It’s Just a Boulder
Yeah so, you see I live under a boulder. You know. It’s just a huge lump of stone. Though here in my head, it’s a thing that crushes me daily so I have to dig a hole to keep myself alive. How I ended up under there? Who knows. I just know I live under it and it keeps growing. As it grows, it sinks. As it sinks, I dig deeper.
It’s pretty dark under here, you know? It’s just me and my imagination in here, and imagination can take ya to fun and scary places. I can’t really stop once I start drifting off even when my tummy lurches or when it gets filled with butterflies. I feel like imagination is bipolar. One moment, you’re Wonderland then the next, you’re suddenly in Dante’s Inferno. It’s weird down here.
So right now, I’m feeling like crap. It’s just when those small and unhappy events happen keep repeating itself that you start to get affected by it. Then a few more things that are at least a little more significant to you happens and you just want to drop dead and stop thinking about this while whirlwind of thoughts. They’re really REALLY tiny matters that anyone can live through pretty easily and yet, I can get affected by this crap real badly.
“Why can’t I get mad?” “Why can’t I be able to cry?” “Why can’t I be more in control of myself?“ “Why do I have to understand?“ “Why do I have to adapt?“ “Why should I force myself?“ “Why can’t they believe in me?” “Why can’t I do ANYTHING“
A few thoughts in my head that makes my eyes burn but no tear slips out.
Around 2 or 3 years ago, back when I was still an emo high schooler, I often felt numb. I had no friends to talk to nor anyone I could talk to. There were people who were willing but I knew they couldn’t make a difference in me. They would spout the same words I kept telling myself.
So it kinda went to that really dark time where one would use any form of blade to do the deed. It scared the frig out of me and it made me cry but it made me felt like I was part of our world again. Our world full of pain.
I was basically lonely and hated myself for not getting me some friends and for hating everyone around me. I would often scold myself with “What the hell are you doing to yourself?“ but would ignore it and continue living my days as a loner.
This whole post is just going into random directions but hey! this is my mind, it’s weird as frig and also really dark. I blame the boulder... Anyways!
I eventually got myself some friend I refer to as my buddies because friend feels way too formal. It’s sad I only got to be with them for our senior year before we were all shipped off to separate colleges. In that last year, I had the most fun I could’ve imagined. I was so happy.
Now... I’m not sure. I still love them with all my heart. They’re really precious to me and would never do anything to hurt them. I want them to be as happy as they made me. Even though we were buddies, I have no idea what they’re thinking about now. I’m sure it’s academics and I’m sure they’re all busy with their own lives but, I just can’t stop wondering... what they’re up to now. How they’re doing, did they have any problems with school or if they got themselves a nice group of friends over there. I want to know if they’re doing alright which I’m sure they are but still... it would be nice to chat with them all again.
Eh, the thing about those guys is that they barely use their FB and their texts are pretty clipped. Like, they have no idea how to continue a conversation. We all kinda dunno how to continue a texted base convo. We’re more on the face to face chat thing. They also don’t have a webcam (been to their houses, they no lie, fyi)
They’re really sporty and like doing all the outdoor stuff while I get out of breath after 10 meter sprint. Physically, mentally and intellectually pathetic and nothing you say will change that.
...Where was I going with this post again?
Meh... Anyways.
Let’s say I’m depressed at the moment because I feel like I failed on of my buddies on something. I’m not sure if he’s fine with me failing or if he just doesn’t care about it anymore but has a bitter aftertaste in his mouth about it. I dunno. I just feel bad and I want to really be in a hole covered by a huge boulder while hugging a fluffy pillow.