse was black though. And perfectly intact. His story didn’t take him into a harrowing battle after all. He’d already put in his fake canines. His vest was dark purple with black spiderweb patterns. And he had given himself a cool cloak. He was a vampire. He had to have a cloak. Said cloak was still on the hanger though. He didn’t want it to get in the way as he worked.
“Now. Which one of you is going to sit down for torture first?” he asked with a smirk.
“Oh! Me! Me! Pick me!” Remus exclaimed as he skipped over to the chair.
Virgil chuckled. “Okay. Roman when I’m done with Remus’s foundation can you do your own? Save us all some time? I’ve done my own base at home, as you can see…”
“You mean you don’t naturally look like you died?” Remus cackled.
“I’d be very nice to me if I were you. I will decide over your first impression,” Virgil warned.
“Alright. Please make me pretty,” Remus relented.
Virgil chuckled and got started. “That might be a bit too much to ask from even me. I’m good, but not magic,” he told him.
“I’ve never seen you do anything quite this elaborate at school before,” Roman noted.
“Well, no. I never wear my best work out in public. I’m a bit too shy for that. But… It used to be a bonding thing between me and J. I’d do his hair and makeup and we talk about stupid stuff. He was a great challenge. His skin is so much more interesting to work with than mine. Once I camouflaged his birthmarks away for a day out. I thought it was a shame, but he’s always disliked them you know? And I wanted him to feel comfortable in his own skin for once. I don’t think I’ve seen him that happy since,” Virgil recounted sadly as he finished up Remus’s foundation and tossed the case to Roman who caught it without trouble.
It had been a great weekend. Truth or dare in the hotel room… He’d tried to come out that day. Daring J to kiss him. Trying to explain to him that he was into both… But Jay’s body image issues had been more prominent that night. Not that Virgil faulted Janus for that. He just wished he’d been able to help him see himself the way he did.
He put away the thought for later. Now he had to make Remus look dignified and intimidating.
Remus clearly didn’t put as much energy in grooming himself as Roman did and he complained about Virgil fixing him up quite excessively. Virgil didn’t mind though. He enjoyed the banter. It was different from how he talked with others. With Roman it was challenging, with a touch of flirty on occasion. With Prince it was mostly flirty, but in a way that they were making fun of story tropes.
With Remus, it was insults and threats. None that actually hit home of course. But still. An outsider might wonder if they hated each other.
“And done. Now don’t mess it up or I will skin you alive,” he warned.
“Ooooh, promise?” Remus grinned.
“Out of my chair gremlin. I still need to touch up Roman and put on my own stuff,” he said.
Remus left the chair and now Roman was in front of him.
Virgil took a deep breath. It was fine. He could do this. He just had to not think about how fondly Roman was looking at him right now.
He got all business like and focused. He took Roman’s face in his hand and angled it in the light to see if the foundation looked right. “You did a good job,” he concluded after a while.
“Thank you,” Roman smiled.
“Don’t worry. You don’t need nearly as much work as that trashman over there. The wing will be the hardest part,” Virgil assured him as he picked up the fire palette and a clean brush.
“Close your eyes,” he said and when Roman’s goldenbrown eyes were hidden from view, he got to work. Roman was the perfect model. He sat still, followed instructions and he had very compliant skin.
“Okay,” Virgil said as he finished the sparkling red wing. “Now some lipstick.” He said softly as he colored Roman’s lips a nearly black red.
Remus had the same shade in green. But with Remus, Virgil hadn’t been nearly as distracted. But he got the job done. “And you are done. Go check yourself out while I fix this mess,” Virgil instructed as he gestured to himself. “Well you’ll be done soon then,” Roman smiled before leaving. God he wanted to kiss that boy.
Virgil did his makeup in shades of purple. His lips were violet, making him look like he had passed away. For the dance he wanted to go blood red. But his count didn’t wear his favorite flavor for everyday functions.
“Alight,” he said as he got up. “Let’s get this show on the road.”
The plan was fairly simple. Roman and Virgil would get to school first. Once they were in, Remus followed, careful not to cross paths.
Janus didn’t show up for Homeroom for the third time this week. Virgil worried he was sick, or worse, at first, but he’d heard that he had attended his other classes without problem.
People started doing double takes when they headed to their first class, Roman and Virgil pretended not to notice as they put on their performance. The battle scared prince was much more flirty with the count than Virgil was used to from Roman, or even Prince.
He didn’t mind. Especially since it gave him a good excuse to flirt right back.
Things got especially funny when Virgil saw Roman’s friends look confused upon seeing him.
And then the big climax finally came during lunch.
Virgil disappeared to the bathroom, waited a few minutes and then made his way to their table in the cafeteria. Halfway there though, he was stopped by Remus bursting in and shouting.
“Stop! Step away from that inferior copy!” he exclaimed in a very good imitation of Roman’s way of speaking. When he was playing the dark prince at least. Roman jumped up from his seat with a gasp. “You! What are you doing here?” he demanded.
“This is my kingdom brother! And the count is my treasured friend!” Remus shot back as he started to make his way to Virgil with firm strides. Virgil had to admit, if he didn’t know the script, and the subtle differences in their costumes and makeup. He’d be fooled. He could see that the people at their table were putting together what was going on, but lost on who was sitting with them. “Silence!” he demanded with a commanding gesture.
The twins obeyed without hesitation.
Virgil turned to Remus. “Lie at your own peril. Are you my prince?” he growled lowly.
Remus put on a confident grin and walked over to him. “Why my dearest parasite, can’t you tell?” he asked as he came to stand before him and reached out. Virgil knew he would, it was scripted, but for some reason, this time, he was triggered and Roman’s self-defense lessons rushed back to him and his body moved on its own accord. Flipping Remus to the floor. The second Remus hit the floor, Virgil got back up, getting back to the script. “Your disguise is commendable, but I can tell that you are not the prince I have bound myself to.” Man that sounded so gay when he said it out loud. He turned, making his cape flare like a freaking badass and walked to the table where Roman took his hand and mimicked kissing his knuckles, making butterflies flare up in his stomach.
Then Roman pulled Virgil to stand on top of the table so he could address their audience.
“Foul creatures of this earth! Horrors and criptids of all kinds! Your future king and his right hand remain unconquered!” This was, of course, met with applause all around.
Remus got back up and together they bowed. “A special round of applause for my brother! Returned from his quest. Remus Castile everyone!” Roman declared, prompting Remus to cackle and bow again.
As soon as they all sat down Virgil turned to Remus. “You good man? Sorry, kinda happened on instinct,” he offered worriedly.
Remus shrugged rubbing his shoulder a little. “Nah man. It didn’t tickle, but it was pretty hot. I won’t complain.” Virgil rolled his eyes and carefully moved his hand over Remus’ shoulders and the back of his head, just in case.
“How’s that?” he asked. Remus’ eyes went wide. “Dude! I feel like new. What the heckity?” Remus screeched. “I learned how to fix up people. Nothing more serious than scrapes and bruises though,” he shrugged, more interested in how different healing Remus felt in comparison to healing Prince or Roman.
“That is such a cool power!” Miguel exclaimed. And just like that the whole table was focused on this new development. Virgil worried for a moment that Roman would be upset that the attention was taken away from the performance they had put so much effort in, but he seemed perfectly content with the situation.
Virgil decided to let the rumor mill do its job for now. Going out of his way to tell people about his exact skillset would be too obvious. He had to assume that he was being watched close enough that the news would reach collector’s ears shortly.
Virgil’s main concern was the dance.
Roman and Remus picked him up, saving him from Patton’s attempt at filling a memory card with pictures of him in his costume. Though Patton insisted on having one with Roman and Virgil together when the former knocked on the door. This is where Virgil put his foot down and pulled Roman away after one picture hurrying to the car where Remus was waiting for them. They were both looking great, though Roman insisted he felt Virgil had done a better job.
When they got to the party their lunchtable crew was waiting for them. Eager to get the party started. Virgil was nervous. Remus had mentioned he’d try to get Janus to attend. Virgil hadn’t seen J all week, but he knew that he’d been at school. If he wanted to talk to him it had to be tonight. If needed he’d go to his house after the party and climb through the window.
“Come on Broodcula!” Roman grinned as he pulled him along, snapping Virgil out of his musings.
They entered the extravagantly decorated gym. The wide array of costumes was amazing. A lot of people wore something basic for Halloween at school, but they’d all gone all out for the dance.
The Halloween dance was basically a replacement for Homecoming. The staff didn’t believe in the whole concept of enforcing school spirit or idolization of the sport teams over other activities on the students. Which was absolutely fine with Virgil.
Roman led Virgil to the snack table and got them both some punch.
“To a gruesome night!” he said prompting the group to chorus “Here here!” and take a good sip from their drinks.
“So Virgil, are we going to see you dance tonight?” Kelly wondered as she readjusted the seashell crown in her hair. Virgil especially appreciated the way she’d conveyed a scaled skin by using glitter and a few well-placed crescent lines.
“We’ll see. If someone spiked the punch you might,” Virgil joked.
“Don’t underestimate us. We can be very persuasive,” Fabio argued, his hair wild. The fake sideburns and button nose were a little goofy but iirgil gave him points for using black fake nails to convey claws.
“And by us we mean Roman,” Clara specified. She won the price for being the creepiest. Her face had always been a little childlike, but now, if she kept her expression blank she looked like she was a real life-sized doll that might come to life any minute.
Roman laughed heartily at that, but didn’t deny it. That is when Virgil realized…
“Ro, where did your brother go?” he asked worriedly. Losing sight of Remus for too long was never a good thing. Roman shrugged, not as concerned.
“I’m sure he won’t remain hidden for long,” he smiled calmly.
Virgil was scanning the crowd. “Virgil, relax. Everyone knows not to mess with him. We made that clear,” the princely teen assured him.
“What?” Virgil asked baffled.
“Didn’t you know?” Fabio, the zombie groom, said. “Everyone knows not to mess with the two of you, and after that show, everyone knows Remus is with you. So going after Remus would be social suicide,” he explained.
Virgil was about to argue, but then remembered, he was popular. It was so against his idea of who he was that he forgot about it, but people wanted to date him. People were nice to him and looked up to him. He was spending his time with the future prom king. He was at the top of the high school food chain as far as Juniors were concerned. Very weird, but true.
Just as he was thinking this over, the music changed and ‘Monster Mash’ started playing.
“Oh! Come on! Let’s dance!” Roman said as he put their cups aside and dragged Virgil, followed closely by the rest of the group, to the dancefloor where people were lining up quickly.
Any hesitance Virgil might have felt was whipped away once he saw Roman’s excited grin.
He couldn’t disappoint him. So he joined in on the well-known choreography, and very soon, was laughing too hard to worry about looking silly.
When the song ended everyone clapped and Virgil, almost absentmindedly, did a quick scan of the crowd. That’s when he saw it. A caped individual making his way out. He caught a glimpse of a Phantom of the opera mask.
It was Janus, he was sure of it.
“I gotta do something real quick. I’ll be right back,” he told Roman before hurrying after him, not giving Roman the time to reply. He felt kinda bad, but he couldn’t miss this chance.
He’d explain later.
As soon as he entered the hallway, he laid eyes on him. “Janus! Wait up!” he called out.
Janus froze and slowly turned, showing only the masked half of his face. “You should be enjoying yourself with the others,” he said.
“I know,” Virgil breathed.
“Then go,” Janus said, starting to turn away again.
“No. I don’t mean that. J. Something is bothering you. You’ve been avoiding me ever since… And I know it’s not something I said. Something happened. And you can tell me. You being in trouble is much more important than whatever else is going on between us right now. I can help, I promise,” Virgil pleaded.
Janus hesitated.
“Serpentine, please,” he insisted.
Janus looked at him, shocked. Virgil waited tensely.
“I’ve… I’ve been thinking about the concert we went to freshmen year. You remember that?” Janus asked. Virgil frowned. Was he stalling for time?
“Yes. Of course,” he had been thinking about that exact weekend not long ago.
“We never finished that game.” That… Came out of nowhere.
“You… What? You want to cash in the penalty now?” he asked confused.
“No,” Janus said with a shake of his head. “I want to do the dare.” He smirked challengingly. “If you aren’t chickening out that is.”
Virgil couldn’t believe J was stalling like this. But fine. If he wanted to test Virgil’s resolve or whatever, Virgil would play along. There might be a point he as trying to make and Virgil would let him. “Of course I’m not. Bring it on,” he said carelessly. He really didn’t mind. He hadn’t then and as he was not dating anyone currently, he didn’t now.
Janus walked over with faux confidence. When they were face to face Virgil watched as his old friend took a steadying breath. Before that could fully register as odd in any way, Virgil watched as Janus pulled off his mask, revealing that half of his face was made up quite nicely. His mark blended with foundation, his eye accentuated in a delicate manner, half of his lips red, full and glossy. Countour softening the shape of his face. There were a few improvements Virgil could think of to better accomplish what Jay had been going for but it was not bad at all. Virgil was taken aback and so of guard that there wasn’t even the thought of possible danger when he felt Janus’ hand lift his chin, nor when his best friend kissed him fully on the mouth. Virgil closed his eyes and let Janus lead. He wasn’t sure how long the kiss lasted but it was definitely longer than a quick “let’s get this over with” peck. This was a serious kiss. A nice kiss really. Virgil found himself laying a hand on Janus’ waist and cheek, the one with foundation and blush. He was careful not to ruin the work J had put in. Still puzzled at what was going on Virgil felt Janus pull back and he let him go. Janus stepped back, and when Virgil opened his eyes J was staring down into them, clearly torn by too many emotions for Virgil to decipher even one.
“J… Do you need to tell me something? It’s all cool with me but…” Virgil said, his mind still a mess.
“I know. I’m Toric. But it doesn’t matter. I’m not in love with you, so don’t worry. You can Forget About It. Okay?” Janus said before putting on his mask and walking away, leaving Virgil stunned. There was something… He wanted to say something to him right… F̵͉̲̰̋̀͠ò̶̤̭̽͝r̸̜̜̻̫̍͝g̸̢͊̎͝e̷͉̟͛̈́͊t̸̮̤͋ ̴̟̖̪͉̊͛a̸̡̻͋b̴͈͆͛̌̏õ̸̡̮̜̮̎͝ů̵̮̱̏̅̆t̵͓̜̺͂̽̕ ̷͎̒͛i̸̝̣͛ţ̶̰̌̊
He’d figure it out some other time. Now he needed to go back. Roman would be worried.
“Virgil, there you are… I was about to…”
“V you seen snakey?” Remus asked, interrupting his brother.
Virgil pointed to the doors he’d just walked through and Remus took off.
“Okay… Are you alright? You look a little… Well you look more spooked than spooky,” Roman told him.
“Um. Yeah, I’m fine. Just… That didn’t go how I expected. Not bad… But not…” What had he expected? F̵͉̲̰̋̀͠ò̶̤̭̽͝r̸̜̜̻̫̍͝g̸̢͊̎͝e̷͉̟͛̈́͊t̸̮̤͋ ̴̟̖̪͉̊͛a̸̡̻͋b̴͈͆͛̌̏õ̸̡̮̜̮̎͝ů̵̮̱̏̅̆t̵͓̜̺͂̽̕ ̷͎̒͛i̸̝̣͛ţ̶̰̌̊
“Well, these things take time. I’m sure Remus will do his best to assist. He is quite insistent he wants his squad of chaos back. Let’s get ourselves some refreshments the others are waiting for us,” Roman suggested leading Virgil through the room.
He took out his phone and looked up the word Janus had used to describe himself. When he did, so much fell into place. Janus wasn’t a he. It didn’t come as a complete surprise, on some level Virgil had always suspected J wasn’t completely cis. But he hadn’t been sure and worried that he was mislabeling his friend. He wished Janus had told him sooner. But there was no point in dwelling on it. He’d support… Them? He’d go with they/them until he heard otherwise. He’d support them as best as he could and keep his secret for as long as Janus needed him to.
When J was ready to reach out again. He’d be there.
Warning(s): graphic description of panic attack and anxiety, mention of drinking as in acoholism problem, slightly disfunctional family, lot of tears, hurtful fight, mention of insecurities (not being enough), insults (not a lot but still).
Note : Hi everyone! SO! It’s finally here, did I end up giving up proofreading? I totally did LMAO. Me: I want the last chapter to be perfect! Also me: Fuck proofreading I can’t wait anymore. HAHAHA. ANYWAY! It’s been a long time since I started that, but I finally, finally finished it. Not going to lie, I shed some tears at some points, I’m a very sensitive bean. I really hope you will like it, please feedback is warmly welcomed T-T I can’t stress that enough but it really warms my heart to see comments. It truly helps me moving from projects to projects. Anyway, take well care of you guys! I’ll try not to die with uni haha, lots of love,
-Dolly (who will go to sleep asap hahaha).
Words : 11k (phew).
<- Previous
To say that (Y/N) was conflicted would be an euphemism. She wished she could quieten down her heart right now because the way it skipped a beat each time she thought of the male dancer was annoying. Jimin had not mentioned the competition again but he was adamant on getting her to dance with him. It felt nic- weird. It definitely felt weird; especially considering everything that had happened between them.
They ended up keeping the choreography even though (Y/N) thought that it would make more sense to change it (it was way too intimate if you asked her). But again, her heart would not let her ask for it. Yet, he had asked her more than once if she was fine with the choreography-she had thought it had been sweet the way he had seemed so worried about her being comfortable with it-but after looking at their recording, she could not get herself to ask for a change. If she had to be honest with herself, it did look beautiful. They looked beautiful.
And against all expectations, she found herself thinking that she also looked beautiful.
It wasn’t something she thought often, quite the opposite actually. It had been a while since she had taken the time to see herself; or even to simply take a look at herself in the mirror for more than a few seconds. She was used to quickly checking her appearance just to make sure that she had everything with her, but she had never stopped to properly look at herself. However, as soon as she had gotten home, her first instinct had been to check the pretty smile that refused to leave her features. She was dizzy with happiness. Her mind seemed to be somewhere else or stuck on the stage with Jimin; she was not really sure.
But it frightened her.
The happiness she had felt while dancing with Jimin terrorized her. She had tried for so long to bury those feelings deep inside of her, not willing to let them out. She even went as far as to try to convince herself that not dancing anymore had not changed anything in her life. Dancing was dispensable while studies were not as her parents had always said when she had been younger. Dancing had to be a hobby and nothing else.
Until she remembered.
Until she remembered the feelings, the thrill, the adrenaline. She suddenly remembered the way all of those sensations used to intertwin, washing over her when she danced; it now slapped her in her face while she was looking at herself in the mirror. Who had she been trying to fool? Tears stung her eyes but she deeply breathed in order to conceal them. She would not cry anymore; she had done enough of that in the past few years. So what if her life had been and still was a mess? So what if she could not leave everything behind to start dancing again? It would be fine, she would manage just as she had the first time. She would do the competition and then, no more. She had quit dancing once, it shouldn't be that hard to do it again, right? She had accepted that dancing wouldn't be a constant in her life anymore after she had stopped; so it was no news anyway. However, as she heard her phone ringing, bringing her back to reality, she realized why she was hesitating and why it would be harder than it had been the first time. She saw his name on the screen and she sighed heavily.
Jimin would probably find it hard to understand that dancing and her had to break up, and for good.
♦ ♢ ♦
"So! I just put our names on the list for the competition. It's not definitive at all, of course. If you want me to remove it, I will. But I think it's going pretty well for now, aren't we good?" He smiled at her-maybe a little bit too widely-but it was just the way she made him feel that tended to overwhelm him.
The past week had honestly been weird. On one hand, Jimin had been elated to dance with (Y/N). Of course, she still had it in her blood, she was born to dance.
Okay, it did take her three days to get more comfortable with her own body, true, but still! Baby steps! On the other hand however, their relationship was just so fragile that Jimin never knew if what he was doing was okay or if he was overstepping her comfort zone. As long as they were in the practice room she seemed to be okay, actually interacting with him in a quite friendly manner, laughing and giggling a little bit. It had not been anything big, but she had slowly been letting go of her inhibitions in front of him and he had been so glad. But as soon as they were outside, or in class, or anywhere else actually, she just silently met his eyes, waved quietly and disappeared as soon as he had spotted her. It had disturbed him at first, not really knowing her reasons for acting like that. He just hoped that no one was bothering her after everything that had happened in their classroom on the first day. He tried to pay attention to that, to see if anyone was trying to mess with her behind closed doors, but everything seemed to be fine; no one was actively paying attention to her or being openly mean with her. Jimin could only pray that it wasn’t just a misleading image and that people had truly left her outside of any drama because he knew that even if people bothered her, she would probably keep it for herself and not tell him or anyone. Hence why he paid an extra bit of attention on that point and breathed more comfortably when he realized that she was fine. That was, at least, a good thing.
But it did not explain their weird interactions outside of the dance studio. He was really curious and it was fair. He couldn't really understand her cold shoulder. Was it because he was famous? Maybe it disturbed her and she wanted to avoid the attention. It was more than possible after all. He sighed heavily as he stared at her, stretching. He knew he was not being fair. He was technically the one to have asked her to dance with him and to try to become her friend. She had no reasons to act more friendly than she already did. It was already nice of her to keep going with his weird ideas and to not throw him out.
"We're okay. Even though I'm not too sure on actually performing, I'll try my best anyway." Her smile was small and unsure so he tried to push his previous insecurities away to focus on her. He did not want to pressure her but he truly hoped that she would perform with him.
"Hey, I know it might be a lot for you. Even for me, sometimes, performing is a big deal, even though I do it almost every day nowadays", he tried to chuckle but it came out dryly. He didn't know why he felt that weird suddenly but the whole atmosphere had turned awkward.
"Are... Are you okay Jimin?" She quietly asked, not sure if she wanted to know or not but it seemed wrong not to make sure. He had been so gentle with her for the past few days, always making sure she felt alright and comfortable; she didn’t want to know if something was wrong because it was likely to be her fault for reasons she would probably ignore, but she couldn’t just ignore his apparent uneasiness. And if it was her fault, she would try to do better. She could probably try for him who always tried his best for her...
"I... Can I ask you a blunt question?" See? She already didn't like where this was going.
"Can't promise you an answer but go ahead."
"Why do you avoid me outside of our dance practice? I know we are... How can I say that... Like, you're my friend!", she raised her head at those words, visibly confused and Jimin got slightly disappointed at that. "Ah, I mean at least to me… To me you are my friend and I don't know... I really want to hang out with you outside of this room as well? But it feels like you’d do anything to avoid me sometimes so..." For some reasons, he got shy and insecure as she did not answer. Would she tell him to go away and never come back if he insisted too much? Their 'friendship', if it even was one, was so fragile and new. He did not want to put an end to it just because he was greedy. So he tried to save the situation:
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked you that. We're not even really friends to begin with, I'm so-"
"What are you on about, of course we're friends Jimin." Those words soothed his worries down for a moment before he saw how conflicted she looked "I'm just... Not really used to hanging out with people. I just tend to try to avoid everyone to also avoid troubles. I don't like it when the attention is on me." She tried to simply shrug it off but Jimin raised an eyebrow.
"But... I mean, when you're a dancer, you end up performing in front of some or many people." He didn't understand, did he?
"Yeah, that's exactly why I didn't and still do not want to do the competition." Something clicked for him suddenly.
Oh.
Oh, he did not expect that and she could easily tell by his face that he did not.
"You... Have stage fright?" he sounded incredulous, as if the mere idea had never crossed his mind, which was the case if he were to be honest.
"I wouldn't really call it 'stage fright' because it isn’t quite that strong, but I have always been extremely anxious in those situations, Jimin." She smiled lightly because she was somewhat happy to learn that he did not know. It felt like she had done a good job at hiding it when she had been younger. To be fair, she had been mostly getting extremely anxious and nervous right before a show but did not qualify it as stage fright because she did not want to admit it. What kind of dancer had stage fright? Not little her; she had denied it all. But years later, after she had stopped going on stage, she could acknowledge her fear-still wouldn't call it a ‘stage fright’ because she had seen many people with a fear way stronger than hers-but still. At least, once she was on the stage, she was able to forget a little bit. Hence, she had learnt to deal with her extreme stress and nervosity and to make something out of it on stage. However, it did not mean that she had not thrown up more than once before going up. And with time, she forgot the exhilarating feelings that came after the stress and started developing major anxiety because of it. Her not going back on stage had probably been a reason why her anxiety became more and more present in her daily life but she would never admit it.
"Why have you never said anything?" He couldn't believe he had missed that. How on Earth had he been able to miss the signs when they had been younger?
"I mean, back then I had an unwavering enemy to defeat so I pushed through it despite me being scared shitless. And after I stopped, I guess it just kind of got stronger in more regular settings." She grinned a little bit at her words. She had had a mission: defeat Jimin, and nothing would have been able to stop her at that time. He grinned shyly too, mirroring her expression.
"See? We need to get you one stage even more now that I know that." Her own smile disappeared quickly. She had actually hoped for the opposite reaction.
"Wha-Why?"
"Because you were dealing with your anxiety way better when you were able to dance on a stage! You said it yourself; you pushed through it because you didn't want to fail. So we are going to work on your stress management at the same time, isn't that amazing?" She definitely did not share his optimism nor his confidence about that but she didn't really know how to answer without seeing his blinding smile crumbling.
She shook her head. What the hell are you thinking about? Focus!
"It's really not that easy-"
"We won't know until we try (Y/N)! Come on, wouldn't it be good if you could at least get less anxious nowadays? I'm not telling you to stop your studies to focus on dancing even though you have more than just what it takes, I would never force you to do something that crazy. But if going on stage just once can help it a little, wouldn't it be great to try?" He knew how to handle her heart, didn't he? His charming smile was on full display. However, she wasn’t too sure about what he was saying. It made her anxious just to think about it.
"It would be nice yeah, but I don't think that it would change anything Jimin. I used to be less stressed only because I forced myself to, it had nothing to do with the actual performance." He pouted at her words and she almost felt bad to say it out loud. Almost.
"But what if it does?" He didn’t want to let go, what if it helped? He just really wanted to help her.
"It won't Jimin. You work daily inside of this crazy world; you probably know people who have high anxiety or stage fright, right? So you know that one experience on stage does not change anything. It's mostly a question of getting used to the pressure and trying to deal with it anyway." And he knew she was right. He knew, but he still wanted to believe otherwise. Her demeanor made it clear for him that she refused to let his idea in, trying to block him from pushing it further, but he felt desperate. He just wanted to help and if one performance on a stage could, what did she have to lose?
"Still. It's not the same for everyone, what if it works for you?" He tried to smile gently but he saw that his words had the opposite effect. She was starting to feel annoyed. He started to panic, how could he fix it? He did not want for her to shut him off.
"It won't." Her tone was not playful anymore and he knew he had read the sign well. She wasn’t playful anymore and she now fully refused to hear him out. His smile was crisped and with gritted teeth, he wondered if he should just drop the subject or if he should push it again. He was getting irritated at her for not believing it could help. Scepticism was normal, he wasn’t sure if it could work either, but he would appreciate it if she could at least be more receptive to him. She was just blocking him out as if his idea made no sense. It stung a little.
“You could at least think of it.” He passively tried one last time. He did not want to argue with (Y/N) but she seemed slightly too eager to reject his ideas. He tried not to focus on that but it hurt him.
“There is nothing to think about. It won’t work. End of the discussion.” He ironically and mentally noted that the discussion had already ended way before she even said it. He couldn’t help it but snort, earning a glare from her.
"Of course if you think so negatively it won't." He had not been able to prevent that one from coming out.
"Excuse me?" Her body language changed completely but he didn’t pay too much attention to that. Jimin just felt like she had been waiting for him to snap so that she could get angry at him.
"I'm saying that if you want things to go wrong they will! You want so bad to prove me wrong; are you going to make yourself miserable just to be right? Come on then, go ahead I won't hold you!" His words were harsher than intended but he was feeling frustrated. He could already feel the taste of regret in his mouth though. Why had this conversation turned so aggressive suddenly?
"Fine, our whole agreement was a mistake anyway. I should have never answered you that day."
Wait what?
He watched bewildered as she started gathering her belongings. He panicked at the sight; he knew he had gone too far with his last sentence but she had been pushing it too! He knew it was not really the moment to think about who was responsible for the sudden turn of this discussion but she had definitely not been the most pacific one! He was not the one suddenly saying that their whole friendship was a mistake...
"You're leaving just like that?" He almost sounded confused but she could hear his annoyance loud and clear. (Y/N) wanted to laugh bitterly.
"Why should I bother staying for someone who thinks he figured me out in 2 weeks when he does not bother looking up from his ass?" He internally snapped at her words. Fine, she wanted to play dirty like that? To be mean just because she could? Then she would give her what she wanted: a reason to be mad at him. He’d hit where he knew it would hurt the most, see if it’s fun.
"I thought you had changed but actually you still are the same." The harshness in his voice was icy and she almost felt a shiver as she met his eyes. She was a little bit taken aback but her own anger won over the guilt that she felt for talking to him like she just did. She knew she had not been the most welcoming one regarding his idea, but had she not made it clear enough that she had tried to change the subject rather than to argue about something they would probably never agree on? It was okay to disagree; she had nothing against that. She had just tried to stop the conversation before they could come to… well, that. But instead of voicing that, she chose to do the same thing: throw hurtful words right back at him. It was easier to choose confrontation than to talk about her feelings.
"Yeah? I thought you did too but you're still a selfish asshole who now believes he's so great that he can miraculously cure anxiety. Wake up, Park Jimin. I'm not a broken little girl in need of assistance and my anxiety won't suddenly be solved just because you think you can." She had felt the tears ready to spill but desperately kept them inside. Anger was stronger than the betrayal she felt. She had actually believed that they were friends at some points and that, somehow, they understood each other. It seemed that she had gotten it all wrong though. Befriending him had been a mistake anyway. She had wondered how long it would last, mostly because her own insecurities were speaking, but now she guessed that she had her answer anyway.
"I’d have to bend over backward to please you anyway. You still run away each time something does not go according to your plan. You don't like it when things do not go like you wanted them to? You don't know what it means to work for something, you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth. Now you wait for me to snap at you so that I end up becoming the villain and so that you can rightfully run away, you, the nice little angel of the story? The truth is uglier and we both know it: sweet little (Y/N) did not work for something and still wanted to get it without putting the effort in it." It was so low and uncalled for, he would probably regret his words later but for now, he was blinded with hurt. How could she say that he was self-absorbed? He had wanted to help her. He had wanted to protect her and to make her smile again. Had he been wrong when he had thought she was the kind of person who would never give up? Who would fight for her passion? Maybe he had.
"Fuck you, Park. You don't know me nor my family. Don't you dare say those kinds of things again." Hurt, betrayed, humiliated. She had never thought she would feel all of that again. She thought she had forgotten that day; that day when she had had to give up dancing because of Park Jimin. She had been so stupid to promise her parents she would give it up if she didn't get the solo stage. It had been stupid of her because in the end, she had lost everything. And he had been the one to be able to humiliate her, going up to her with that victorious smirk that had become his signature, taunting her as if he had not already crushed her to the ground. She had also felt hurt because of the sympathetic smiles of her teacher who told her it wasn't only about competency or dancing skills. She had learnt about a criterion that she had never even thought of considering right before she left. Her dance teacher had called her back inside to tell her that she could always try for something else! (Y/N) could tell that the professor had been feeling bad for her when she told her that she could try the duo stage instead. The blank that had followed had been uncomfortable and her teacher finally, yet very quietly, admitted that she had not stood a chance against Jimin's popularity in the school. She had blinked twice before understanding what it truly meant.
“The whole school is expecting Jimin, not you (Y/N). I really wish it was different because you have what it takes… But it’s not only a question of abilities. You have to charm your audience, and it’s something that you overlooked and Jimin did not. He knows he is the most popular dancer and he uses it for himself, which you failed to do.”
She had lost before she had even tried that day. She had cried after learning that because how unfair had that been? How did they let her play her future on that solo performance if they had all known she'd never make it? Granted, none of them had known about her promise to her parents, but 15 years old (Y/N) had not cared about that fact, and besides, would have any of the trainers been honest with her and prevented her from ruining her potential career as a dancer before she could make that dumb promise?
Probably not. She had been an average dancer to them and would have never mattered much more than that.
"Truth always hurts more, right?" He smirked, knowing he had the last word. She had enough of him believing he always knew better than anyone else. So she kept quiet, took her bag and left without a word. She just hoped that she was able to prevent him from seeing her tears. She couldn't let him see how affected she was by his words.
No, not anymore. Even if it meant no stage for her anymore, she would not let a tear fall because of him or dancing again.
No stage, no disappointment.
♦ ♢ ♦
He wanted to punch himself. Why, instead of pouring oil on the fire, had he not tried to stop the argument before it was too late?
He had been angry. True.
True, but it did not mean that he couldn’t have tried to stop the fight nevertheless. He truly wished he had because now, (Y/N) was not answering any of his messages or calls anymore, she did not come to practice anymore and he barely had time to glance at her after class that she had already disappeared. His words left more than just a sour aftertaste. He had seen the tears threatening to spill from her eyes but she had kept on going with her mean words nevertheless. He got angry; her words had left him hurting and the anger that had crept inside of him had been translated by vomiting those awful words right back at her, making sure to hit where it would hurt.
Goodness, he hated himself. His goal had been to try to befriend her, not to become the person she probably hated the most. He knew he wasn’t the only guilty one in what happened, but it didn’t prevent him from feeling awful about it.
They were almost done with the performance: the choreography was ready, their show was mostly done. They just had to look for appropriate costumes and they would have been done. They had been so, so close, so why? Why had he not been able to close his damn mouth and keep this question for after the show? Would the argument have still come to life if he had waited?
No. It felt wrong to think like that. He simply wished the argument had not happened at all. He wished he still could see her shy smile as she watched him dancing. He wished her head would suddenly pop, her giggles still ringing in his mind. He wished he still could playfully bicker with her about music tastes.
But no. Instead, she had obviously been focussed on avoiding him while he was trying to come up with a good apology. As he remembered what happened, he hoped that she had said those things out of anger and that she had not meant it. He truly hoped that she knew that he wanted to be helpful. He never meant to sound like he knew better than her or could “fix her up”. However, he also couldn’t help but wonder if she knew that, from his side, he had not meant any of his words. If anyone had worked to get where they were, it was her. He had known back then that her family wasn’t really supportive of her being a dancer. He had not meant to overhear but he once had been about to catch her as she was waiting for her bus but she had been calling with someone. The voice on the other side of the device had been loud enough for him to hear “Dancing is ridiculous anyway, your father and I won’t tolerate it any longer. You are just being childish, (Y/N)”. He had frowned hearing that. And when he had turned to see her reaction to those harsh words, he had been surprised to find no reaction. Her features had been devoid of any anger or sorrow; Jimin had been met with total emptiness. She had not even noticed him. She had just nodded, said goodbye and left even though Jimin knew that she was normally taking the bus. It had confused him and the bus had arrived right after she had left. She wasn’t that far away so she could probably still catch it if he called after her. He had thus been torn between calling her name so that she could take the bus, or letting her take some time for herself as she had obviously needed. He had chosen to let her walk. After all, it was none of his business but when the bus passed by her, he had not been able to resist checking up on her and had caught a glimpse of her tears before she was nowhere to be seen anymore as the bus was already far away from her.
It had taken him by surprise. He had felt bad for her, not knowing how he would have handled the whole thing if his parents were not being supportive of his choices. He would have probably quit dancing if he were to be honest. That night, he had even talked about it with his parents. Jimin had asked if they actually were proud of him for working hard for his dreams or they thought that he was not being reasonable. His parents had been greatly confused and had slightly panicked, asking him if they ever made him feel like they were not proud of him. The confusion had quickly disappeared as Jimin had explained that he had discovered that the parents of one of the talented dancers of his group were not supportive at all of her choices and it bothered her a lot.
“I mean I understand why she cried. If you were to be against me pursuing an idol career, I don’t know if I would be able to continue. It would feel wrong to me.” His parents had listened to his rambles for a good 20 minutes and they had quickly comforted him: they were very proud of their son and of his decisions. As long as he was happy and still working for a back-up plan, that was all that mattered to them.
“I don’t understand why her parents could be so against it. She’s very talented, you know? She’s like… One of the best. We always bicker because it’s fun to be honest. But I don’t understand. Have they never seen her dance? They should feel proud to have such a talented daughter.” It had actually really left a deep mark on his mind. How could parents talk like that about the passion of their child? It had always been very clear that (Y/N) loved dancing.
“You know Jimin, sometimes, parents make mistakes because they want the best for their children. Maybe they think that dancing is not the best for her and they just clumsily try to protect her.” It had made sense, but he still had not felt like it had been right. She had cried after all.
“But what if it just makes their child miserable?”
“Well then, you can just hope that they will notice before they do too much damages.” And as Jimin remembered that conversation with his parents, something clicked. Looking back at it, had it been why she had left dancing? He hoped not, she couldn’t have thrown all of that away just for her parents, had she? He suddenly felt the need to call her but he knew she would not answer. For some reasons she still had not blocked him so he still could try. Yet, instead of calling as he had first wanted to, he started typing very aggressively before sending a new message.
Jimin: Tell me you didn’t quit dancing because your parents were against. Please.
Was it too much? Technically, he didn’t even know why he cared so much. After everything that had been wrongly said during their argument, maybe he should just give up, remove their names from the competition and go one with his life. But he couldn’t.
He couldn’t, not when he had learnt to know her-to know that she loved peach flavored juice, to know that she disliked make-up because she thought it was gross even though she used some, to know that she loved winter and warm tea, to know that she was a cat person, to know that she hated english and math with every fiber of her being, to know that, despite everything, dancing was still her first love.
And when his phone vibrated, he got extremely nervous as it might be her first answer in a few days.
(Y/N): How do you even know about my parents?
Oh well. He had not thought of how he could explain it without sounding creepy. But the only fact that she had answered made his heart race for some stupid reasons. He should be mad at her after everything she said. He knew he should, but he couldn’t.
Jimin: I once heard them talking about it when we were younger. They said it was ridiculous and you cried. It didn’t feel fair to me. I thought it was mean and I didn’t understand at that time. I even talked about it with my parents.
(Y/N): Why?
Jimin: It made no sense to me for parents to be against the passion of their child.
He did not get an answer after that so he felt the need to message again. He had not meant for her to feel bad about it.
Jimin: Hey I’m sorry. I shouldn't have mentioned it.
Jimin: I’m also sorry for what I said the other day. I didn’t mean it. I hope you know that.
He hoped that it sounded genuine because it was hard to convey emotions through messages. He wondered if he should try to call her instead but it felt like a little bit too much maybe. They still had not made up after all.
(Y/N): I didn’t mean it either. I don’t know why I got so angry, I’m sorry.
Okay well baby steps. He needed to be careful. They had progressed but he couldn’t see her reactions so he couldn’t really know what was happening. He did not know why she was finally having a mood swing and finally decided to answer. Maybe her parents had been a triggering topic. Maybe he should have refrained from bringing it up.
Jimin: It’s okay, really. I’m sorry for pushing the idea even though you were clearly uncomfortable. I should have dropped it.
Jimin: Do you still want to do the competition or? We really do not have to.
Jimin: and I promise I won’t try to force you to do it.
Jimin: Just be honest.
Okay maybe he should give her time to answer as well before starting sweating because of her lack of answers. She was maybe overwhelmed and he was being a little bit too much. Who texted four messages anyway?
(Y/N): I don’t know. I really enjoy dancing with you. But at the same time, it’s different than just dancing with you. Being on a stage, I mean.
And he got it. He understood that.
Jimin: I can imagine, that’s why I am telling you that we don’t have to. I just want you to know that they are recruiters at the performance, if you ever want to quit everything to go back to dancing, it might be the occasion. But if you do not want to, maybe we don’t need to go through it.
(Y/N): I’ll do it.
His heart raced again. He felt a little bit stupid to be so affected by her messages but he couldn’t help it. He felt like a schoolboy all over again.
Jimin: for real?
(Y/N): It’s not really for the recruiters, don’t misunderstand. I don’t know what I want, to be honest. I’ve been told so many times that dancing was just a waste of time that I started believing that too.
Jimin: But it’s not just that to you, is it? I mean, would you have put up with me for the past three weeks if it was just a waste of time?
(Y/N): Jimin, I just told you I don’t know what I want, what I think. I’m just lost. It does not feel like I’ll ever be enough to dance, but it also does not seem like I’ll ever be enough to do whatever would please my parents. It’s been a long time since I stopped trying to think of what I wanted.
Jimin: Can I call you?
♦ ♢ ♦
(Y/N) panicked when she saw his name on the screen. She had known it had been a bad idea to answer his message. She had tried so hard to avoid him and to pretend that nothing had happened between them, as if they still were strangers... However, the messages about her parents did not sit well with her. She had never talked about that with him; she had never thought that he had noticed or known. So, not being able to prevent herself from texting back, the conversation started really clumsily; it was awkward to text him after their argument.
She should have blocked him a long time ago.
But then he started apologizing and the guilt she had tried to bury resurfaced again. Despite her own hurt feelings, she knew that she had definitely not been tender with him. She had tried to say whatever she thought would hurt the most so that he would leave her alone.
Why had she wanted him to leave so suddenly? She couldn’t even correctly remember. She had gotten so angry at the anxiety thing, but then, it got out of her own control. Why had she snapped so suddenly? She felt embarrassed of herself to be honest. She had not run away from him just because they had wanted to have nothing to do with him anymore; but rather because it seemed impossible to explain how she had not been able to manage her anger at all and thus had latched onto him quite unfairly. She was too prideful to admit it to his face. So texting was easier.
Hence, she panicked when he asked her if he could call. She was desperately trying to type “please no” but did not get to send it as she could already see his incoming call. How could she hide her pathetic hiccups now? Texting was definitely easier: she had been able to hide her tears as she had recognized her biggest insecurity; she did not know what she was doing with her life. It was hard for her to admit that she had no idea of what she wanted. (Y/N) had spent her last few years trying to please her parents but to no avail. She had never been enough. She had spent countless nights wondering if her parents would ever be proud of her. Had they told her that dancing was a waste of time only because she was the one doing it or because they truly thought that the activity in itself was not worth it? Maybe it had been her all along because even when she had tried to pursue what they had expected her to, they had only expressed their disappointment.
“Hey, you better not mean what you just typed.” She could hear his voice loud and clear and she shuddered, wondering when she had accepted the call. She must have done it mechanically, much to her dismay. She was now stuck with Jimin on the phone and couldn’t hide her wrecked mind anymore.
“I just-”, she tried to sound casual but she got stuck in the middle of her sentence, unable to continue.
“Have you been crying?” Jimin sounded panicked, she laughed quietly as she heard him fuss over her at the end of the line. He kept on asking if he should come to her with food or maybe to play games together and it made her smile warmly. The whole argument they had a few days ago seemed now so pointless and stupid that she wanted to laugh at herself. Why had she gotten so mad at Jimin?
“I’m sorry…”
“Nope, nope! Don’t say sorry. You can’t! We’ll just… (Y/N) you know, it’s okay not to know what you want to do. You don’t have to have a dream to live happily.” She sighed as she heard his soothing voice. “You’re not sure you want to be a dancer? It’s okay, no one will ever force you to become one. You don’t think that you’re cut to do what your parents expect you to? Well I think you can do it, you’re an amazing and smart woman, there are no reasons you cannot do it. But will it make you happy and is that something you want to do? That’s a question that only you have the answer to.” She closed her eyes, trying to forget about everything for a minute. She liked his voice very much. He made it seem like nothing else existed and mattered.
“But what if I only end up being a disappointment?” It was barely louder than a whisper but Jimin still caught her voice.
“A disappointment? For your parents? (Y/N), are they going to live your life?”
“No of course not, but-”
“I know you care a lot about what they think. I understand, I would be devastated if my parents were to be against what I want. But sometimes, it does not mean that it is fair. Your parents might want the best for you, but who knows better than you what makes you happy?” It made sense, but at the same time, her parents would always be there to see what she did.
“No one… Maybe... Except you.” She admitted quietly and he smiled softly at her answer.
“I wish I could tell you easily what makes you happy (Y/N). I know you like to dance; that’s true, but would you be happy to work in that field? That’s another thing and this one, you’re the only one to have the answer.” She nodded despite the fact that he couldn’t see her.
“So. What I propose is, we do this dumb competition. Obviously, we win it, and we see what you want to do afterward. Is that alright?”
“You won’t leave after the competition is done?” She seemed surprised that he did not want to only win and then well.. Then what?
“Does our friendship have an expiration date I’m not aware of, (Y/N)?” He laughed slightly, leaving her a blushing mess on the other side of the phone. She could barely believe that they had been fighting a few days ago. It truly made no sense. Not when she lov- not when they spoke together like they had always been friends. She treasured those moments.
“No, no it does not.” She smiled a bit.
“Good. Then we meet each other tomorrow to adjust the details, we win the whole thing and we go to celebrate at the restaurant. Sounds good?” She sighed at ease again. She could finally breathe a little bit better.
“Sounds good.”
♦ ♢ ♦
She was frantic. The costume suited her very well, her make-up was also pretty and Jimin and her had gotten through every movement together again one last time the day before.
However, she couldn’t help the violent shudders that were taking over her body, she couldn’t control her mind that was spiralling, imagining the worst possible scenarios that could happen during their performance, she couldn’t prevent her head from spinning and the constant want to vomit. To sum up: she was a wreck. She could faintly hear the music of other performances but she did not enjoy the festive atmosphere of the competition. Some people had thrown her some nasty looks but she was so anxious that she had not had the time to focus on that. She messaged Jimin for the billionth time to know where he was, without getting an answer. It was stressing her. She was alone when they were supposed to be together and their performance was supposed to happen in ten minutes. Had Jimin given up on her? She could understand; after all, why would someone like him want to dance with her in front of the whole school? He probably got cold feet and she couldn’t even get mad at him. Her own parents had never showed up back then when she was on the stage so why would someone want to accompany her for a performance? It was all useless, her parents had been right since the very beginning, had they not?
Everything would be okay at some point though, right?
No, nothing was okay, she was crying out of frustration, had already thrown up twice and she could already see black dots filling her vision. Just great. She was shivering as if she had a fever and she could hear less and less clearly, a tinnitus taking over her hearing. Fuck.
She was having a panic attack. No actually, she was about to faint. She felt it and she knew the signs; the shivers were getting harder and harder to hold back, meaning that she was close. She needed to quickly lie down and lift her legs in the air, it would at least help the blood flow and maybe prevent her from passing out. She would probably need a sugar cube as well but for now, she needed to stay conscious first. However, she needed to be careful. If she passed out while trying to switch her position, her head could collide with anything while falling down and she might wake up in a hospital. If she could at least avoid that, she would be grateful. Yet, as her mind was racing, she suddenly heard the door of the improvised dressing room open and someone was now scooping her into their arms. The scene felt familiar, as if she had already lived something similar, and she could smell the cologne that she had grown to adore after dancing so hard with the man for the past few days.
Jimin had arrived.
He was calling her name, she could faintly hear it over the confusion in her head. She tried to tell him that she needed to lie down and lift her legs up. She was not sure that she succeeded in pronouncing those words, it felt more like gibberish to her, but it seemed like he got it nevertheless because she was now lying down on something rather comfy and her legs were slightly up. Her hand was then pressed against something hard, covered by another hand, probably his, but as she felt her hand slowly moving up and down, she understood that Jimin had pressed her hand over his chest so that she could match his breathing. She tried her hardest to focus on the simple motion, breathing as deeply as she could without being interrupted by her own chills. Gosh she felt so pathetic. How many times had she cried in front of him already? She was not that weak normally, she held herself high every day, lifting her chin up and going through everything without complaint. Why was she being such a baby?
She blinked her tears away when she finally could see clearly again.
“Welcome back”, he smiled so gently that her heart melted under his soothing touch. She wouldn’t cry anymore, she wouldn’t cry anymore, she wouldn’t- “How are you feeling? Do you need something sweet like juice or something?” He mouthed quietly, hyper aware of her sensitive state. He tried to move slowly and talk with a low volume so that he wouldn’t trigger her again.
“T-That would be appreciated, yeah.” He grinned and shifted to get his bag. He pulled a soda out of it and handed it to her after opening it. He brushed her hair away from her face as she gulped slowly. Now able to take in her surroundings, she was starting to feel better. They surprisingly were alone in the room and it seemed like he was already suited up; he probably put his costume on before coming. She weirdly felt at ease under his warm eyes though the shame quickly crept up again. She tried to hide behind her hands but Jimin did not let her do so, catching her hands in his as he started rubbing his thumbs on her skin.
“Hey, it’s okay, it’s just me. You’re doing well, don't worry. I’m sorry I did not get here earlier, I should have thought of that. I shouldn’t have left you alone right before the show.” He hugged her close, trying to speak as slowly as he could without sounding weird. She seemed so dazed and out of it; he wasn’t 100% sure of what he was doing but he hoped that his presence was at least soothing.
“I’m sorry, I’m a mess, I don’t even know wh-”
“Don’t worry about it, yeah? I don’t think you’re a mess. You shouldn’t speak about yourself like that.” Was it wrong of her to wish for this moment to last forever? (Y/N) knew he’d soon let her go, but she selfishly wished for him to hold her longer. She felt warm and safe against him.
“You’re good?” She soundlessly nodded against his neck and he smiled lightly. “What happened to get you all worked up? Only stress?” He dared asking hoping that it would not offend her. But he did not feel her move; she stayed close to him. He mindlessly started rubbing her back as he felt her hands holding on his shirt a little bit harder as if he would disappear if she let him go.
“I don’t know, everything was suddenly too much and… I don’t know why but I feared that you wouldn’t come.” He sighed at her admission. He wanted to slap himself because he could have prevented that one at least.
“I’m sorry (Y/N). I wouldn’t have left you in the lurch, you know? We’re in this together and we’re going to win the competition together.”
“I’m not sure if I can do it Jimin.” Her breath left some shivers on his skin but he tried not to let it unsettle him.
“Well, I’m sure that you can. You have nothing to fear (Y/N). It’s the stage, you, and I. What can happen? The worst is: one of us slips. And then? Well we get up and take the choreography back where we left it. It will be fine. Do you trust me?” The question sounded stupid, of course she did. It wasn’t him that she didn’t trust.
“You know I do.”
“Then let’s go (Y/N). We’re going to nail that. And you know what’s the best?” She shook her head and he laughed a little “It’s that even if we don’t, well it’s okay! As long as you’re okay, I don’t mind not being first even if I think we’re way better than any of our competitors.” She playfully hit his arms, laughing quietly. He grinned as he heard her laugh.
“Okay?” He asked as he took her hand into his.
“Okay.”
♦ ♢ ♦
It was easier said than done though, because once her feet touched the stage, she felt herself freeze. Jimin’s lead kept her going but she felt her whole body stiffen and her voice was left stuck in her throat as she was ready to ask Jimin to turn back and leave the place as quickly as possible. He smiled brightly as they finally reached the middle of the stage and she wasn’t sure if he noticed her panic. However, he turned to her and his eyes gently met hers, silently cheering for her.
“Hey, we can do that. We worked a lot for it. You worked a lot for it. So trust me and follow my eyes. Think it’s only us in the practice room, okay? It’s only us. You and I plus the stage. It should be doable, yeah?” He smiled as brightly as he could, hoping that his confidence would give her some courage.
“Yeah… Yeah, alright, yeah. We can do it.” She whispered back and he grinned at her words. She was-obviously-still very nervous but he was sure that she would do it. There was no way she would not.
“That we can.” He finally left her to go to his spot, leaving her already on hers. Jimin had known the first moment on the stage would be the most important one for her. He needed to boost up her confidence a little and she’d be fine. She was a born dancer after all. Also, he wasn’t stupid. After realizing going on stage might be a challenge for her, he had decided that he would be the first one to dance and that she would follow closely, but only after he started. He had hoped that it would give her some additional strength to forget about everything else.
And it did.
When the music started, she jolted uneasily, feelings the stares of so many people in her. Yet, she remembered what Jimin said: her eyes did not leave his. And as he started moving gracefully in the middle of the stage, she blinked and tried to focus on him only.
She started moving too.
She forgot about everything. The stares, the people, the noises, the light that was slightly too hot, no. She forgot about it all. She just focussed on Jimin’s eyes and followed him as they had rehearsed together. It felt so easy to twirl with him, to feel her feets on the stage, to feel the air moving around her. Her heart was bursting in her chest and she only smiled at that. She saw him smile too, so everything was fine. She didn’t even know if she was following what they had prepared; she was moving mechanically, as if the choreography had been imprinted in her limbs, moving along to the music. It was a weird thought. She felt so empty but at the same time it felt so good. Her whole being was focussed on the music, and mostly on him. Him who fascinated her. He was so, oh so pretty when he danced. He looked surreal, flawlessly swaying. His hips were as graceful as the rest of his body, his pretty waist was accentuated by his costume and as she got closer to him, synchronizing herself with him, she felt his warmth. His eyes were so warm and so gentle, his smile was so carefree and happy; she wondered if he felt it too, the freedom of dancing. He had seemed so disappointed to hear that she wasn’t dancing anymore. Was it because he knew that feeling and wanted her to feel it again? His hand intertwined with her, linking their fingers together. It was so weird how a month ago she still thought of Jimin as her life enemy. She had banned dancing from her mind and here she was a month later, dancing with her so-called enemy. It felt ridiculous now that she was on stage again. It felt ridiculous that she had stopped dancing when she felt like that. It was indescriptible, there was no way to put words on that feeling. It felt like, maybe the purest form of freedom? No, even that wasn’t strong enough to explain. His arms wrapped themselves around her waist as he held her close. Everything slowed and it was only the two of them left on the stage. The lights didn’t feel quite as hot as he did. She was burning under his eyes and under his touch but she’d rather burn because of him than burn out because of her studies. She had missed that. The thrill of dancing, especially with someone. She had first liked dancing because her mom used to dance with her. Her mom had looked so happy when she was dancing with her. She used to tell her that she was pretty while she danced. Until (Y/N)’s dad had started drinking. (Y/N) had never known or realized if it was a big deal or not. Her father never shouted, never got angrier than he used to, but for some reasons, it had changed everything. Her mom had stopped playing with her as much as she used to, stopped dancing and one day told her that dancing was for the weaks. Dancing was a waste of time and shouldn’t play such a big part of her life. It was hitting her now. (Y/N) had almost forgotten why she felt so free while dancing: it used to remind her of the carefree smile of her mother. The smile that told her that everything was okay, that she loved her so much and she would always be there for her. She had tried her hardest to keep on dancing despite the harsh comments of her parents in hopes of seeing the smile of her mother again. None of them had ever shown up at one of her shows but hope had never left her. She had wanted to see-on the features of her mom-that pretty smile again; a smile that she now could see on Jimin’s face, harboring admiration and love.
He smiled despite seeing her tears because (Y/N) was smiling too. The end of their performance had not even hit both of them but she was smiling so brightly in his hands that he couldn’t help but giggle happily. He brushed away her tears, hoping that they were happy ones.
“It was worth it, wasn’t it?” She laughed a little at that.
"Definitely."
♦ ♢ ♦
“So what did they say?” Jimin had seen some of the judges come up to her. None had bothered going to him, fully knowing that he was an idol and would never accept any of their offers. However, he had seen three of them going straight for his girl and he couldn’t be more delighted.
His girl, huh?
Well, anyway. He was happy. She had seemed happy so he was good as long as she was happy. He had seen some of his fans as well who came with Army bombs, he didn’t really know what to say but he had been so happy to see that some had been able to come but that it also wasn’t a war outside. Everyone seemed to be chill about his presence and it made him relax further. So he had patiently waited for (Y/N) to return to him, waiting to know what it all was about even though he already had his own idea.
“They wanted to know if I had a school behind me or not and once I said no, they gave me their cards and told me to think thoughtfully about it. I’m already pretty sure of my decision though.” She grinned sheepishly and he looked as if he was about to burst because of the suspense she was adding.
“So… What are you going to say?” He tried not to sound impatient but he knew he probably still did.
“Probably no”, she smiled widely as she said it despite Jimin’s confusion “I don’t think this is a good idea for me. I don’t want to be in a school that will only stress me out and give a restrained structure for dancing. I don’t think a school is what I need now. I’ll think of taking some lessons again though. Maybe just not in a dancing school if you see what I mean.” And it made sense. (Y/N) had always looked for freedom while dancing. The competition with Jimin had been unhealthy on her side because she took it at heart. Her losing meant that her worth was decreasing. She would not be able to go through something like that, at least not now.
“I see. Well, as long as you’re happy, then so I am.” He took her hand in his, pulling her down to sit next to him.
“I think I realized why I started dancing while we were together on stage. And I was up there definitely for the wrong reasons. I want to start dancing for myself. Not for anyone else.” He frowned at that, not sure that he got what she meant but she seemed so happy that he did not want to press for answers. That could wait for another day.
“So, we celebrate our win?” She laughed as she heard him say that.
“The results won’t be out before tomorrow though.” She answered him grinning shyly.
“Yeah well, haven’t we already won?”
“You’re impossible”, he laughed as she playfully punched his arms, pushing him away from her. She started running away and he shouted at her to stop before she could hurt herself. Her laugh resonated in the empty streets and he started chasing her when he understood that she would not stop. He heard her yell when she looked back and saw him coming for her. He laughed as he noticed that she tried running faster. She looked cute when she was happy.
Happiness was a good look on her.
He caught her, wrapping his arms around her and lifted her from the ground to prevent her from running away again.
“Alright, you win! I’m sorry! I won’t run away again, please let me down!” She yelled in the middle, he burst into laughter as he heard her plea. He put her down, arms not leaving her though.
“Can you let me go?” She asked sweetly, still laughing a bit from their whole ridiculous game.
“Nope, you’re mine now.” He didn’t realize the weight of his words before they went past his lips and couldn’t do anything about it anymore if not blush a lot from his own bold statement.
“Oh I’m yours now?” She sounded playful and he actually wondered if she was serious or just joking. Should he make it look like it was a meaningless joke or-
Or what?
“I mean…” He tried not to sound too nervous but he probably failed miserably. It still had not hit him how much he liked her. He obviously knew that he wasn’t empty in the affections department but he still had not taken the time to stop for a moment and wonder what she meant to him. Though if he thought about it for a few seconds, he already knew the answer. He had just not wanted to put a word on it in case she might still hate him. Their friendship felt already quite unstable, he didn’t know if he could just be honest with her. He feared that he would overwhelm her.
“You what?” She nudged him and he felt almost offended that she wasn’t taking him seriously.
“I like you. I like you a lot (Y/N).”
She froze. Not expecting that answer at all. He laughed a bit at her reaction, now sure that she had been joking before. He couldn’t play the joke card anymore though, he would have to be honest with her. He didn’t know if it was a good thing or not but he would just silently pray that it was.
His eyes met hers when she turned around to face him.
“You like me?” She sounded incredulous and it made him frown.
“Why do you make it sound like that, is that a bad thing?”
“No! I mean, no wait I don’t mean no, I meant yes? No! Wait, I don’t mean yes either. I don’t know! I don’t mean it in a bad way either, I’m just… Surprised.” He laughed at her confusion, nervously babbling a barely coherent answer. Her voice got stuck in her throat when he brushed his nose with hers though.
“You have time to figure it out. I don’t mind waiting.” He smiled gently. Her eyes shined with the light of the moon and Jimin could almost see the stars inside of them. He was whipped wasn’t it?
“I- I’m not sure if I don’t already know the answer for that question too, though.” He nervously chuckled, unsure of what she meant by that.
“Yeah? You have time before rejecting me, you know?”
“Do you think that rejection might be what I have in mind when your lips look that enticing right now?” A small smile appeared on her features and he was the frozen one. He tried to shake his confusion away though because he might have the occasion of his life right there.
“Yeah? What can I do to satisfy the problem that my lips apparently created?” He got slightly closer, wrapping his arms tighter around her. He felt her warmth surrounding him and he actually had to stop himself from going further in case he wasn’t reading the right signs.
“Maybe kiss it better?” She sounded so innocent he even wondered if he heard what she said. She would be the death of him.
“You’re sure? Because this might be a very permanent choice and I might not be able to stop myself if you allow me.” His grin left his features, looking at her seriously while she smiled at him teasingly.
“What do you mean ‘stop yourself’, you wouldn’t try to strip me off my clothes in the middle of the street? Oh my god Jimin, I didn’t know you were into that kind of thing!” He got so red that she couldn’t help but laugh at his expense. Yet, he didn’t let her go and actually tried to focus again because this was important. He didn’t want to do something if he wasn’t sure that they were both consenting. But he felt embarrassed now.
“I’m serious, (Y/N).” He whined lowly.
“Oh I’m very serious too, Jimin.” She giggled happily as he pouted. “Okay, okay I’m sorry. I won’t make fun of you again.” She smiled kindly, brushing her hand against his red cheek. He closed his eyes for a second, enjoying the warmth of her fingers against his skin.
“So what are you waiting for exactly, do I have to kiss you? I’m not against it at all. I’m a very independent woman.” She laughed as he stuttered something inaudible. She was about to tease him again when he finally crashed his lips on hers. A whine escaped her and he felt very much content at the sound of it. It wasn’t much, it stayed very chaste, but when he detached himself from her, she was the blushing mess and he smiled brightly at her before kissing her again much to her delight. His heart was bursting in his chest, happiness barely held back. He couldn’t help but smile against her lips as he felt her arms wrapping around him as well, holding him closer to her-as if it was possible.
They later learnt that they did win the competition, but it honestly did not matter to Jimin anymore who woke up next to the woman he, years ago, used to bicker with and was now very much in love with. He might have to wait before dropping the L-word because he had been quite straight forward with his feelings and maybe already a little bit too much but he couldn’t see himself with anyone else. He did not care about the competition because the only win he cared about was the one of her heart.
"For a fusion to work, there needs to be balance. An imbalance can cause your fusion to lose touch with reality, see things that aren't there, and eventually fall apart. That is to say, if one of you is falling apart, your fusion will as well."
I was thinking about how Stevonnie sometimes appear to suffer from (correct me if i'm wrong) panic attacks that make the fusion separate.
Then i remember what Garnet said about "an imbalance can cause the fusion to lose touch with reality".
This means these strange visions that Stevonnie had were caused by an imbalance, someone was "falling apart" in these specific moments.
In "Alone together" it came from Connie since she mentioned how she panicked when she had to dance while other people were around her.
"There was a dance at my school, and I was really excited about it...but, I just couldn't bring myself to go. I just couldn't stop thinking about everyone staring at me."
Connie doesn't seem to have this problem anymore, as she was able to dance as Stevonnie in "Bismuth Casual" without getting nervous.
The second time it happened was in "Beach City Drift". In this episode they both get obsessed with getting back at Kevin. This anger made the fusion stop. I think they both shared part of the blame in this scenario.
What's interesting in this episode it's that it also appears to be a panic attack. However, it's not really stated what it was: a panic attack, an vision or both.
The thing is that in "Mindful education" it's more or less clear who caused the imbalance. So, i wanted to analyse other times this happened in the series with Stevonnie.
[Nathaniel/Candy] full angst / heavy mention of panic attack
Hospital scene from episode 16 completely rewritten. I'm so slooow to write ;-;
Words: 3464
Author note: Before starting this reading, I would like to highlight Candy's mental state of this episode. I personally felt a lack of investment as Nath's girlfriend. If he wasn't her LI, okay, sure. But as her boyfriend I don't agree. She saw him bleeding to death a few hours ago and she just leaves? Amber asking Candy to stay alone with Nath? Um, no? I'm not sorry to say that I have the fucking right to be with my boyfriend, as much as her.
As a writer and as Nath stan, I couldn't let it pass. I got so much frustrated that I had to rewrite the entire hospital scene because first; I can. Second; Beemov cannot get me away from my man like that. LET ME STAY. And third: I LOVE the angst.
Anyway, I hope you will enjoy the angst nonetheless ;)
Candy P.O.V.
Nathaniel has been awake for over an hour now.
A little while ago, Kim and I were interrogated separately by the police about Nath's assault before they got to question him. Kim assured me soon after that she had repeated word for word Nath's version. As for me, I did the same with a robotic voice, too tired mentally and physically to pretend to be fine in front of the policemen. They didn't ask me too much questions, perhaps discerning my torment.
Just after the police left, a nurse came to report on Nathaniel's state. We were relieved to hear his wound wasn't too deep and his organs were untouched. However, she also informed us that Nath had a head injury, so they had to keep him under observation until tomorrow to see how his condition is evolving.
My face had blanched during her whole speech, but I didn't interrupt, unlike Amber who peppered her with so many queries. She acted like a lion mama, nearly throwing a tantrum in the hallway, thankfully Kim was there to calm her down.
The nurse only concluded by saying we could now visit Nathaniel, although not for too long since he was still recovering and probably exhausted by his prior interrogation.
To my surprise, Amber requested to stay alone with him for an unknown reason. I initially didn't agree, because even if she is his sister, I'm his freaking girlfriend and there was no fucking way I would leave like that! Not without seeing him safe and sound.
Besides, how she asked rubs me the wrong way, like I wasn't that much important. I acknowledge she has a special bond with her brother, still, it wasn't a good reason enough to push me aside. I know she has changed and I don't rightfully hate her anymore, but God, I just wanted to punch her face at that moment.
Hopefully she agreed to let me stay in the end, thanks to Kim who interjected in my favor. However, Amber still demanded to see him by herself first and to avoid another outburst in the hospital, I let her do as she pleased despite my own wish to come along. Only because I would be alone with Nath after as she promised not to be too long.
When Amber left, Kim kindly offered to stick around with me a little longer, to which I refused. While I'm grateful for her concern, I needed to be by myself for a moment. Moreover, I would have felt bad to monopolize her presence just for my sake, because she too, was tired after such a night. She despised the hospital anyway, so, she went home to rest without insisting.
And now I'm on my own in the waiting room for what felt like eternity.
I can't remember how long I've been counting the minutes. The hand of the clock is turning, and yet, time seems to have frozen. It ticks with an annoying sound as if to emphasize the surrounding silence of death, reminding me again and again this disastrous evening.
That deafening noise is taunting me, resounding a little louder as soon as I lose the thread, just to have the pleasure to grab all my attention while I'm waiting to see Nathaniel. I watch it with a rather confusing obsession despite my annoyance.
I hate myself for that, I can't help but check the seconds spinning through the clock face. Because that noisy thing represents the heartbreaking absence of Nath by my side. Even if I know that on the other side of the wall, he's alive...
Slumped on my chair, I bring my legs against my chest, my forehead glued to my knees. I need to see him so much ...
"Are you all right, Miss?"
I raise my head sharply. Another worried middle-aged nurse is looking at me and I can see pity through her clear eyes. What a sorry sight am I.
"Y-yes." Great, my voice is shaking. "I ... I'm just waiting to see my boyfriend ..."
"Oh ... is it the boy who arrived at the emergency room earlier?" I only nod, unable to speak at the recall of the events. The nurse sits next to me, her clipboard pad resting on her lap.
"Your boyfriend is safe now, don't worry." she begins in a benevolent tone that irks me. "His relative is by his side right now, but you can rest for a while."
The nurse's compassion touches me deeply, or maybe it's tiredness that speaks for me, because I feel my eyes sting a little bit as I'm about to cry any time soon.
"I have to see him first."
"This evening must have been very hard for you too, you have the right to rest. I'm sure he won't be angry if you come back later." She still insists.
"I can't!" I nearly scream. "I need to see him!"
Unable to contain myself anymore, I hunker down, squeezing my arms so hard that a red mark is blemishing my skin. I can't go home. Not now, not like that! Not seeing him drives me crazy! I'm exhausted ... my whole body is sore.
"Would you like to call someone? Family, friends?"
I shake my head, eyes closed. Her insistence begins to pester me. Why is everyone is completely disregarding my feelings? Amber, the nurse, even Nath. I'm that much insignificant not to have anything to say. My voice, no matter how I yell, is unheard and my opinion not even an option.
Amber had already asked me if she could see him first, alone, and I meekly agreed to make her happy. And yet, I had to fight so I wouldn't be sent away, still muffled and saved by someone else. The nurse now pushes me to go home for the sake of resting regardless my desire to stay.
And Nath… Damn, he didn't even wanted to see me at the gym. Kim said she called me because he agreed to, but with the way he acted, I doubt that. He was so stubborn, not listening to anything and facing my lack of power, Kim decided to call the ambulance against his will.
During the ride to the hospital I have wondered; if she hadn't phoned me, I would have been unaware of Nathaniel's state since brother and sister like to keep secrets as if I wasn't part of their life. As if … I was nothing.
"Just leave me. Go away." I coldly mumble, chasing those memories away.
The nurse doesn't insist anymore and walk away after reminding me to contact the medical staff if I needed anything. Like hell I would. I feel many eyes on me nonetheless, kept under surveillance from afar. My mental state seems to worry them, but I don't care. All my thoughts are turned to one person.
I decided to get up after her departure though, to freshen up a bit, the need to walk and think about something else motivating me to move. Specially to avoid their insistent stares, almost too heavy with judgment.
When I see myself in the mirror, I quickly comprehend their dismay. It is anything but glorious ... My hair is disheveled, my eyes are swollen from crying and consequently, my mascara has heavily dripped on my cheeks. My white-like face doesn't really help to improve my condition. I look a fright ... The most impressive thing is my clothes stained with blood – his blood –. No wonder the nurses were concerned.
I hurry to make a coarse bun in order to hold my hair in place, then rinse my face, erasing below the neon light all traces of this morbid night. I still look exhausted but at least I'm more presentable.
Once I'm satisfied with my reflection, I go back to my seat. Meanwhile Amber has appeared in my line of sight, coming out of the elevator with a sullen expression. My heart skips a beat and I run to join her.
"Amber!" She glances up at my panicked face and smiles weakly to reassure me as best she could, although it looks more like a grimace.
"I was looking for you. You can go see him."
"How is he?" I ask, worried about her peaky look.
"The doctors told me he could go home soon. Luckily, he can talk and move despite his head trauma."
Upon hearing the news, all the pressure on my shoulders evaporates bit by bit. I'm so relieved he is fine…
"Did he ..." The blonde cuts me off, shaking her head in negative. He didn't reveal anything to her either.
I sigh, depressed. Of course, he's not the type to vent so easily. Even her twin sister doesn't know everything about him. The few times we spoke indicates that Nathaniel didn't confide to her as much as she believes to.
"I'm sorry for earlier…" she suddenly resumes, changing the subject. "… for insisting to see my brother alone. But please understand that I needed to talk to him. Nothing against you."
I'm taken off guard by her sudden apologies. I really didn't expect it at all to be honest…
"I… It's fine. I guess." I articulate, dumbfounded.
She averts her eyes, probably feeling too guilty to look at me directly. "I may have overreacted."
"You did. And to tell you the truth, it hurt me." I frankly blurt out.
"So honest, as always. I like that about you." She lets out a small laugh and I smile in return. I'm glad she noticed her wrongdoing and asked for my forgiveness. She was as anxious as I was, so, I can understand in a sense. And to be fair, I'd probably request the same in her shoes if she wasn't her relative…
"Thank you again for being there for him ... Thank you for everything. You saved his life." She sobs in a weak voice, taking my hands in hers.
I lower my eyes at her statement, not sure to deserve gratitude. I didn't do anything. Kim saved Nathaniel while I was watching him, helpless. My conscience planting arrows in my heart keeps me quiet, not knowing what to answer.
Amber's hand pulls me out of my thoughts by squeezing mine. She stares without saying anything, her message mute. I only notice now that her green eyes have lost their sparkle, filled with remorse too.
"I'm going to his flat to bring some clothes and feed Blanche. I'll be back soon." she informs, gently releasing my hand. "Watch over him, please. He's waiting for you."
I just agree in silence, the knot around my neck tightening slightly. I don't waste more time to watch her go and fly to the elevator. And damn the seconds feel like hours in the lift. I've waited so long to see Nath that I tremble like a leaf out of stress.
My anxiety is only amplifying, trapped in this metallic box. The walls come off as an oppressive cage, shrinking around me. I feel like I'm suffocating ... It makes my mind runs wild, what I've striven to push back in my mind suddenly arises with brutality.
My boyfriend is laying in a hospital bed after an attempted murder.
The bloodcurdling realization I could have lost him forever tears me from inside. I remember too well watching him bleed to death. I can still smell the blood, see the light in his eyes weakening and his life being taken away slowly…
I struggle in vain to hold back my suffering, but it's far beyond my strength. I can't help but dwell on the events, unable to think of anything but his twisted face of pain, the gaping wound and the pool of blood.
It wasn't an accident. Someone tried to end his life.
Stop! I must not panic. Do not panic!
Nathaniel is fine, Nathaniel is fine ... I repeat these words like a mantra.
Focusing on dominating my terror, I close my eyes for a moment and inhale deeply. My breath is shaking, but I keep taking deep breath to calm the frantic beat in my chest. My body is agitated with nervous spasms, I squeeze my hands hard to stop my tremors. Carefully ... slowly ... I'm breathing.
At long last the elevator stops and after a soft "ding", slides open. The overwhelming gasp of air at the opening wakes me up from my horrifying trance, my lungs finally accepting some oxygen. After a gulp, I'm resolved to get out and stand right in front his room. I enter with a gentle push on the door which creaks faintly under the pressure of my fingers.
What I see behind crushes my heart. Nathaniel seems to have fallen asleep, but his features are drawn, denoting extreme fatigue. His face is still a little pale, but slowly picks some colors up again. His left eye is slightly swollen, as are his knuckles. There was no doubt he tried to defend himself against his aggressors as much as he could.
I pinched my lips so as not to break down again, shaken beyond word by his atypical vulnerability. I must be strong. I shed enough tears.
At some point, I finally allow myself to approach with catlike stealth to avoid waking him up. My hand smooths his golden hair, brushing aside wet strands on his forehead. Softly … fearing of hurting him more. With the same care, I stroke his damaged hands in hope it would erase the marks of his fight. I wish I could take all of his pain…
"You're here…"
I jump, startled. Nathaniel is awake. He painfully opens his eyelids to gaze at me. I'd like to answer something, but on the verge of tears, words are strangled in my throat.
"I'd have preferred to welcome you in some other way." he continues with a sheepish smile in an effort to relax the atmosphere. Except it provokes the opposite of the desired effect.
He looks at me, his eyes filled with grief. His hand frees itself from mine to caress my cheek and I close my eyes to enjoy his touch full of tenderness. I barely notice him wiping a tear that has escaped against my will. And here I promised myself not to cry anymore. Damn it…
"I ruined our date again." He feebly murmurs. "Forgive me."
I shake my head, eyelids firmly closed. Other tears flood with me powerless to stop it. Nath remains silent, busy to dry all the sad pearls rolling on my skin.
"Don't be ridiculous, you idiot ..." I end to whisper with a trembling voice. "We'll have other dates. I just want you to heal quickly."
I swallow my tears somehow and finally open my eyes to offer him the best smile I could do. Nevertheless, he only observes me without saying anything, his look indecipherable. His eyes glint with a dark and melancholy glow, almost seeking to penetrate my thoughts.
His face seems tortured, preoccupied, a frown on his forehead. A voice in my head hisses that pain is not the main cause. Anxiety, anger, guilt, maybe something else. I'm not sure what I can read. He carries my hand to his lips and kisses it with infinite love, contrasting with his painful expression.
Nath, is there something you're not telling me?
The rustling sound of sheets catches my attention all of sudden. My veiled eyes immediately fall on Nathaniel who's trying to get up, his face disfigured in pain.
"Nath!" With an unsteady step, I try to lie him down but this obstinate man resists.
"I just want to sit down, I'm tired of laying." He insists.
"Don't be foolish, you have to rest! Imagine if your wound opens again!"
I'm unsuccessfully trying to convince him, but he is too adamant and completely deaf to my protests. I shortly give up, helpless in front of his stubbornness, and put his cushion in a way he can lean on it without hurt. It takes him a few minutes to find the right position.
"It doesn't hurt too much?" I ask as I sit on the mattress to get closer.
"I'm fine ... I've experienced worse."
Worse? What can be worse than being stabbed in the abdomen? Could it be related to the scar on his lips? To his father? My face runs out of blood just imagining it. Facing my frightened look, Nath takes my hand again squeezes it more firmly.
"No wait! I mean ..." he resumes with difficulty. "... I'll be okay, you don't have to worry about that."
"How could you ..." His thumb lays on my lower lip to keep me quiet, fondly brushing it.
"I'm fine, okay? That's all you need to think about now."
"But you nearly killed yourself, how could you expect me to stay calm after that? Nath, you could have died!"
"What happened, happened. And I'm still alive."
What the hell! I know he wants to be reassuring but he can't tell me that like that, as if it was something trivial!
"Listen to me," He begins but I refuse to hear his nonsense. I drop and shake my head. The situation is so absurd, it makes me crazy! It's a nightmare. Breathing becomes difficult again, I feel like choking once more.
Sensing my distress, Nath cups my face and forces me to look at him. "Listen to me!"
He gives me time to calm myself before carrying on. I stare back with a look in which an unreasonable dread is reflected. I know I'm overreacting but …
"You're afraid." I'm not. I'm terrified. "I understand, I really do. But look, I'm fine."
He caresses my cheeks with lots affection and so much care to put me at peace, but I'm still shivering so much. However, my body is less stiff now, soothed by his voice.
"I'm fine…" He calmly repeats again, insisting on this point until I stop shuddering. "All I need is my girlfriend by my side. This night has been painful enough for you and for me… We both need to rest. Just let me enjoy your company. Is it too much to ask?"
I have to admit he's right. He is indeed fine. He survived and is certainly exhausted by his injury. I was so preoccupied by my own fear I forgot the most important; taking care of him. Ashamed, I lower my eyes.
"I'm sorry…"
"No don’t be, love." He murmurs, putting his forehead against mine. "I'm the one who should be. You deserve so much better than that."
"Shut up." I sob. Our faces are so close, caressed by our breath, yet I feel so far away from him, an unbreakable wall between us. And I know… he is the one building it, pushing me away. Again.
"Come." He simply finishes by opening his arms. He wants us to cuddle.
"Your wound, it could open ..." I weakly protest, fighting against my own desire to snuggle against him.
"My right side is fine." Nath persists. I don't want him to suffer ... My hesitation crumbles a little more when he softly pleads:
"I need you in my arms ..."
I don't want to start a quarrel, especially in these conditions. I'm too tired anyway. Besides, I'd lie if I said I don't want to be in his arms too ...
Short of argument, I breathe: "Promise me to tell me if you're in pain."
He simply nods, and I give up. With caution, I go around the right side of the bed where he's not injured. I'm careful not to lean too much upon him, my side propped against his cushion, but my head finds its way to the crook his neck. His right arm slides around my waist and presses me a little more against him despite my reluctance, yet I oppose no resistance. His soothing heartbeat under my palm relaxes me. He is still alive…
Being in his arms drains all energies I had left, in other word, almost none. My eyes close when he brushes a warmth kiss full of comfort on the top of my head. I'm just so weak even though I should be the one who supports him. I can't help myself thinking I must do more than complaining and crying.
He silences me when I word my thoughts and confesses that being here is more than enough. Actually, it is what he needs the most according to him so, I'm not arguing. After all, a nurse is coming soon to kick me out and I don't want to leave him with a pointless fight.
Silence now surrounds us. Not a single word is shared anymore. We are just enjoying each other presence…
… as if it would be the last time.
Nope, no no no, not happening definitely not happening.
First Previous Next
Warnings: some swearing but that’s it.
Virgil stood awkwardly outside of Roman’s door, his nerves nearly getting the better of him. He rubbed his arm anxiously, he was starting to be unsure about this whole plan, but it was the best one they could come up with.
A few days ago~
Virgil wasn’t exactly sure what to do, he had this weird fuzzy feeling in his chest and he couldn’t say that he particularly liked it. And no, it wasn’t his usual anxiety feeling, this felt warmer and made him want to run and hide in his room even more than normal.
The worst part was that he always felt it more around Roman and he didn’t know why, because of this he’s been avoiding the Prince a bit, though that honestly only made him feel worse. He had also started to notice the little things about the creative side, like how his posture seemed to drop some when he thought no one was looking, or how he was spacing out more than usual. And last but not least, he had started to take more notice to Roman’s laughs, his smile, the way his eyes gleamed when he talked about performing and the stories he wanted to work on.
Not knowing what to do at this point, Virgil went to the expert of all feelings, Patton. After breakfast one day the former dark side went over the moral side’s door, though he admittedly almost chickened out. After knocking a few times Patton opened the door.
“Oh, hey kiddo, did you need something?” He asked. Virgil rubbed the back of his neck, he really didn’t like talking to about his problems to others.
“Hey Patt, um, could you maybe help me with a problem?
If your busy that’s fine!”Virgil said while waving his hands, not wanting to make the side feel like he has to help him. “It’s not that important anyways! You know what this was stupid sorry Pat I’ll just get going.” He started to walk away until Patton, trying his best not to startle the other, grabbed his hand.
“Virgil, if somethings bothering you, we should talk about it. Trust me, it doesn’t help to hide away your feelings.” Patton said, giving Virgil a soft smile. Virgil still wasn’t sure, but he knew the father figure was right.
So, sighing, he returned the smile and Patton led him inside his room. He sat down on the bed, thinking about the last time he was in this room. I wonder if this was a good idea. Patton seemed to sense his nervousness, because he gave a small chuckle and waved around his room.
“Don’t worry kiddo, I’m feeling having a good day and not at all nostalgic, so my room should reflect that. However, if it starts to feel like to much, just tell me, we could head over to the kitchen or something.” He said, trying to put the other at ease. After the last time, Patton had tried to change up his room a bit to focus a bit more on the present, though he would be lying if he said that his closest wasn’t at least partially filled with items from the past.
Virgil did relax, even if it was just a little bit. He was still a little on edge, but knowing that there was an escape was very helpful.
“So, what did you want to talk about?” Prompted Patton. The anxious side rubbed his arm nervously
“Well, if been feeling kinda weird lately.” He said. Well that was a little vague, Patton thought.
“Weird? What do you mean? Are you sick?” He asked, the moral side needed a bit more info if he was going to help his dark strange son.
“Maybe? I don’t know. I don’t have any symptoms of being sick, I just feel, weird.” V irbil, dropping his hands onto the bed in defeat. Why must I be so terrible at explaining?
“Well, that’s not good….” Patton said, still trying to figure out what was actually going on. “Could you explain a bit more? What a things are you feeling?”
“Um, well, kinda sick but not really? Like my stomach feels weird and almost, fuzzy?” Virgil tried to explain. Patton hummed, gesturing for Virgil to continue.
“Um, my face gets kinda warm I guess, my ears practically feel like their burning.” He said. Patton smiled a bit, starting to put the pieces together. Of course, it was always wrong to assume, but speculating isn’t that bad right?
“I think I might know what’s up Virgil, but I need just a little more info.” The father figure said, “do you feel this way around anyone in particular?”
Virgil rubbed the back of his neck, sitting still, this was starting to make him a bit fidgety. “Um, yah actually, is that a bad sign?” He asked, his voices becoming slightly more panicked.
“No no kiddo everything’s fine.” Patton said, shaking his hands in front of him in a sign of surrender. He forgot for a second that not being clear really worried Virgil. “It actually helps my theory.” The former dark side seemed to calm down a bit.
“That’s good.” He said, breathing a sigh of relief.
“Do you mind telling me who this person is?” Asked Patton, trying to be more careful with his words this time. Virgil got a bit embarrassed thinking about telling Patton who, though he wasn’t entirely sure why, he just blamed it on his anxiety.
“It’s, uh, it’s worse when I’m around Roman for some reason.”
Virgil wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but it sure wasn’t for Patton to squeal in joy, his eyes practically turning into stars.
“Um, you good Patt?” Virgil asked, a bit concerned for his friend. It took Patton a moment to calm down because in his mind just kept going, yes! My ship has sailed!
“Yah, I’m good Virgil, and I think I know the reason your feeling this way.”Patton said, not thinking about how his dark strange son might handle the news. Vigil leaned in, curios as to what conclusion the other had come to.
“I think you like Roman.” Patton said with a smile.
Virgil was actually taken aback by this. Because, no, there was no way that he could like the Princly side. There was just no way! They were complete opposites! They argued constantly, they even had this whole villain and hero routine going for them, there was no way in hell or heaven that he could like Roman. So, being the analytical thinker he is, he simply said…
“Nope, no no no, not happening definitely not happening.” He said, getting up and pacing around the room. “I refuse to like Princy that way.” He stated, pointing an almost accusing finger at the fatherly side. Patton chucked, kinda expecting this kind of reaction.
“I don’t really think you have a choice in the matter kiddo.” He said, trying to give his best sympathetic smile when he found the whole situation quite funny. Virgil came to a stop and looked at Patton with a confused face that looked like he had just seen a ferret jump into the sky and start flying.
“B-but, but how do you even know that I like him?!” Virgil asked, trying to find anything that went against Patton’s idea.
“Well, you have all the symptoms of having a crush, plus I’ve notice that you have started to sneak glances at Roman more.” Patton said, wiggling his eyebrows. Virgil blushed slightly from the fact that Patton had figured him out so easily. Now that he thought about it, he guess he had been watching Roman a lot more. Not in a creepy way! He was just, well he was Roman! How could someone not admire him! He was smart, creative, nice, handsom-
Oh shit.
He liked Roman. He liked Roman! But that makes no sense, they were opposites, they argued more times than he could count! God he was in so much trouble.
“How though?! Me and Princy barely get along, how do I now have a crush on him?!” He asked Patton desperately.
“Don’t know, but I do know that you just admitted to yourself that you have a crush on him.” Patton said with a sly smirk. It honestly kinda freaked Virgil out.
“I think Deceit is starting corrupt you Patton.” Patton shrugged at Virgil’s comment, he had honestly gotten that habit from Roman, he often smirked when he was trying to mess with someone.
“Anyways, I thinks it good that you’ve come to terms with you crush,” Patton said smiling, “I think you and Roman would be a good match for each other.”
Virgil blushed yet again, the idea of him and the royal side in a relationship, well it wasn’t a bad thought. The purple wearing side sighed heavily and practically threw himself onto Patton’s bed, nearly making Patton fall off. He buried his face into one of the many pillows and just grumbled. Even if Virgil could ever find the courage to tell Roman, which was about as likely as the dinosaurs coming back, there was an absolutely zero percent chance that Roman would return his feelings. He was Anxiety! The embodiment of worry and bad coping mechanisms, who could like him. He suddenly felt someone put a hand on his shoulder and he jumped up, fight or flight kicking in. Luckily when he looked he just saw Patton with an apologetic look on his face.
“Sorry, I forgot to warn you. But how are you doing with all this?”
“It’s ok, and honestly I don’t know. What am I supposed to do?” Virgil asked.
“Well, you do what you can.” Patton said. “You could either try to confess to him sometime soon, or you can try to, you know” Patton gestured to the air, “charm him and try to get to the point of asking him out.” Virgil groaned again.
“Do I have to tell him, can’t I just stuffed these feeling in a jar and throw that jar off a cliff?” Patton laughed once more.
“Haha! No, not really. When you have feelings for someone, its always better to tell them than try to ignore it all.
Virgil considered this. Well, the first one was definitely out, there was no way he could tell Roman that he liked him only to just get immediately shot down, but the other one…..
“I don’t know Patton, I don’t really know how I’m supposed to “charm” someone, especially Roman.” Virgil said. Patton pondered for a second.
“Weeeeeell, you could take him out too dinner or something. That’s what people normally do.” He said.
Virgil rubbed his arm in discomfort. “But what if we don’t have anything to talk about? What if he doesn’t like the food? Or what if he realizes that I like him because having dinner with him would kinda be like a dat-”
“Ok ok, so you don’t like that idea.” Patton said, trying to stop the former dark side form going into a panic attack. “Maybe something else, like a game or project that you guys could be focused on?” Virgil had to admit that he like that idea a lot more because then it would make sense if he couldn’t think of anything to say.
“Um, maybe? I guess that might work.” Virgil said, trying to think of an activity they could do. “Got any suggestions on what we could do?”
“Hmmm, maybe some kind of art project? We all know how much roman like to draw.”
“I don’t know, art projects take a lot of time, the conversation might dry up.” Vigil said. He was a master at finding the holes in any plan, so if he was going to do this then everything had to be perfect.
“um, I don’t really know what else.” Patton said, his hand under his chin, clearly raking his brain for ideas. He sighed when his mind drew a blank. “Well, I guess its time to look to the internet for ideas.” Patton said while pulling out his phone which had a light blue case with pictures of dogs on it.
Virgil leaned over to look at Patton’s phone while he typed in “what to do on a sorta date”. I bet he gets absolutely nothing, Virgil thought. You can imagine his surprise when about 3,000 results came up.
“What the hell” he said, a look of confusion painted on his face. Patton once again just shrugged and stated that the internet was weird. The started looking around and after about a straight hour of finding useless knowledge about how to pull of a “perfect date”, Virgil felt like falling into a pit and staying there for the rest of his days. He groaned as he slowly slid of the bed and onto the floor, looking quite a lot like a worm that had been thrown of a hook.
“Sorry, I really thought that we would have been able to get some kind of idea on what to do at by this point.” Patton sighed while he turned off his phone.
“This is pointless Patton!” Virgil said exasperated. “Even if I could somehow get Roman to agree to hang out, I’ll probably get stressed out, panic and run!” He quickly sat crisscross legged and threw his hands into the air like he was complaining to whatever ancient being that ruled the universe. Patton looked worriedly at his dark strange son. He put his hand on his chin trying to think of what to do next.
“Ok, so were not getting anywhere with looking at what others have done, lets try to find something that you would be comfortable with.” Patton said, giving the other a smile.
At this point, Virgil felt kinda horrible about how much time this was taking out of Pattons schedule. So instead of answering the question he tried to leave.
“I’m sorry this is taking so long Pat, I think its honestly about time we just give up.” He said as he stood up and made to head to the door. He was mightily surprised when Patton grabbed his hand and yanked him back onto the bed.
“Nope. I’m not letting you give up.” Patton said as Virgil recovered. “I know you Virgil, and I can see this is important to you, so you’re officially not aloud to leave until we find a solution.” Virgil snorted at the others proud declaration.
“Alright dad, I guess you have a point.” He took a moment to think. “I guess I would be most comfortable with something where talking is optional. It would also be nice if it didn’t scream “date” if you know what I mean.” Suddenly Pattons face lit up, he then followed up by lightly smacking his hand against his forehead. Virgil was quite startled by the action.
“How did I not think about it before?!” The moral side said excitedly.
“Um, think of what? I’m not exactly a mind reader over hear Patton.” Virgil asked.
“It’s simple! Have a movie date!” Patton said, I wide smile painted on his face. You could practically see the lightbulb go off over Virgil’s.
“Patt, you’re a genius.” Virgil said, a small smile coming over his face. Princy loves movies and that way he won’t suspect anything since we do group movie nights all the time, Virgil thought. Patton, somehow, did seem to be a mind reader.
“It perfect! You can learn a lot about people from the kinds of movies they like, plus then you don’t have to talk the entire time! And if he gets too suspicious you could just play it off as a friend movie date!” You could almost see the stars in the fatherly side’s eyes at this point.
“Yah, I think this will actually work” Virgil said, actually getting a little confidence now that they had an idea of what they should do.
They worked out every detail so as too make sure that Virgil had nothing to worry about, Patton even offering to say that he needed Virgil for a project if he got to nervous.
Present~
That’s what led Virgil to this. He looked to his right and saw Patton sticking his head around the corner. He smiled and gave the anxious one a thumbs up and whispered something like “you got this” or something, Virgil couldn’t actually hear. He took a deep breath to try and calm his nerves, he reminded himself that he had over a million back up plans in case something went wrong. Come on, just do it already, he thought to himself. He knocked twice on the door.
No turning back now.
There was a bit of shuffling and something bumping into the door from the other side before it opened.
“Virgil? What are you doing here? Can I help you with something?” Roman asked, a look of confusion on his face. Virgil took another deep breath, his heart already beating faster.
“Hey Princy, want to hang out?”
I finally go the next chapter out! I apologize for taking so long, I’ve been slightly under the wether and had just an overall stressful week, so thank you for being patient. I hope you like the cliffhanger, being evil is just one of the perks of being a writer. Likes and reblogs are always deeply aprecieated but thank you for just reading. Well, thats all for now humans, have a good day, Bye!
Also if you would like to be added to the tag list, please just leave a comment, thank you for reading!
(This is just a vent thing. Don’t worry about me, I’m fine)
So I’m going to Scout Camp next week, right? The majority of people that know me would be like “Oh, girl scout camp?” Nah, you’ve got that wrong. I’m going to BS camp (basically how it is, my personal opinion). Of course, people who’ve seen me on Tumblr “Oh, that doesn’t sound so bad! But the outside IS scary”
You see, I’ve had this subconscious fear of men ever since I’ve been... nine. Groups of men and boys. I’ve always been terribly anxious around them even though I am a boy myself. Physically, not a boy. Mentally, very feminine boy. So, my friends’ parents had a divorce, right? Because their father was/is abusive. They still have 50/50 custody of their children. WHich I disagree with TREMENDOUSLY. Ever since him, I’ve automatically hated/feared every man I’d come in contact with, and knowing what men around the world do, I’ve always feared that they’d do that even if they’re good people.
SO! As you can see, I’m basically fearing for my life as I go to this camp because, hey, I could get cat-called because I am what people would call “thick.” I know that is very unlikely, but who tf knows anymore, right? I’M LITERALLY ALMOST ON THE EDGE OF AN INTERNAL PANIC ATTACK EVERY TIME I THINK OF THIS CAMP AND NOBODY KNOWS!!! I’M SCARING THE SHIT OUT OF MYSELF OVER THIS AND NOBODY KNOWS!! NOT EVEN MY MOM! OR MY DAD! THEY’D BE LIKE “You don’t have to worry about that. You’re going to be with your scout troop (which is TWO OTHER GIRLS!! And a scout mom but still. THREE). Those boys know better.” Okay. But do you know how many there’s going to be there, mom? HUNDREDS! OF! BOYS! THAT! I! DONT! KNOW! HUNDREDS OF THEM!!!! “But you’ll have the other scout troop as well, it’s okay.” Okay, but twelve boys out of hundreds? Mom. Forgive me but, I’M STILL FREAKING THE FUCK OUT!!
I’m working myself up over nothing but I seriously can’t help it... I’m sorry.
