3rd of October (Somewhen in 2022)
I woke up tonight. 8:59 PM. It's not the best kind of waking up. My body felt dry, hot, and sweaty. I woke up to the sound of silence. To the crumpled sheets. It had happened again. I really hate it. Everybody's asleep and I'm the only person awake. Don't get me wrong - I love being alone. Solace is a nice thing. I enjoy the company of myself. But when it's this quiet and empty, and the walls feel like reaching out and speaking to you, and all the neighborhood's lights are dead, it feels oddly peculiar. I hate it. I just wish I was asleep so I wouldn't have to feel this way. Plus, our house is miles away from the highway. It's forest-y here. No one makes a sound except for birds, frogs, insects. Or wind. Or rain. I could hear my own heartbeat and heavy breathes.
I don't like being energized at night. I don't have something to do except manipulate my phone and what? Move around? This late? It really pierces through, you know. You'd really be forced to look back and reflect how far you have gone. How older you are. How life slowly loses its sweetness and color. How your dearest friends are slowly being pulled out of your life. And they are not now the most important priorities, or the fun-nest existing creature ever. Most especially, the panic and pressure you feel watching life prepare its road for you.
This house never feels like home anymore. I wish I was younger. I wish my family were just like before. I wish we were still complete. I wish they never had to go abroad, or face problems, or just stayed in our little, cozy dollhouse. I wish I was still close to them. Physically and socially. I wish we never took different roads. I wish we still enjoyed the same stupid things. I wish we still understood each other. I long for those days. I miss those mornings. 6 AM and already waiting at the dinner table, barely awake. Those mornings that happen to be bright or gloomy. Or when the grass feels dewy.
I wish I could still appreciate and soak in the daylight. I never realize that the sun still shines for me. I just go out in the world and clean my shit up.
Oh, how I miss those little gatherings from close relatives. Remembering those felt cozy and nostalgic. I wish we still slept together in the airconditioned room. The cold, chilly evening and talk about stuff. And innocent we were. I wish we didn't have to care about the adult stuff right now. Or the transitional phase of the teenage shit. I wish our dogs didn't have to age, catch disease, and die.
These are what I truly miss: complete Christmas. Pajamas. Chill evenings. Rainy days. Summers (like summer-SUMMER; the bright, mustard yellow summer). Music. Real friends. Innocence. Cousins. Horror stories. The excitement of going to school.
It's really speaking to me how everything lately feels to fast. Too swift. Bewildering, hard, and crazy. We've reached the point where even breathing needs to be prioritized in your schedule or else... there's no breathing at all. Life never feels the same. And aging... is BRUTALLY scaring the shit out of me.
I don't know if I could ever make warmth in a very cold place. Will I feel nostalgic for the next few years? Can nostalgia sprout from a very monochromatic time? Or has that power lost itself too? Is there still warmth left out for this year and the coming ones?
