Pearl, Greg, and Steven being purposefully tinted in “Both of You” to foreshadow the complicated triangulation of Blue, Yellow, and Pink Diamond is still so good. 😭
In each trio, the commonality is the incredibly simple but nonetheless profound idea that love is the bridge that can heal so many wounds.
But in order for that love to work its magic, you have to talk.
You have to communicate.
Otherwise, fourteen years and five thousand of them can go by in silent misery.
For the last fifteen years, Jay Zircon had been Diamond Electric’s top lawyer alongside her sister and fellow counsel, Gilda. Whatever lawsuits the company faced—and it had faced more than its fair share—the pair headed the legal team which incisively ensured victory for their illustrious CEO, Yellow Diamond.
Where Gilda was aggressive and willing to snipe beneath the belt, a style that suited their similarly minded boss, Jay was more circumspect in her methodology, able to work through all the variables of a given case to create a slower but undeniably thorough position. When the two of them worked together, they made a dichotomous but somehow remarkably fluid team.
They didn’t lose very often.
They couldn’t afford to lose given the status, prestige, and formidable demand of their employer, who also didn’t lose.
Very often.
(Yellow Diamond had lost her only child four years ago, and it was clear to everyone, to all who knew her, that she hadn’t been the same since.)
The Zircons worked together often in the sense that they were continually forced into close proximity to each other by the nature of their jobs and painful holidays with their aging mother… but as far as working together in a more metaphorical sense went, aliens would invade Earth first before the siblings would ever find common ground for longer than a day.
And somehow, aliens were less of a far-stretch.
“I’m looking at all the facts now, and I truly think, if I-I’m allowed to be frank, Mrs. Diamond, that it is in our best interest to settle for this particular case.” Jay’s voice trembled as she carefully addressed the figure at the head of the conference table.
Arranged in a black three piece suit, Yellow Diamond was simply—there was no other word for it—striking, a slightly slouched but otherwise imperial statue cut from marble in her hardback chair. There was always an air about her, an impression, that she was an impenetrable fortress, her tall walls fortified with sharp weaponry and stone.
Her architecture was magnificent, but in its harshness and angularity, all lines and geometrical edges, it always emphasized an implicit message: She was a woman who it would be unwise to cross.
She stared between the sisters impassively, finger interlocked below her sharp chin as she listened, though Jay couldn’t help but notice that the CEO’s attention was divided between them and her phone, which sat dormant on the table, a silent specter.
“That’s your go-to solution, isn’t it?” Gilda scoffed, her arrogance impressively balanced in the haughty tilt of her nose. “Settle. What is this? A petty traffic ticket? We shouldn’t be settling anything! We could have them on the ropes if we just—”
“Gilda!” She interrupted incredulously, splaying her hands forcibly on the table. “Loosen your cravat so you can see the big picture for heaven’s sake! The factory‘s waste has been unlawfully leaking on a protected reservation for twelve years. We can contest that until we’re blue in the face, but no judge on this green earth is going to rule in our favor.”
Her sister opened that insufferable mouth of hers, likely to argue some asinine point that Jay would spend the next thirty minutes trying to meticulously deconstruct, but the familiar tango was harshly interrupted by the ringing of a phone that was neither of theirs.
“Quiet!” Yellow Diamond hissed, fluidly pulling the device up to her ear, and there was a viciousness in her ordinarily well-regimented face that neither lawyer felt particularly equipped to contest.
So they blanched into obedient silence on either side of the tense CEO.
Gilda uncomfortably picked at her portfolio.
“Blue? What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
On the other end of the line, the woman who Jay knew to be Yellow Diamond’s wife, seemed to reply.
Fifteen years was a long time to have known the Diamonds, and during that span—all those days, weeks, and months—Jay understood both very little about them and an incredible lot.
Fifteen years ago, Pink Diamond had been a precocious ten-year old who had accompanied her mother to work from time to time. She used to play on the elevator, zipping from the lobby to the fortieth floor constantly, as though it was some exciting game called Annoy the Poor Elevator Attendant. Jay had been awkward and clumsy then, a young lawyer still trying to find her footing as the newest addition to one of the most elite legal teams in the entire city, and one of her most vivid memories from that time was the youngest Diamond accidentally bumping into her on said elevator, causing her to spill her scalding coffee all over her favorite portfolio.
The child had apologized profusely and even proffered her own jacket as a napkin because she was sweet like that—if a little impish. Freckles crossed the bridge of her nose like trailing dandelion dust; there was a gap in her mouth where she’d just lost a tooth.
For a couple of years there, Jay became familiarized with the heiress’s occasional presence in the building. She was the shock of pink hair bobbing impatiently in the elevator, and she was the flash of red converses heeling off down the hallway and around the corner. She was the lone bubbly voice in a sea of sober business droning. She was ten, and then she was thirteen, and then she was sixteen, obnoxiously jingling the keys to her new convertible around everywhere, as though just begging someone to ask about them.
She was the rare smile on Yellow Diamond’s unbending mouth—crooked there, stiff.
Almost reluctant.
But undoubtedly there.
And then, just like that, she was gone.
The hallways of Diamond Electric felt a little less… vibrant without the spontaneity of those red converses and the climbing octaves of that high, lilting laugh.
Mischievous.
To the last.
As for Blue Diamond, Jay could only claim to have seen her maybe a handful of times in the course of her employ at DE, though only one occasion was stark in the lawyer’s well-ordered recollections.
At the trial where Pink Diamond’s killers were sentenced to life in prison without the possibility of parole, the Zircons’ euphoria at having argued their cased well was immediately tempered as the entire courtroom watched a tragedy unfold before their eyes. There was no applause as Yellow Diamond stood and held her wife in her arms.
There was only silence.
And baited breath.
And a mutual, unspoken, dirty relief that they were not the Diamonds and only passive voyeurs to what was assuredly unspeakable misery.
That night, Jay and Gilda were quite polite to each other as they taxied away from the courthouse.
A mutual, unspoken, dirty truce.
“No, no, I’m, of course I’m not busy,” Yellow said, standing up with an abruptness that startled the Zircons. She was already halfway to the door before at least one of them recovered their wits.
“But, Mrs. Diamond!” Gilda interjected. “The lawsuit. We—”
“We’re done for the night,” Yellow called over her shoulder, a brusqueness in her voice that left no room for argument. “We can reconvene in the morning.”
“But—”
The door slammed on Gilda’s final protestation.
A framed picture of the Empire City skyline comically fell from its place on the wall at the force of the exit, landing facedown on the floor with a pathetic ker-clunk.
Jay glanced down at the neatly compiled packet below her—the efforts of at least two weeks worth of joint research.
They had barely made it past page four; there were fifty-two pages total.
“Her head’s just not in the game anymore,” Gilda sniffed, scooping up her own papers with a roughness that wasn’t entirely impersonal. “Hasn’t been in years now.”
“Gilda,” Jay chided sharply, her voice low, but even she knew that whispering was an exercise in futility.
Their boss was long gone.
“Oh, don’t give me that holier than thou nonsense, sister mine. You know it. Everyone in this office—nay!—this building knows it.” She shoved her portfolio back into her briefcase and closed it, harshly palming the brass clasps. “Our stalwart leader has been compromised.”
“She’s still grieving obviously. She’s taking care of her wife…”
Gilda only shook her head, standing up from her own chair. Her impeccable coif—tall and vaguely impossible looking—gleamed beneath the warm overheads.
“And I’m sympathetic towards her,” she said. “I am. But you cannot run a multibillion dollar business on sentiment.”
It was an effective closing statement to which Jay Zircon had no reasonable rebuttal.
Her sister swept out of the conference room with a last harrumph of contempt, while she alone remained, the last diner at that long, empty table. She shuffled a few of her papers absentmindedly and glanced out of the yellow-tinted windows as the sky slowly turned over to night, charcoaling.
Sentiment.
This company had no use for it.
6:44PM:
The conversation had lasted maybe ten minutes, two of which were lost to clumsy silence as Yellow Diamond navigated from the conference room to her office around the corner, closing the door behind her with a resolute click.
They spent three minutes more on useless pleasantries because that was just what a phone call between two spouses who didn’t really talk anymore entailed.
The barely breathed, Hello.
The awkwardly returned, Hi.
The shuffling of their reluctant breaths, all static and white noise over the line, before Yellow ripped the bandage off with all the indelicacy she centered her brutal facade around, exposing the wound raw.
Did you mean it? Are you sure you’re… okay ?
Because the bleak truth was that she wasn’t sure she believed Blue when she said that she was fine. Four years of perpetual mourning had taught her entirely too much about silent, grief stricken nights and very little about belief, hope, and all of those other empty platitudes. Blue Diamond could say that she was fine and leave a suicide note in the wastebasket three hours later. Blue Diamond could promise that she was okay, only to dissolve on a balcony full of sun because she was light five minutes ago… and now—and forevermore—she was not. She could build a cathedral out of reassurances and condemn it to the ground with just the thought, the remembrance, and the overwhelming absence of Pink Diamond, who haunted them both perpetually and always.
They’d been in the ruins for four years now, and the bottom line was that Yellow Diamond didn’t trust mere words.
And maybe, just maybe, she didn’t trust Bl—
Pleasantries and silence—that was what a phone call between two spouses who didn’t really talk anymore entailed.
There was breathing, and there was the swelling darkness just outside the gold colored windows of Diamond Electric.
In and out and in and out.
Inhale.
Exhale.
And there was a long pause as Blue Diamond collected her thoughts in that quietly precise way of hers; she was always so meticulous in how she used her words, as though they were instruments to be handled with delicate care.
Yes? She replied gently, her voice lilting upwards as though she was asking a question. And no… perhaps both at the same time if those emotions can coexist without contradiction… Yellow, I—
What? Because Yellow had abruptly cut in, unable to stand the tension.
So impatient to the last.
Unfailingly.
The coldness of the office pressed upon her like a vice, its hard edges sinking in her skin. She dug her fingers into the smooth surface of her desk as though to ground herself, but there was nothing to hold on to but the grains. It was always like this when she talked to Blue; the expansive scope of her world narrowed down to her and her alone. Gravity meant nothing; time meant nothing; everything in the world meant nothing.
Except.
And always.
Blue.
I’m sorry, she simply said.
It was only two words; they landed in the pit of Yellow’s stomach like a blow.
I’ve hurt you—immeasurably—in all these collected years, and I’m sorry for that, Yellow, she continued, her voice soft, for all the immeasurable, collected hurts. I am.
Two weeks ago, Blue Diamond had been lying catatonic in her bed, decomposing.
And now, she was apologizing for four years worth of hurt.
It was inconceivable.
Impossible.
It felt wrong.
Surreal.
Why? Yellow’s voice was strangled in her throat, dry and parched. Why now?
Why not a year ago when Yellow knelt by her bedside and pleaded with her—begged her—to stay goddammit? Why not all those hundreds upon hundred of nights that she had slept in the study on a damn leather couch, keeping one eye on the half-opened door in her study, even in the throes of sleep? Why today, of all days, when the consummate businesswoman was in the middle of yet another crucial meeting she would easily abandon all for the sake of one person?
Why?
The question scratched her chest; it punctured her beating lungs.
Why now?
And why… why was Yellow never enough?
(She had wanted to be enough.)
I visited a boy who is fighting for his life today, came the quiet reply. And it reminded me, quickly, of how fragile this all really is.
She had paused then.
The unspoken name nestled between them; the memory of their daughter wreathed her neck.
Pink used to love coming up to this very office just because she liked spinning around in her mother’s chair. Her shoes would briefly flash against the floor just so she could gain momentum, and then she would spin, spin, spin, her head tilted back in the beginnings of a long laugh.
Yellow glanced at it then, the worn leather shining dully in the light glancing in from the windows.
It was completely and utterly empty.
I have to go, Blue. Sorry. I stepped out of a meeting.
She had dismissed the meeting.
Oh, I—
We can talk when I get home tonight.
And then she had clicked the phone off unceremoniously and shoved it across the desk as though it offended.
Ten minutes.
For the last twenty, Yellow Diamond had been sitting in the darkness of her office in that damn leather chair, nursing a glass of scotch between her trembling hands. She downed one smooth shot and then another; she drank and she drank until the expensive decanter was all gone, and the after notes of vanilla and barley and peat smoke burned her aching mouth. She drank and she drank, rummaging through her liqueur cabinet with a kind of desperation that made her feel less like a human and more like a rabid dog, hunting for just a drop of water.
Anything to take off the edge.
She drank until all the memories went away, until four years worth of them were walled off by the dulling buzz of Lagavulin.
And when a single tear crept down the hardened architecture of her face, collecting pitifully on the point of her sharp shin, she was so damn drunk, that she didn’t even know what she was crying about anymore.
Why?
Why now?
And why was she not enough?
She had wanted to be enough.
The beginnings of stars rose from the fire of the sky, and Yellow Diamond watched them as they crashed and burned.
7:01PM:
See, the trouble started when the vending machine near their hotel room stopped working.
Nose wrinkling, stomach rumbling for the want of a snack that would tide her over until Greg got back with pizza, Amethyst tried shaking it, kicking it, and even pleading with the stupid thing all for the sake of a Twinkie she knew probably wouldn’t even taste that good.
But to no avail.
The Twinkie gods hated her apparently.
And so, with a sigh that sounded a hell of a lot more like a groan, she punched the refund button and got her dollar twenty five back in quarters before deciding to try the vending machine in the hospital lobby, moving along the smooth, carpeted floor with new purpose. The rubber sole of her left boot flapped noisily as she walked, having come loose a few weeks ago; she’d been meaning to get it repaired, but between work and Steven, time had been less of a quantity that she possessed, so much as it was something that she chased after.
Every second was a gift, and every minute was a fucking lottery.
There was an elevator ride down and accompanying elevator music, jingling and jangling rhythmically to the beat of her antsy nerves. And there was a text from Vidalia asking how Steven was doing, which she didn’t know how to answer, so she just didn’t reply. (V would get it better than most. Her hubs was a quiet man, so she knew the language of silence entirely too well, whereas Amethyst was still getting the hang of it. Silence was a stalker she had spent half of her life trying to avoid.)
And finally, there was the elevator prying itself open into an atrium that was darkening with the gathering night. Only a few visitors remained, scattered in various hardback chairs and wearing the same tired, careworn faces.
Amethyst didn’t doubt that she looked the same to them.
Because these were faces, sure enough, of loving someone and being afraid to lose them. There was a depletion to the act, a necessary consumption, that united them together beneath the flat roof of the Empire City Regional Medical Center.
They were exhausted—all of them.
So damn weary.
Amethyst had already slumped halfway to the vending machine when she saw her.
One of those same tired, careworn faces.
But a very particular tired, careworn face at the same time.
Blue Diamond, looking incredibly uncomfortable in the chair upon which she sat, her metal cane gleaming by her side.
Amethyst flicked her phone upwards so that the home screen briefly flashed on—it was 7:07. Hella late, and yet, the old lady was still here, looking for all the world like someone had killed her cat or something equally as egregious. Her plump lips were all twisted in a quiet, gnawing sort of frown as she played a little with her long hands on her lap.
Her eyes stared at the ground, but Amethyst could tell—the woman wasn’t really seeing it.
And there was something so singularly sad about this image.
Vulnerable.
That made Amethyst push her Twinkie quest to the back of her mind.
Shoving her curled fists into the pockets of her joggers, Amethyst took one step and then another across the tiled floor until she was standing right in front of the puzzle of Blue Diamond, the multibillionaire who had worn a bathrobe to a cemetery.
And she knew it was insensitive of her to think that way. Regardless of the woman’s faults, numerous though Amethyst assumed they were, she hadn’t asked for her griefs to be handed to her on a silver platter.
She hadn’t asked to be undone.
To be fair, though, no one ever did.
That was just the dice of life, rolled across a slanting table.
Snake eyes.
Sorry.
Better luck next time.
“Anyone sittin’ here?” She asked gruffly, jerking her thumb towards the empty chair on Blue Diamond’s left.
Startled from her solemn reverie, Blue looked up then, mouth parting slightly in a soft ‘o’ of surprise as recognition pinched her silvery brow. She shifted in her seat, hunched shoulders straightening with an understated kind of elegance that Amethyst had come to closely associate with Pearl.
This wasn’t an especially welcome analogy, though. After all, while she’d gotten used to Pearl’s various quirks by now, for a long time there—years even—she’d always felt… condescended by her in a way.
Patronized.
Small.
That feeling took a long ass while to go away with a person whom she considered to be one of her closest friends; how much longer would the sensation last with a total effing stranger, especially the very one she was, like, supposed to hate just on mere principle?
Amethyst ran a habitual hand through her hair in the awkwardness of it all and shifted her weight from one shoe to the other, rocking back and forth. The sole of the left one went flap, flap, flap.
“You’re… one of Steven’s guardians, yes?”
“Yup, one of many.” And then, because she knew that probably didn’t clarify matters, brusquely added, “Amethyst. I was the one who brought him to your suite the other day. Can I sit?”
She once again gestured pointedly to the chair, raising a lavender brow in such a way that more or less communicated, Jeez, woman, get it together.
“Oh, yes! My apologies,” came the appropriately abashed reply. “Please. Be my guest.”
And so, with a little more force than was necessary, Amethyst threw herself into the empty seat, ass already chafing against its hard bottom, the tips of her boots just barely scraping the clinically white floor.
She could feel Blue Diamond’s tallness next to her more than she dared to look at it for herself; her presence was overwhelming as it was without having to look at her dead on—the shadows turning circles beneath her huge eyes, the parentheses around her quivering mouth, and that air of misery that the twenty-nine year old knew well enough without needing to observe it in a perfect stranger. Out of the corner of her eye, though, she could see that the woman had gone back to staring at her wrinkled hands, templing them delicately on the blue fabric of her lap.
“My valet is coming to pick me up,” she offered without prompting, “but I believe traffic is delaying her.”
“S’always cray cray around this time of night,” Amethyst returned knowledgeably. She couldn’t claim to like Empire City, but after a few months of driving up here so often, she supposed she at least couldn’t refute that she knew it. “Lotsa idiots out n about.”
“Reckless, are they not?”
“The absolute wooooorst.”
And both of their mouths briefly quirked at exactly the same time before silence fell between them again, clumsy and awkward, like an entity still growing into its feet.
They were talking about traffic.
Neither of them really wanted to talk about traffic.
Amethyst broke the stillness first, studiously continuing to not look at her companion. Instead, she drew her leg upwards into her chair, so she could pick at her boot some more.
Flap, flap, flap.
“So you saw him, huh?”
It wasn’t necessary to evoke his name; after all, she was pretty sure that the image of him laying in that hospital bed, all swarming with tubes, haunted the both of them even now, invading the sanctity of their minds and eyes.
Flap, flap, flap.
She was going to tear her shoe to shreds if she kept it up.
(She kept it up.)
“I saw him, yes,” Blue agreed quietly, her fingers stilling in their cathedral position. One thumb was balanced carefully atop of the other, bricks without mortar, construction without foundation. “I... wasn't ready… he was so small... and I almost looked away... I'm ashamed to even admit it."
The confession was broken into tiny fragments, each splinter slow and painful in the rolling of her accent.
Amethyst couldn’t help herself then—restraint had never been the name by which she was known.
She was blunt.
She parried back, “You still could, y’know. You don’t have to be here for this.”
You don’t have to put yourself through this if you can help it.
(We can’t help it.)
“Not your circus, not your monkeys, and all that jazz.”
And maybe that was the crux of it, the beating heart behind the entanglement of her reluctance when it came to the wealthy woman sitting next to her. The Crystal Gem couldn’t understand why someone, anyone, would willingly partake in this exhibition when they had every blessed out in the world. Blue Diamond didn’t have to care for Steven. She didn’t have to be here. She could go back to the fiftieth floor of her penthouse suite and wall herself away from one care of this world more. Just from her looks alone, Amethyst could tell that she couldn’t afford another loss, and yet, she could absolutely afford to get away from the possibility of another loss if she just, well, left.
If she hurried.
Before the boy who was kind enough to extend flowers to random ladies in the cemetery could worm his way into a heart that had already had its reckoning.
But—and Amethyst was just now realizing this with the force of a collision—maybe that was the crux of it, too.
That simple goodness of a proffered hand had been enough.
It had changed a life.
Maybe, quite possibly, it had saved one.
“I… just got off the phone with my wife,” Blue Diamond whispered, “and she asked a singular question to which I couldn’t provide the answer. Why? Such a simple beast, and yet a devastatingly complex one.”
Why Rose all those many years ago?
Why Steven now?
Why couldn’t they find him a damn kidney?
Why couldn’t life give them one damn break?
Why?
The familiarity of the question rose like a lump in Amethyst’s throat.
“I’ve looked away from her—from everything, really—for so many years, even before my daughter…” The woman trailed away, her voice hitching. It took her a few seconds to regroup. She placed a steadying hand on her chest. “… and now, for reasons I cannot necessarily explain myself… I don’t want to anymore. Maybe, Yellow, it is because a child in a cemetery told me that it was quite possible to still feel the pain of my loss and still live? Maybe, Yellow, it is because I sat upon a balcony with him and envied the hunger he had for life, and wondered, for the first time in years, if it was still possible to obtain a modicum of it for myself? Maybe, Yellow, I saw him in a hospital bed today—sick—and it reminded me of a truth that I’d long forgotten.”
Amethyst chanced a peek at Blue Diamond then, stole it ashamedly, as though she was a child reaching a hand into the cookie jar.
The dim incandescence of the overheads crowned her silvery head in soft, white light as she glanced upwards, her half-moon gaze angled to a spot that the Crystal Gem couldn’t quite see.
She almost looked beautiful—a portrait in melancholy, all feathery brushstrokes.
Steven would have thought so anyway.
Hell, he was the type of person who would have even said it.
“And what that’d be?” She asked.
What was the answer to that devastatingly simple, that horribly complex question, Why?
If there was even an answer at all.
What truth had a woman as seemingly erudite as Blue Diamond so guiltily forgotten?
Blue looked down then, a strand of wavy hair falling between her eyes. It curled a little at the end.
“Why?” She murmured, her strained voice barely above a whisper. Amethyst had to lean in just to catch what she said next. “Because I love you, Yellow—so much. That is why.”
The rawness of the proclamation, the sincerity of it, seared the both of them, landing cleanly between them like the precise swing of an axe. It was always such a vulnerable gamble to admit to love, and perhaps it was even revolutionary to proffer it as the solution to why.
Why am I trying?
Why am I still here?
Why can’t I look away, Steven?
Because I love you—so much. That is it.
That is all.
And that is why.
It was a simple phrase, and it was a profound one. It was scarcely said; in Blue Diamond’s case, it was forgotten.
“You should tell that to her,” Amethyst suddenly said, and just for a moment there, it didn’t matter that the person in question was the dread Yellow Diamond, her mortal enemy or whatever.
Just for a moment, Yellow Diamond was merely a person who was loved by another.
“Exactly like that,” she pressed before glancing away, her bangs falling across her eyes. She played with her busted shoe again as heat clambered up her face—flap, flap, flap. It was surreal to be sitting here, giving advice to a woman so different from her and so alien. It was only chance that they were both sitting here—here, of all places—beneath the roof of this hospital.
Tired and careworn.
Alike but not especially.
Perfect strangers.
Connected simply by a flower and a boy.
Now it was Blue Diamond’s turn to stare; her tall, sickle-shaped eyes were drawn to the noise of flap, flap, flap, which made Amethyst self-conscious about the fact that the woman was likely wearing a designer dress.
Damn these rich people.
“I fear it may be too late. I’ve done my damage.”
“Maybe,” Amethyst shrugged. It was all she could do. “But ya won’t know until you’ve tried.”
They were both silent again. Outside the glass windows, the world had taken on the dull purple of night, pulling it over its shoulders like a cozy, star-spangled nightgown.
“Thank you… Amethyst.”
Blue Diamond offered her a parenthetical smile of an olive branch of a truce; it was a reluctant little gesture, still stiff and foreign on the mouth of someone who looked like she hadn’t smiled in years.
“Nah, don’t mention it, dude," she shrugged.
It was not forgiveness, nor was it absolution.
But it was a tiny concession.
It was a tired half-smile pulling at her lips.
“I needed the reminder, too.”
7:39PM:
Traffic in Empire City was always a risky gamble of a business, especially at night when the only rule of the six lane seemed to be, “Everything goes, and good luck with the going, buddy, old pal, my friend.”
Having spent years driving up here with Rose for various doctor appointments and then relearning the routine all over again with Steven these past few months, Greg liked to fancy that he could navigate the beast as well as any boardie from a small beach town could ever claim to. But even still, all the ample driving experience in the world was no match for what a car wreck could do to the flow of vehicles streaming down the neon lit highway.
Somewhere a little up above his van, there was a cacophony of sirens—red and blue and shrill and insistent. In the passenger seat, the pizzas he’d picked up nearly an hour ago were cooling, the rich, greasy smell of them sidling up to his shoulder temptingly. He thought about taking a bite because it was late and he was hungry, but ultimately decided against it.
Amethyst would never let him hear the end of it.
So he thought about the accident up ahead and hoped that no one had been seriously injured. (He had his doubts, though. There were so many sirens, wailing.) His van slowly crept forward as the cars ahead were painstakingly navigated around the ruins. People honked up and down the endless line because patience wasn’t Empire City’s strong suit; the big city, the golden apple, didn’t wait for anyone, least of all everyone, and sometimes, it felt like everyone in the world lived here, a population made of skyscrapers and cars and brilliant lights.
But thinking about the wreck didn’t entertain him for very long—his apologies to those affected—so he thought about the soulful tunes crooning through his staticky radio. Some R&B band from the eighties whose name just barely escaped him. They sung about love and loss and red Corvettes that shined beneath the hot, sticky sun. Greg’s thumbs slapped the wheel rhythmically to the melody, picking out the notes with an easiness that might have made old Marty proud on a good day.
But then the music suddenly shuddered off, the jockey apologizing for the inconvenience.
They’d try to get the station back up shortly.
The silence was unbearable.
So he popped in the closest CD, thinking it was his relaxing music compilation.
But nope.
It was death metal, the sudden explosion of the heavy bass and snare drums nearly sending his car veering into the next lane over as his hands jerked on the wheel.
“Wrong one!” He panted, chest heaving with feral panic. “Stop! Eject!”
And with a slap harder than intended, he punched the panel of buttons at random, the noise screeching to a stop, the CD comically popping out like toast from a toaster.
Ding.
And silence filled all the empty spaces once again.
In the silence, Greg had no choice but to think of Steven.
He took great gulps of air, his shoulders still shaking from the reverberations of the abruptly snuffed music, and could find no more distractions.
This was the end of the road on an endless road of snailing cars.
His hands clenched painfully around the wheel, the images revving across his mind’s eye—unbidden, quick, ugly, and unwanted.
His son.
His only son.
Laying in that hospital bed.
Dying.
Was this all life had to offer? He wondered to himself, and in the place of noise, there was emotion; there was sadness and horror and anger roaring up the column of his throat.
Rising.
Leaking.
Dripping.
Down his ruddy cheeks and into his beard.
Down his throat.
Draining.
Loving people who were gonna always leave him in the end? Finding home only for it to immediately forsake him? Maybe old Andy had had it right, always up there in that great, blue oasis of sky—never touching the ground long enough for people to find him and love him and hurt him.
Maybe there was something to the idea of giving up.
But no.
“Stop that,” Greg scolded himself harshly. “Stop.”
He’d spent his entire teen years running away from his folks and all their shiny expectations, so he was done running away. He had told himself that the moment he kicked Marty outta his van and turned it back around to Beach City and its sprawling sands—to the little oceanside town and the big woman with pink hair.
Right then and there, he’d been ready to accept the consequences of his actions.
The starchild had grown into a man.
And that meant staying the course, no looking back or skywards, no regrets or what-could-have-beens.
For Steven Universe, he would stay until the end… no matter what that end happened to be.
That was responsibility.
And that, above all, was love.
Love was solidity, and it was thereness, and it was warmth.
It was patience, and it was risk that never quite guaranteed reward.
Love was staying.
Even when things got tough, and maybe especially when they did.
(Stay, he'd pleaded with Rose when Dr. Howard turned the ventilator off. He had held her hand. He didn't want her to be alone.)
(Please, he begged as the lines that measured the beating of her heart began to falter and fade away.)
His bushy brow furrowed in quiet sympathy as he finally maneuvered around the scene of the accident, going slowly as a traffic officer signaled him on with a hand and a whistle. He saw the carnage out of the corner of his eye, all twisted metal and climbing smoke. What looked like a Nissan had plowed right into the back of a fancy lookin’ black town car, not unlike the one which had brought Blue Diamond to the hospital earlier…
His heart lurched.
But then he thought about it.
He considered.
Nah.
Couldn’t be her.
From what he understood, her high rise was somewhere past the hospital.
8:54PM:
“Pearl, go home before I tell Gunga on you,” Kiki teased, but all the same, there was concern in her voice, a hint of seriousness that didn’t quite mark her playful threat as simply playful. It flashed in the depths of her warm, brown eyes. And it brushed against Pearl’s shoulder with a gentleness she had come to expect from the younger Pizza sister.
The two of them were both working behind the bar of Fish Stew Cuisine tonight, the restaurant Kiki’s father and grandmother owned. It used to be just a casual place for locals—then called Fish Stew Pizza—but with time, effort, and a considerable amount of increased tourism when vacationers realized that there was a lovely beach here to visit and trash, it had expanded into one of Beach City’s finest restaurants.
It was a slow night, though, rain coming down in heavy sheets outside the tall, glass windows.
At this late hour, only a few diners remained, casually enjoying their dinners to the rhythmic tattoo of the storm—mostly regulars, people who understood that through rain, hail, sleet, or snow, Fish Stew would always be here for patient guests, arms open wide and plates steaming with good food. The amber light strewn from the dusky lamps made the place feel warm, as though it was full of quiet fire, flickering in so many overhanging hearths.
Pearl swiped persistently at a stain on the glass she was cleaning.
She’d been working on it for five minutes now in the absence of a new customer to tend to.
“I can’t just leave,” she returned exasperatedly, still scrubbing away at the mark. She was starting to think that it was yet another lost cause.
(She seemed to have a penchant for those lately.)
“I promised to work until closing.”
And I have to.
There are bills to pay and possible surgeries to fund.
But she didn’t say this part aloud; she didn’t want to put that weight on a seventeen-year old who meant well.
“Girl, closing isn’t ’til eleven, and you’ve been here since two,” Jenny Pizza laughed, glancing up from her phone long enough to do so. She was Kiki’s older sister and a bit of a rebel to the boot. Though she was technically on the clock, too, she had been sitting on the other side of the bar for the past half hour now, sending something she called “snaps” to her friends. These “snaps” often involved her making funny faces at her camera, ninety percent of these compelling her to poke her lips out. “Go home, and get some shut eye. Seriously.”
“Seriously,” Kiki parroted, snatching the glass from out of Pearl’s hands when she wasn’t looking.
With a certain primness, she chunked it into the nearest recycling bin as the bell on the door pealed, signaling an incoming customer.
“Kiki!”
“The new ones are coming in next week anyway,” the girl only replied with a shrug of mischievous shoulder. “Now, Pearl, go the eff home. We got this. Right, Jenny?”
“Mhm.” Jenny made a vague noise of agreement without looking up again. “Yeah, you’ve got this, Kiki. Get it.”
“Well,” Kiki only rolled her eyes, “I’ve got this anyway.”
Two massive arms, both scarred and tattooed, slammed down on the countertop then, and Pearl’s mouth immediately twitched into a smile to see that it was none other than Bismuth, a local construction worker for the city and a fellow Crystal Gem. Her spectacularly colorful dreads were thrown upwards into a haphazard ponytail, and her mouth was wide with one of those trademark Bismuth smiles, all lopsided, shining with white teeth.
“Pearl,” she scolded in that wry way of hers, “are you givin’ these pretty ladies trouble again?”
“Yesssssss,” Kiki replied, already starting on the woman’s usual order. (Jerk chicken and eggs.) “Homegirl won’t go home even though she’s been here all day. Just look at her.” The teenager gestured vaguely at Pearl’s body. “She looks dead on her feet.”
“You’re being incredibly rude tonight, you know,” Pearl huffed, unable to resist the urge to glance down. There was an unidentifiable stain on the collar of her shirt.
She hated unidentifiable stains on the collars of her shirts.
“It’s for your own good,” she replied sagely, turning away as her saucepan began to sizzle on the stove. With Jenny also occupied, Pearl was left to the mercy of Bismuth, who’d always had a way of seeing through her, down to her deepest core.
Nothing escaped those dark eyes of hers, not a tool, not a loose screw, not the quiet, aching sadnesses of a friend. With a self-assuredness that Pearl had always lacked and a gentleness that she had always loved, her old companion reached across the bar and placed a calloused palm atop of the pale ridges of Pearl’s knuckles, covering them completely.
“C’mere, sugar,” she said softly, “and tell me all about it.”
“It’s late,” Pearl whispered automatically, glancing away. She always had some excuse or another. “And you’ve been working. You must be tired.”
“Hell,” Bismuth snorted as Kiki pushed a soda towards her, “if I’m tired, then you must be exhausted. The kid’s right. You look it.”
“The kid’s always right,” Kiki chimed in knowingly before moving away again.
And so, as the breath of rain continued to hiss on the roof, Pearl drew up a stool and sat across the bar from Bismuth, her hand warm beneath the other’s surprisingly gentle touch.
And they talked.
Softly.
Pearl told her everything.
She told her about the cemetery and Steven and the tiny hibiscus flower that passed from his hand to that of Blue Diamond’s, watching as Bismuth’s expressive face twisted in the same sort of horror and disgust that she herself had been grappling with ever since the bathrobed woman had somehow made her way into the entanglement of their lives. And Pearl told her about the last trip to Empire City, how Steven had almost needed a blood transfusion, and how that almost had become their reality when he’d collapsed in the beach house, hitting those wooden slats with a thunk that still echoed in the hollows of her head.
“I yelled at Amethyst,” she whispered, horrified, trying to withdraw her hand from beneath Bismuth’s.
Bismuth’s grip only tightened.
“I said some horrible things.”
“We all say horrible things,” the woman only replied, looking down, ever so subtly glancing away. Fifteen years ago, she and Rose had had a falling out over how to protest Diamond Electric. They hadn’t made up before she died. “The fixin’ part is what matters.”
And so Pearl, swallowing hard in acceptance of this lived-through truth, went on and on until her voice was scratchy from the strain of it. She told Bismuth about how small Steven was in the hospital bed and how sickly. She told her, fingernails digging into the grains of the bar, about how Priyanka Maheswaran, who always had a solution, didn’t really have an answer. She told her about the IVs and the wires and the blood transfusions and the possibility of a feeding tube.
And she told her, without saying a word, that she was scared.
Admissions did not come easily to the woman, but they were written across the physiognomy of her entire body anyway.
The desperation leaked from her pale eyes.
And all the sleepless nights lined her pointed face.
And there was a stiffness in the way she held herself, so harshly, with studied discipline.
But by definition, discipline was necessarily repression, and repress, repress, repress was the motto and model by which Pearl lived her life. It was the lone vanguard which kept her from shattering to pieces on the floor—just another mess for Kiki to sweep up with the rest of the clutter.
It was her last defense against total dissolution.
When she had nothing, at least she could put a smile on her face and pretend otherwise.
“So it’s been a long week,” she smiled wearily at the end of this.
She smiled because the alternative was to fall apart.
"To say the least.”
But, again, that was the thing about Bismuth.
Nothing escaped those dark eyes of hers, not a tool, not a loose screw, not the quiet, aching sadnesses of a friend.
With that familiar self-assuredness, her old companion rose from her seat and walked around to the other side of the bar.
“Bismuth, wait, I—”
And then, without hesitating, she crushed Pearl into her strong arms.
The engineer smelled faintly of oil and flavored tobacco.
Peppermint.
Crisp and sharp.
“To say the least,” she only agreed as Pearl’s lower lip began to tremble.
Her arms were limp, useless, by her sides, hanging over the edges of the stool.
“I’m fine,” she tried. The word fell flat on her tongue. “Really.”
“I don't doubt that you are. I never would. But you don’t have to be, hon,” Bismuth replied softly, her breath kindling warm against her ear. “You work so hard… and you care so much… that it ain’t a crime to need some tender love n care, too. It ain't weakness to be kind to yourself, Pearl."
Pearl was frozen, statuesque, even as the world somehow continued to spin around her. Diners chatted, rain fell, and the eggs sizzled in their frying pan. Everything and everyone else had their place in this world.
She wasn’t sure where that left her and all the griefs she so tightly wrapped herself around—scars and still-bleeding wounds.
“How can I break,” she asked, her voice tight, “knowing he’s lying in that hospital bed? What right do I have to fall to pieces when what he’s fighting is a hundred times worse?”
Somehow, Bismuth had an answer to this, too; she seemed to always have an answer.
She rubbed gentle circles into Pearl’s back.
She didn't let go.
“Pain isn’t a competition, Pearl,” she admonished. “When you’re hurting, you’re hurting.”
There was a matter-of-factness to this statement, a sense of finality, and perhaps that was what did it in the end; the raw truth of it confronted her, and it scalded her, and it forced her to confess.
Pearl shattered, and Bismuth was there to scoop up all the pretty, broken pieces.
“It hurts all over,” she admitted as the tears wrenched themselves loose from her eyes.
“I know, sugar."
Outside the restaurant, the rain continued to beat its relentless dirge into the Boardwalk, the sky falling in shards and unholy music, all needle sharp notes.
If the crescendo screamed, it absolutely roared.
10:03PM:
Outside the window of Room 11037, night wrapped its velvety arms around a sky shivering with stars, and Garnet, attentive of every wire and tube, wrapped her warm arms around Steven as they laid in his hospital bed together, watching a late night re-run of Crying Breakfast Friends. This was the episode where Pear betrayed the stoic Spoon’s trust, and all the assorted breakfast people cried about it for a good seven minutes of the show’s eleven minute runtime.
For some odd reason, the animation on Spoon’s tears was exceptionally well done, the liquid fluidly running down the curvature of their face as they wailed incoherently.
“Wahhhhhhhhhh.”
(Not for the first time, Garnet absently wondered who had been paid to write this.)
Beneath her, Steven sniffed noisily, bringing up the less-encumbered of his hands to swipe tentatively at his nose; it was an awkward movement with the oxygen cannulas in the way.
“You’ve seen this one before,” Garnet teased softly, her voice landing somewhere in his dark hair. “Twice that I know of. It can’t be that sad anymore.”
She waited for a laugh and a witty retort—for a remarkably insightful analysis into why it was okay to cry over crying breakfast utensils—but one wasn’t forthcoming, even though the child’s shoulders were conspicuously shaking.
She looked down at him then, catching a sliver of his face in the light wash of the television; tears streamed silently from his eyes and down the sunken hollows of his face, down into the collar of his gown, down past the spiral of wires.
“Steven.” Garnet propped herself up with an abruptness that was almost violent, though when she cupped his face between her long fingers, her touch was exceedingly gentle. “What’s wrong?”
But Steven shook his head, burying it into the front of her sweatshirt as a low whine escaped past his anemic lips.
His chubby fingers twisted into the fabric next to her stomach.
“Steven!” Panic slipped up the rungs of her voice.
She looked around wildly her for the call button on the railing, but they were surrounded by so many tubes and blankets.
And it was dark.
And Steven was crying.
“Garnet,” he finally moaned, “my back hurts.”
It was a common symptom with his disease. Because the kidneys were located right below the ribcage, his upper back often spasmed when they were being particularly bothersome.
At home, they would give him medicine and press a heating pad to his spine, hoping against both hell and hope that the warmth would sooth the worst of the pain.
Here in the hospital, they could give him morphine.
They could even sedate him.
Make the pain go away for a few hours if that was mercy.
(Once, after a particularly bad attack that’d almost brought them to the hospital, Steven had described the pain like being stung by a jellyfish over and over again, as though its tentacles were wrapped around his torso, wringing him out all over.)
“I have to get a nurse,” she said automatically, her throat dry. He clung to her so tightly that she didn’t dare move an inch. On the TV, Spoon was still crying, their keening overwrought next to Steven, who cried so quietly these days that it was almost like he hated for anyone to hear.
“They’ll drug me?” He asked astutely, the sound muffled in her shirt.
“Yes.”
“It’d make me sleep.”
“Maybe... yes.” Garnet couldn’t see where he was going with this until his fingers tightened just a fraction more where they gripped her.
Her lips parted.
And there was silence.
And there was crying.
And there was understanding most of all. It scorched Garnet and simply ruined her.
“You don’t want to go to sleep.”
It was a statement, hoarsely dragged from her mouth.
She received a minimal head shake as her answer.
“You’re scared.”
And somehow, she knew the veracity of her words before he nodded his assent into her chest.
Steven was scared to fall asleep—afraid, maybe even terrified, that he wouldn’t wake up. The horror of it, the awfulness and the unfairness, and the cruelty of it rose up in Garnet’s chest like a tsunami, a fire, a hurricane, a storm.
Yet, she remained immobile.
She didn’t move.
What could she even say to that?
What was she supposed to say?
Words were insufficient.
(She couldn’t even reassure herself.)
The small TV screen suddenly faded to black as Crying Breakfast Friends ended, and the credits rolled, the show’s elegiac theme song playing softly in the background, all piano notes and somber violin strings.
It was a little easier, at least, when she couldn’t see his face.
“I’m scared, too,” she admitted.
It was only three words, but they exacted her, and they excavated her; heat clambered up her cheeks, settling somewhere behind her burning eyes.
Steven’s shoulders briefly stilled, though all the machines keeping him alive continued to whir on.
“Y-you are?”
“All the time.” Scared to touch him, scared to even look at him. Scared that one day, she would wake up and he would be gone, a shell finally reclaimed by its shore. Scared to leave this hospital room lest she miss a single moment, and scared to stay if that meant watching him go. Scared that they wouldn’t find him a kidney in time, and scared that if they did, they couldn’t afford it.
Garnet was a wreck, barely holding together.
She was Garnet.
She had to hold together anyway.
“And sometimes, Steven,” she whispered, hugging him to her chest as much as the tubing would allow, “that is what love is—being scared and moving forward anyway.”
Into the darkness, hand in hand.
Without the promise of safe return.
Her mothers had done it.
Rose Quartz had done it.
And the footprints they had left behind were big to fill, but Garnet didn’t have to fill them; she just had to follow their lead.
Steven was quiet for a couple more heartbeats still before he slowly withdrew his head from her chest to look up at her; he didn’t quite let go of her shirt; he took ragged, rasping breaths, his shoulders heaving to the rhythmic whirring of his heart monitor.
“You can call the nurse now.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
It was all she could manage.
“And, Garnet?”
“Yes, Steven?”
“I love you.”
10:45PM:
Cooling down after a long day of work was always struggle for Priyanka, whose mind was such that it was perpetually working ahead to the next day of work—all the patients she had to do rounds upon, all the charts she had to fill out, and all the procedures she had to meticulously prep for, spending as much time in the hospital’s library as she did the operating room.
If the table of her head wasn’t perpetually well-set, her thoughts surgically arranged on a porcelain plate, scalpels placed in descending order by size on the adjacent napkin, then the doctor felt unmoored from the trait which made her feel fundamentally herself.
Her precision—unerring, diligent, and unpretentious.
She checked and double-checked and was a better nephrologist for it. By the nature of the temperamental organ she was dealing with, her patient mortality rate was high, but no one, by the nature of her methodology, could say that it was because of human error.
She checked and double-checked, trying to quantify every conceivable possibility before they could make themselves known in the real world, and when she neglected to deconstruct a hypothetical, which was a rarity in and of itself, she would chastise herself for it both before and better than anyone else ever could.
Priyanka Maheswaran was a study in precision, never shirking away from the reward that often laid at the end of hard labor.
But what no one had ever told her was that a side effect of being precise was being so damn tired.
All the time.
She struggled to cool down, and she was exhausted. She desperately wanted to sleep, but her mind whirred and whirled and calculated and thought. The dichotomous interplay of these qualities led to her sipping hot tea in bed with a pinched expression on her face as her husband stretched out next to her, reading his tattered copy of Crime and Punishment and sometimes laughing aloud when a line struck him as funny.
“Ha,” he snorted after awhile of this before replacing his bookmark (an old grocery store receipt) in his new spot and closing the heavy tome. “I love Dostoevsky.”
Lips pressed to the rim of her nearly empty mug, Priyanka arched a sharp brow at him, smiling wryly.
Her husband was a dork.
“Should I be jealous, dear?”
“Naturally,” Doug returned, reaching over to place the book on his nightstand before turning back towards her. “Dostoevsky has it all. A great grasp on existentialism and a beard for days. He could tone it down on the heavy moralism, though.”
“That’s what you said about Tolstoy,” she reminded him with a tilt of her head. “Good beard, too much sermonizing.”
“It’s a running theme,” her husband admitted sadly, and then, catching each other’s eye, the two Maheswarans suddenly laughed, the sounds loud in the otherwise quiet room.
It was moments like these, after nearly seventeen years together, that kept them going strong. They loved each other, and they liked each other, and they especially liked to make each other laugh.
Even if it was about something as specific as Russian literature titans.
And maybe especially if it was about something as specific as Russian literature titans.
“We’re going to wake our daughter up,” Priyanka finally said, setting her mug down on her own nightstand. In the lamplight, the dark ceramic gleamed. Her phone, sitting next to it, showed that she had a new message from one of the surgical interns she was training.
She’d open it in a minute.
Knowing the group of fools she’d gotten this year, whoever it was had probably stabbed themselves with a syringe.
(Again.)
“It’s never too early for Connie to have an opinion on old Russian men,” Doug chuckled, but he, too, was settling down as the heaviness of night began to sweep across them both.
He sighed fondly and took her hand then, intertwining their fingers on top of the blankets.
Priyanka wasn’t much of a touchy-feely person, but her husband absolutely was, and she knew, from all the coagulated years of having been married to him, that this simple gesture was about being close to her, about reacquainting himself to her presence.
So she didn’t let go.
Instead, she squeezed once, resting her head against the backboard of their bed and closing her eyes for the first time in what felt like days. The darkness was nice and inviting, blanketing her head like a cozy throw.
It was just all the thoughts, buzzing like bees at the velvety, black edges, that made it so unbearable.
Patients, charts, and procedures.
And Steven Universe most of all.
She worried for him constantly now that he was in the hospital; she carried his sunken face with her everywhere that she went; he made her half-sick.
He forced her to become undone.
Caring.
It did something to her.
“You look tired, honey,” Doug said softly. “Shall we put a nightcap on the evening?”
Priyanka opened her eyes again and nodded ever so briskly. She tucked a strand of black hair behind her ear and let out a small, exacting sigh.
“I think that’d be in order,” she agreed, and it was a sign of her exhaustion that she acquiesced so easily. Usually, he had to plead with her to close down shop for the night.
These weren’t usual times.
Without letting go of her hand, her husband twisted away and turned the latch of his lamp with a click, thrusting half of the room into darkness.
And she was about to do the same when the rectangular light of her phone caught her attention again.
Instead of just one message from her intern—a perky blonde named Dr. Stephens—now she had eight of them in total and a missed call.
The doctor always put her phone on silent when she drank her nightly tea so she didn’t have to be a doctor for fifteen minutes.
She could simply be Priyanka.
Her stomach clenched.
An influx of messages was never a good thing; her mind raced ahead of her; it anticipated the worst.
“Hon?”
Doug’s questioning concern pressed against her side, and Priyanka found herself clenching his hand all the tighter as she used her free one to pick up the phone, unlocking it with a quick swipe and clicking the message app with a suddenness that was brutal.
Monday, 10:57PM:
Dr. Stephens: DR. MAHESWARAN!!!!!
Dr. Stephens: UNOS JUST CALLED.
Dr. Stephens: WE HAVE A KIDNEY FOR STEVEN UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dr. Stephens: Car crash on the lower East Side. The donor is brain dead, but all their other organs are viable.
Dr. Stephens: And they’re a match for Steven.
Dr. Stephens: Seriously. I’ve checked and double-checked.
Dr. Stephens: This is our person.
Dr. Stephens: The surgeon at Empire Gen’s gonna perform the harvest procedure tomorrow morning at 10AM, and I told them you’d be there.
In the half-darkness of her room, Priyanka held that phone aloft like it was priceless gold and let out a breath she had been holding for a very long time. Her shoulders heaved with the sensation of it, the feeling, the emotion.
When a Gem is made, it's for a reason. They burst out of the ground already knowing what they're supposed to be, and then... that's what they are. Forever. But you, you're supposed to change. You're never the same even moment to moment; you're allowed and expected to invent who you are. What an incredible power, the ability to "grow up."
When Rose emerged as Pink Diamond, it’s true that she was expected to be a leader, but because of her position in the hierarchy of the Diamond Authority—the lowest, the youngest, and the most inexperienced—she would never be given equal stature to the rest of the Diamonds, which is reflected in what we know of her relationships with them.
She’s often told no, and she’s pushed aside, and she’s locked up in a tower when she misbehaves. She’s infantilized as much as a gem can be infantilized by the contradictory nature of her own alienness.
And so, the friction of Pink Diamond comes at the intersection between who she’s supposed to be (leader, shining goddess) and the way that her fellow Diamonds view and outwardly treat her. Her inherent purpose embeds her with the same sense of entitlement to power that the other three have, but as is true of Steven, Pink’s relationship with herself is negotiated in the space of the other beings around her.
The Diamonds treat her as a “child,” so she acts like a “child.” And because of the supposed immutable nature of gems, this is the same pattern that the four of them thread for thousands of years until the very day Pink is finally bequeathed her own colony. And because that colony is Earth, and because it is replete with humans, who have the capacity to change and grow, Pink falls in love.
She becomes Rose; she reinvents herself.
But here, in the span of just a couple of few lines, she betrays something about herself that is so achingly vulnerable in hindsight. Rose could very easily talk about how she has learned to change. Indeed, she could claim that being on Earth for so many thousands of years has wrought undeniable growth in her... but she doesn’t in what I think is the crux of her character, never outwardly admitted but implied in both her subtle monologues and her actions.
Fundamentally, she doesn’t think she has changed; indeed, she doesn’t think she has the capacity to grow. For all of her transformation, Rose Quartz looks inwards and feels a stasis that she doesn’t know how to properly close.
This tension ultimately leads us to Steven, who is the epitome of change, who changes with every passing episode, who changes the lives of the people and Gems around him—from Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl to even the Diamonds, who are supposed to be the most inflexible of them all.
It is so lovely, this thesis of this show, and so remarkable.
Anyone can change.
Anyone can learn to become something and someone new.
But it’s a bittersweet premise, too, hinged on the philosophies and actions of a Gem who never got to see the premise effected in herself, though she so desperately wanted to.
The animation is absolutely insane. There’s this one shot where Stevonnie drifts for the first time that’s so fluid, I gasped.
Kevin’s particular brand of awfulness is still a joy to hate and behold. The way he tried to play on Stevonnie’s (and therefore, the viewer’s) sympathies was a masterclass in psychological manipulation. On a narrative level, he toys with Stevonnie’s deep empathy, but at a meta level, the writers irreverently subvert a long held trope of SU characters. The pains of their pasts inform who they are in the present. Kevin’s past isn’t painful (that we know of); he’s just a teenage ass.
And finally, the lesson that Steven and Connie learn is just wonderful for this show. It’s unhealthy to let anger consume you and your closest relationships, and the only remedy for this kind of obsession is ultimately letting go. Wow.
Summary: On the 6,242nd anniversary of Pink Diamond's shattering—nearly a year after the Diamonds discovered the existence of Steven—Yellow Diamond, as she always does, searches for Blue. Pre-movie.
Note: It has been far too long since I've written Bellow Diamond, and I've needed this very story lately—something about allowing yourself to feel your emotions while also continuing to move forward.
AO3
—
It is with a studied rhythm that Homeworld’s twin suns pull each other up through the darkness, blanketing the sky in a soft pink glow as they ascend, going slowly, all gentleness. Yellow Diamond watches the familiar spectacle from her latticed window, hand beneath her chin, mind elsewhere as the fractured light glances off the angular planes of her face.
To a being who has lived ten thousands of years upon years, the emergence and passing of a new cycle is but a blink of the eye, a meaningless unit in the long linearity of her given lifetime. And yet, as she has learned so viscerally in even just the past six thousand years alone, the surest, and perhaps only way to measure time is to judge it by the movements of the other gems around her.
And by other gems, she means Blue Diamond.
For she always means Blue.
Her strength, her weakness, her light, her darkness, her partner, her monomaniac fixation, her fellow goddess, her friend.
(The dichotomies and multitudes of their relationship have always stunned Yellow Diamond at best and scared her at worst.)
For six thousand years, she scheduled her entire existence around knowing exactly where the other matriarch was at all times. In-between court sessions and trials and all of the various other councils Yellow convened alone, she sent Pearls to inform her of where Blue Diamond was and what exactly she was doing. The trail of her mourning was as readily available to her as reports on potassium deposits in faraway colonies.
She learned, intimately, that Blue rotated between haunts every so often like an organic beast migrating between seasons. Each spatial relic of Pink Diamond’s past were but pastures to graze in prolonged misery.
Against her own volition, Yellow came to understand that some cycles, by the sheer fact of what they once were, were harder for Blue Diamond than others.
The anniversary of Pink’s emergence into the world.
The day they decided to bequeath her her own colony.
The remembrance, the haunting, the sadistic exhibition of her shattering.
Before they laid eyes on what they had thought to be her shards, the Diamonds had never truly known pain, the sharp dimensions of it, the astonishing depths.
When Blue Diamond’s screams rent the air for the first time, the entire Earth seemed to scream with her, wailing an unholy, feral song to which the three deities did not know the lyrics, though they sang along anyway. With their hands outstretched towards the colony Pink Diamond had once called home, they tried to fill in the melody the best that they could.
And they corrupted hundreds upon hundreds of gems.
And they shattered thousands more.
Because they had never lost anything before then.
And they wanted to make someone else and everything else feel the extent of their loss, too.
It is not an excuse.
A justification either.
It is only history, raw and unsanitized.
Yellow Diamond abruptly closes her eyes against the rosy sunrise as though stung, her fingers spidering against her tall nose.
Today would have been the 6,242nd anniversary of the shattering.
Nearly a year ago, they learned that everything they had ever assumed about their beloved Pink Diamond was a lie—including this very date.
Still, the old memories come unbidden—the shards, the terror, the ungodly screaming.
And yet, the familiar is now tempered by the newer sensations that have surfaced to foreign planes in her mind ever since she has met, loved, and wanted to do better for Steven Universe: the guilt, the helplessness, the fragility of everything, of it all.
When Yellow Diamond snaps her eyes open again, the images still burn the backs of her retinas, and it all comes together in one jangling, dissonant, clashing symphony—lights and noises, echoes and pale ghosts: the shards, the guilt, the terror, the helplessness, the ungodly screaming, the fragility of everything, of it all.
She is naked.
Fifty foot tall, the fragments of thousands of gems all over her hands, she is exposed.
With a violence that startles Pearl—who’d been running algorithms on her screens—Yellow stands up from her alcove, stretching her long limbs extensively, as though trying to excise something out along with the stiffness, too.
“Sorry,” she says gruffly, glancing away. (She’s working on it—she is—but apologies still don’t come easily to the matriarch.) “Just have somewhere I need to be.”
With a few quick taps of a nearby panel, Pearl pulls up and enlarges a video feed of the throne room. A snatch of heavy blue fabric dragging against the floor is all she needs to see.
“... that wouldn’t happen to be the throne room, my—I mean, your—um, Yellow Diamond, would it?” (Pearl is working on it—she is—but thousands of years of ingrained slavery are hard to completely forget, too.)
Relief mixed with gratitude mixed with awkwardness darkens the gold around Yellow Diamond’s sharp cheekbones.
“Thank you, Pearl.”
A similar blush scribbles itself across the bridge of the smaller gem’s nose.
“Of course.”
(They’re both working on it—they are—Diamond and Pearl alike, trying to figure out what it means to be companions in Era Three. Equals. Maybe one day, friends, if such an unstudied phenomenon can happen between them after all these unchanging cycles of mastery and slavery.)
(But she wonders to herself—she wonders this every day—is there grace enough in this universe for the Diamonds?)
(Is there such a thing as absolution and reprieve?)
Brow furrowed above her eyes, Yellow finally sweeps out of her chamber, heels clicking reliably against the marble veined floor.
(She doesn’t know.)
(She isn’t sure she wants to know.)
The passage between her chamber and the throne room is a covered bridge, the path intricately laid, sunlight slanting through the arches and onto her handsome armor in patches.
She doesn’t stop to look below—doesn’t have time to spare even though she has all the time in the world—but even as she walks, she can hear all the many ways that Homeworld is changing, the echoes of the reforming city drifting up to the palace like sacrificial smoke. There is the humdrum of communication—talking and conversing, snatches of loud laughter. And there is the steady thrum of ship traffic zooming through the brightening sky.
She knows, without looking, that there are flashing colors and newly constructed infrastructures. Councils are being formed, the judicial system overhauled independently of the Diamonds' oversight. Representatives for the various Gem types are elected fairly and democratically. An economy based on rare rocks—locally sourced from Homeworld’s own Kindergarten—is slowly but surely being constructed by business minded Peridots. Gems from all eras and cuts and cabochons are cohabiting side by side, communing and learning to coexist without prejudice and fear.
Their world, for the first time in millions of cycles, is evolving.
For good and for the best.
With a pang that tightens her diamond as she finally approaches the intricately carved double doors leading into the throne room, Yellow Diamond wonders what it means that she is falling into the same pattern she has threaded year after year for 6,242 years.
Do Diamonds ever change their facets?
Or are their hardnesses immutable, unchanging?
(She wonders—she wonders this every day—if one day the universe will pronounce judgment on the three of them for their crimes against Gemkind?)
(Will doing better be enough to lighten the sentence?)
(Is doing better the same as being better?)
She curls her fingers tightly around one of the quartz handles and pulls outwards, her nerves suddenly electrified as the square of light from the door slowly pools into the throne room and across the floor, inching and seeping until it touches the hem of a heavy, dark robe.
“Yellow.” Blue Diamond looks up, awed. “You remembered.”
As has been the Diamonds' shared habit lately, she's kneeling in front of the warp pad, cerulean fingers neatly templed on her lap, her posture reminiscent of the weeping statues in the Saturnal Spire, many of them immortalized in prostration. Yellow can see the traces of wetness beneath her grooved eyes, a telltale and familiar sign of what has already passed and what is yet to come.
“Did you think I would forget?” She asks, immediately loathing that the question sounds so vulnerable and needy, as though she’s dependent—and maybe she is—on a negative answer.
“Truthfully?”
“Yes”—she interjects impatiently—“I always want to know your truth.”
But, to Yellow’s surprise, Blue laughs quietly, the edges of her plump, blue lifted along the contours of her smile.
“Stars above, you still never wait for someone to finish their thought, do you?”
“I didn’t intend to interrupt! I just—“
“Yes, I know, Yellow. Come.” Blue Diamond extricates her hands from one another and pats the empty space next to her. “Be with me, please.”
It is an irresistible request, an invitation that Yellow could never refuse (though she has never fully tried). With a few, stiff strides, she join the other matriarch on the floor, sitting crosslegged, even as her armored spine is ramrod straight.
Appropriately chastised, her cheeks are dark with golden flush.
“Are you happy now?” Yellow mutters beneath her breath.
“Yes,” comes the quiet reply that very nearly paralyzes her. Perhaps realizing this, Blue Diamond extends the same hand she used to gesture towards the floor and places the tips of her fingertips on the spines of Yellow’s gloved knuckles. “I am…. in my own small way—happy and also undeniably sad. It is a curious contradiction.”
“Oh,” Yellow Diamond can only say, swallowing hard.
“Oh,” Blue Diamond agrees, leaning—softly, very gently—against her, so that their shoulders touch. Her silvery hair falls to the side at the movement, the light from above crowning her head in liquid amber.
In gold.
“I didn’t wish to be alone today,” she admits, frowning, “but for the last six thousand and sundry years, you have unfailingly ensured that I never was alone on this date... even when I thought that I wanted to be, even all the times I pushed you away.”
Yellow‘s breath hitches, shallow of air.
They’ve scarcely talked so openly before, even now, and perhaps especially now that the Diamonds are trying their damnedest to amend the wrongs of their pasts.
Even beyond that, intimacy is hard.
Indeed, it is one of the few lessons that the resilient general has yet to master for all of her focus and control.
She still doesn’t have all the steps in order yet... if there are even quantifiable steps to intimacy at all.
“You pushed me away often,” she finally says, and try though she does, she can’t quite keep an accusatory tone out of her voice.
(Even if the Diamonds don’t wear their wounds, that doesn’t mean they were never inflicted.)
“I know,” Blue confesses, closing her eyes tightly against what Yellow knows to be a deluge of memories. “I knew all along most likely. I wanted to hurt you as were hurting me. If I could make you feel even a fraction of the misery that I did... if I could make any gems who crossed my path understand... I was quick, injudiciously so, to do as much.”
The matriarch is precise when it comes to identifying and analyzing her own emotions—incisive—another ability which Yellow never quite learned in thousands of millennia.
“We don’t have to talk about this now,” she says quickly, “if it’s too much.”
(It's always too much for Yellow.)
“But I want to.” Blue abruptly opens her eyes, and Yellow is startled to see that they’ve hardened, her expression pinched. “I mean, I suppose I need to... for there is this feeling in my chest, Yellow. It pulses in my very diamond and has expanded with each passing second that I have been up today. And I want to get rid of it—I must.”
Her fingers tense where they rest upon her hand, and the space between palm and knuckles, blue and gold, is electric with energy, pulsating.
The column of Yellow Diamond’s throat is thick, sticky with feeling.
“I have a feeling, too,” she admits, her voice surly. “When I awoke... and recalled what day it was... I couldn’t shake it.”
Blue’s eyes are wide and tired, weary with six thousand cycles of mourning. The carnage is pooled all over her face. It scarred both of them. It nearly maddened White.
“Name it, Yellow,” she whispers, and it is almost a supplication, desperate and reverent on the Diamond’s lilting tongue. “Please.”
What is there to do but comply?
What stands between her and a handful of words except her own sheathe of an ego of a personality?
Yellow Diamond flinches before she ever opens her mouth, half-hating and entirely fearing what she is about to make their reality.
“I miss her, Blue.”
“And?” Because Blue Diamond knows—she always seems to know—when her sentences are unfinished, when words remain unspoken.
Yellow’s eyes burn, the leakage threatening to spill out.
“And I feel guilty about it, for missing her now… after what we did to her... after what we have done to so many other gems.”
To ourselves, too.
To each other.
More unspoken aches, though the merciful Blue Diamond is kind enough not to call her out on them.
A single tear glances down her long, oval face, collecting calmly on the point of her chin.
“How can we be moving on,” Yellow continues, wiping roughly at her eyes with her other hand, “if we are here again? The same place we have been every year for the last six thousand years? On the floor, broken. Our world is turning, Blue! Evolving! Transforming! Do we not revolve with it?”
If this is the pattern and the routine to which they inevitably return, does this not mean that they will one day become stagnations and calcifications?
Monuments and monoliths to their own shattered pasts?
What is all their progress, their actions and their actions and their atonements and their actions, if they cannot ever abstain from this vicious ceremony?
Will they still be here, six thousand years more from now, missing a gem who will never come home to them again?
Will there never not be a day when a rosy, pink sky doesn’t evoke her name on their tongues?
Pink Diamond.
She used to sing flowers into full bloom.
When Blue isn’t immediately forthcoming with an answer—her dark lips parted slightly in silence—for the first time in the entirety of her existence, Yellow feels no triumph in being right.
There is no pleasure in the conception and epiphany of their eternal damnation.
There is only acceptance, she thinks, glancing down at the warp pad, dull and empty.
(Steven hasn’t visited in twenty-one cycles now.)
Stoic and unceasing resignation.
“Yellow Diamond...” A tall hand cups her chin gently and draws the general’s gaze upwards until all the goddess sees is blue. Her eyes. Her complexion. Her alice blue hair. Her lips. Blue Diamond looks at her all over, and there is an ancient sadness engraved in all the geometric lines of her face. “Do you really believe that multiple things cannot be true at the same time?”
“I—“
“No,” Blue cuts her off firmly. “Let me finish, please. We have done horrible things, and we are trying, every day, to do better. We hurt Pink immeasurably... and we are hurt—stars, we will be devastated—by her loss forever. Those sentiments are not mutually exclusive.” Blue’s voice hitches, her warm breath so close that Yellow can feel it on her skin. “They can’t be... or else, what do we have to look forward to for the next thousands of years of our lifetimes? How can we deal with the enormities of our lives if we do not allow our lives to be enormous—both an exemplar and a testament to complexity?”
Yellow stares at her companion incredulously, wanting to believe in the grandiosity of their existences (again) but not quite daring to (as she had once so easily done before).
Dichotomies and multitudes and holistic systems of so many moving, working parts—Yellow Diamond, for all of her intelligence and logic and ratios and statistics, does not know how to compute them. Her morality has always been a straight line that favors extremes, tilting like an unbalanced scale, from one weighted end to the other.
“But you feel it, too,” she argues hoarsely. “You have a feeling in your chest as well.”
Her gaze unwittingly travels down to Blue’s gem, gleaming brightly against her cerulean complexion.
But the other Diamond, fingertips still captured beneath her chin, doesn’t allow the moment to linger, insisting, with a gentle nudge, that Yellow Diamond holds her head up high.
“And so this just means we have a final pair of questions to ask ourselves, yes?” Blue smiles lightly, all tenderness and sadness, all warmth and terrible grief.
Dichotomies and multitudes.
They stun Yellow Diamond, and they perplex her, and they frustrate her to no conceivable end.
Even now, she isn’t sure that she’s following, and yet, as the two of them sit here—linked by touch and millennia and memories—she knows, without ever being able to articulate the sentiment into words that would matter or make sense, she would follow this gem to the ends of their world, conceivable or otherwise.
“What do we do with this feeling now that we have it?" Blue’s smile only deepens, becoming more felt, arctic eyes melting. "And how do we make sure it doesn’t go to waste?”
Her face shines in the brilliance of the warp pad’s newly glowing light.
“Today,” she says, “we allow ourselves to feel the pain of losing Pink... and we play with Steven Universe... and we not only love him, but show him that we do.”
“And tomorrow?” Yellow dares to ask.
A concentrated beam whooshes downwards from the ceiling of the palatial hall.
“Tomorrow”—Blue Diamond squeezes her hand—“we can move forward again... hand in hand.”
There are colonies to continue dismantling and long corroded infrastructure to repair. Homeworld’s grid system needs to be replotted, and a Kindergarten on Iphigenia would be a meaningful location to repurpose as an organic life conservation facility. Transportation services between Homeworld and Earth are still being configured, especially given Earth’s less than spaceship friendly atmospheres and surfaces. Former gem experiments require a delicate unraveling and a reckoning both for Yellow Diamond who ordered them to be carried out in the first place. Blue and White and Yellow Diamond alike, all three of them in harmonious union and sync for the first time in thousands of years, want to build a memorial spire in Sector 9 for the Rose Quartzes to inhabit if they should so choose—a place of rest and healing, circled all throughout with restorative waters.
“I... like the sound of that.”
The tentative beginnings of hope creep into her low voice.
“I thought you would,” Blue teases as particulate matter and atoms and long reclaimed stardust begin to arrange themselves into the boy named Steven Universe.
Something I’ve really appreciated about the Beach City boardie episodes on my rewatch is how often times, they’re hella clever parallels to themes happening on the Gem side of things.
Jamie says this of Mayor Dewey’s polished and idealistic script about William Dewey, his great-great-great-great grandfather and founder of Beach City: “How can a guy have no faults? To be human is to be flawed. A real hero must struggle!”
And it’s a sentiment that definitely speaks to the ongoing arc about Pearl struggling with her own mistake when it comes to Garnet.
But in a more overarching sense, I think Jamie’s unwittingly talking about Rose Quartz above all. At this point of the show, she’s still a pretty darn “flawless” character—elusive and idealized—literally looming over Steven and all the gems in the form of a serenely smiling portrait.
The show isn’t ready to unravel this perfect mythos yet, but one day very soon, it will.
Part 58/181 of Facets. || 2x07, “Rising Tides, Crashing Skies”
“Pearl?”
“Yes?”
“How did you guys choose this place to be your home?”
In Ronaldo’s documentary, she’d said something about them having been here long before Beach City, and Steven’s never known a world without Beach City.
It’s weird to think about.
Unimaginable and abstract.
“Oh, excellent question, Steven.”
Pearl temples her fingers delicately beneath her chin.
“Your mother... she fell in love with the ocean, its hugeness and its openness, how it rose and fell in changing undulations.”
A sigh, soft and fond.
“It was beautiful and different… it reminded her of what she left our Homeworld to protect.”
