#midweekconfessional

[closetjudas]

#midweekconfessional on tracking plays. . . . regardless of the type of media a person creates, as much as any creator might say to themself + others that numbers don't matter, it's not entirely true - especially if one goal artists have is to facilitate the largest possible engagement with what they've produced. with my music, it's fascinating to see where people are listening from + which songs they're playing most. for instance, based on information i have from soundcloud, songs of mine that currently have the most clicks of all-time are "new tenements" (from "fringe faith[ful]" in 2016), "closet judas" (from "delusional" in 2007) + "breakable" (from "blindsight" in 2004). as for my last album, the track "overwatch" has the most online spins so far - mainly from a listener in turkey - followed by "leaving, presently" (which recently got some radio play in manitoba + texas). it's also particularly encouraging to me when people take the time to listen through a whole album (which is always my hope with anything i release). what's more, when a person gives ear to something i've created repeatedly, i take that as an incontrovertible mark of success. however, also noticeable (especially via bandcamp) are the partial plays, skips + the lack of data (due to no activity). it's correspondingly tempting to never look at statistics...there's definitely something to be said re: the mystery of pre-digital times. but even though most engagement isn't from those who i assumed might be more interested, it's nice to know that there are some folks out there who are listening...including whoever listened to "overwatch" yesterday from andong (south korea). all this to say, if you have streamed or downloaded any of my music over the past number of years, that really means a lot to me personally - thank you. and if you've ever made anything that you'd like someone to check out, send it my way (as i would be happy to take a look/listen/etc). https://www.instagram.com/p/CDO_ikggqt6/?igshid=v098vvybzhq8

[closetjudas]

#midweekconfessional on most plays. . . . "soy un perdedor" - @beck. https://www.instagram.com/p/B_kXvsfJyd4/?igshid=1u9fp053wqcv0

[closetjudas]

#midweekconfessional on songwriting motivations. . . . it's always helpful to ask ourselves why we do what we do, as it can reveal some important things that we otherwise might overlook/forget. as for the music i create, i would say the primary motivation for writing/recording is therapeutic: it allows me to work through my own experience of life. and while there is surely a narcissistic element to listening to my own music, it's also part of a continual process of me distilling how i see the world. hearing tracks that i've put together reminds me about where i once was + where i am now in my thinking...akin to consulting a journal; it's about remembering. but it's one thing to make something + another thing to share it. why then do i feel the need to invite others to hear/read about what i've created? the modest reason is that i want those close to me to understand who i am + to perhaps enjoy something i produced. it's easy, though, to become distracted/consumed by wanting more. correspondingly, the egocentric objective for "releasing" albums is surely affirmation-seeking. presently, the challenge for me to surpass relates to falsely assuming others might be equally interested in the songs that i've written; deludedly expecting some kind of meagre renown/recognition; erroneously supposing my recordings warrant a wider audience + that people like strombo or companies like collective arts should feature my material. to be perfectly honest, i'm not exactly sure what i expect. what's clear is that it's easy to become sidetracked (i.e. whereas our adolescent preoccupation is largely about popularity, it seems that adulthood can basely become a matter of regard/relevance). anyway - in the words of kurt cobain: "oh well, whatever, nevermind." after all, there are substantially more important issues to be worried about. i probably just need to focus again on my primary incentives for creating (instead of paying attention to stats + the symbolic indifference of certain others). all this to say, i'm thankful for those who have listened so far to "lunacy" - especially to my friends (whose opinion i value the most) who have given me the only feedback that should matter. https://www.instagram.com/p/B4iGfQLAiVC/?igshid=1b3aqb5pstj2f

[closetjudas]

#midweekconfessional on scott hutchison. . . . this week - on may 11th - it will be one year since i heard the news that scott hutchison died. singer/songwriter/guitarist for the band frightened rabbit, i first discovered his music when @frabbits opened for death cab in toronto (july 2011). and while i never met scott, it almost felt like it, as every lyric + chord exuded such profound honesty/unpretentiousness. perhaps it's that when the voice (or soul) of a person is preserved in the recording of a song, if we spend enough time listening to the music one's created, it's like they become somewhat of a constant companion or faithful friend. and because scott was so open about dark/difficult things - effectively short-circuiting the fakery that often typifies human interaction - the shock of his loss was akin to losing someone close (who had poetically confided so many deeply personal things to his audience over the years). he is missed - not only for the music he made with frightened rabbit, owl john + mastersystem, but also for his daring to be real/honest with people (without making it a spectacle). in his second-to-last public post on twitter (may 8, 2018), he wrote: "be so good to everyone you love. it's not a given. i'm so annoyed that it's not. i didn't live by that standard and it kills me. please, hug your loved ones." i must try harder. . . . #rabbitremembrance #maketinychanges https://www.instagram.com/p/BxM2Jl0npFv/?igshid=1d60r9cwhundr

[closetjudas]

#midweekconfessional on identity articulation. . . . as expressed by david bazan in the song "the fleecing" (on pedro the lion's "achilles heel"): "i can't say it like i sing it." or alternatively in his song "criticism as inspiration" (from the album "the only reason i feel secure"): "i can write it in a song but never say it to your face." simply put - the lyrics that i put to music easily offer the most transparent glimpse into my personhood. that being said, it's arguable that someone who i've never met but who has interacted with my songs/explanations may in fact know me better than those who have been my friends + family for a long time (who might not have heard/read what i've written). recently, someone thoughtfully asked me about my drive/motivation for releasing music (i.e. if there's no financial gain for sharing content that i create for free + no widespread recognition because the number of people who are familiar with my work is limited to the small number of people that i'm connected with on social media, then why do it at all?). for me, songwriting has always been the best way to express what's actually going on inside; to cathartically work through existential malaise; to think out loud. and to be honest, what impels me to write + share my music is essentially two-fold: (1) it's an enduring record of who i am...it literally tracks my progress as a human being + if what i create outlives me, others - most notably, my descendants - will not only know i existed, but will also be able to understand me as a person; and (2) it's a connection point...for those who exist alongside me right now, it provides people a relatively clear glimpse into how i am seeing life presently. i guess it's my own cartesian way of saying: "i think, therefore i am." and since all of my content is ontological, my hope is that it either resonates with listeners (i.e. gives words to feelings that are already present in others; catalyzing solidarity), or that it effectively unsettles complacent/unexamined notions about life (i.e. challenges uncritically-held beliefs; generating dissonance). at the very least, i hope the few people that listen like what they hear musically. https://www.instagram.com/p/BwFZDm0A4ot/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=of7kk7i45xop