Jan 23, 2021
seen from Türkiye
seen from Morocco
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
seen from Canada
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from France
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Germany
seen from Malaysia
seen from Singapore
seen from Uzbekistan
seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Netherlands
The official Eurovision 2019 grand final running order
1. Crayola
2. Sad Cleopatra
3. The Wiggles- except this time, they are also fuckboys
4. Sh!tsters
5. Just having a good ol’ shower cry, don’t mind him
6. Daycare programming, complete with high chair
7. Your uncle’s six-beers in and going absolutely buck wild on the karaoke machine again
8. First semester intro to women’s studies
9. A living, breathing, 😃 emoji
10. The EXACT couple who blocked the hallway back in high school
11. This sexualized lamp:
12. Duncan
13. Pearl. - Steven Universe (Cartoon Network, 2013)
14. Convincing bootleg Freddie Mercury
15. You, acting an absolute fool on your living room sofa trying to joik along:
“NAH HNNNG HUNNNN NAH HURRRR NNNMMM NAH HURRR UMMMN NAH HUH NRRR NAH-”
16. Rice pudding
17. THE least karaoke-friendly song of the year by a whip-cracking, cock-and-ball-torturing landslide
18. AVICII à la fucked
19. The one JESC contestant that got away
20. Advanced technology:
21. Inspiration porn
22. The obligatory dad song- a classic ESC staple
23. Ironically, she’s not wearing a crown
24. *Spongebob narrator voice* “Ahh, ze thirst vote...”
25. *NASA voice* “Houston, we got a banger...”
26. I have no words 😔
Eurovision Song Contest 2019: Tel Aviv except it’s a video game edit inspired by Smash and it features a loading screen, a “choose your contestant” for each semi final, the chosen characters and a screen with the final results!
- Part one - Part two -
(Inspired also by those ESC battle fan videos on youtube)
(I need to thank @breaddo for helping me and my friends that I randomly asked which contestants they would choose without telling them why)
Eurovision 2010s: 70 - 66
70. Zoë - “Loin d’ici” Austria 2016
Like many ranking high on this list, Zoë’s journey started in uncertainty. I don’t know what is about frivolous paperthin songs like these that make people dismiss their chances, but either way, many considered poor Zoë a borderline qualifier. I however, always knew she would make the finals 😊 And you know why? Because positivity, bitches.
From Naviband to Lake Malawi to Laura Tesoro, Eurosnobs have a penchant for underrating “Happy Songs”, writing them off as silly and shallow. True, joy is a fairly simple empotion. Does that make it any less valuable however? Too often do we take happiness for granted. Zoë radiates mirth from every pore, adorably sprinkling her viennese fairy dust everywhere with every twirl, conjuring upside down frowns on even the grouchiest faces.
So basically, “Loin d’ici” is such a refreshing breath of air because it is so unpretentiously carefree. It isn’t bogged down by the strict standards that the musical industry imposes on so-called “quality songs”. Yes, “Loin d’ici” is repetitive and frivolous and has no deep underlying meaning (other than a shallow narrative about some faraway land), but it doesnt need to be anything else. Its mere existence makes people happy and I can’t think of a better quality in a song.
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69. IMRI - “I feel alive” Israel 2017
[2017 Review here]
Yes, that’s right “LIVE at the semifinal”. We rate songs according to their best performance here. (when it suits my interests 😈), which conventiently allows me to skip over IMRI’s awful finale performance. 😈 However... Imri’s voice breaking to pieces 😍 Self-prophesized irony is the best sort of irony.
Pictured: a metaphorical representation of IMRI’s vocal capabilities
Anyway, am I the only person who fucking LOVES Imri Ziv? I can’t be the only one, right? Leg-day skipping, sexually ambiguous (totally gay) meathead <3 There are two distinct reasons why I love him. The first and more obscure reason is his song. I mean, “I feel alive” is trashy mediterranean dance pulp 😍 with a wacky choreography 😍 and an underlying message that is about Imri’s ESC trajectory,😍 in which he has now pulled a hattrick 😍 Anthems of autofellation 😍 “I feel alive” made for a FANTASTIC closer, setting Kyiv en fuego with its dutiful dance droning.
As for the second reason, well,..
I’m pregnant. ________________________________________________________________
68. Michela - “Chameleon” Malta 2019
Is your phone operator letting you down? Do you struggle getting a clean connection on the island of Gozo? Or would you simply wish to support our glorious entrant? JOIN VODAFONE NOW and get up to €500 if Michela wins in Israel!
I am still in shock at how GREAT “Chameleon” ended up being. I mean, I had my reservations for the song but give her WATER, SHE’S A SWIMMER
GIVE HER FIRE, SHE’S A FIGHTER
GIVE HER LOVE, SHE’S A LOVER
SHE NEVER WALKS AWAY NA NA
Other than the cutting edge, mesmerizing staging that totally SOLD me on the song and beyond, there is of course Michela herself. Now, I have read a TON of criticism about her performance “EW SHE’S SO WOODEN AND CLUNKY AND NERVOUS NOT CONFIDENT AT ALL EW EW EW DIE” which... only endeared here even more to me lmfao. Like, Michela wasn’t born a lioness like Bilal and ZENA were. She is an introverted eighteen year old who won X-Factor Malta performing only ballads, it is NORMAL to not feel perfectly at ease if you were in her shoes. SHOW SOME EMPATHY!!. You think people would learn from Ellie “Blanche” Delvaux (that shy teenagers have plenty of charisma not in spite of their vulnerability, but because of it), but I suppose they enjoy getting smacked in the face with the truthhammer when their objects of hate prove their undisputed awesomeness.
PS: this is a mood:
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67. Eugent Bushpepa - “Máll” Albania 2018
[2018 Review here]
Eugent was is another of those entries I kind of overlooked during the preshow and ended up AWESOME. Though he comes with the advantage that I already liked his song prior the live show. Never the less, being Albania in the Red Wedding Semi, I had already resigned myself to his inevitable NQ though when suddenly
out of nowhere
he fucking OWNED the Altice Arena?
and I mean, I was in shock because um HELLO who are you and where were you all this time?? Of course, “Mall” is a good song in itself, a typical Albanian song: a quirky rock ballad that toes the line between dated and avant garde (though in this case it’s definitely *more* avant garde than dated), shot with cinematic precision.
However the main draw to “Mall” is obviously Eugent’s voice. Holy shit I swear this is something I don’t normally care about but Eugent hit the entire vocal spectrum with it, bullseye. He did things with his voice I never thought a human could do. It’s like Anja Nissen... on crack and if Anja Nissen had a good song, likable personality and epic sense of fashion.
So, the conclusion I want to draw here is... is this the best male vocal performance of the decade? It might very well be.
shouts to @admanholmo for reading and commenting regularly on my blog! I hope you’re not to disappointed I booted your favourite, but #67 isn’t too bad I think! Onward to (slightly) better things
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66. Minus One - “Alter Ego” Cyprus 2016
Entering with what is one of the BEST opening shots ever in a Eurovision song:
Minus One may appear underwhelming, being ranked right after Eugent and being in a year that has 😍NIKA KOCHAROV😍 in it, but holy shit I was INSTANTLY hooked by that epic close up and never gave up, nor gave in. Actually that’s a lie because I fell in love with “Alter Ego” the SECOND it was released. 🤭 Thomas G:sson is often credited for penning “Euphoria” but his best genre is -without question- schlager. And yes, this wonderful, unique, beautiful blend of metal and schlager is exactly what WE ALL NEED in our lives. Denying it is pointless. BE SWEPT AWAY by the EPILEPSY
the LYCANTROPY
and just the general dark, moody INSANITY:
WE’RE CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAWN AND THE SUNRISE LIFE IS A MIRACLE I SAW IT IN YOUR EYES.
I am not in love with Cyprus in this decade, nor do I think they were particularly good even though Eleni may make it appear that way. Cyprus have always been one of the most middling ESC nations to me, but it’s worth nothing that their highs are usually much higher than their lows are low. It’s just a question of getting highs consistently, which Cyprus normally don’t because the hellenic budget usually goes to Greece instead. With Greece going through a dark age however, I think they could reap the benefits and even clinch another top five soon though.
“I don’t normally listen to that style of music but Malta’s song is really catchy. Shame about the chorus though.”
Who will be next?.. Eurovision is getting closer!
Amazing Dare To Dream logos by Dreval Maxim and Sergio (get them all!)
These spot the difference games are getting way too hard