#mh journal

[gaybd1]

Me talking to my mom last night: “I’m really worried about this upswing I’m having because last time it got so bad I started hearing voices. They were just saying my name a lot but it’s still scary and I don’t want it to happen again”

My mom who thinks there’s nothing weird going on w my brain: “Next time you should talk back and see what they want bc maybe god is talking to you”

[gaybd1]

Boy howdy it’s 1:30am and I can’t sleep, just like how I couldn’t focus much at work today

I impulsively cycled 16km home last night after 3 weeks of being so depressed I didn’t cycle once, then did it again today but even faster and sprinted the whole way all while wearing a tank top in december

also planning to wake up an hour early to walk 90 minutes to work tomorrow and im tRYING TO LIVE IN DENIAL ABOUT AND NOT TREAT THE BIPOLAR WHY DOES IT HAVE TO MAKE ITSELF SO OBVIOUS

[gaybd1]

Brief mental health update

Given time, reflection, and a painful amount of effort in the Self Awareness department, I am experiencing a textbook Mixed Episode, as originally thought

The meds I take have interesting but not negative effects on this (but also don’t keep it away)

It is not over, as previously thought

This is def my first (or if not first, definitely worst) time w this and I Hate It Here

I’m so far managing/surviving and am a lot less scared than I was and more determined to just ride it out

Check out my fitness activity from the last 6 months and see how this week’s hasn’t even hit/recorded the weekend yet…. The tall spike in the spring was a psychotic moment so we being REAL careful here bc I DON’T think it’s doctor time yet but that would sure make it be

[gaybd1]

Making a note of my mental health this week and also reflections of past situations for accountability and documentation purposes

So this is for me but also insight from yall is welcome

This time

Felt weird toward the end of last week

Normal happy Saturday, 25k bike ride and hang with friends

13-15 hours of sleep Sunday. Up at 1pm, then a crazy long dog walk then tutoring and back to bed

Little sleep Sunday night

Monday

Woke up early, wide awake, worked and immediate biked 40k home FAST. THEN did yoga for an hour, walked the dog, showered, cleaned the house. Flossed my teeth for the first time in forever? Got in bed at 1am

6-7 hours of sleep Monday night but slept through the night. Felt fine waking up early

Tuesday

Walked 8.5km through the rain to work. Went home after, wore shorts all day and didn’t even know it was cold out until I saw the temperature at the park

Didn’t settle in bed until 1 or 2am and I tried at 1 to deep clean the bathroom but didn’t have the right stuff

Honestly I was fatigued randomly throughout the day before it went away

Tuesday night. 7? Hours of straight sleep, woke up early again feeling great

Wednesday

Cycled 15km to work Wednesday, tried to be self aware and keep it slow. I was still super fast

Ate something weird and crazy for lunch, realized halfway through I would never normally choose that, then couldn’t finish

Started vaping again

Tired afternoon

Dinner with strangers (pre-planned) - alcohol on a weekday??? Got a little buzzed (I like never drink)

Wide awake at night

Cycled home

I foresee another late night

Typical high mood

Energy (buzzing), less sleep (6-7 hours?) no need for caffeine

Adventurous (trying new foods)

Exercise (always overdoing it, never tired)

Less pain

Can be impulsive/stupid (smoking, one or two times drugs, ignoring weather conditions, once I went off my meds)

Going out more

One time I wrote 100k words in a month. I don’t usually write

One time I went on a 75km bike ride just out of the blue?

In the spring I heard voices

Usually lasts a couple weeks every 4-6 months?

Possibly getting worse over time but maybe I’m just more aware

Low (“normal”?) mood (bc I take antidepressants?)

Need 8-9+ hours of sleep to function AND lots of caffeine to get through the day

Don’t go out, spend free time in bed

MRT to work (Uber on worst/painful days)

Just numb during the worst times, dissociating

Lots of pain (fibro, migraines)

ARFID acts up (at worst I can’t eat at all)

Worst times last 1-2 weeks?

[gaybd1]

Sorry to keep annoying yall with these posts but I am using tumblr as my journal to keep track

I’ll find a tag for these soon that yall can block

12:30AM Wednesday wide awake, making another dinner, prepping to deep clean the bathroom

Dug my vape out of storage and am charging it bc of course I am

[gaybd1]

ok so 21c the coldest day of the season so far and I’m walking around in shorts feeling fine?

but I was in long pants and a jacket a couple weeks ago at 24???

what is going on with me make it make sense

[svnnysideup]

another night like this... aah... i dont think i can take this much longer...

[ruined-gal]

F