i. i never know how to talk about the thing i've watched or read
ii. names and titles never stick
iii. even if i feel i've understood a thing, i won't be able to lay out the issue in paraphrase
iv. i just wish i could give context to everything i say cause otherwise it comes out different than intented
v. like what did i just say? i didn't mean that at all
vi. but also when i want to explain anything i get all jumbled and brain heavy and doubting that i had any understanding of a thing in the first place
vii. so i end up feeling like-not-enough and generally lacking
viii. and wonder where all those things, ideas, vibes that i spend so much time taking in go
ix. is it just an issue of not focusing hard enough ?not asking questions right away?
x. how do i change this, help
BUT ALSO
a whole nother issue is that i sometimes find some calming "truth" and then forget it and have a real mindfuck when i come across it again
like, i already had this figured out?
why did it go?
HOW?