#mentoringrelationships

[mentorwise]

Get past the ask; initiate the mentoring conversation

Recently I was on a panel at a university addressing mentoring, sharing best practices and ways for the students to utilize a mentor to support their career vision and development.  What these business students and many others want to know is “How do I find a mentor?” And then, “How do I ask someone to mentor me?” 

There are many people out there who would love to be mentored by you.  To have a mentor who asks them powerful questions and helps them see things from a new perspective.  A mentor, who is interested in supporting the mentee’s development versus just doling out advice.  It might be a colleague, a student, a neighbor, or even your boss. 

With today being GivingTuesday, a day when we are encouraged to make donations to our favorite charities, I want to encourage mentors to be proactive and offer your mentoring support without always first being asked.  Why is this an important request?  Because many individuals are afraid to ask for your help and for your time.  

When you sense that someone would appreciate a listening ear or an objective perspective, offer to have a conversation.  Just a conversation! Not a lifetime commitment as their mentor.  Mentoring is just a type of conversation – it doesn’t need a fancy label in order for it to happen. The important distinction about an effective mentoring conversation is that it is purposeful and is about helping the other person learn new approaches, perspectives and insights to reaching their goals. 

Mentoring someone is a gift (you get to receive and give!).  Take it one step further on GivingTuesday and everyday – don’t wait to be asked.  Anticipate the need and generously initiate the mentoring conversation.

[mentorwise]

Mentors vs. sponsors: Are mentors still an asset for women?

Women are over-mentored and under-sponsored in the workplace.  And that is holding women back from advancing to senior management and C-level roles, according to Sylvia Ann Hewlett in her book, Forget a Mentor, Find a Sponsor.

But should women really “forget” about developing and utilizing mentors?  And what about your role as a mentor – is it still valuable? 

While I adamantly agree that sponsors are the secret weapons to career advancement and women are under-sponsored, there are important distinctions between having a sponsor and having a mentor.

The role of the sponsor is to champion for “their person” to get key assignments and advancement opportunities. It is an alliance based on trust and results, where the sponsor is basically staking their reputation on the protégé’s ultimate performance.  Whereas, the mentor usually doesn't have the same stake in a mentee’s career and is more apt to share advice and be a supportive resource in the mentee’s development.

As a mentor, it is useful to ensure that your mentee knows the distinction and doesn’t expect you to actively advocate for her or him, unless it is appropriate for you to also wear that sponsor hat – which sometimes happens.

I recently moderated a panel of accomplished women with Women in Bio and Women In Technology in DC.  After the panel, a number of women came up to me, eager to get advice on their careers.  The issues ranged from improving their self-confidence to what to do when asked to perform “women’s duties,” like taking meeting notes and planning the office parties.  Those types of issues are appropriate for a mentoring conversation (vs. going to a sponsor), where the mentor’s experience can be quite valuable in helping the mentee to develop new skills, tactics and strategies for handling career issues.

Mentors can also support a mentee’s efforts to identify and develop a sponsor through introductions to their own connections and co-creating some strategies with the mentee.

Mentors, you are valued.  Keep on mentoring and do your part in supporting the development of remarkable women leaders in the workplace. 

[mentorwise]

It’s just a story: change it

“The world isn't just the way it is. It is how we understand it, no? And in understanding something, we bring something to it, no? Doesn't that make life a story?” ― Yann Martel goodreads

Think about that quote.  How do stories impact the mentoring conversation?  The stories that we bring into the conversation – about oneself, about our mentee, about the organization.  The stories that our mentee holds and tells – about her experiences, about her situation, about her strengths and weaknesses.

As human beings, we make sense out of our experiences by turning them into stories.  Stories help us communicate our experience to others.  But those stories are just our interpretation of the situation or experience, and that interpretation or story changes over time, as we layer on more stories of our life experiences.

Does that mean we can’t believe the stories that our mentees share?  To me, it means that being aware that these are “just our stories” can help inform and add value to the mentoring conversation, in these ways:

Listen for your mentee’s story.  What beliefs, values and assumptions are reflected in that story?  This provides deeper understanding and empathy.

If you notice that your mentee’s story may not be serving them, ask the mentee directly, “How is that working for you?”

Notice your own listening.  What stories of your own are you bringing into the conversation?  A clue that your own story might interfere with your listening is when you begin to think, “I would do X, if that were me!” 

The great thing about our lives being a story is that we can change it going forward.  Changing the story, that we tell others and ourselves, can help us leave old, negative stories behind and create the future stories that we really want.   

[mentorwise]

Knowing when to say goodbye

Last year I wrote about J.J., a bulldog puppy and the newest mascot for the Georgetown Hoyas.  J.J. was being mentored by Jack, the aging mascot.  Well, J.J. didn’t work out.  It seems that J.J. wanted to do things his own way and wasn’t too fond of the Hoyas youngest fans.  Now Jack is back and no longer mentoring J.J. 

  How do you know when it is time to wrap up your mentoring relationship?  In some cases, mentoring relationships last a lifetime.  In others, a specific timeframe is set right upfront (i.e., in many formal mentoring programs). But for mentors who don’t have that structure, there usually comes a time when you begin to wonder if you are still adding value and should continue the relationship. 

Here are a few indicators that it might be wise for you and your mentee to move on – be it to a different type of relationship or parting ways.

All talk, no action – you see the mentee unwilling to change behaviors that are not working for him, despite numerous conversations and efforts to help him establish new practices or behaviors.   

Beyond your scope – sometimes a mentee just needs a different type of support; someone with expertise in a specialized area or even someone with a different set of lenses.

Reciprocity is missing – you don’t feel like you are getting anything in return anymore – learning new things, enhancing your own leadership skills, giving back, etc. Both parties should benefit from the mentoring relationship.

It’s no longer fun – let’s face it, mentoring should be enjoyable and meaningful for you, the mentor.  For whatever reason, if your heart is not in it, then move on.

Goals have been met – the purpose for the mentoring has been achieved and there is no longer a real need for continued mentoring.  Woohoo!

Whatever the reason for concluding the mentoring relationship, please take the time to share your thoughts with the mentee and get their input.  You may find that the relationship just needs to be rejuvenated with a new purpose.  Or perhaps the mentee has known that it was time to part, too, but didn’t know how to say goodbye.

[mentorwise]

Mentoring a good loser: The path to success

We all love winners.  Our culture celebrates success and winning in our schools, in all levels of sports programs, and in our organizations.  And we don’t really like to spend much time talking about failure or losing.  But as a mentor, at times you probably find yourself dealing with mentees who have experienced a loss or failure of some sort.  It may be causing your mentee to feel sorry for herself, to blame others, or even worse, to not even try for fear of failing again.

Research on champion athletes shows an interesting twist to our traditional attitude towards losing.  As Sally Jenkins reported in The Washington Post, “Here’s the scientific fact: Athletes who don’t shy away from failure – and who examine it honestly – tend to eventually come out winners.”* 

The ability to examine failure in technical terms and let go of the disappointment quickly are key to changing the outcome.  In brain scans of Olympic-level swimmers, those who were shown videos of their failures showed the same neural activity of someone who was depressed.  Those who were asked to examine the loss in more technical terms of what went wrong and what they would change, showed less emotional and depression activity in the brain, and they went on to improve in their next performances.  

Here are some ways to help your mentee examine his failure, learn from it, and hopefully change the outcome the next time:

Acknowledge the disappointment, but don’t shy away from addressing the failure.  Ask directly about what went wrong from the mentee’s perspective.

Encourage her to let go of the failure and shift to the present.  What implication does this have for the mentee now?

Explore the changes that the mentee thinks will improve his performance and the outcome.  Let the ideas come from the mentee – not you. 

Help your mentee take the learning and make steps towards improving. How will she put into practice this new behavior, process or skill?

After all, encouraging your mentee to be a better loser can help him or her become a more likely winner – and you, an effective mentor!

  *”From LeBron James to Phil Mickelson: First place rewards but second place teaches”, by Sally Jenkins, The Washington Post, June 23, 2013

[mentorwise]

Aren’t you a bit curious?

While out on my walk this morning, a little girl ran up to my dog and asked me, “What’s your dog’s name?  Can I pet her?” This was followed by a number of other questions. “What is your name?  Is she a puppy? Which street do you live on? How many children do you have?”  Her dad finally told her not to ask so many questions.  I smiled and said that I was glad that she introduced herself and that we got to know each other through our dogs – and her questions!

  Hmmm, what has this story got to do with mentoring?  Most young children naturally operate out of curiosity and learn about their world and build relationships by asking questions.  Imagine what you could discover and learn about your mentee if you bring that sense of curiosity to your mentoring.  More importantly, your curiosity or asking the questions, can lead your mentee to discover new insights about him or herself, the situation, and possible options. 

In Co-Active Coaching (Whitworth, Kimsey-House, and Sandahl), the role of curiosity in a coaching relationship is described as, “Curiosity is open, inviting, spacious, almost playful. And yet it is also enormously powerful.”  Being authentically curious helps build connection.  We can tell the difference when someone is asking us questions about ourselves and they are truly interested – versus a battery of questions that feels like an interrogation or job interview.  Once a sincere connection is made, curiosity permits safer exploration of a mentoring topic.  

Now I’m curious.  What kind of connection do you have with your mentee? Do you know --

What makes your mentee tick?

What fear holds him back?

What accomplishment is she most proud of? 

What experience taught him the most?

What makes her happy?

What are his goals – both in his career and life?

What one change would she make in her life? 

Perhaps, the old saying “curiosity killed the cat” is true, but in mentoring curiosity will bring to life a deeper connection and more meaningful exploration of issues.