#misc: chats

[lunar-dancing]

hikari: he was right. i hate that he was right.

me: about what in particular?

hikari: all of it. or most of it anyway. especially about blue. god, i feel so stupid, but what if it's true? what if it doesn't get any better than blue and i? what if he's the love of my life, and we can't find a way to be together?

me: you need to breathe. it was a rough night and working yourself up about blue right now isn't really productive.

hikari: if i think about him, i don't have time to think about anything else.

me: did you cover the mirrors already?

hikari: yeah.

[lunar-dancing]

me: are you sure you're ready to do this?

hikari: That's the problem. I'm never really going to be ready, am I? Brendan was right--I just have to do it.

me: what exactly are you hoping to gain from this?

hikari: Peace of mind. I know that I have to go back for my own sake. I'm tired of running--and just tired.

[lunar-dancing]

hikari: i'd just like to say that i don't appreciate you doing this to me for the sake of your own self-indulgence!

me: shut up or i will bring out the old chat posts of you fawning over the man

hikari: OKAY, LISTEN--

me: the ONLY reason we're having this fourth wall conversation is because it yanks the moral high ground right out from under your feet and you can't STAND to think that you're not actually an angel all the time. which, newsflash: you're absolutely not!

hikari: i don't want him to hate me.

me: would you have done it any differently if we had established this real-time and not in retrospect? would you have honestly looked him in the eyes that night and been honest?

hikari: ...

me: that's what i thought! congratulations, you now have the world's previously most eligible bachelor in your little black book. 2014 you is having the time of her life. now YOU need to stop looking back, and start focusing on what's ahead of you. because you're in for a VERY interesting time.

[lunar-dancing]

me: you're being awfully quiet

hikari: it's not cataclysmic or anything. it hurts... a lot. but i knew, you know? as soon as he told me i knew. we both did and we were just pretending and i don't regret that. our last memories together are good ones.

me: i'm... glad?

hikari: the real kicker is that it isn't isolated, you know? kouki is staying, too. and... our lives got connected. barry and kouki like him. lisia likes him. my parents like him. and i mean, i love daisy? and the professor? and--and i want to be with priscilla right now but if i keep her i don't think i can move on?

me: you think it'll be any different for him?

hikari: i don't know. maybe. there's a part of me that doesn't want him to and i know that's selfish and wrong.

me: "if you love something, let it go".

hikari: i love him a lot.

[lunar-dancing]

hikari: you know, i ask myself some really important questions sometimes!

me: like what?

hikari: like what if erika fucked off?

me: CHILL! you INFANT of a girl!

[lunar-dancing]

hikari: can we talk about how i'm in the middle of a traumatic stress episode and blue is trying to put an expiration date on our relationship WHILE WE ARE ON VACATION

me: i'm too tired for this right now. you're too tired for this right now. PLEASE

hikari: i AM too tired for this right now! i am DEFINITELY too tired to be worrying about a possible impending break up with the person i love while relapsing into childhood trauma!

me: i need you to take a nap and calm down and please stop crying it's really upsetting

hikari: taking a nap would be EXCELLENT if i could actually fall asleep and not just get caught in a cycle of horrific nightmares!

[lunar-dancing]

me: are you okay

hikari: not even a little bit

me: are you going to be okay

hikari: would you be okay if satan was messing with you

me: okay point taken

me: are you just going to lay on the bathroom floor with the lights on all night and a towel over the mirror

hikari: yeah

me: brendan, red, and kotone are on their way

hikari: [screaming]

[lunar-dancing]

hikari: I feel... weird.

me: what

hikari: all this time I've been assuming that they were the ones leaving me behind... but that isn't true, is it?

me: is it?

hikari: I'm the one leaving them behind.

me: people drift apart. it happens. you have a life you're pursuing.

hikari: it wasn't supposed to happen to us. I was so mad at Ash for leaving... but I did the same thing to them.

me: it's not the same thing and you know it. also I thought you weren't acknowledging his existence

hikari: shut up. I feel like shit.