Can I ask for Nessian angst with one chance?
realizing now this is…not that angsty BUT THE VISION IS THERE.
The morning wind brushed over Nesta’s face, kissing her a final goodbye as she prepared to leave Velaris.
She basked in its familiarity one last time. Let its soft breeze frigid her bones and swish her skirt over her boots like ruffling feathers. Her fur lined coat did little in warming her and, for once, she wasn’t complaining. On this aberrant morning, the coldness numbed her heart of any and all doubts.
Velaris had been kind to her over the years. It welcomed her when she had no home, when she’d lost everything down to her very identity. She came here with nothing to her name but the thin, wet nightgown clinging to her back, and Velaris, with its starlit sky and ridged mountain peaks, had embraced her. Broken bits and all. But it was never really home, not quiet, and Nesta knew it never really would be. Because home was somewhere very far from here. Away from the Fae and their magic and all the chaos they seemed to naturally call forward.
Home was a broken-down cottage in the Human lands.
Home was the scrawny bedroom she shared with her two sisters and the floor they slept on all huddled up together, if only to cling to each other’s warmth.
Nesta never appreciated it then, the simplicity and grace of her human life. She never realized how much she’d miss it util it was ripped away from her in the cruelest way possible. She’d mourned her human life plenty, and although she’d made peace with that loss, there were times where she found herself still dreaming of going back.
Things would be different now. They had to be. Her old life was forever a thing of the past, there was no reconciling that. But it didn’t mean she could never back go home. Nobody, not even Rhysand and his wish to control her life, could take that away from her. If she yearned for the touch of home, she’ll chase after the feeling even if it was the last damned thing she did. No more will she fold herself in half to please Cassian’s family. No more will she shrink herself to fit into a place that was never molded for her. For once, just this once, she chose to be shamelessly selfish.
Between being thrust into a war, harnessing her Cauldron-given powers, and navigating her mating bond with Cassian—she’d never had a single spare moment to figure out what it meant it to be Nesta, Lady Death as she was now.
She wanted to. Stopped fearing it lately.
“Are you sure about this?” Cassian—who had spent all morning pacing and asking that same question in fifty different ways—asked again. He was looking down at her with the utmost gentleness, his hazel eyes colored with pain and disappointment. Disappointment because she would not stop answering with yes. He knew it would be no different now, though Nesta could tell he still had some hope it’d change.
He fluffed the fur around her neck, and she shivered when his rough hands grazed her skin. He was so warm. Always ran so much hotter than her. She couldn’t say she won’t miss that. “Yes, I’m sure,” she answered sternly, chin held high. Cassian’s face dulled, and his hands went slack at his sides, his warmth snuffed with it. Nesta sighed. How many times have they had this conversation?
“We’ve talked about this, Cas. I need—”
“Space.” Cassian cut her off, spitting the word like it was venom. “Yeah, I got it, Nes. You need space.” From me went unsaid, but Nesta knew Cassian well enough to know he was thinking it despite her saying the opposite countless times. This had nothing to do with him. She was doing this for herself first and foremost. That, apparently, was a peculiar idea to Cassian.
Feeling slightly defeated, Nesta picked up her bags and watched as Cassian fought an internal battle with himself. The sun was beating down on him, prickling his forehead with sweat and further bunching his thick brows together. Her leaving was tearing him apart, and Nesta hated herself for it.
“Can you just give me one chance, Nes? I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t—” Cassian searched her eyes furiously, waiting for her to drop the bags and jump into his arms. When she only stared at him, steel eyes impenetrable, his shoulders dropped. “You don’t have to go.”
She’d never heard Cassian sound so desperate.
“This isn’t goodbye,” she said softly. Not exactly a promise but not a lie either. She loved Cassian. One way or another, she wanted to believe they’d find their way back to each other. Isn’t that what it meant to be mates?
Cassian didn’t appear any less heartbroken when she braced herself to turn around, but, frankly, she had no more comforts to offer. If he truly loved her, he’d support her. Perhaps wait for her.
With eager steps, she walked towards the Vanserra who had volunteered not just to help winnow her to the Human Lands but to…take her in. Same way his friends did to him. Her travel partner one might say. He was waiting for her near the River House, leaning against a wall as the sun washed him in gold. Ever the gentleman, he immediately carried her bags for her and smiled, courteous and genuine. He was clad in distinct human attire, and it buzzed something in Nesta, made her feel that much closer to home already.
“Are you ready?” He asked and Nesta had to steel herself to nod. He hadn’t asked if she was sure.
When Lucien offered her his hand, she took it without looking back. The wind blew around them, and Nesta’s doubts swept right into its cold spin.
A new beginning. An uncharted journey.
