hnng i wrote a short companion piece for chapter two of in this short life that only lasts an hour from tsubasa's pov........i couldnt stop myself.....
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It’s true that Tsubasa is not usually like this. After getting the chance to observe Kyoya unobstructed for days on end in the last few months in Tsubasa’s office, Tsubasa is quite familiar with the minute expressions on Kyoya’s face. Kyoya is obviously wary of entering new territory in their dynamic. Tsubasa can admit that he kind of bullied Kyoya into acknowledging their friendship, but if that is what it takes for Kyoya to let him further in, it’ll be more than worth it.
The thing is Tsubasa is greedy.
Every new piece of information he collects about Kyoya allows him to understand Kyoya better, deeper, and in turn allows him to assign his words and actions more meaning than before. Kyoya is someone who guards his secrets close to his chest, who doesn’t let people past his defenses easily. It only serves to make Tsubasa more desperate, want to understand further and know more, know everything there is to know about him. Whenever Kyoya lets something slip, lets Tsubasa take a peek behind his walls, Tsubasa hoards that information preciously. At times, he feels almost hungry for it, like a starved dog for scraps of meat.
No one has ever accused Tsubasa of lacking self-control, though. The last thing he wants to do is scare Kyoya off. He can be patient. It's not unlike coaxing a street cat out of their shell with careful movements and strategically placed treats.
Their progress is already more than Tsubasa had ever hoped to dream of. He can scarcely believe how much Kyoya has allowed him to see.
Although Kyoya replies with barbed words and sharp glares, Tsubasa delights in all the small ways in which Kyoya unconsciously shows what he's really thinking. The redness coloring his nape and sometimes even the tips of his ears when he doesn't know how to take Tsubasa complimenting him. The pleased curl to his smirk when he presents Tsubasa with yet another brilliant idea. His forced calm when Yu asked after his parents. His hands automatically forming fists when tensions grow high, and uncurling when he calms back down.
Kyoya’s anger at his apology does surprise him a little.
“Is this about your self-pity bullshit?” he asks and Tsubasa can already see him gearing up for a fight, fists clenching and unclenching when Tsubasa replies, feigning calm but internally seething,
“My self-pity bullshit? I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.”
Tsubasa should have considered that for all the time he had been watching Kyoya, Kyoya had been watching him right back. To have the tables turned on him like this, Kyoya prodding him about Tsubasa’s secrets for once, has Tsubasa getting unexpectedly defensive. The brief period he spent under the Dark Power’s influence, although not recent, is still always in the back of his mind. He might never be completely free from it and, with time, he has learned to make his peace with it. But it has left him irrevocably changed. A part of him will always be tainted by the darkness he was not strong enough to resist. A blackened stain on his soul that serves to remind him of everything he failed to be, every expectation he failed to live up to.
He used to take pride in his accomplishments as a blader and as a WBBA agent. His successes were proof of his qualities – his strength, loyalty, fortitude, reliability.
If he is able to so easily succumb to evil forces, who would rely on him after that?
It’s not a matter of whether anyone (his friends or his coworkers or Ryo) said something to him or did something to make Tsubasa think that. No one treated him any differently or like they didn’t want him around anymore after he regained his senses. But that made it so much worse.
If Tsubasa cannot trust himself, how can his friends? And if they won’t waste even a second to worry about what Tsubasa’s volatile mental strength might mean for them, it’s Tsubasa who will have to worry instead.
As usual, Kyoya gets right to the heart of the matter:
“Yes, that thing that you do when you think you need to earn someone’s approval. Which is bullshit.”
Tsubasa had taken years of therapy to unravel all the ways he felt the need to prove himself in order to be worthy of his friends’ trust again, and it still wasn’t enough. Every quality he had prided himself on before needed to be reevaluated and reestablished from scratch. Every mistake was unforgivable and every set-back meant he wasn’t putting in enough effort. In no one’s eyes but his own, Tsubasa was a failure desperately trying to redeem himself.
Knowing that it’s bullshit and actively stopping himself from thinking like this are two very different things. Sometimes he catches himself apologizing for things that aren’t his fault, or hiding an injury after a mission. He pretends to be fine when he is not, and he makes himself unreadable, locks every one of his emotions behind an impenetrable mask, a polite smile, cold eyes.
So it’s not that he means to fall back into old habits, but fighting the inferiority complex that has burrowed inside the vacant space the Dark Power left in him has always been a battle against the relentless tide. To have Kyoya pry beneath the mask without warning has him drowning in self-doubts and his own pressing need to bury it all with a bitter laugh and enough distance to cough up the water and bring his emotions back under control.
But, against his expectations, Kyoya halts the tidal wave easily with just a few words, infuriatingly careless in his delivery.
“I’m just saying that you don’t need to do that. You won, I conceded. Our friendship is official or whatever, although I still intend to fight you about it later. So stop apologizing or thanking me for every little thing. Try and keep some semblance of dignity please.”
It’s all Tsubasa can do to giggle at Kyoya, who sees the hidden, broken parts of Tsubasa and accepts them as they are, who understands that they make him whole but are not the only (or even the most important) part of the picture. Kyoya has a few of these hidden, broken parts himself. Finding that they have more similarities than either of them realized makes Tsubasa that much more assured in his pursuit of Kyoya. To undergo the mortifying ordeal of being known will be worth it, once Tsubasa has stripped Kyoya of all his defenses, pulled back layer after layer of snark and misdirection, and found all the ways Kyoya’s jagged edges fit into Tsubasa’s own.
Tsubasa doesn't think anyone could blame him when, afterwards, he keeps quiet as he watches Kyoya's eyes glaze over at the movie Yu picked for them. He files the knowledge that Kyoya seems pretty much indifferent to movies away, sorts it in between Kyoya not being a picky eater and the way his chin lowers onto his chest when he starts to nod off. The bend of his neck looks uncomfortable, so Tsubasa shuffles closer until he can guide Kyoya’s head to lean more comfortably against his arm. Kyoya sighs and fully leans into him, pressing their sides together and squishing his cheek against the curve of Tsubasa’s shoulder.
Although Kyoya might accuse him otherwise, this was not Tsubasa’s intention. He exchanges a wide-eyed look with Yu, too afraid now to move and subsequently wake Kyoya. Yu huffs a quiet, breathless laugh, shakes his head as if in disbelief and then decides to join the impromptu cuddle pile by placing his head on Tsubasa’s thigh.
Now Tsubasa is truly stuck.
“Thanks for the help, kid,” he sighs and flicks Yu’s ear lightly.
Yu smothers a laugh in the blanket sprawled over Tsubasa’s lap. He turns his head slightly, so that he can look Tsubasa in the eye.
“You don’t seem to mind,” he says, eyebrows raised in a way that is incredibly annoying.
Tsubasa opens his mouth to respond, but honestly, what is he supposed to say to that? The warm weight of Kyoya’s body leaning into his is comforting, reminding Tsubasa that there is more to Kyoya than simply what can be observed. Some things he will never learn by just watching Kyoya’s actions and expressions endlessly. Some things he will have no choice but to wait for Kyoya to reveal them consciously on his own terms to learn. The fact that Kyoya is able to fall asleep on top of Tsubasa without minding his touch at all – when Tsubasa knows how much Kyoya generally avoids physical contact – is proof of how much Kyoya is starting to trust him.
Tsubasa doesn’t know what he has done to earn that trust, but it makes him fight a nervous smile, regardless.
Yu, who is still watching him with one eye, attention divided between him and the TV, heaves an exasperated sigh and mutters, “I suppose you could do worse.”
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