Summary: Dealing with slimy and stupid men can really put a hole through your self confidence and faith in yourself. Anakin is there for the aftermath. Snuggles ensue.
Notes: Anakin x fem! reader, soft Anakin, clonebois are the best, and f the patriarchy my dudes. Wrote this literally at 3am contemplating life... so if you're in the same spot, you're not alone. ANDDD there's Anakin hugs for you!
You are a Jedi. You are qualified to do what you do. And yet, simply because you’re a woman, you are cast aside and degraded and made fun of for trying to be a leader. It is exhausting that almost every world you travel to has a fricking patriarchal society that makes you want to tear your hair out.
This time, you were explaining your part in the war effort to some leaders of this particular planet. The goal was to convince them to allow the Republic to use some of their abandoned land as an outpost against a possible Separatist threat.
But of course you are not taken seriously.
“And what is your battle experience? Making some rocks float? I doubt with how little you are you could lift much anyway,” one mutters loud enough for everyone present to hear. The other men around him snicker, and you have to resist the urge to Force-choke these assholes because this happens so damn often you’re afraid you’re going to lose it.
Your clone Commander, Emjee, takes a furious step forward but you stop him with a hand to his chest plate.
“I know how to engage in combat, I would not be here if I didn’t,” you try to say as calmly as possible.
“Guess Jedi take anyone these days, even the weak ones,” another one says and the cackling continues.
Emjee tries to step forward again but you continue to hold him back. He instead cracked his knuckles, trying to look as menacing as he could with his helmet still on—you know if he was to take it off, these men would be scared shitless by the clone Commander’s intense glare. He was particularly good at those.
Not as good as Anakin, though.
But he wasn’t here, and you shouldn’t have to need his help to get through to these morons anyway.
Somehow the situation worked itself out—after hours of talking, to the point where Emjee stepped out for a bit—but you couldn’t get rid of that sinking feeling in your stomach as you board the transport back to your command ship.
“Those idiots don’t know what they’re talking about, General,” says Emjee, and he removes his helmet as he does so. “You are one of the strongest Jedi in the Order, and anyone who says otherwise is simply wrong.”
You chuckle. “I don’t know about that, Commander. But I do appreciate the sentiment.”
“General Skywalker says it all the time to me and the boys, he’s even got Kenobi singing your praises.”
Your smile fades at the thought. Anakin was so much stronger than you, so much better than you, and if it ever came to a fight you know you would lose. Not that you would ever fight the love of your life, but still. It almost felt… patronizing to think about him trying to boost your ego. You know that wasn’t what he was doing, but after today you can’t help but overanalyze everything any man has ever said to you, even him.
He doesn’t deserve to be placed in the same category as those… dumbasses, and you hate yourself even more for trying to relate him to them.
“Anakin is too nice to me,” you mumble, forgetting to call him ‘General Skywalker’. “And so are you, Emjee.”
The gunship jerks as you dock in the hangar inside your venator class cruiser. You start walking towards your quarters, but Emjee stops you when he taps your shoulder. The Commander still looks a bit peeved by everything, and though you don’t want him to be upset, it warms your heart a bit to see someone angry—besides Anakin—on your behalf, defending you.
(You haven’t seen Anakin in months. Your relationship was a sad little thing because you missed each other terribly every time you separated. You hoped this war would not last forever, that things could go back to the way they were when you could simply exist without something being expected of you. Then, you could be together in the Temple and bask in each other’s light.)
“I… hope I’m not overstepping, Sir, but I contacted General Skywalker while you were negotiating—”
You furrow your eyebrows. “I’m sorry, what?”
“Well—”
“I can do this on my own, trooper! I don’t need anyone’s help to do anything, I am perfectly capable—”
“Woah, hey, calm down,” a voice says behind you and warm hands grab your shoulders and a warm presence attempts to meld with your own, but you don’t let it. You feel like you’re being overpowered, undermined, and you know that isn’t happening but you can’t help how much the sinking feeling affects you.
It’s Anakin behind you, and normally you would be resisting the urge to embrace him and squeeze the living daylights out of him. It’s been so long, after all. But right now you just feel cornered.
You shove his arms off of you, unintentionally making a bit of a scene that has other troopers stopping their work and looking at the three of you.
“I am going to meditate. Alone,” you say, and you almost say ‘please’ but you know you do not need to ask for permission. You are no longer a Padawan, you’re a Knight, and you know what you’re doing, even if everyone makes you feel like you don’t.
You walk away out of the hangar towards the elevator. You can hear Anakin behind you talking to Emjee.
“You did the right thing Commander, I’m going to talk to her. Anyway, it’s been a long day for you I’m sure. Rex and Ahsoka and a couple 501st are in the mess if you wanted to see them and grab some food? I can take it from here.”
Your heart lifts a bit at the mention of Ahsoka, but you’re too tired to try and find her. Maybe once you sleep, the sinking feeling won’t be there once you wake up. That was normally how it worked. Anakin was never here for these moments, though. You had no doubt he was going to follow you to your quarters. You didn’t have the patience to wait for him, but you also didn’t have the energy to shut him out.
You’re laying on your bed in your quarters staring at the wall beside you. Sleep eludes you, and it is probably because you can sense Anakin’s presence on the ship. Knowing he is so close but refusing to ignite your bond is honestly a bit petty on your part, but at the moment you don’t really care about being sensible. Your whole relationship wasn’t exactly sensible, anyway.
Your back is to the door so you don’t see Anakin when he enters, but you hear him and hear the door close behind him.
“Would you please look at me please?” he says softly, sitting down on the ground beside your bed.
It makes your heart clench. “You said ‘please’ twice.”
“Because I’m begging to see your beautiful eyes.”
You laugh half-heartedly. “Sure.”
“Please?” he asks again, and the request is so genuine, you can feel its purity and purpose in the Force.
You turn over to meet his pale blue eyes. His hair has grown just a bit longer since the last time you saw him, and you love it. He also must have had a campaign on a rather sunny planet recently because there is an added color to his face that makes him look, well, good and healthy. You feel like a pale blob with dead-ends for hair and a weak, small body.
His eyes widen with genuine love and awe, and he scoots a bit closer.
“There you are,” he says. And that’s where you lose it.
Your face scrunches up as you try to hold back tears but you fail in about two seconds. Anakin hesitates to touch you, waiting for your permission of some kind, and you grant it to him by reaching out your arms for him almost like a baby. It’s humiliating, but it’s just you and Anakin, and he knows you.
He rises from his seated position and crawls into your bed while wrapping his arms around you securely. You weep and cry like a youngling into his chest, and he strokes your head as you shudder with each sob that escapes you. He kisses your forehead every now and again before allowing you to rest your face in the crook of his neck, pressing the bridge of your nose into his pulse-point.
“What happened, my love?” he mumbles against the crown of your head.
“Men, just, underestimating me. It’s like they know I’ve been injured, that I’m weak, unsuccessful—I just, I can’t take it. I… I can’t believe there are people out there who would say those things. But they’re right; I suck, I’m terrible at everything—”
“You are so brave, so strong, the strongest person I know. You’ve been injured in battle, and worked your way back to being on the front lines. You connect to the Force in a way that I wish I could, and I’m part of it! These are just objective facts. I know you, and you are so intelligent, courageous, kind, and just so… so wise. I would be lost without you, and I love you.”
His words bring you comfort, that sinking feeling finally dissipating ever so slowly. “But it shouldn’t bother me this much. I am a Jedi. I have to be better than this.”
“It is something you should never have to experience, and if I had my way, those sleemos would be—”
“Anakin…” you whisper, shifting your head up so you can meet his eyes once again.
He sighs. “You are dealing with this better than I ever could. You know how I would react… you’re so much better than me. I just wish I was worthy of you.”
“You’re my favorite person,” you say, gazing into his beautiful ocean-eyes. You pause for a moment, content to drink your fill of his gaze. Once you are content, you nuzzle into his chest once again. “You’re worthy of so much more than me.”
“No,” he says before pressing another kiss to your head. “I could never be worthy of you, my love. I don’t think anyone ever will, because you are an angel.”
You hum, wrapping your arms around him so you can rub circles into his back. “There you go with your poetic metaphors.”
You can sense his smile in the Force so clearly it’s as if you could see it. “That one isn’t a metaphor.”
“Mhm,” you mumble, smiling to yourself. One of your hands wanders upwards and now you play with his hair and it is so soft between your fingers that you could honestly do this for hours.
He kisses your head once more. “You’re gonna put me to sleep,” he warns, and it makes you giggle a little bit.
“Sleep, then. Force knows you need it.”
“Only if you do,” he says indignantly, but you can hear the sleep in his tone.
“Not to worry. I’m already halfway there,” you say, nuzzling into the warmth of his body again as he pulls you impossibly closer. You almost feel like crying again because of how safe he makes you feel, but you don’t want to worry him. “I love you, Anakin,” you say aloud, but you mostly send the message through your bond in a wave of soft blue and warm yellows.
You think for a minute that he’s asleep already, but you can tell he’s not when he sends you back just as much love and admiration, if not more, through your bond.
A tear that isn’t yours drips onto your face as he says, “I love you so much.”
With your Force presences entwined, you both fall into a blissful sleep and take a much needed rest. Just having Anakin with you like this helps whenever you start to feel that worthless slimy feeling, every single time. It’s like clockwork, and you wouldn’t change it for the world. You love him so much, and you can hear the Force sing in sweet harmony each time you are together. Your sleep is dreamless, but it is full of warmth and a sense of softness. It feels like home.
…
When Ahsoka comes looking for you both because she wants someone to spar with, she checks your quarters first. That’s where Emjee said you both would be, anyway. Not to mention she could sense the bliss and serenity in the Force because of you two from probably a system away.
She opens the door and sees a sight that warms her heart. Both you and Anakin are entwined, both in an embrace and in the Force. He holds you protectively against his chest and your hand rests in his hair. You’re both asleep, and Force knows that as Generals you need it.
Ahsoka knows the rules about attachment. She’s always known her Master struggled with them whenever it came to you. But it was hard to see any reason to keep you apart when the Force sang whenever the two of you were together.
Not to mention, Ahsoka found your “secret” relationship unbearably cute. Anakin always had a front of strength and coldness when leading troops into battle or dealing with enemies, even when talking with other Jedi. But with you, he was himself. Your bond was something she wanted to have for herself one day, and looking at the two of you right now, a thought occurred to the young Togruta.
Your bond needed to stay strong, you needed to stay together, and Ahsoka vowed to herself she would do everything she could to make sure you both remained entwined in the Force like this for as long as possible. She wanted to see both her Master and you happy.
She turned on her heel and closed the door as quietly as the durasteel would allow. Smiling to herself, she tiptoed down the hallway, making her own grand plans about how to uphold her vow.
