Feeling like I don't want to exist anymore. Everything is overwhelming and I cannot focus on anything. I desperately need to find someone to parallel work with because if not I'll end up slowly spiraling into a deep and debilitating depression -- again.
To be clear, I wouldn't complete or attempt a suicide. If I disappear or die I was murdered (or taken) by the modern day version of slave catchers and indian hunters aka ICE. It's fucking disgusting that I feel the need to add this second paragraph to this post but here we are.
Reminder that the Nazis got their playbook from The US. Name the origins of the problem (US and slavery and the original genocide on this continent of indigenous peoples) because that's step one in beating this racist and sexist and classist regime.
How can it not with the hellscape of a society/world we're living in and the real pressures of capitalism are weighing us down leaving us too scared to wield the best collective weapon we have -- our time/energy/WORK?
Yes, it's rough right now. Yes, I'm terrified and terrified for my family and my neighbors. But I'll keep keeping on. I'll show up for my community when and how I can.
I'm also taking care of myself. I am making time for my hobbies, giving myself processing time/space, moving my body more, and am more authentically myself so I can make/maintain meaningful connections.
Behavior is difficult to change. Especially when the urge for self-destruction hits. But I'm keeping on.
The big cry has happened. Head is feeling fuzzy but my heart is feeling better so yay. 🥲
Emotional dysregulation following 6 days of overstimulation and/or overexertion is no joke. I'm working on giving myself more time for rest, but even then, I sometimes forget the cost of not doing it until I'm slapped with it again. Especially bc my brain needs a very specific kind of break. And when i don't do it, the discomfort and unease builds until EVERYTHING feels painful and/or like too much.
I am working on accepting my hypersexuality periods without judgment/shame. I am also practicing loving my body again & taking cute pics for me and letting others admire my body -- it has helped.
The plus side is I can change my behavior. I can unlearn trauma and negative coping strategies. I can do better. I can be better.
It's just so fucking exhausting being in that state constantly.
Lol me about to start telling myself to suck it up because so fucking ashamed of feelings of inadequacy. Yeah. It's almost like that's the whole fucking problem.
I feel a lot and I know that. And I am remembering that not everyone has good intentions in mind. And that not everyone can match my energy. And that's OK.
... it's been a while since I had to do that. Feeling icky for multiple reasons. And I know it's for the best. I learned my lesson.
Granted it took me 5y to get there with my ex ... but I learned it. When people show you who they are, believe them.
Anywho. Just going to say that my inability to truly feel lust for a person without feeling connected to them (emotionally, romantically, and/or like a friend) leaves me 1) especially vulnerable to these things 2) makes me feel uncertain especially if people are being "kind" or otherwise "caring" to me throughout the days/friendship 3) I end up feeling confused if/when boundaries are pushed or completely ignored after a person is "kind"/"caring".
Apparently a bitch had more feelings for someone than they realized. And I've blocked them for my own mh bc... yeah, can't exactly do "sex only" exchange. I mentioned this.
And with feels still being as... strong as they are, thats my own fault for testing the waters after content purchase/aid. I get that. And I'm responding how I have to for my own sake.
EDIT: FUCK THAT. THE WAY I JUST SHAMED MYSELF FOR TRUSTING THAT SOMEONE WHO ACTED LIKE THEY CARED WOULD RESPECT MY BOUNDARY ONCE I ESTABLISHED IT AND AFTER I TOLD THEM HOW I FELT.
Bitch, bye. I'm missing myself with that dismissal of my own feelings and my boundaries. We're growing and learning over here. Or at least doing what I can to heal.
