#mfspb

[nothingexceptwords]

Right now I Switzerland.

I don't want anything but to focus on losing weight, getting another job, spending time with my family, and bloggging.

All of that other extra shit can step the fuck back. If it happens to come into my life, then I don't care, but I'm not going to pursue anything anymore unless it's one of those things I just stated.

Because I am finally accepted myself and who I want to be and I am fanfuckingtastic. I am beautiful, my body is beautiful, my face is beautiful, I am beautiful.

It's perfectly fine to think I am beautiful right now, but I also want to be healthy; hence the official and most serious start of my journey to losing weight.

Yay fucking me.

Oh yeah, I DON'T HAVE A FILTER ANYMORE.

I AM GOING TO SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO SAY.

Not to sound like a douche, but I honestly think it just got that much harder to truly get close to me.

Anywho, I feel great and fuck if I will pee on all things you eat if you have a problem with it.

Kthanksbyedarling

[nothingexceptwords]

The time is coming. I am nineteen years old and living with my parents is becoming more and more of an issue. I just have a feeling that at night, they lie in their bed and plot what to do about me. I have a bad feeling that me deciding to quit school is going to lead to them wanting to kick me out the house. Well honestly, bring it on. They support absolutely nothing that I'm doing right now, I'm guessing they told my sister so that she could try to talk some sense into me, I don't know. My mom told me that I don't have the drive to do anything. I am basically on my own with my decisions now. Which I can't say I'm surprised either. They have thought a lot about me, a lot being bad things. It is definitely possible that I am screwing myself over, but let me screw myself over and see that I have screwed myself over, gosh.

I do need to sit and think about where I'm going to move when I move out. I have some hard decisions to make and they need to be made asap so that I can have a solid plan and not a fuzzy one. Either I am going to save up to move into an apartment, then save up to move to California; or I'm going to save up to move to California. I just know that I will be saving up to move out.

I've grown up.

It's time for me to grow up more.

[nothingexceptwords]

Just A Casual(ty) Thought

Again I'm awake, with the same questions picking at the remains of my sanity. A vulture, and I'm roadkill. It seems simple, the question I dare not ask. A reporter, and I watch my big break slip through the tips of my fingers. It's black, but my eyes adjust to the nothingness. One shot is all I need. A gun, and I appear the shiny, sleek bullet. Tears sting my eyes as I force strength to swoop over and upon myself. Finding it almost unfair that I'm doing all of the work solo. Instructed to rearrange the letters in team to find me. I know who I am. Could you explain to me who you are? Memories flood my dome. A tsunami victim, please excuse the casualty. This cold bed and warm cover is all I know. With these thoughts I am forever unchanging, frozen in place, not moving forward. An immortal child, punishable by death. Please excuse the casualty. I've accepted myself as well as my flaws too. The only thing that keeps me up at night, the only thing I constantly question... is why haven't you?

-Vibepoetically

[nothingexceptwords]

This What You Wanted Right? ~

When something is on my mind so steadily I physically freak out when I think that much harder about it. Disgust. I could scratch my skin entirely off at the thought of what I did. I could flick open a grenade and cradle it my arms at the thought of what went down. Shaking my head because I’m not a little girl anymore. Those demons of memories torment me now with no remorse. They say, “You can’t take it back. You want me gone but I’m here to stay.” I yell back at them, “You evil bastard pack up your shit and while you’re at it, take along with you that damn day!” But I wanted it. But I invited him. But it was my idea. But I made my bed. And now I’m refusing to lie in it. Get this. This feeling is like I have committed a crime. I am trying so hard, so hard to turn back the hands of time. But I can’t. I won’t. Cause I want it again. I want more of it. I want his lips pressed up against mine. I want his masculine hands grabbing handfuls of my ass. My thoughts say I have no class. I didn’t do anything wrong, it just some harmless fun. But I look down, and I’m still tryna run. It’s all a joke. The flirting, the laughing, the… almost sex. I could stop the negative thoughts just long enough to take pride in wanting to be fucked. Then suddenly there’s a gap. It’s getting smaller and smaller. I’m trying and trying… and trying, and trying. I’m close to tears, I’m crying. My thoughts say, “Shut that shit up, this is what you wanted.” And they’re right. I soaked up his vibe like spilled milk. I was greedy for his eyes and the way he looked at me. I used him more than he used me. Simple as that. So why do I feel like a hoe? Throw my head back is disbelief thinking I don’t even know. At the same time it’s all so amusing. But I be damned if I’ll be swooning. He’s just some dick to me. And I’m just some pussy for him. But in reality that’s my homeboy from back in high school. Truth say he dated my homegirl for two years on and off. Truth is… he cheated on her with me. So you see this isn’t random. We got history. And he if had the chance, he’d change it all around to make him look good and make me look bad in his story. Now what? Because come next week, I’ma be back at it again. Tasting his lips, grinding on him with my hips. ”You ain’t cut out for this girl.” They steady telling me. I think to myself damn, “Got any tips?” They don’t know anything about me. Haha hold up, they are me. My thoughts say, “But oh wait whoa, you forgot you a virgin?” Disclaimer. Now sit back and watch as these claim her. She too strong, but oh they might. Thinking… this what you wanted right?

-Vibepoetically

[nothingexceptwords]

Dear Past Me,

I really don’t even know what to say. I mean you are so much more different than I am now and that’s only what, a year time difference maybe. Yeah. I have to say that I am proud of you because you’re still here, alive and well. I’m proud of you for not giving up on yourself and what really matters to you. I’m proud of you for standing your ground and for suppressing everything possibly depressing. Although we are different people now, I could never, and I would never try to forget you. You made me who I am now and for that, I thank you Past Me.

[nothingexceptwords]

Why is she pretending like she is okay with me? I don’t get it. Why is she calling me baby? Why is she pretending to care? Why does it matter to her? Why do I matter to her? I don’t. She knows it. She was ready to drop me that second, so she definitely doesn’t care all that much. Just stop with the lying and be truthful with me.

[nothingexceptwords]

Mfspb

Yesterday was a lot. I did more work finding out about what classes I need to take for what I want to major in and about if I need my permit and what I need to take to get my license than I thought I had in me. Like holy crap, it felt like a lot. I feel proud of myself for keeping my patience and sticking with finding out all of that stuff. I have my classes and I will be taking a class in the summer. I have to take the DATA text, but since I am over 18 years old, I don’t need my permit. I just have to take the text, then I can take a driving course and move on to the text to take before I get my official license. Then I get my license. That is a lot because I have to pay for every single one of those things, and they are not cheap. But at least I will be driving. After I get my license, then I can start applying for jobs. So to sum things up, a shit load of responsibility is going to headed my way and I need to be ready for it. I am an adult now and I need to act as such.

In other news, I am talking to Des again but I am not sure if that was a good call on my behalf. It is really whatever because I am a different person than I was when were dating.

Moving on.

There is no stress in my life, well not exactly. I am happy and not depressed over stupid things, thank goodness. I would say the most stressful thing in my life is my English class. And not my English in class in its entirety, just this one assignment we have due after Spring Break. I have to do an essay on a career or company I want to work for. That part is way easy, but it’s how I have to research it that is the issue. My professor is making the class search this through databases and that shit is so confusing. And I keep putting off searching stuff because it’s so hard. I need to buckle down more with that class because it’s not even hard, I am just being lazy and that is unacceptable.

Continuing.

I got mad yesterday because I found out that after I get my AA Degree, I have to transfer to a University in the state of Florida. I mean, I don’t legit have to, but I have to. If that makes sense. Anywho, now in two years when I am a junior, I will be going to the University of Florida. It’s two hours away so I am not sure if I will have to stay on campus or I’ll just drive back and forth. I mean that is a lotof gas,  so it sounds like it’s on campus for me. But to be honest, I don’t want to stay on campus. Because on campus means that I will have a roommate and I don’t like people very much now-a-days. I mean it’s not that I don’t like people, I do. I just don’t have the energy anymore to try and be sociable with anyone. Because when I do, that person half asses and I’m just done. So yeah. But sigh, whatever. I guess I can’t complain too much because I will be in a new place and away from these fake ass people that I used to call friends. Which isanother reason I got mad. I was mad because I told myself in two years, after I get my AA Degree, that I was moving to California. I had even fought with myself for days over whether to move to New York or California. It was a reallyfucking hard decision bro. And I had finally made up my mind on moving to California and then I was hit with this news. I almost cried I kid you not because I was that upset.

But four years doesn’t sound that bad to me anymore. Because I thought that when I transfered to the University, that I was going to have to be there for four years and I wasn’t having that shit. But then my mom told me that I’ll only be there for two years, cause I’ll be a junior. Duh. I was so stupid a couple of hours ago lol. So when I am twenty-two, I am out of here. And it’s better that I have two years added on because that gives me more time to save up money. SO I guess this is great. I just need to tough it out. I have been meaning to learn more patience.

In other news.

I had my first argument with Tia. It didn’t feel good but what was said needed to be said and I don’t regret saying what I said. I was scared to argue with her because I know she just stops talking to people is she wants. But she said something to me and it made me question everything. I mean I couldn’t believe she said it and it just made me feel like our friendship didn’t mean all thatmuch. It is a challenge with her, but I told her that I would be there for her throughout, and I will. She needs someone to believe in her and show her how to believe in herself. She’s a good person and she should see that.

This next part probably shouldn’t even be typed, but fuck it.

So I have been thinking. And I am determined to become friends with Louie again. Gasp, I said his name. I feel like this kid is Lord Voldomort and shit, He Who Must Not Be Named and shit. Omg I sounded so ghetto. But in all seriousness, I am never going to stop trying to be friends with him. Ever. Because he means that much to me and frankly I still want to do everything we said we were going to do. I really thought I had more to say about this, but my thoughts have left my mind sadly.

Well, I suppose that is all for now. I am glad that I did this, hooray for mee. Hooray for Dee.

Oh.

Also, I miss talking to Manny. I wonder why he hasn’t texted me in so long. He might just be that busy with school. In which that case, I completely understand. I think I will text him tomorrow though.

Annnnnd.

Ruthy and I are starting to become good friends again. She wants to go on a road trip to Clearwater. Sounds fun.

Okay, okay. I promise you and I am really done this time.

Thank you for your time and eyes,

Dee

[nothingexceptwords]

So I think that there just might be something off about me, relationship wise of course. I mean this guy that I was really cool with in high school found out that I liked him and wondered why I didn’t tell him. Now this girl that I considered my best friend in high school is telling me that they are “talking” now. She sent me their entire conversation and he is calling he babe and saying that he doesn’t care, she’s his and they’re going to get married and have talented kids. Like oh wait, whoa. What about what we were just talking about. I don’t know man, maybe I just have no idea how to connect to people relationship wise because he was talking how it feels like she knows him so well and no one knows him like she knows him. I mean it really is fine that they are dating, or are going to date; that’s on them. I said I would focus on my career now anyway.

But, womp.