Even though i said in my last post that I am feeling better now, i still caught myself this night lying awake here in South Korea. Staring at the ceiling and wondering what I’m actually doing with my life.
I really thought things would feel easier by now. more familiar. more okay. and in some ways they are. Korea doesn’t feel as overwhelming as it did in the beginning, but the loneliness still sneaks up on me when everything goes quiet. that kind of loneliness where your thoughts get too loud and suddenly you’re questioning every decision you’ve ever made.
especially with my career. Don't get me wrong I love my job, i worked hard for it and my degree in Biotechnology.
I still catch myself wondering if the path I chose was the right one. if I pushed myself in the right direction or just… pushed myself too far. and at the same time, I know that struggling like this is kind of normal. that life isn’t meant to feel good and stable all the time. that most of us are just getting through bad days in the hope of a better week, a better month, a better version of ourselves somewhere down the line.
but even when you know it’s “just a phase,” it still hurts. it still pulls your mood down. knowing doesn’t magically make it lighter.
something I don’t talk about much is how different I am in real life compared to what I show online. I’m not loud or confident. I’m shy. introverted. really bad with new people. so being far away from home, having to connect, speak up, stand in front of people and act like some sort of authority figure… yeah. nightmare fuel for me.
and yet, I still do it. every damn time.
sometimes I don’t even know why.
is it because I want to change myself?
because I don’t want to miss out on this experience?
or am I just incredibly stubborn?
maybe it’s a mix of all three.
I don’t have a big conclusion or a lesson here. I think I just wanted to be honest. to say that even when things look exciting or “better” from the outside, it’s okay if you’re still struggling on the inside. we’re all kind of making it up as we go.
Sorry for my brain dumb, but i felt like I needed to let my late night thoughts out somewhere.
on a happier note though. I really would love to connect more. and if anyone happens to have cute Jongho fics… please. I am desperately in need of them right now 🥺🤍
thank you for listening. and sorry for spelling issues, i just wanted to keep it real and didnt proof read this.
